How to make up for the lack of paternal love if the girl did not have a dad? If a girl grew up without a father.

Father's love for a child is even more important than mother's. This conclusion was made by psychologists from the University of Connecticut after numerous studies. According to them, the lack of dad's attention inflicts a deeper trauma on children and adolescents than mom's dislike. Scientists believe that the reason for this pattern is higher social status men.

The inattention of parents has a detrimental effect on the personality of the child - psychologists have deduced this axiom for a long time. Parents for the baby are the center of his personal universe, and remain so until about transitional age. At the beginning of life, they provide him with food and the conditions necessary for life, and later open the world to him.

From how well mom and dad take care of their child, how much time they devote to its development, how deep their emotional contact with the baby, a lot depends: the mental well-being of the child, his health, intellectual development and even a future career. But until now it has been assumed that early age much more important than attitude child with mother.

After all, it is she who carries him in the womb for 9 months, and due to this contact, their connection is quite strong already when the child is born. A newborn "gets acquainted" with his father after birth. Researchers from the University of Connecticut (USA) analyzed many works on how a person is affected by a lack of parental attention or complete rejection by parents.

Scientists tried to evaluate these data from the position of whose dislike is more traumatic for the child. Surprisingly, it turned out that the shortage paternal love the child is going through harder than the rejection or indifference of the mother.

In total, the statistics of the study covered family history more than 10 thousand people different origin and ethnicity. Moreover, the inattention of the father was equally badly experienced by both boys and girls.

What is the reason for such attachment to dads? Psychologists cite the higher social status of men as a possible justification. It is the father who is considered the head of the family, his position is more status, prestigious, he has great authority - this is a common feature of many cultures and peoples, they say.

The child sees the importance of the father's personality, and therefore the father's love becomes more desirable as the love of a more powerful and stronger person. This hypothesis, however, requires further verification. For example, it is not clear why the appeal of fatherly love is the same in those cultures where the man is truly the center of the family and society, and in those where the status of a woman is not much lower than that of a man.

Another striking fact came out during the study: the emotional pain that arises from a lack of parental love, the brain reacts in the same way as physical pain. But if it is customary to pay more attention to physical pain in our society, then emotional pain can be suppressed - and as a result persist throughout life.

Previous research shows that there is little to no difference between emotional neglect and physical abuse. Experts found that children who were resolutely ignored in toddlerhood and their peers who were subjected to physical violence on the part of adults, by the age of 4-8 they become equally aggressive and difficult to control. To ignore a child means to inflict moral trauma on him, which does not go away even by the time the child becomes a teenager, psychologists remind.

Ecology of life. Children: This one is about something that often goes unnoticed. deficit parental love- how to evaluate whether it is or not? When a child has few toys, everything is clear. This can be seen, toys can be felt, touched, estimated their cost and quantity. Parental love, like feelings in general, is intangible.

This one is about something that often goes unnoticed. Lack of parental love - how to assess whether it exists or not? When a child has few toys, everything is clear. This can be seen, toys can be felt, touched, estimated their cost and quantity. Parental love, like feelings in general, is intangible, and only manifests itself in the form of some actions, words, taking different forms.

A parent and his support is very important for a child at every age. Lack of completely young age- forms in the child a sense of distrust of the world as a whole. Even a little older, the lack of parental love and support turns into addiction, lack of independence, infantilism.

Even a little older turns into disbelief in one's own strengths and capabilities, guilt for everything and everyone. In junior school age fraught with an inferiority complex and apathy for study and work. IN adolescence the lack of adequate parental love and support creates difficulties with self-determination, self-understanding. In the end, in general, the general isolation of the child, inner loneliness also has its roots in the lack of parental love.

When I talk about lack. I mean precisely the form of parental love. I have no doubt that a parent loves his child. But it is the form in which he expresses this love that may be inappropriate at one stage or another or may not correspond to this or that situation. And then the child does not have the opportunity to receive and “absorb” this love. For example, love in the form of shame for the sake of raising a worthy person or in the form of overprotection in large quantities is very poorly absorbed by children and rather creates a deficit than fills.

In order to fill emotional hunger and “relieve nervousness”, children find some objects (or parents offer them) as “substitutes” for parental love. Computer games, social networks, overeating, smoking, going into fantasies and more. This creates addictive behavior. When instead of a living warm, but inaccessible parent (for some reason), the child chooses an inanimate, but quite accessible object.

From how parents love a child, it is formed own attitude to yourself. A boy or girl learns to treat himself - to love or dislike, to scold himself more often, to feel guilty, to not pay attention to his desires and needs at all, etc.

A child deprived of love, that is, not the one who is being “built” or taken care of, but the one who has generally lost hope for warmth from his parents, learns “reverse dependence”. Those. he is so lonely and hurt that he doesn’t let him near him at all, no matter what to be “abandoned” again. There is a lot of mistrust and apprehension in him, and at the same time an inner desire to be loved, that in adulthood such children may be little picky in relationships.

"Abandoned", not getting love in desired form the child may get angry, protest in a variety of forms (often incomprehensible to the parent), may feel severe, chronic depression, which in some cases lasts for several years.

It is impossible to make up for the lack of love that has already happened. What you did not give once - you will not give now. Of course, you can play situations in your mind and imagine how you would change everything then, or how good it would be ... but, nevertheless, help is possible only from the “present”.

For example, through awareness of the deficit that exists and understanding how you are filling it now (food, alcohol, workaholism, dependent relationship etc.). And what do you have with those points that I spoke about at the very beginning - what do you think about yourself, how do you treat yourself, what do you deprive. What do you not like about it? What can you change, and where is the dead end and you need help.

By the way, about psychological help many books have been written, but none of them can replace adequate therapy in which you will learn to understand yourself and accept yourself, just as none of the toys can replace the mother's or father's presence in a child's life. published

Today, thinking creatures, I want to write about love. Yes, about the very love that rules the world, and thanks to which we all ended up on this planet. There is nothing in the world more important than love, Truth? Then why do we often forget to tell our children how much we love them?

Parental love is one of the most amazing manifestations of our human nature.. Children are a gift from above, because they help us to express all the love that is rich in our heart. However, recently I realized that most people do not know how to express this feeling of love. We cook breakfast for our children, we wash their clothes, we work to the point of exhaustion, everything is for them, right? Isn't that not enough love? The fact is that it may logically seem to you that this is enough: after all, actions more important than words, Yes? However, nothing is more important for a child than feel the love of parents, and not just know that it is somewhere out there. It is very important for a child to hear your words “I love you”, it is important to receive kisses and feel the warmth of hugs.

For a child, the family is his world; your actions(laundry, cooking and making money) - these are numerous and yet incomprehensible movements in this world for him; your manifestations of feelings and emotions(words, intonations and hugs) are those real and significant events that little man able to truly understand.

How do I know all this? My Rita teaches me every day. On last week she was given new toy- a horse. Before that, she already had one horse, but a smaller one. When Rita saw the new toy, she pulled the old horse out of the toy box, brought it to bigger toy and said, "That's her mother." And then she began to imitate how two toys kiss each other and hug. This is how simple it is for children: everyone should have a mother who loves everyone, and who shows her love through emotions, kisses and hugs. If something else was important for the child, then the horse would run to work or start cooking dinner. So no. This is a reality for us adults. For children, everything is much simpler and more sincere.

Unfortunately, adults forget about it. They think it goes without saying that they love their children. And in fact, most of us love our children very much, we are ready to give our lives for them, to do anything, if only they were happy. This is very good. You know this, but have you told your children about it? The truth is that until we become parents, we have no idea how extraordinary and incredible it is. strong love. That is, your children, until they become parents, will also have no idea about this. It is my deep conviction that they need to be told about this. Every day, the more often, the better.

We live in such strange world that many of us can comfortably explain to a child what bad word on the fence and why it cannot be read aloud. Many (though by no means all) can, albeit blushing, do homework with a child, talking about pistils and stamens, given to a child at school as part of early sex education. However, many parents cannot turn their tongues and sincerely and naturally tell their child how much they love him and how happy they are that this child is part of their life.

The older the child becomes, the less often he hears words of love from his parents. At the same time than older child becomes, the more important it is for him to hear these words, and to know that, in spite of everything, in this strange and incomprehensible world there are parents who love you, who believe that you are the ultimate dream and absolute ideal! This is how I feel about my child, and every day I tell her about it, and I want to talk to last days of my life. Whether we are 2 years old, 20 or 50 years old, we all need to know that someone loves us, unlimitedly and without any conditions.

I am convinced that children whose parents sincerely and naturally showed their feelings of love for them and each other grow up to be the most successful, balanced and happy people. Such children are "knee-deep" because loving parents stand behind them. In families in which children are taken care of, but love is not spoken about, they are embarrassed, pinched, and love is “assumed by itself”, children often grow up anxious, insecure and with numerous complexes. This is especially true for girls who are more impressionable and vulnerable, but if they are taught from childhood that they (such as they are) are beautiful, unique and loved, then in the future they will not exhaust themselves with diets, they will not suffer about their far-fetched imperfection and will not enter into a relationship in which they are not respected and not appreciated.

On the walls of Sydney University

The children of my generation were born into families of post-Soviet society, in which, as a rule, love was not particularly shown emotionally. Once upon a time, it was “not supposed” to tell children how much you love them, how beautiful, smart and talented they are. . “What if we jinx it? Will it suddenly light up? What if the daughter or son relaxes and forgets that the world is so cruel? Now I understand how stupid these excuses are, even if inspired by the traditions of the time. How can you even assume that by giving confidence to your child, you will do something bad? How can you think that by depriving a child of love, you are preparing him for the cruel reality of this world? What nonsense: others will tell the child about cruelty, it is up to you to tell him about love!

About 15-20 years ago, of course, I had no idea about this. To be honest, a couple of years ago I did not understand all this. But when I got Rita (the smartest and beautiful child in the world, as you might guess :)), and everyone began to notice how much she looked like me, it dawned on me, as they say. I was also the same pretty child, I just didn’t know about it! Now, looking at my childhood photos, I want to hug myself, a little one, and say that I love her, that is, myself, very, very much. Now I see how pretty, sweet and smart she was, but she was completely unaware of it.

How ridiculous it turns out: we teach our children how to read, write, cross the road on green color, not to take sweets from strangers, but no one explains to us how to love (ourselves and others) and trust (ourselves and those who sincerely love us).

We sometimes look at our adult child and think: “Well, what did she find in this person? Doesn't he respect himself?" Have we taught our child to value himself? Did we forget to instill in her that same love for ourselves? Did we tell her how wonderful and unique she is? And we, parents, showed by our example how to love and respect ourselves and others? Have we done everything so that our child knows that mom and dad love her, no matter what, cherish her and are very proud of her? By the way, about the love of fathers.

From my family album, November 2011

The Importance of Father's Love in a Girl's Life

Have you ever noticed how important a father is in the life of his child? Don't misunderstand me, I'm not advocating at any cost to get a father for a child. I think, on the contrary, that “nothing is better than anything,” that is, it is better without a father than with a bad father.

I'm talking about something else: if there is a father in the family, then the fact how he treats the child, especially the girl, plays the most important role in shaping her personality and destiny. If dads love their daughters infinitely, never criticize them and never allow them to doubt this love, then girls usually grow up happy, balanced and with high self-esteem. If the girl is deprived of the sincere, open and constant love of her father, that is, Great chance that she would give all of herself first young man who will tell her that he loves her. Unfortunately, girls who are not told by their fathers every day that they are princesses are more likely to marry very early. They are also more likely to be left alone with a baby in their arms. This is all because they have lacked fatherly love since childhood, and when someone caresses them and promises to give this same love, they give themselves over to that person. It would be great if every dad understood this. Being the father of a child is not only a great happiness and privilege, but also a great responsibility. Responsibility is not only material, but also spiritual and moral. This is the most important profession in life, it is a pity that her skills are not taught anywhere.

Family of black swans, Centennial Park, Sydney, June 2010

So what should you say to your child?

In fact, you need to tell your child what you feel. There is no point in putting a “Say LOVE to your son” reminder on your fridge and do it automatically every time you make yourself a sandwich. Children feel much thinner than adults, you can't fool them. However, if you look at your child and your soul is bursting with happiness, tell him at this moment how much you love him.

Hugs are also very important. I would say that often hugs are more important for parents than for a child :). For me, there is nothing more beautiful than those moments when my Rita comes up to us before going to bed, hugs and says: “Mom, Dad, how I love you.” We did not specifically teach her this. For a child, this is a natural manifestation of feelings that needs to be encouraged, not suppressed. Why is it so hard for us adults to show what we feel?

What should not be said to a child?

Obviously, such expressions as “I don’t love you anymore” and so on are absolutely unacceptable. Your child needs to know that no matter what they do, you will always love them. You can say that you are sad about your child's act or that you are disappointed, but love should not be brushed aside. Children understand this. When my Rita gets offended with me, she says: “you are not my friend anymore” or “I don’t like you anymore, mom”, but I never heard her say “I don’t love you”, no matter how much she doesn’t like me offended.

I have always wondered how many people find it normal to tell a child something like this: “I raised you, I fed you ...” or “you should be grateful that your parent does not drink and brings money home ...” or “I give you all dedicated his life, and you…” These are not just very cruel phrases, but rather stupid ones. In fact, We have children for ourselves and only for ourselves. Children bring us happiness that no amount of money can buy. As parents, we should be eternally grateful that a child has entrusted his life to us. Whether we justified this trust, it is up to him to judge. This is true parental love, one that requires nothing in return. If you start throwing phrases like the above, then you set the price of your love: I raised you - you must love me; or because of you I didn’t sleep at night - again you must love me. We all know that you can’t attach a price tag to love, and you can’t bargain for it. By saying such nonsense, we show that our love is not unlimited. Do you really want your child to think this way?

There is nothing worse for a child than feeling that he must earn parental love. Everyone needs something permanent and unshakable in life. Family, parents - this is our life support. If you force a child to earn your love, you deprive him of the emotional foundation upon which he must build his life. You are cutting the ground from under his feet. You are depriving him of the miracle of boundless and unconditional love. You deprive yourself of this miracle too.

From the family album, May 2012

“I'm not your friend, but your mother” or “I'm not your friend, but your father” is another common phrase that should never be said to children. It doesn't matter who you want to look like in the eyes of your daughter or son, the main thing is that she or he needs you in this moment. Whether it's a friend, mother, friend or father - but what's the difference! In this world, your child needs you, it is up to him to decide in what capacity.

Why do loving parents often make such mistakes? Often this is because their parents “raised” them this way: they did not love or loved, but were shy or did not want to show their feelings. So it turns out such a vicious cycle and a paradox of generations. We lack parental love, we suffer and blame our parents for all our failures; but at the same time, when we have children, we repeat their mistakes.

The good news is that it's never too late to change things for the better. Learn to open your heart, try to sincerely express your feelings and express them not only with actions, but also with words. If you loving parent, yes tell same this, finally! If it's hard for you, then, as they say here, “fake it until you make it".

It is true that by opening our heart we become vulnerable, but if we do not, then we are not living life at 100%. It doesn't matter if your parents didn't teach you that. A few years ago I watched the last episode of the Oprah Show, during which the wise Ms Winfrey said the following: “Only you are responsible for your life. It doesn't matter what your mom did, it doesn't matter what your dad didn't. You are in charge of your life. You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself and that you bring to others.” Great words! For some of us this simple truth can only be realized by going through a psychotherapist's office. For others, it becomes obvious when they themselves become parents. For third straight Talk with their parents can put everything in place. Do what you have to, thinking creatures, but don't give up on love. Love yourself, love your children, love people and shout about it on every corner :).

“Only you are responsible for your life. It doesn't matter what your mom did, it doesn't matter what your dad didn't. You are in charge of your life. You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself and that you bring to others.” / Photo of a boy against the backdrop of a turbulent sea, Maroubra beach May 2013

Now I leave my computer because I want to hug my child and tell her how much I love her (otherwise I will be an absolute hypocrite preaching something that I myself do not follow, right?). I hope my thoughts have been helpful to you. Whether you agree with me or not, please share. I will listen, as always, with love and without criticism.

Love to you, thinking creatures!!!

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