Why you can’t save a marriage for the sake of children: the main reasons. Broken families - handicapped children? Why You Shouldn't Save Your Marriage for the sake of the kids

Whether to continue living together, trying to keep the family together or getting divorced, is a decision that is sometimes not easy for a man and woman who were together and considered family. Divorce for many may sound like the end of everything that a person has been going for so long - the hope of happiness, love, the desire to be needed, liberation from loneliness. Children play an important role for parents when they are difficult choice. The life of not only the one who decided to leave, but also the rest of the family depends on him.

Sometimes, tormented by a sense of guilt in front of a child, if he has the prospect of growing up in an incomplete family, they decide to maintain relations with each other. So, adults are guided by the desire to save children and mom and dad, while they themselves are preparing for the fact that they will have to endure a lot and sacrifice something - freedom, security, love, themselves and their lives.

What is behind the phrase "keep the family together for the sake of the children"? Are adults really driven by a noble desire to live with unloved person for children to have both parents? How do you feel where there is mom and dad, but between them there is a load of unsolvable problems, constant tension and lack of intimacy? The answers to these and other questions in this article.

Sometimes people, recalling how they were children, say: "My parents never loved each other, but continued to live together." “Mom and dad often cursed, my father didn’t come home to spend the night, he could raise a hand against his mother, but they didn’t even talk about divorce.”

Someone is going through a breakup with a partner on their own, someone is helped by relatives, friends or a specialist, but not all couples who understand that family and love in their life are purely formal in nature still decide to divorce.

What is behind the reluctance to divorce, even when it became impossible to live under the same roof?

• Fear of pain. Divorce from a partner can be a very difficult process for a person. Sometimes it entails apathy, depression, refusal of activity and even unwillingness to live. At this stage, people often turn to a psychologist for help - working with him helps to see real reasons parting, understanding your role, letting go of the past and regaining the desire to live and love.
• Fear of loneliness. This happens when partners were very emotionally attached to each other - they did everything together, almost never parted. The fear of being left alone in this situation seems to be practically unexperienced by a person, so he unconsciously, in order to save himself, is ready for anything to keep his partner.
• material dependency. This happens when one of the partners fully provides for the material side of life and divorce in this case for the other means losing financial support, stability and well-being. The presence of children in such a family further strengthens the bonds of this dependence.
• When a partner acts as a parent for another. Often this happens to women: they take care of their husband and behave towards him like a mother, so he can make connections on the side as much as he likes, but he will not leave the family where he is comfortable, safe, calm and comfortable.
• Low self-esteem. It manifests itself in the thought that if this partner leaves me, no one else will love me. Such a position makes one believe in the belief "even if a poor husband, but his own."

Such beliefs and attitudes lead to the fact that people still keep the family, while they can be guided by the opinion that they are doing this for the sake of the children. How do children feel in a family where the mother and father "for their sake" continue to live together?

Children in a family without love

The noble goals of adults, when they sincerely believe that a child will be healthy and happy just because he lives in a complete family, often lead to sad consequences.

A man and a woman who tolerate each other often swear and their conflicts do not end in reconciliation, but on the contrary, they try to see and talk as little as possible. Children know and feel it. They suffer from tension and coldness in the family no less than adults. Therefore, the child tends to quickly leave parental family where everyone is unhappy.

Parents give their children a bad example of what a family should be. A child will not learn to respect a partner, will not know what intimacy is, how important it is to clarify relations in a conflict, but after that to put up and forgive each other.

The child suffers a lot in a family where there is none, even if the parents are trying with all their might to show that they treat each other well - they try not to conflict, not to “break loose” on each other and do everything for the children. Such relationships are only a semblance of well-being, and the child will feel in it not only unhappy, but also deceived.

Another trap that parents unconsciously build for their children, keeping a family for their sake, is the desire for repayment of debt and gratitude from the younger ones when they grow up. Mother and father sacrifice their personal happiness so that the child lives and is brought up in a complete family. When the child enters adolescence and tries to “separate” from them, they are perplexed and offended: “for the sake of you, I suffered all my life with my father!” or “I didn’t divorce your mother so that you have a complete family, and you ...”. Often, adults get a fairly fair answer: “I didn’t ask you about this.” It is hard and painful for parents to hear this - they understand that the years of torment of life with an unloved person were wasted and the children, it turns out, did not need it. What did the children need?

• The ability of adults to take responsibility for their own lives - then children grow up to be responsible people.
• The sincerity and ability of parents to be real - then children grow up not getting used to wearing "masks" and learn to live their own, not someone else's life.
• Recognition of one's mistakes, the ability to end a life period or a relationship that no longer exists. Then the child also knows how to say "yes, I was wrong, I was wrong."
• An open expression of pain and sadness, requests for help and compassion. When children see this, they learn to hear their feelings and accept the feelings of another person, they can lend a helping hand, support and console.
• Real love, and not an invented family, where there is no opportunity to be yourself, but only the need to comply with the norms of "how everything should be." Then the child, growing up, is looking for a relationship based on sincerity, appreciates trust and knows what he wants from life and a partner.

But paternal love we did not have. After my father and mother divorced, I can count on my fingers our short and cool meetings with him. And the fingers of one hand are enough for me. Even when my mother was on the verge of life and death due to illness, he never came to us.

And I missed his warmth! Mom said that I often climbed into my uncle's arms and just sat ...

And in place of fatherly love, a hole gradually formed in my soul. Not just a hole, but a space vacuum, a cold emptiness that imperceptibly sucked me in and nearly destroyed my family 20 years later. And I did not realize this: I stubbornly thought that everything was fine with us.

Family life of a child of divorce. “I had no idea that after work my husband needed to be fed”

I got married early - at the age of 19. My husband was 26 at that time. Before the wedding, I had strong doubts: my husband was far from my ideal. But I was pregnant and reassured myself with one thought: “We won’t get along - you can always get a divorce ...”

I sincerely believed that at the first difficulties I would simply leave my husband. My dad did just that - and nothing. All relatives on his line are divorced - and nothing. I did not realize that before I got married, I was already going to follow the path of my father.

Photo source: pixabay.com

But contrary to my gloomy predictions, my husband turned out to be a very responsible family man, and we got along well together. Yes, there was a slight discomfort at the very beginning of family life: I had no idea how to iron trousers or a shirt, that after work my husband needed to be fed .... What for other people out complete families was the norm, for me it was something incomprehensible and complicated. But in general, everything was fine with us. And the crises of one and three years passed us safely.

Crisis in the family. “Where is my passport?”

However, the unresolved housing problem, separate hobbies and interests, the presence of dubious friends began to slowly undermine our family foundation. After 5 years of family life, it suddenly seemed to me that I had found the bottom of lies, meanness and hypocrisy with my feet.

One day my husband said:

So, are we filing for divorce tomorrow?

And the first thing I thought of:

Where is my passport?

I was ready to give up right away. Inside myself, I have already put a bold point. I had no idea that the relationship could be saved. I didn't even know you could try to save them! Well, I never had such an example in my life. I took in a completely different family model and guided by it.

The way forward. “I did everything by feel”

My husband saw another way out and showed it to me. We started all over. I tried my best for two reasons: I loved and appreciated my husband and really wanted to finally break this vicious circle divorces that existed in my parental family system on the father's side.

I won't say it was easy. I had nothing to rely on during this period of building relationships - I did everything as if by touch. I clearly remember the feeling of my own inferiority for the family, as if in my soul instead of important family values and models - emptiness.

Photo source: pixabay.com

But thanks to my husband and our joint work I managed to fill that void with my own experience, with their conscious principles, on which my family now stands. And I will pass these values ​​on to my children.

And the little girl who so desperately needs her daddy's love still lives in my soul. But she is already much warmer and calmer. Because every day my strong and caring husband hugs me.

If you are faced with the choice of “leave or stay,” do not rush to leave. Look at the situation again. Do not dwell on your grievances and think about the children. What example are you setting for them, what base are you laying, with what will you send them to adulthood? family life if you get divorced?

No matter how trite it may sound, but try to keep the family for the children. But not a nominal family, where everyone lives their lives under one roof. The family must be real, from the bottom of the heart! Of course, this requires a gigantic work on oneself. But believe me, you will be satisfied with the result! And your children will not even know about the difficulties that they could face if their parents divorced.

Well, if the situation develops in such a way that there is no way to stay together, then, when divorcing a husband-wife, do not divorce your children. It is vital for every child to know that both mom and dad love him. And this fact affects not only childhood, but also the future. adult life. And this is much more difficult...

And yet - is it worth keeping a family for the sake of children?

For the most part, experts do not share the position "for the sake of children" when it comes to the personal life of spouses. Mikhail Labkovsky, a well-known practicing psychologist with 35 years of experience, host of popular television and radio programs, author of many articles and books on the site, gave the following advice:

It is not necessary to save a family for the sake of children. Otherwise, you become a hostage to the children, and you hang on them an additional responsibility that does not concern them. Divorce is traumatic for a child. But it's a common injury. AT modern society more than 50% of children live like this. After all, passing birth canal Also trauma. And somehow people deal with it.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya, a well-known psychologist-educator, author of many books, told The Question about what to look for in a divorce:

There are certain age limits when it is more difficult for a child to survive the separation of parents. First of all, this is a period of children's egocentrism, at about 4-7 years old, when all events seem to be related to the child, so he may feel guilty about your divorce. But, of course, this does not mean that a child at this age cannot survive the divorce of his parents - it means that he just needs to be given special attention. And talk to him that he is not guilty of anything.

A dead marriage should not be preserved at any cost, so as not to injure the child. Often people say that they live together “for the sake of the children”. But more often than not, it's just a scam. Because, on the one hand, this is an excellent reason not to work on relationships and not strive to make marriage better, on the other hand, it is a reason not to set each other free. It is of no use to children to observe such insincere relationships.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya believes that the divorce of parents in any case injures the child. However, by their behavior during the divorce process, parents can either exacerbate the trauma or mitigate the painful consequences.

How to understand how you feel about your partner and where to put a comma in the sentence "leave, you can't stay"?

Mikhail Labkovsky:

Love is either there or it isn't. You either feel anything for the person, or you don't feel anything. If you feel, if there is a need to save a family, not even so much a family as love, then for the sake of this it is worth doing something. And if you no longer feel anything but irritation, then there is no point in staying around.

Lawyer and psychologist Arina Pokrovskaya did not lecture “Divorce: how not to get lost in feelings and build new life suggested the following scheme of work:

1. Try to remember the beginning of your relationship with your spouse. List by points what exactly attracted you to it, why you chose it, why you fell in love with it. It is important to restore in your memory those situations in which these qualities of a partner were especially pronounced.

2. Now think about your spouse. Do you know why he chose you? You may remember how a partner shared with you why you became his wife, what qualities of yours attracted him and pushed him to make you a marriage proposal.

3. Summarize your memories with a couple of sentences. You can say them to yourself or write them down in your smartphone notes. It is important to formulate what exactly brought you together, on what your marriage has been built all this time.

4. Now - the most important point of this test. Try to honestly answer yourself what you feel for your partner right now, whether your love for him is still alive or not. If you listened carefully to yourself and did not find any positive emotions to the address of the spouse, then, it seems, it's time to leave. If, under a bunch of grievances, it’s still warm light feeling, then perhaps your relationship can still be saved.

Consultations and practice in Syktyvkar - psychologist Yasinskaya Nadezhda Yurievna, tel. 79-28-12 or 8-909-124-96-88.

The topic is not new. It has long been said that the preservation of marriage for the sake of children is a utopia. In our social circle, we often come across cases in practice when spouses do not live well with each other, but do not part, convincing themselves that by divorce they injure their children.

Let's look at the situation from the children's point of view. Yes, a full-fledged family is preserved, living conditions, habitual place of residence, studies are also preserved, which, of course, is very important for life. But children grow up in an atmosphere of lies and tension.

Spouses lie to the child that everything is fine between them and these are temporary difficulties. Spouses lie to themselves that the child will grow up, and there we will already live our own lives. In some families, sometimes for years such an atmosphere persists, in best case"peace agreement". Children grow up watching how parents communicate with each other, without love, without warmth, without interest in each other. One way or another, such a picture of relationships is deposited in the conscious and in the unconscious. little man. Of course, the child experiences discomfort and learns to manipulate adults, because in such families there is often a hidden and irreconcilable war between parents, and children are tried to be pulled over to their side, they are used as intermediaries in negotiations or compromises.

As children grow up, they are more likely to reproduce similar relationships in their families. And these children also have a sense of guilt for the sacrifice that their parents made for them. It can be hidden very deeply, and they themselves do not recognize it, but they build their relationships with others through the prism of this guilt. It happens that parents loudly accuse the child of their Misfortune, they say, “I suffered for you.”

The question of whether to keep a marriage for the sake of a child is acute in modern society, where, on the one hand, there are no barriers to divorce, and on the other hand, there is a popular belief that children from incomplete families grow up inferior.

If you ask yourself what is best for a child, to grow up in full happy family or brought up by only one of the parents, the answer to it will be obvious. But if the family serious problems? This question is much more complicated than it seems.

Incomplete families- handicapped children?

There is a fairly widespread opinion in society that handicapped children grow up in single-parent families, especially for boys who are raised by their mothers. However Scientific research show that this is a delusion: the composition of the family affects the development of the child, but both there and there they grow up psychologically healthy children. Much more destructive influence has an unfavorable psychological climate.

Why do parents keep the marriage?

The second reason why parents keep the marriage “for the sake of the child” is a hidden unwillingness to destroy it. For some reason, they strive to maintain a relationship, but do not talk about it openly. And then the child becomes an excuse for their marriage. This situation turns out to be very traumatic for the latter, since he, trying to keep the family on an unconscious level, takes responsibility for her well-being. The child unconsciously understands that if he does not exist, for example, he grows up, the family will fall apart. Or if he stops being problematic, dad will realize that now he can leave the family. He tries to keep parental relationship. Often such children grow up dependent, sickly people, people suffering from various addictions. Because it is this behavior that allows them to keep their parents together. In addition, marital problems in such relationships are also not solved.

To get out of this situation, it is important for parents to recognize why they are actually keeping the marriage. Maybe they are afraid of life after divorce? Or do they love each other, but do not know how to resolve conflicts? When they admit this to themselves and to each other, between them there may be constructive dialogue and the child will feel better as the parents take responsibility for their relationship.

How does the child feel?

Divorce of parents in any case is a trauma for the child. AT different ages children react differently to this. The younger ones often take the blame, teenagers experience it as a betrayal, as an increase in the feeling of loneliness, which is very characteristic of them. And sometimes as an investment. However, life in difficult conditions, in constant conflict - an even greater trauma, since the child receives it constantly, it is difficult for him to recover from it.

There is a myth that it is possible to hide from a child what is really happening in the family - mutual hatred, resentment, betrayal. This is an illusion, children always feel very clearly emotional atmosphere families. Of course, a 3-year-old child will not understand treason as treason, but he will experience the fear of loss, a sense of danger and the intrusion of a stranger into the family. And teenagers usually know a lot more than their parents realize.

What to do?

The younger the children, the more they strive to keep complete family, because even at the biological level, their survival depends on adults, not to mention psychological. Therefore, it is important for them that parents remain parents, even during a divorce. It is important to explain to the child what is happening, but not to shift marital feelings onto him.

If parents decide to stay together, it is important for them to admit that they are doing this for themselves, their relationships, ideas about the world (including that it will be better for the child), position in society. This will save the child from the burden of responsibility for their decision.

In addition, it is important to remember that you, as a parent, teach your child behavior patterns without words. How to live in marriage? How to decide family conflicts? Can you sincerely express your feelings or not? And everything you do in your marital relations, the child diligently studies. As you think about the future of your marriage, ask yourself what you teach it by making this or that decision.

Olga Novozhilova, psychologist