Lost desire: symptoms, physical or psychological causes, treatment, advice and recommendations from specialists. The main reasons why women do not want to have sex

The quality of sexual relations between a man and a woman largely determines the psychological climate and harmony in relationships in general. It has been proven that frequent misunderstandings and disagreements can be the result of a lack of sex, which women often refuse. In fact, the reluctance to have sexual intercourse among the fairer sex can be not just a whim, but the impact of certain reasons.

To find a solution to the problem of a woman's lack of sexual desire, you need to find exactly the reasons that led to this, and then eradicate them. Such issues are usually dealt with by narrow specialists, such as gynecologists, sex therapists, and even psychotherapists. In addition, there are a number of drugs and non-traditional methods that increase female libido and sexual activity.

What influences women's desire?

According to the latest statistics, approximately 40% of women around the world experience disorders in the functioning of the reproductive system. And most often this is manifested by a complete rejection of intimacy with a man and even aversion to sexual intercourse. The reasons for this may be:

1. Hormonal imbalance The sex hormone testosterone is responsible for the level of libido in both sexes. In women, it decreases in the period after childbirth, and in men gradually after 30 years.
2. Age changes- more often we are talking about the period before menopause or directly during it. In addition, this can be caused by the extinction of the ovaries, respectively, a decrease in the level of estrogen. Such changes lead to a decrease in the amount of lubrication, against which the sexual intercourse may not be so pleasant and even cause discomfort.
3. Gynecological problems and other diseases- Other diseases can also lower the level of libido, for example, diabetes mellitus, cardiovascular pathologies, diseases of the pelvic organs, inflammation and infections of the genitourinary system, etc.
4. vaginismus- a disease that is accompanied by strong contractions of the vagina, causing pain during intercourse. Such a rare and complex disease is caused by violence, psychological disorders, etc.
5. Psychological factors of influence- we are talking about chronic fatigue, frequent stress and conflicts, an unfavorable climate in relationships with a man, lack of sleep and banal grievances. Sometimes the reason for the lack of desire to have sex in a woman may be the fear of pregnancy.

For reference! If a girl has no desire to have sex periodically or once, most likely, such problems are resolved on their own without the intervention of a specialist.

And only after identifying the reasons for the lack of libido and sexual desire in a woman, a specialist can choose the right methods of treatment and restoration of sexual functions. You can find out how to restore a woman's libido.

Letting go of the problem and not visiting a specialist is the biggest mistake of many women with low libido, as an irregular sex life leads to other problems in the body.

What to do if the wife does not want sex?

Depending on the identified prerequisites, due to which a woman has no desire to have sex with her husband, the specialist selects the right course of therapy. Competent therapy can be as follows:

• Lack of desire in women on the background of low testosterone is accompanied by hormone therapy what the gynecologist prescribes. In this case, it is important to comply with the dosage and treatment regimen, since the irrational use of hormones is fraught with side effects.
• Psychological problems are eliminated by psychotherapy courses in the office of an experienced specialist, homeopathic remedies and antidepressants. According to leading psychotherapists, maximum benefit can only be achieved through complex drug therapy and psychotherapy sessions.
• Help sexopathologist. In addition to psychotherapy and drugs to restore the emotional background, a sex therapist can help a couple. This is appropriate in case of disharmony in relationships. You can increase libido with the help of certain games, lubricants and exciting lubricants, etc.
• Aphrodisiacs. For the level of libido, certain foods that are aphrodisiacs can be helpers. In addition to food, certain aromas are considered aphrodisiacs, as well as special preparations, for example, Spanish Fly or Silver Fox.
• Physical exercises. Such exercises help to increase the sensitivity of the genitals, the most effective are Kegel exercises.

Sometimes it is possible to restore libido only with an integrated approach, putting into practice all of the above methods of treatment.

If a woman lost desire after childbirth

After childbirth, a woman's body recovers for a long time, from several months to six months. A lot also depends on a man, you need to understand that a wife’s partial or complete lack of desire should not be a reason for pressure and quarrels. You can solve the problem in the following way:

• Normalize sleep, which contributes to the rapid recovery of the woman's body.
• Do not critically evaluate your body for the current period in life, since after childbirth many women become complex, lowering their libido even more.
• Distribute responsibilities in order to prevent chronic fatigue and problems with sexual functions against this background.
• Do not push the man away, as quarrels and disharmony only aggravate the situation.
• Eat well, because due to the lack of vitamins and other substances, the body is depleted, the level of hormones decreases, and metabolic processes are disrupted.

In addition, you can help increase libido with the help of certain drugs - Angelica forte with a 100% natural herbal composition, with a vitamin composition, a stimulant of sexual functions, etc. Before taking such drugs, it is important to study the instructions in detail, contraindications and side effects, and also consult with a medical specialist.

The content of the article:

The desire for sex is an aspiration that should be present not only at a young age. Mature and accomplished couples also need to be interested in this issue so that the relationship between lovers is harmonious. How to return sexual desire if it suddenly disappeared? The situation should be dealt with, since the condition is not a natural process even at the age of 40-50 years.

Reasons for the disappearance of interest in the opposite sex

In fact, there are quite a few reasons why there has been a break in the intimate life of a couple. However, when sexual desire is gone, do not give up and give up. The main thing is to find the cause and get rid of it in order to restore harmony.

Experts identify the following problems-provocateurs:

• Stressful situation. In very rare cases, when a serious problem has arisen, a person will want to indulge in carnal pleasures. His psyche begins an active struggle to maintain peace of mind after suffering a blow from fate. Stress is a serious life test, after which sexual desire can come to naught. At the same time, the injured party remains devoted to the soul of his partner, but temporarily does not want to enter into intimacy with him.
• . Chronic alcoholics and drug addicts rarely enter into full-fledged sexual relations, because the dope taken makes them indifferent to sexual life. There is also an erroneous opinion that consumed one hundred grams of strong drink will add fantastic moments and sharpness of desire to intimacy. Alcohol will initially dull the attraction, and then completely destroy it.
• Insufficient sleep. If a person devotes little time to rest, then this is an alarming bell for his libido. A partner who is tired of lack of sleep will only dream of an alliance with a pillow, and not of a passionate night. With any offer to enter into intimacy, he will begin to get annoyed and vent his discontent on the other half.
• Children. The child tends to be capricious, get sick and demand increased attention from adults. In addition, not every family can afford to have a bedroom separate from the offspring. All this interferes with a full-fledged sexual life, which ultimately leads to the discord of the couple in the intimate sphere.
• Medications. Everyone tolerates medication in their own way, which sometimes threatens to reduce sexual desire even for a desired and beloved partner. Few people are aware of the fact that libido can be seriously affected by the use of antidepressants, antiallergic drugs, and blood pressure medications. Even birth control pills can cause reluctance to have sex with your chosen one.
• Deterioration of the partner's appearance. Some people, after entering into a full-fledged relationship, stop taking care of themselves, considering this an optional factor. However, at one time, it was the appearance that was attractive to a partner that played an important role in creating a couple. A slovenly husband or a slovenly wife can, by their very appearance, discourage them from having intimate relations with them. Often problems arise in the family where the wife is a housewife. After all, it is much easier and more convenient to walk in a washed-out dressing gown with a ponytail on your head, an unwashed head. Ordinary household duties in the form of cleaning, cooking and caring for family members simply do not leave time and desire to take care of appearance. However, men love not only warm borscht and cleanliness. They still love with their eyes, so they cannot do without a “beautiful picture”.
• Health problems. A prolonged illness can seriously affect a person's sexual desire. In addition, there is such a thing as erectile dysfunction, which is very disturbing for some men. Anxiety with the voiced factor is capable of making a passive sexual partner for his chosen one from a previously healthy representative of the stronger sex. The prostate also plays a significant role in sexual problems. If she is inflamed, there is no need to wait for rough sex. Vaginismus in a woman also has an extremely negative effect on her sexual desire, which can be the end of an established relationship.
• Failure in the hormonal system. An imbalance of this kind is a serious test for any person. The endocrine system is responsible for the sexual desire of people, so problems with it are fraught with serious problems in the intimate sphere.
• Menopause. During this period, there is a decline in physical activity in a woman, which leads to more and more frequent refusals of a partner in intimacy. According to numerous surveys, we can conclude that about 50% of women in adulthood complain of a decrease in sexual desire during and after menopause.
• Depression. In such a state, one does not want not only intimacy, but everything else. A person in a depressed state enters a persistent state of indifference to things that were once pleasant for him. The partner of the depressed subject begins to acutely feel the change in the quality of sexual life in the couple and also withdraws into himself.
• relationship problems. Constant quarrels, excessive jealousy and distrust between lovers become a direct threat to the relationship between a man and a woman. The caustic word of the chosen one can sometimes completely kill the desire to have sexual contact with him. If at the same time physical violence is used, then the attraction to a partner disappears without a trace, if we are not talking about the union of a masochist with a sadist.
• Fear of unwanted pregnancy. Not all contraceptives provide a 100% guarantee of protected intercourse. In some cases, they can fail, which in the future causes a reluctance to go through the tragic events in the form of an abortion again.
• Religious beliefs. For persistent sexual desire for a partner, not only physiological factors are extremely important, but the emotional state of a man or woman. Puritanism according to any spiritual ideology can destroy even the strongest couple. In some cases, fanatics begin to think that sexual relations are a big sin, which will definitely lead to zero sex drive.
• Low self-esteem. Very often, with the problem of how to return sexual desire, people do not understand the main cause of the imbalance in their intimate life. However, in most cases, it is the voiced factor that is at the root of the decrease in libido. If at the same time in the past there was a fiasco situation with a partner, then low self-esteem can trigger the mechanism for the disappearance of interest in sex.
• The unwillingness of one of the partners to realize the fantasies of the other. Not everyone likes a single missionary position and sex in the dark. Sometimes you want variety, something new and fresh. But the partner turns out to be unprepared for bold decisions, which causes a decline in desire and even sometimes thoughts about looking for a more liberated person on the side.

The listed problems in many cases are not an unconditionally unresolved issue. All of them can be subject to adjustment by a specialist to restore harmony in the intimate sphere. And sometimes it’s enough just to overcome your fear and talk frankly with a partner in order to unlock each other’s potential and realize desires.

Ways to return the disappeared sexual desire

In resolving this issue, one should remember the need in the life of every person to have a full sexual life. This is not a whim of dissolute people, but an elementary physiological need of each subject.

Methods of struggle for the return of sexual desire to women

The fair sex quite often suffer from the voiced problem. Sexologists and gynecologists often face the question of why a woman's sexual desire has disappeared. In this case, they recommend that their patients take the following actions:

1. Awakening Sensuality. Ladies' receptors are usually very sensitive to all external stimuli. Therefore, you need to surround yourself with as many pleasant and beautiful things as possible. Perfume with a delicate aroma and relaxing soul music can increase libido for many women. This type of scent and sound therapy will help the shackled person to relax and get as much enjoyment out of intimacy as possible.
2. Work on your body. For each coquette, the factor of how she looks in the eyes of her chosen one is very important. Smart women, having carefully studied all the charms and flaws of the figure, must learn to present their beloved exclusively with their strengths. After all, very often it is in the notoriety from defects in appearance that the fair sex loses interest in sex.
3. . In most cases, the coldness of a woman is the result of the inept treatment of her by a man. Foreplay is very important for any lady, so this phase of sexual intercourse must be extended. The chosen one needs to be told about his desires in the most correct form, so as not to hurt his pride and not lead him into a state of righteous anger.
4. Use of lubricants. Some physiological problems prevent a woman from fully enjoying intimacy with her loved one. To address this issue, manufacturers of delicate goods have developed a whole series of intimate lubricants for painless contact with a partner. Unpleasant sensations during sexual intercourse will disappear - fears from its implementation will disappear.
5. Strong physical exercise. The laziness of the body often entails the problem that the desire for sex has disappeared. An active lifestyle without a fanatical bringing the body to exhaustion will bring a lot of benefits to a woman who has lost interest in intimate relationships. It is useful to visit the pool, take a walk before going to bed for at least half an hour, or take a short run around the immediate surroundings.
6. hormone therapy. If the desire in relation to your chosen one has disappeared for this reason, then you can’t do without the help of doctors. Self-medication in this case is by no means impossible, because a failure in the body of this kind can have a rather serious reason.
7. Eating aphrodisiac foods. Fatty and heavy for digestion meals have never contributed to an active intimate life. In this case, it is better to include seafood, spices, chocolate, eggs, fruits and liver in your diet.
8. The use of medicinal herbs. If there are no contraindications to the use of these drugs in the form of an allergic reaction, it is worth trying this method. Aloe, ginseng, wild yam and damiana can be used both as spices and as medicinal infusions.
9. Organization of intimate evenings. Nothing kills sexual desire like routine in a relationship. Over time, passion fades, but a wise woman is able to periodically maintain it. Erotic lingerie, candlelight dinner can arouse desire not only in a man, but also in his chosen one.

Important! In some cases, the loss of sensuality and interest in sex is temporary. Sexologists are advised to seek help from them in order to give competent recommendations for each individual fact.

Ways to return sexual desire to men

In the case of representatives of the strong half of humanity, this phenomenon is much less common than among women. The reason usually lies in the psychological aspect, because physiology plays a secondary role here.

If sexual desire in men has disappeared, then experts recommend taking the following measures to eliminate the problem:

• A heart-to-heart conversation with a partner. In some situations, the fault in what happened lies precisely in it. Refusing sex with a constant reference to a headache will alienate any man from himself. It is necessary in a calm atmosphere and without accusations to talk with the chosen one, finding out the reasons for her alienation in the physical plane.
• Work on interpersonal relationships. For some reason, representatives of the stronger sex think that their main task is to be a breadwinner in the house. Of course, there is a lion's share of truth in this widespread opinion. However, the loss of sexual interest in a partner can occur when intimate life has become a bargaining chip in a couple. Such things cannot be manipulated by setting mutual ultimatums and expressing claims to each other. Any relationship requires daily work on them, after which there are practically no problems in sex.
• Rethinking Priorities. When asked why a man’s desire for sex has disappeared, changes in relationships in a couple should be analyzed. The problem may lie in the fact that the husband began to consider his once intimately attractive wife only as a good housewife and mother. Having then projected her image onto his parent, he completely loses his libido as a result. In this case, you can not do without the help of a good psychotherapist who will help you sort out the problem.
• . Sexopathologists say that the best remedy for the same erectile dysfunction is this method. If a man gets used to do without intimate contact with a partner, then his sexual function fades because of its uselessness.
• medical examination. When a representative of the stronger sex has a suspicion that his problems are in violations of the functioning of the reproductive system, then you need to see a doctor. There is no need to be ashamed of this, because a man's personal life is at stake.
• Relaxation. A change of scenery, normal sleep and calmness are precisely the factors that help the couple return harmony to family life. Life eats up not only relationships, but also passion. The way out can be a trip for at least a week to another city or country.
• Sincere confession about your hobbies and desires. Not only a woman needs to tell a man how to caress her correctly. Sometimes a man needs something more than ordinary body movements. It can be films, toys "for adults". It is worth telling your partner honestly about your desires and offering to try to realize them. Perhaps she will also like it, and the misunderstanding will disappear. Yes, and with a familiar, proven person, it is easier to realize your intimate fantasies, and not look for a liberated person on the side.

How to return sexual desire - look at the video:

Some people wonder what to do if the desire for sex is gone. First of all, you should learn for yourself that if this suits both in a pair, then experts do not consider this a problem. However, this is extremely rare, which ultimately leads to a break in relations. In addition, you should not voluntarily deprive yourself of the joy of intimate communication with a partner, if this issue can really be resolved.

The man’s libido has disappeared - the situation, frankly, is not pleasant, and is capable of “knocking out of the saddle” anyone. However, in this situation, there should not be a feeling of despair, but a desire to immediately begin treatment, since the problem can be corrected. Complexity, unwillingness to “clean dirty linen in public”, fear of condemnation - all this will only aggravate the situation and significantly reduce the quality of life.

What affects a man's libido?

In this list, age is given the very last place, and all because low libido in men of 40-50 years of age usually becomes the result of all the same chronic diseases and bad habits. Often people of a fairly advanced age are sexually attracted to women, moreover, they embody their intimate desires into reality, and acquire heirs without the help of sex therapists and andrologists. It is only necessary to recognize the signs of a decrease in libido in time and take action.

Lack of sex drive is hard to miss, although symptoms can vary slightly. The following degrees are conditionally distinguished:

• decreased desire to have sex;
• partial (periodic) loss of attraction to women;
• complete indifference (and even disgust) to sex as a concept, action and phenomenon.

Causes of Decreasing Sexual Desire

Often the cause of a decrease in libido is hidden in a hormonal imbalance, in which case its signs will be appropriate, namely:

• the voice changes, it becomes unusually high;
• hair begins to grow poorly on the face, in the groin and in the armpits;
• there is a deposition of fat according to the female type;
• all other signs of testosterone deficiency.

Psychological problems can also lead to a decrease in libido, caused, for example, by such factors:

• experienced fiasco of a sexual nature;
• psychotrauma associated with the intimate side of life;
• inability to satisfy a sexual partner;
• conflicts associated with non-traditional orientations.

How to increase male libido?

A man will have to reconsider his lifestyle and food habits, try non-traditional and familiar methods, and possibly change his sexual partner.

Experts insist that the patient increase the duration of a good night's sleep to 8 hours every day, start exercising, give up his bad habits and begin to be in the fresh air more often.

In terms of nutrition, you need to lean on foods rich in vitamins belonging to the group A, E, C and D. It should consist of:

• seafood and lean meats;
• milk and honey;
• legumes and cereals;
• by-products, vegetables and fruits.

The lack of libido in men also suggests drug treatment, mainly consisting in an artificial increase in the hormone testosterone. The main emphasis is on eliminating the cause that led to a decrease in its production, which usually consists in dysfunction of the endocrine system.

The female libido is a domino maze where each part influences the whole. Sexual desire can decrease not only due to stress, difficulties with a partner, or illness. There are other reasons that are completely natural for every woman. Here are a few factors that affect your libido and tips on how to deal with them.

1. Pregnancy

During pregnancy, a woman's libido is affected by several factors. Sometimes these are misconceptions that sex can harm the baby. In fact, if there are no contraindications, sex is safe throughout pregnancy. We have already told, during this period.

Another erroneous stereotype is that all pregnant women have increased sexual desire. As women's health expert Sherry Ross points out:

Women are often not interested in sex and prefer to be held, hugged and kissed during pregnancy.

Weight gain, hormone surges prevent women from feeling confident and relaxed. Each trimester brings a whole new set of circumstances that affect intimate life. Not wanting to have sex during pregnancy is normal, the main thing is to maintain intimacy and trust with your partner.

2. Postpartum

The postpartum period begins from the moment the child is born and until the body is fully restored. These are not the five days that a woman spends in the hospital, but much more - everyone has different ways, depending on the characteristics of the body.

No need to reproach yourself for the fact that the first weeks after the birth of a child you do not feel sexual desire. Your vagina needs time to heal, you need rest, and you and your partner need to get used to your new parenthood.

In addition, "postpartum menopause" can be stimulated by breastfeeding. Lactation also affects libido.

3. Pain during sex

Painful sensations during sex can occur for various reasons - dryness, infections, the size of the partner's penis, an allergy to latex, an unsuccessful sexual position. Anxiety and depression are also bad for your well-being during sexual intercourse.

If you regularly feel pain during sex, you should definitely tell your partner about it and talk with your doctor to rule out illness.

4. Premenopause

Premenopause is a gradual decline in ovarian function. It occurs on average after 45 years, in women who smoke, such changes can begin a couple of years earlier.

The first sign of premenopause is menstrual irregularity. Most often, the discharge becomes less abundant and irregular, although, on the contrary, it can become stronger and appear more often.

The transition to menopause is accompanied by sweating, insomnia, emotional swings - all this does not contribute to sexual activity. In addition, the body slows down the production of estrogen and testosterone.

According to Sherry Ross, more than 60% of women experience a decrease in libido during this period, and more than 30% stop having sex altogether.

5. Menopause

During menopause, a woman's vagina changes. The loss of estrogen can cause the vulva to atrophy and make sex impossible.

The expert advises the use of hormone therapy during menopause. Supplemental estrogen and other drugs will help the body cope with physiological changes and improve the woman's emotional state.

What to do

As you can see, most of these reasons are quite natural and will happen to each of us. You can prepare for them psychologically and reduce the influence of physiology on your libido.

According to an expert, 40% of women don't share their lack of desire problems with their doctor or partner. They endure difficulties alone, which can only aggravate the situation.

Ross' top tip for any change in sexual desire is to communicate with your partner.

Talking about sensitive sexual matters can be difficult, but it can interfere with normal intimacy if you don't, the expert emphasizes. The more information your partner has about why your libido is low, the easier it will be for them to support and help them find treatment options that lead to a healthy sex life.

The healthiest and most natural way to stimulate a woman's sex drive is to develop a close emotional and physical connection with a partner. A good understanding with your man is the best foreplay.

B Have you ever had problems with sexual desire and how did you deal with them?

Sexologists and psychotherapists are increasingly hearing from men complaints about the lack of desire. “Among them, there are many very young people who are under thirty,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova. “They don’t have physiological problems, but they also don’t have arousal: they don’t care about a specific or any partner at all.” Where does this decline in interest in sex come from, where do men come from who do not want sex?

Suppressed desire

“Feeling attracted to a woman, I foresee trouble in advance,” admits 43-year-old Mikhail. “My biggest fear is losing control of myself. This has happened before, and every time I made mistakes that cost me too much. The desire to avoid undesirable consequences, such as dependence on a partner, loss of independence, the risk of being a victim of emotional blackmail ("there will be no sex until I receive a gift") - all this can force one to refuse intimate relationships. This does not mean that a man has no sexual desire.

“It disappears only under the influence of serious hormonal disorders,” emphasizes sexologist Yuri Prokopenko. “However, attraction can be suppressed.” Unlike animals, humans are able to control their instincts. Thus, we can choose to give up the pleasures of the flesh in the name of an idea.

“Those who were brought up in the spirit of rigid morality may perceive sexuality as something threatening, “wrong,” adds sexologist Irina Panyukova. “And then such a person will evaluate complete or partial abstinence as “good” behavior.”

Fear of failure

Gone are the days when only male pleasure mattered in sex. Today, a man knows that his duty is to take care of a woman. Who sometimes believe that, along with the right to pleasure, they have received the right to criticism, sometimes quite bilious. Such remarks can be deadly to male desire. “Sexual criticism is imprinted in the memory of a man indelibly, he will remember it all his life,” says sexologist Irina Panyukova.

Sometimes behind the loss of desire lies the fear of not pleasing your partner.

“Sometimes I hear women complain: “he didn’t give me an orgasm,” says Yuri Prokopenko, as if his partner hides him and does not share. But it is important to correctly understand the equality of the sexes: it is impossible to lay all the responsibility for pleasure in a couple on only one of the partners. Each should learn to take care of himself, organizing and guiding the other if necessary.”

Dictate of women's values

Hidden social pressures are also to blame for the decline in male desire, says psychoanalyst Helen Vecchiali.

“Society exalts femininity and “feminine” virtues: gentleness, consensus, the desire to discuss everything ... - she says. “Men are required to develop these qualities in themselves - as if everything is “right” in women, and everything is wrong in men!” Is it easy to remain a man when what constitutes masculinity is seen as rough, aggressive, cruel? How to express desire in words that are alien to the speaker? And after all, women do not benefit from such a devaluation of male values.

“They need to admire a man in order to love him,” continues the psychoanalyst. - And they need to be desired. It turns out that women lose on both sides: they live with men who are no longer admired and who no longer desire them.

Observer error

Sometimes the conclusion that the desire is gone is made by one or both of the partners, not on the basis of facts, but on the basis of assumptions about how "it should be." “Over the course of the year, my friend and I met once a week, and I heard only the most flattering compliments from her,” Pavel, 34, shares his story. - However, as soon as we started living together, I felt her growing discontent and could not understand the reasons until she frankly asked why we had so little sex. But it was no less than before! It turned out that she expected that when living together, every night would be as passionate as during the brief meetings. Unwittingly, I disappointed her and felt terrible.”

The phrase “men only want one thing” is repeated so often that many take it for granted.

The notion that a man wants sex all the time and is ready for it whenever, as much as he wants, and with anyone, turns out to be either a myth or a delusion based on the fact that the particular is taken as a general rule. By nature, men have a different need for sex, - continues Yuri Prokopenko. - During the period of falling in love, it increases, but then returns to the usual level. And attempts to artificially increase sexual activity are fraught with health problems, such as heart problems. It is also important to remember that sexual desire decreases with age, and not to demand from yourself or your partner the previous “records”.

"I'm afraid to change him"

Svetlana, 36 years old, married 10 years, three children:

“When I met my future husband, I quickly realized that he was not very interested in sex, but since I myself then got out of relationships in which men only needed sex, I liked it. We had three children in four years, and I was satisfied with the rhythm of our intimate life. Now my youngest daughter is four years old, and I would like my sex life to be richer. We never talked about it, and recently I suggested that my husband should consult a sexologist. To my surprise, he agreed. But since then the problem has only gotten worse: I think he felt that I was expecting something special from him, and now he has problems with erection. It begins to seem to me that he does not want me, because he considers me fat, ugly, and as a result, I myself feel like that! At the same time, he is a nice person, we have everything to be happy. I don’t want to leave him, I’m just afraid that in the end I can cheat on him ... "

Is pornography to blame?

Expert opinions differ on how the availability of porn and erotic products affects male desire. Psychoanalyst Jacques Aren believes that “there is a certain satiety of sexuality that fills everything around. But desire is always fed by a lack of what we desire. At the same time, he emphasizes that for the younger generation, the lack of desire does not mean the absence of sexual relations: these relations simply exclude the emotional component, become “technical”.

And Yuri Prokopenko believes that pornography does not reduce desire: "Sexual desire is comparable to hunger: it cannot be quenched by watching others eat." However, in his opinion, the habit of pornography can affect the degree of satisfaction: “Video lovers may lack visual stimulation, because during real sexual intercourse we do not so much look as we feel, feel, act.” You can make up for this lack with the help of mirrors, and some couples use video equipment to watch themselves from the side, feeling like a creative team of their own erotic film.

Check hormones

In case of loss of desire, men over 50 should consult with doctors, andrologist Ronald Virag advises. Attraction is related to testosterone levels. Its content in the blood is from 3 to 12 nanograms per milliliter. If it falls below this level, there is a marked decrease in desire. Other biological parameters also play a role, in particular the hormones of the pituitary and hypothalamus, as well as neurotransmitters (dopamines, endorphins, oxytocin). In addition, some medications suppress testosterone production. In such cases, hormones may be prescribed.

Yuri Prokopenko clarifies: “And yet, in order for the decrease in desire to be caused precisely by hormonal reasons, these reasons must be very serious (for example, castration (including alcohol). If during puberty the level of male hormones was normal, then their natural fluctuations in the future practically do not affect libido. The reasons for the decrease in desire are primarily psychological.

The economic crisis as a sexual stimulus

Financial hardship increases men's desire to have sex, social psychologist Omri Gillat found. True, we are talking about "short-term strategies": this means that in the face of any threat, they involuntarily seek to find as many partners as possible in a short time. "Under survival conditions, men tend to seek sex outside of monogamous relationships in order to spread their genes more widely," the study says. - When the environment is favorable and there is enough food, they are more likely to take care of the children they already have and stay with their partner or seek a long-term relationship. But if the danger reappears and the chances of survival decrease, there is a shortage of food or there are more enemies - men will prefer short-term strategies to increase reproduction.

Overload pressure

“When a man turns to me about a lack of desire, it often turns out that he has difficulties ... at work,” notes Inna Shifanova. “Losing confidence in professional competence, he begins to doubt his other abilities.” Sexual desire is just one facet of our libido and desire in general. His absence can be inscribed in the context of depression: a man no longer wants to have sex, but he no longer wants anything else.

Jacques Aren describes the “old tired man syndrome”: “He has a lot of work, children that tire him, problems associated with the “wear and tear” of married life, he is afraid of aging and a decline in vitality, and it is not so easy to give him new strength. to your desire." Refuse criticism, support - that's what a woman can do for him. However, discussing the partner's difficulties should be done with caution, protecting his self-esteem and remembering that “talking on problematic topics can cause concern and anxiety. These feelings lead away from bodily desires,” emphasizes Irina Panyukova. So do not start such a conversation before physical intimacy.

Step towards each other?

How to reconcile female and male desires? “Moving,” replies Helen Vecchiali, “accepting the fact that things have changed. We live in a period of changing roles, and it is too late to regret the patriarchal times. It's time for women to stop demanding everything from men at the same time. And it will be useful for men to mobilize: women have changed, and today they know what they want. In this sense, men should take an example from them and assert their own desire.