Domestic violence: how to avoid and protect yourself. Domestic violence against women as a social problem

In general, the word “violence” usually refers to physical acts. However, there is also such a type of impact on a person as psychological violence, which carries with it more serious consequences than the most severe beatings. Your opponent suppresses you psychologically, literally preventing you from living in peace. The Criminal Code's article on incitement to suicide also states that one of the reasons may be psychological violence. How not to bring yourself to this point depressive state and be able to stand up for yourself?

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Domestic violence statistics

Domestic violence can happen to anyone—any race, any religion, any income level, any education level.

Statistically, over 80% of domestic abusers are men, and abuse only occurs in intimate, codependent, long-term relationships.

In Russia, according to data at the beginning of 2013, up to 40% of crimes are committed in families, about 12,000 people die as a result domestic violence in year. More than 20,000 children are victims of abuse by their parents every year. About 2,000 children and adolescents, fleeing domestic violence, commit suicide, and about 10,000 run away from home.

More than 90% of domestic violence cases do not go to court.

Do not add to these statistics!

Psychological violence has only three causes:

1. Violence as a way to assert oneself

If a family has one or more members who feel the urge to assert themselves at the expense of other family members.

By using violence against others, such a person asserts his status as the “main”, the one whom “everyone is afraid of” in the family.

This also includes all cases of aggressive violence associated with mental disorders a family member, for example, has psychopathy, sadism, sociopathy.

2. Violence as a response to self-violence

A completely natural reaction of any family member to violence against oneself, which will inevitably arise, except in cases where the victim of violence understands that violence (“punishment”) was applied to him fairly and for the benefit of him and the family. For example, a child understands that “dad punished him for the deed” or the husband understands that his wife caused a scandal “because he himself is to blame” (although the latter may well be the reason “he is to blame” is too convenient to justify various “punishments”) .

3. Violence for the sake of order in the family

The most common and most difficult reason: domestic violence, as a way to maintain order in the family. Here, violence or the threat of its use is used, consciously or unconsciously, to “restrain” and “bring to sense” both an individual family member and the entire family.

Who is the “commander-in-chief” of the family, where does aggression and, in fact, violence come from? They could be anyone: from a husband to a grown-up child. But the basis for this is the deep conviction that it is his norms and family rules that are correct, and that they must literally be imposed by force so that the family can feel good. And it is clear that every person can profess and adhere to his own ideas about the family and the order that should reign in it. But in normal family, in a family where there is no violence, there should be a single or similar in basic points idea of ​​​​the order of family life.

How to recognize psychological violence?

As a rule, psychological pressure can be recognized at the stage of control over you - your relative literally controls every step and thoughts. He imposes his opinions, values ​​and interests, prohibits communication with those who, in his opinion, are objectionable, or severely limits the time for communication.

At the same time, in public, your tyrant will pretend to be a victim. As soon as you complain about excessive “care”, the phrases immediately fly in response: “He’s crazy, but I love her/him so much”... In the end, he is an angel, and you are an egoist. Of course, it is possible to tolerate this, but is it worth it? Realize that your feeling of guilt is not yours, but imposed by a tyrant who simply wants to assert himself at your expense. That is why it is often a man - for him, feeling like a dominant in the family is as necessary as air. And he achieves this most different ways, and not always adequate.

And why do victims of domestic violence endure it?

1. Violence against oneself has turned into a kind of ritual. family life- it became a habit. And, as you know, a person cannot break away from his habits, even if they threaten his life. Compare: beatings, alcohol, smoking, drugs. Families somehow live with this, or rather, survive.

2. The process of violence, suffering from it, creates a feeling of fullness of life. Inextricably linked with this is the desire to justify a loved one. After all, it’s not without reason that the saying goes: “hitting means he loves!”

3. Being a victim of violence is beneficial: everyone feels sorry, sympathizes, and helps. This, too, is one of the ways a person can assert himself, only not as a tyrant, but as a victim. Although in our society it is not customary to take out trash in public, it is customary to hide beatings and bullying.

4. Suffering from violence, mixed with religious fantasies, elevates this personality in his own eyes: Jesus endured and commanded us.

5. Most victims of violence are passive in life: they prefer to endure domestic violence than try to change something in their lives.

6. Hereditary sacrifice: mom put up with dad, which means this is my fate too.

7. It is believed that this state of affairs in a family is normal, ordinary: everyone lives like this, they just don’t show it, they hide it.

8. Masochism, developed above average, inherent to an ordinary person: he simply takes pleasure in experiencing violence against his body and his personality. This, of course, also includes sadomasochism.

9. Fear that if a painful relationship ends, everything will get worse and psychological violence will turn into physical violence. Plus, the tyrant consciously or unconsciously instills in his victim the belief that without him life will collapse. Very often this manifests itself in humiliating the victim and reducing her self-esteem to zero: “Nobody needs you (needs you) because you’re terrible (terrible), stupid (fool), and good for nothing. I’m the only one who can tolerate you.”

It is worth noting that those who have not seen another behavioral model in their life, as in point 6, can become domestic tyrants unconsciously. This behavior was the norm of the family, and the person reproduces it because he does not know that it could be different.

People also unknowingly use blackmail, which can also be classified as psychological violence. Parents, trying to emphasize their frustration, say: “You will drive me to the grave.” Or when they scold for bad grades, they actually humiliate the child. And children, even little ones, try to evoke pity by crying because something hurts, thus distracting the parent from their offense.

How to spot a tyrant

It’s easy to say “don’t get involved,” but until you start living together and start a family, your partner’s tendency to violence may not manifest itself. Most rapists operate according to a certain script.

The first stage of any domestic violence is to seduce and charm the victim. From the very beginning, the tyrant creates the illusion of equality and even dominance of his victim in the relationship. This can manifest itself in “too much”: loving too much, caring too much, admiring too much. He wants to know everything about his victim's family, childhood, hopes and dreams. He creates an atmosphere of trust by confessing his secrets, which justify life's failures, and a feeling of safety and security. But remember, you can break against a “stone wall.”

The second stage is to isolate the victim. “Let’s just be the two of us, let’s go to the ends of the world, we don’t need other people,” and so on. The victim's friends, family, and former colleagues are a hindrance.

The next step in a domestic violence scenario is to demonstrate the source of the threat and see how the victim reacts. Further - depending on the circumstances. As a rule, the victim considers the relapse of violence to be a mistake. After all, everything is so wonderful, we trust a friend, he (she) loves me. And then there may be assurances “I will never do it again,” and the victim does not fight back and accepts the aggressor.

The above scenario is more obvious in relationships where there is physical violence, but also in cases of psychological pressure is clearly visible.

Ways to fight

Unfortunately, it is impossible to completely avoid the risk of domestic violence. Not because you or your relatives are so bad, but because there are no people with exactly the same views and interests. This is where the conflict actually arises.

1. Naturally, you need to think about avoiding domestic violence and not falling into the role of its victim yourself even before starting a family:

1) “Don’t get involved” - don’t get married, don’t marry those who are used to solving all their problems with violence.

2) Under no circumstances should you connect your life with a person whose views on life, on family, differ significantly or even not so significantly from yours.

2. Try not to respond to violence with violence: by engaging in this process of mutual violence, you start the process and create a relapse of its endless, habitual repetition.

3. If you are going to live in such a family, then you need to reduce violence against yourself to a minimum. How? Patience and compromise. If you are incapable of them, the violence against you will not only be endless, but also progressive.

4. If you are determined to wean the tyrant in the family from his favorite pastime - violence, that is the only way- to do this: you need to start “playing giveaway”. Like this? You are attacked, and you evade, essentially without resisting. Are you being shouted at, insulted, or forced to do something? Well, then be silent and do what you are forced to do - extinguish the violence and ardor of the rapist. But, on the one hand, this cannot go on forever, on the other hand, the aggressor, not receiving satisfaction, not receiving the expected reaction from the victim, can use force.

5. Try to “find the strings” of the rapist - his qualities, by playing on which you can explain to him: that beating people, insulting, humiliating is not good in general, and for him in particular. For example, this can be done with flattery: try to raise the level of the rapist’s self-worth so high that he will condemn his violence as unworthy behavior. After all, it turns out that he is a strong, worthy and decent man (woman), but they don’t behave like that.

You made the decision to leave

If you nevertheless decide to leave the tyrant (which, by the way, is not so easy, because he will try to keep you and bring you back to the last, intimidating or cajoling), then the best remedy- tell everyone about the situation and find defenders (new lover, brother, father, friend, etc.).

Important! In a new romance, if it began shortly after breaking up with the aggressor, there may be danger, because you will still remain in the state of a victim, and this attracts few people, except perhaps new manipulators.

Do not under any circumstances neglect hotlines and help from psychologists. There's nothing to be ashamed of. And drive away the thoughts from yourself: “What will people say...”, this is the life and well-being of you and your children, and if people say something disapproving, then they are not your friends. A specialist will help you cope with depression and make a sober decision, and not one you made on edge.

And remember, according to the constitutions of absolutely all countries, a person has the right to be happy! And you should not neglect this right for the sake of someone who treats you so selfishly and vilely.

Ekaterina Svergun

You usually don’t hear words like “domestic violence”, “beatings”, “bullying your spouse or children” in conversations or in the media. For some reason, having declared ourselves a European country, we persistently pretend that we do not have such problems, that the institution of the family is sacred in any case, and a woman, if she is smart, will not allow physical and moral humiliation from her husband. This is wrong. Every year, thousands of women suffer violence within the walls of their own homes. And now I will not try to understand the reasons for this situation. Instead, let's figure out how to break this vicious circle and stop being a victim of your own husband. It is believed that domestic violence is a situation unique to low social groups. However, this is not at all the case - high material wealth does not at all guarantee that there can be no beatings or other types of violence in the family. And here there is no way to refer to statistics - according to approximate estimates of experts, for every recorded case there are from five to ten unaccounted for. There are many reasons for the silence of victims - fear of their tormentor, shame in front of society, fear of losing their reputation. The most interesting thing is that most often women suffer domestic violence because they blindly believe that it is their fault, and if all the husband’s demands are fulfilled, then peace will come to the family. Exactly this dangerous delusion, because if a man harms a woman once, he will subsequently do this constantly. Impunity is the most powerful factor provoking and stimulating violence! Moreover, the events will occur progressively: with each subsequent time, the degree of cruelty and frequency of repetition increases. After committing violence, the aggressor often “bribes” the victim: he actively asks for forgiveness, “makes amends” for his guilt in the ways available to him (promises and assurances, sex, gifts, “relaxations of the regime”, which as a result only gives new reasons for outbreaks of aggression). Many victims “buy” into this again and again - until they are found with a broken skull or they themselves, driven to despair, kill their tormentor. And these are not empty words - in almost half of cases of systematic violence it actually ends in the death of one of the family members. So what is domestic violence? There are five main forms of violent acts that make up the nature of domestic violence: Physical violence (spitting, pushing, grabbing, throwing, hitting with a palm/fist/foreign objects, holding, choking, beating, kicking, using weapons, causing burns, and controlling over the victim's access to social or medical assistance). Sexual violence (constant sexual pressure, forced sexual relations through force, threats or blackmail (rape), forced sexual relations in a form unacceptable for a woman, forced sexual relations in the presence of other people, forced sexual relations with children or third parties, causing pain and harm to the victim’s health through sexual acts). Psychological abuse (verbal abuse, blackmail, acts of violence against children or others to gain control over a partner, threats of violence against oneself, a partner or others, intimidation by violence against pets or destruction of property, coercion of the victim to perform humiliating actions). using manipulation of children, using the provision or deprivation of the opportunity to visit a child to control an adult victim). I will not discuss how to re-educate a tyrant. This is impossible by definition. Beatings and bullying must not be tolerated under any circumstances. For your own sake, for the sake of your children, for the sake of saving your life, you need to break off such relationships without hesitation. But don't forget that main feature domestic violence is the fact that when trying to break off a relationship, the danger for the victim increases sharply. Therefore, in a situation where you can’t endure it any longer, you need to think through everything in advance and make sure: - collect the keys to the apartment, documents, if possible - money, as well as the most necessary things: clothes, medicine (your own and your children’s - if available) and hide in an accessible place, but safe place– from relatives, from friends; - agree with reliable neighbors so that they call the police if they hear characteristic screams from the apartment; - do not threaten to leave in vain, remember the “law of the jungle”: first act, then cast your vote. If you only make threats, your stock will gradually drop to zero: no one will believe you anymore - and first of all, you yourself will lose faith in your ability to carry out your intention; - agree in advance with relatives, friends or acquaintances (preferably unknown to the aggressor) about providing asylum if necessary; hide and destroy all addresses that would help him in his search. Even better - contact a specialized crisis center providing assistance to victims of violence. Do not run away from the apartment “with everything you have”; an unprepared escape will force you to return soon - as a rule, on extremely unfavorable conditions for you; - try to take all measures, if possible, so that children do not become witnesses (and especially victims) of violence; - if violence is committed against you or your children, try to tell as many people as possible about it: neighbors, friends, relatives, co-workers - they may later become your witnesses in court; - by the way, about the court: in case of physical harm (beatings, sexual violence etc.) it is necessary to undergo examination in medical institution(contact, for example, the traumatology or gynecology department) and ALWAYS write a statement to the police. Psychological portrait of a potential tyrant: - jealousy; - controlling behavior;- violence suffered in childhood; - fast-growing relationships;- excessive demands on women; - the desire to isolate a woman from communication with people around her;- blaming others for your own failures; - cruelty, aggression or irritation towards children or animals;- verbal abuse; - rigidly determined socio-gender roles;- sudden change of mood;

- use of any force during scandals and quarrels.

Expert opinion Tatyana Kopylova, practicing psychotherapist: “Firstly, habit works here, established connections with new family A law was passed to decriminalize domestic violence. Now the first case of violence against a loved one will entail not criminal, but administrative punishment. We talked to a psychologist about how to recognize the early signs of aggression in a partner and what to do after violence has been used against you.

How to respond to violence?

Psychologist Arkady Morozov, with whom we contacted, believes that from the point of view of moral opposition to violence, it is important, first of all, to respond to it. The reaction to violence is, in his opinion, a surer guarantee that beatings in the family will stop. Otherwise, the situation will repeat itself.

“If violence was used against a wife by her husband, she needs to immediately call the police or take the children and leave. Only by reaction can you show the rapist that his actions will not go unpunished,” says the psychologist.

However, not everyone is ready to leave in response to a blow or slap. After all, it is possible that the damage was caused by accident. In such cases, it is necessary to analyze the situation and find out whether the crime had intent. However, if the victim of aggression systematically shows submission and patience, this is considered a clear sign personality prone to codependent relationships. It will be more difficult for people of this type to show awareness and leave an aggressive partner in time, Morozov believes.

Why is this happening?

He also talks about what reasons force people to use and tolerate violence:

“If beatings were practiced in the partners’ families, then most likely the partners will consider domestic violence to be an acceptable norm. A “file” with a memory of childhood abuse is “activated” in this way in a situation in which adult life, both from the side of the victim and from the side of the rapist.”

At the same time, recognizing a person who is ready to “give up” is not so easy. The psychologist claims that few people will undertake to create an accurate portrait of a potentially dangerous individual. However, there is still an approximate classification of such people:

“There are two types of such people - open or hidden aggressors. An open aggressor can show violence in society: at work, on the street, in the company of friends. The hidden type may not behave aggressively in public, but change his behavior in the family,” explains the specialist.

However, you should take a closer look at the people with whom you want to connect your life. Some seem friendly and attractive people They can give themselves away in small things. If there is psychological pressure, manipulation and a strong reluctance to seek compromises, then most likely it can even lead to beatings.

“You should pay attention to verbal aggression - curses and unwillingness to take into account the opinions of household members. A good marker is how a person behaves, for example, while driving: this is moderate stressful situation well reveals the level of aggression that a person is capable of. If verbal violence is witnessed and “endured” by a partner, the abuser may perceive this as a signal of permission and approval. Further - more, aggression grows as snowball", says Morozov.

Generally conflict situations and their avoidance is entirely in the hands of both partners or spouses. It is best to prevent use physical strength on the stage early signs, but if this has already happened, you should immediately contact the police and record the injuries in the hospital.

- use of any force during scandals and quarrels.

Using this life story as an example, one can trace quite typical scheme how a woman gets into a situation of domestic violence and what happens to her next. Here you can see all the mistakes made by women who become victims domestic tyrant and remain in destructive relationships. After the story, we will look at 10 mistakes women make in relationships and how to avoid these mistakes.

This can't go on anymore...

I want to tell my story and ask you to somehow help me understand it, because this can't go on anymore... I’m 22, he’s 26. We’re not married, we’ve been living with him for six months, we’ve been together for a year. At first everything was fine, but there were warning signs. I didn't pay much attention to them. When we met, I was depressed because of the circumstances of my life before him - apparently, I had become weak and that’s why what happened to him and me now happened. Or maybe he’s just such a person... Well, or all of them together.

When he hit me for the first time, I didn't give a damn of great importance(it was a slap in the face). We weren’t living then, we were just dating. Then, 2 months later, while swearing, he twisted my arm and broke it, I walked for 2 months with a cast (this is very uncomfortable). In the end, I forgave, because it was an accident (not on purpose). Then there was a kind of calm without assault.

And in the summer he began to beat me severely with his fists until I had bruises. All this began to become more frequent after I received messages on social media. networks wrote ex-boyfriend, and I answered him. I understand that maybe I’m wrong, but it’s also impossible! I blocked my ex, and then I was completely forbidden to communicate with everyone, even with last girlfriend— everyone was deleted everywhere. It happens, of course, that he is good, and this, perhaps, holds me back. Or maybe I'm just addicted to him? After all, there are more moments when I hate him!

I hate that he drives me out, shouting all sorts of nasty things at me. And then, when I leave, he comes for me at the same hour and asks me to come back. Mockery clean water! It happened that I wanted to go to another city to visit my father, but he was right there - he climbed onto the train and asked me with vows not to leave, he even cried. I stayed - and I’m a fool! Nothing has changed, if only for a while, not for long :)

I thought it was a matter of mistrust... We even agreed on a detector (for infidelity), which I successfully passed. But he still doesn’t believe!!! He constantly mocks, finds fault with everything, where there is nothing even wrong. I'm constantly stressed. He controls everything, always call him - where you went, why and what you are doing. He can lock me up, and he doesn’t care what I need for my business...

You ask not to close it, he hits you on the head with his fists, you cry in pain, and he knocks again... Maybe even in the morning. For example, this is already the 2nd day now - he goes to work, beats me and locks me up, but I need to go to the clinic. And yesterday he kicked me out again. I’m already standing near the threshold with the packages, and he takes them and starts tearing them and asking if I want to leave, as if he doesn’t want to. I say no, but he shouts that in a week I will crawl to him, although I said that I don’t want to.

Just now I called and said I went too far with my fists, it won’t happen anymore. Is he kidding? And so all the time... I’m tired, my grandmother tells me that I’m already sick appearance. I have somewhere to go... But I can’t, because he will call again and ask to come back, and I will melt again and go, because he was once normal, and I want to believe in it. But apparently it’s all in vain. I do not know what to do. They treat me like a dog...

Alexandra

Undoubtedly, the man in this story is typical, and the relationship is destructive, dangerous to the life and health of the woman. Alexandra has somewhere to go, she is not held down by children or financial dependence, she doesn’t even need a divorce. But she doesn’t leave him... Why? Something interferes with her in herself and makes her related to thousands of sisters in misfortune. I propose to consider these mistakes of women in relationships with a tyrant. What should a woman do or not do to avoid becoming a victim of domestic violence?

Mistakes of women in destructive relationships

1. Hasty decisions and relationships as an escape from problems

Alexandra writes that when they met, she was in a weak state. Yes, there are periods in life when we are “not on a horse” and need someone’s help. moral support- it's quite normal. It's sad that tyrants often take advantage of this. It’s so easy to win a person’s favor by showing sympathy when he feels bad, by providing some kind of support, even insignificant! And if a weak state is associated with a drop in self-esteem after an unsuccessful relationship, then the attentions of a new boyfriend become a saving signal for a woman that someone else may “need” and love her.

How to avoid mistakes?

You should not trust your feelings and assessment of your new partner when you are “in a weak state.” Don’t confuse your gratitude for support with nice feeling“needs” with love. Just because a person helped you now does not mean that you need him for life. This does not mean that he really loves and cares about you. First, return to a “strong” state, and then see if this is your person, and how he really treats you.

2. A woman misses “alarm bells”

A woman tries not to notice the roughness in a relationship that worries her. She wants to believe that “this is an accident”, it “seemed” to her, this is “grinding in”, “with time will pass"... And all because she needs a relationship and enjoys attention. She really doesn’t want to be needed by anyone, and at the same time it’s difficult to refuse pleasant courtship... She really wants to believe that the search is over, she has finally found her “soul mate” - this is love.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you want to connect your life with a person seriously, you should not be led by emotions. It is precisely the fact that a woman puts her fears at the forefront and pleasant sensations, agreeing to sacrifice more serious things for them (dignity, freedom and security), makes her convenient victim Tirana. To avoid this mistake, you should understand your value system - what is important and what is secondary. It’s like with a diet - what’s more important: a pie for tonight or a slim body to summer?

3. A woman does not attach importance to the first manifestations of physical violence

Forgave the slap and even the broken arm because it was “accidental”?! This is how you can twist your arm accidentally, I wonder? Did he not expect such a result? But the very fact of using physical force against a woman is acceptable and normal, it turns out?!

Where is the mistake? Even if a man does not directly raise his hand at you, but only swings his arms, throws some objects at you in a quarrel (even small ones, yes) or simply throws and breaks things out of anger - this is a very alarming sign! If a woman does not attach importance to such “little things” or justifies them by his “character”, her “sins” or “accidents”, she is most likely already in a destructive relationship.

How to avoid mistakes?

Remember that such behavior sooner or later inevitably turns into beatings. Turning a blind eye to this is naive! And if there was a slap in the face, then everything has already begun! A subject with such impulsive behavior is not an option for a normal relationship. He has no internal inhibition against violence, and you cannot change that. Decide for yourself that at the first such manifestations you will leave - no options! Even if he is the crown prince and carries you in his arms between slaps.

4. They allow their privacy and freedom to be violated

This applies to such “ordinary” things as “requests” not to communicate with friends or to remove yourself from social networks, reading your personal correspondence, demanding reports on every minute given separately from him, dictating what to wear and what not... The list is endless, but the essence is the same - a man is trying to take control of your life and personality, behaving like authoritarian parents with a child. And you recognize the “legality” of such control.

And it doesn’t matter how the woman explains it: his “injuries” from past life, thanks to which such behavior is understandable and excusable, due to his wrongness and guilt for his entire past personal life, the peculiarities of his character - like he “needs” to control, even jealousy for love, they manage to accept... Normal people respect the boundaries of the partner’s personality, his freedom and right to be himself. Normal relationship are also impossible without trust - and it must be there right away. Trust can be deepened, but it cannot be created out of nothing.

How to avoid mistakes?

If a man violates your personal boundaries, trying to change something in your life that does not concern him (relationships with girlfriends or parents, your work, study, hobbies, appearance), shows jealousy, begins to limit you in clothing, movement, communication, tries forbid Whatever it is for you, force do something, do something requires, forces you to “prove” your love, educates or corrects you - this is one of the undoubted signs of a domestic tyrant. This person - rapist. Run without thinking and without looking back! They are not waiting for you with him destructive relationships!

5. A woman submits to demands, obeys prohibitions, admits her guilt, tries to “correct”

This begins the destruction of her self-esteem and personality. As a rule, a woman calls this “working on relationships” or “working on herself for the sake of relationships.” She also thinks that with her softness and compliance she can heal his injuries, show herself and thereby earn his love, become the only one for him. He believes that then he will turn from a monster into a prince, like in a fairy tale The Scarlet Flower, will appreciate and love her...

But in reality, everything happens the other way around. Not meeting any resistance, the monster becomes more and more unruly, and increasingly no longer loves, but despises its victim for his softness. And the more you follow the rapist’s lead and “bend in,” the further he goes—this is the law. A tyrant is, in principle, incapable of love; he can only become attached to the victim, or rather, to the pleasure of torturing her. His goal is self-affirmation, for which he seeks to break and subjugate you completely, to deprive you of your will, freedom, self-respect, your Self.

How to avoid mistakes?

Any concessions in relationships must, firstly, be mutual, and secondly, not touch personal territory. That is, we can ask another not to inconvenience us by saying About Me, but we have no right to ask him to change himself to please us, as well as to make him responsible for our condition. If your partner does this, he is wrong.

In a relationship, you need to defend your boundaries by clearly defining them. Until you identify them, your partner may not be aware of their existence. So maybe all is not lost yet? - It's easy to check, just without taking accusations, prohibitions, encroachments on control and correction of you: turn it into a joke, ignore you, directly say that this is your territory and none of his business... Not accepting is not just not obeying, for example, but expressing bewilderment at the very fact that from you "obedience" is expected.

If the person is adequate, he will apologize and will try not to violate your boundaries in the future. If he begins to insist on his own, manipulating relationships in any form (being offended, pouting, shaking up the rights of the “head”, referring to “love”, threatening to break up or trying to “teach you a lesson”), then it means that as a person you are not for him are important, but only self-affirmation at your expense is important. Is this exactly what you wanted from your relationship? loved one?

6. Tries to come to an agreement with him, appeal to conscience, pity, justice

The woman hopes that normal human feelings will awaken in him and refuses to believe that they may not exist. This can be understood, because it is really difficult to admit that there are unscrupulous “non-humans”. But they do happen, alas. If a person allows himself violence in any form, treats you “like a dog,” ignores your feelings, insults, humiliates, etc., then it will not be possible to take the relationship with him to another level - no way! Either you can come to an agreement with a person or you can’t—that’s a constant.

How to avoid mistakes?

No matter what he says, stop blaming myself behind his behavior - an adult is responsible for himself. You have absolutely nothing to do with it - he was like this long before you, and now he is only showing qualities that he initially held back. If he doesn't have human relationship to you, conscience, pity, compassion, then it will always be so. No hope! He just moral monster- and you can't change it in any way. Accept this fact and leave if you do not want to enter into a destructive relationship.

7. Believes in his apologies and promises to improve.

The tyrant's apologies and promises are worthless, no matter how sincere they may seem. This is just part of his game - by apologizing, he reassures himself that he is not exactly a “goat”, but kind of has a conscience, and at the same time he is convinced that such behavior is acceptable, since the woman forgives. He even tests her in this way - will he forgive her or not?

Normal people also make mistakes and apologize, but they take responsibility for their actions and improve after apologizing. The tyrant, while apologizing, does not forget to make his partner guilty for what he has done (in any form: from “you provoked me” to “with you I’m losing my head, I’m not myself”). And when promising to improve, he does not forget to set the condition: “this will not happen again if you do not provoke me.” Of course, these conditions are impossible, since only he decides what will provoke him next time :)

How to avoid mistakes?

Do not believe empty promises- only actions! No, he won’t change, and if you forgive him, he’ll move on. Your position must be firm. You can give it to him one a chance, if you really want it, but strictly prescribe the conditions. Depending on what we’re talking about, either: first correct yourself, and then we will resume the relationship, or: if this happens one more time, you won't see me again(and be willing to do it!).

8. Or maybe I’m just addicted to him?

Admitting your addiction key moment, which can be traced in almost every case of domestic violence. It happens, of course, that he is good, and this perhaps holds me back... The issue of dependency deserves separate conversation. In short, I can say that this dependence does not have . The woman is dependent not on him, but on her fear of being left alone and the desire to receive the signs of attention that he sometimes shows.

How to avoid mistakes?

Answer yourself the question: are fears and hopes for dubious pleasures worth the violence that you endure for them? Even if you answer “yes,” then take into account that over time, the periods of his “goodness” will be reduced to zero, and his aggression will increase - definitely! You yourself can already see that despite his promises, he is progressing in tyranny by leaps and bounds. This is also shown by the stories of other women with the same things.

Also ask yourself: why are you making yourself a victim of your addiction? After all, it’s simple, the owner of which is you yourself! And in general, addiction is a pathology, something that needs to be fought, and not given in to it, secretly considering it a sign. Do you remember how you lived before meeting this fatal character? Your life did not begin from the moment you met him, before him you had interests and joys - and you can return to this previous page, continuing to live without him.

9. They are afraid of their weakness to succumb to his persuasion.

He will call again and ask to come back, and again I will melt and go. This does not happen to you “by itself”, against your will. Whether to “melt” or not is entirely up to you. If you take solids yourself solution If you don’t believe anymore, don’t melt and don’t come back, then no one and nothing can force you to do this.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you believe and return, it means that you have considerations that support this, and you have not finally made the decision to leave. So, you need to sort it out in your head. Deal, first of all, not even with false hopes, but with your fears and desire for “need”, because they are the ones who give rise to hopes. And make a firm decision.

To avoid the persuasion of the tyrant, to whom you are afraid to succumb, and also to minimize persecution, it is best, after parting, to simply stop all contact with him. This means: do not pick up the phone, do not respond to SMS or any messages from him, do not see or hear him anywhere. It’s as if he doesn’t exist in the world - you broke up, which means he no longer exists for you. Of course, we are talking here only about the tyrant - with normal person You can remain friends after a breakup.

10. They hope that he will change and everything will work out.

Advice not to expect that your partner can change in the direction you want has become commonplace. However, many women continue to stubbornly believe that they can change him, or he himself will change under their influence or by some miracle. They even manage to make plans for life with a person, taking into account his future changes, as if they are simply bound to happen! At the same time, his negative and dangerous traits are ignored as a misunderstanding, on the basis that “at first everything was fine”, and the woman believes that it can come back.

At first everything is always good, because a person does not immediately show up, especially from the worst side - this is the logic of the development of any relationship. But if a person shows aggression, control and other violence towards you, this is not an accident, but his character conditioned by his position in life. Over time, such traits do not go away, but rather get worse.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you fundamentally do not like some character traits of your partner, his attitude towards you, then you should not connect your life with him. And when we decide to stay with him, we accept him with all his shortcomings and agree with his existing attitude. It's fair to yourself and to him. All other considerations are from the evil one, and if you catch yourself on them, then it is better to face the truth and deal with those “cockroaches” of yours that give rise to false hopes and ignorance of reality. If you are unhappy with a man and even hate him - why live with him?

Alexandra, you also don’t and cannot have any hope that everything will work out and he will become “normal.” Everything will only get worse with him, believe me! Are you ready to live with him on such terms? You are lucky that the relationship does not last long, and nothing is holding you back. Staying with him is only your decision, which you make freely. And only you can decide to leave him. Everything here depends on you!

I'm thinking about going to another city to live with my parents - perfect option. And only then, when you are safe, you can deal with your thoughts and feelings. Of course, you need a serious revision of your priorities, outlook on life and relationships, you need work to increase self-esteem and get rid of. This will help alleviate suffering after a breakup, and most importantly, avoid destructive relationships in the future. If it’s difficult to cope with this on your own, ask for help and I’ll help.

I sincerely wish you to leave the networks of domestic violence and start a new one, happy life! Remember that what happened is just yours error in choosing a partner due to inexperience, you are not to blame either for the fact that he is like this, or for the fact that you did not recognize the tyrant. But now you will be more alert! I wish the same to everyone who had the misfortune of getting into a destructive relationship with a domestic tyrant! Subscribe for new stories from life.

© Nadezhda Dyachenko

It often happens in life that, at first glance, a quite prosperous family, in fact, turns out to be completely opposite. In plain sight (in public) there is a good relationship between the spouses, but in the house, when they are left alone, the relationship is dominated by violence from one person towards the other, assault, and insults.

According to the generally accepted definition, domestic violence is a repeated cycle of verbal, physical, economic or psychological abuse, with the purpose of intimidation, control, guilt and fear. Within domestic violence as a general category, there are more specific categories determined by the nature of the relationship between the offender and the victim, as well as their living conditions.

Typically, the injured parties are women and children, and the perpetrators are men (since men are more aggressive). Most of them are afraid or embarrassed to ask for help and hide their problem from others, thereby opening up the opportunity for their offenders to repeat the execution in the future.

A woman who opens her arms can be easily stopped by a man, but those who do not have a big physical strength a woman and children simply cannot do this.

Conflicts arise mostly from misunderstandings or unwillingness to compromise. Sometimes the intensity of passions is so great that those in conflict resort to shouting, insults, and even assault.

Quite often there is no physical violence in the family, but blackmail, deception, manipulation flourishes, and here we are already talking about moral and psychological violence. In this situation, children especially suffer: children, due to age-related egocentrism, believe that they are to blame for everything, and older children simply do not have enough life experience to sensibly assess the situation. Therefore, first of all, I urge you not to sort things out and not to quarrel in front of your children, so that good memories remain in their little heads. In this case, you establish communication ethics, respect for to a loved one, and also the most important feeling of clean sincere love, which is so lacking in our time.

There are situations when parents use children for family blackmail. Children become objects of bargaining, instruments of pressure, being subjected to excessive love and permissibility, then the strictest prohibitions and punishments in order to annoy or cause pain to the spouse (partner). Such a harmless situation at first very often gains momentum and rolls like a heavy roller over the most defenseless person - the child.

Mr. Gurdjieff wrote in one of his books: “All our complexes are laid down by our parents from childhood.” Domestic violence can create a cruel and cowardly person. The boy can grow up family tyrant, whom his relatives will be afraid of, and at work, at the same time, he will be a gray office mouse, because he will be afraid of his boss or colleagues. Some women may recognize in this description their husband, who, having failed to achieve anything in the professional field, compensates for this in the family, because... At least somewhere you need to express yourself. Of course, this is far from the ideal picture: when an accomplished man with income does not need such self-expression in the family, and peace and harmony reign in the family.

So how can you avoid violence in own family with minimal disruption and without negative consequences?

To begin with, try to avoid raised voices and shouting in conversations. As a rule, physical violence occurs when the opponent has no words or arguments left to defend HIS rightness.

Knowing the character traits of your husband (wife), you should choose the time and also take into account your mood.

Do not under any circumstances think that I am suggesting that you cave in and completely lose your self. It's about understanding the person you started a family with, showing tolerance, understanding and respect. It is possible that you may stumble upon misunderstanding on the other side, then you always have a lot of examples of the understanding you have shown that will push a reasonable person to take a similar step.

Very often, at the beginning of a relationship, couples make a colossal mistake: they hush up and accumulate complaints, and then, in the midst of a quarrel, pour out everything they have accumulated over seven or eight years. life together claims on your partner's head. Why seven or eight years? This is the very period that psychologists and sociologists talk about, the critical period, so to speak, when people become bored, the “everyday life” kills all romance, and many feel that they are living with a neighbor. Therefore, do not keep everything to yourself, talk, tell us about your dissatisfaction and experiences, because our partners do not always understand everything, not everyone has psychic abilities and can catch every vibration of your fragile soul. At the same time, do not forget to remain that unread book - a mystery, fueling constant interest in you.

- when meeting, be sure to carefully read the family foundations of your chosen one;

- pay attention Special attention on the relationship between parents, pay attention to what they are based on;

- Who is the head in this house;

- attitude towards you;

- preference for food;

If you are satisfied with everything, then this is a fairly big guarantee that your family will be friendly. But, if you have any doubts, figure out what you are faced with and whether you can come to terms with it or find a compromise, otherwise in the future you risk constantly running into the phrase: “... but in my family this is how it is done.”

Thus, be wise, show respect and understanding in your every action and word towards your loved ones.

Try to extinguish in the bud all emerging negative emotions, find the cause of their occurrence and solutions.

Do not forget that most conflicts occur due to misunderstanding and inability to see what is practically under our noses. Sometimes you just need to let things go. Remember, you are no longer children, and you yourself are already an example for your children. Every action you take will be taken into account by them, remember this, and try not to disappoint them. Disappointment in parents is a terrible disaster.

Advice for those who have been exposed at least once family violence — do not let things take their course, but take a number of measures to ensure your safety.

“You don’t need to keep facts of domestic violence a secret; at least tell your loved ones about it.

Agree with your neighbors so that they immediately call the police as soon as they hear noise and screams from your apartment.

Try not to provoke a rowdy into a scandal and smooth over " sharp corners» conflict.

If you cannot ignore the quarrel, avoid being in the kitchen or bathroom at this moment, where there are sharp and cutting objects.

Move to a room that you can easily leave if necessary.”

“If the situation is critical, leave the house immediately, even if you didn’t manage to grab your emergency bag.”

Nika Telepneva

Sources: deti.mail.ru, UNN.