Relationships in the family: advice from a psychologist for well-being in the home. Family psychology

Each family is a small socio-psychological group, which is formed on the basis of deeply intimate and trusting relationships between spouses, parents and children. Its social activity, structure, moral and psychological atmosphere depend not only on general conditions and patterns, but also on those specific circumstances in which the family is formed, lives and functions. Among these circumstances are the level of education and culture of family members, financial situation, traditions and values ​​that they adhere to and which they are guided by in their life plans and aspirations, place of residence, social affiliation of the family, moral beliefs of the spouses, on which the family’s ability to consolidate and unite largely depends. All these circumstances inevitably leave an imprint on the nature of relationships in the family and determine the specific specifics of family relationships.

Family structure and functions. Families are big and small. The modern family in most countries is classified as small. Large families today survive only in the form of peculiar federations of small ones. At the same time, small married family, as a rule, is firmly connected with the families of the wife's and husband's parents, although young families also maintain relationships with the families of other relatives of each spouse.

On average, a family includes 3-4 people, and the difference between urban and rural families is insignificant.

The core of every family consists of a husband, wife and their children. Often the parents of the spouses also live with them. Each member of the family, being in constant interaction with its other members, plays a certain role in it, takes care of satisfying certain needs of each and the entire family as a whole, as well as the interests of society. The personal qualities of the spouses and the nature of the relationship between them determine the appearance of the family and the specifics of the implementation of its inherent functions.

Communication in the family ensures the consistency and focus of the efforts of the spouses to achieve certain goals that are important for the family, as well as to satisfy the individual’s individual need for spiritual intimacy with a loved one. During such communication, spouses exchange information that is intimate and meaningful only to them, empathizing, understanding each other even better, and enriching themselves intellectually and morally. Spiritual communication between spouses is inextricably linked with intimacy.

A family is a socio-economic unit within which the household and family budget are managed, the acquisition or production and organization of consumption of various types of goods and services take place, the needs for food, clothing, housing, etc. are satisfied. The implementation of this economic function lies primarily for spouses. Profound mastery of chosen professions fully guarantees wages for spouses and prosperity for families.

Organizing cultural leisure is one of the most important functions of the family. A characteristic feature of family leisure is an atmosphere of special emotionality and warmth, which allows a person to fully open up and be sincere. Here a person is among those who know him well, understand and accept him as he is (even though he wants him to become better).

The educational function of the family is of great importance. Children are born and raised in a family. These functions performed by the family are extremely important and irreplaceable. The family takes care not only of its younger members, but also of the older, elderly ones. In a family, old people should be in the most comfortable conditions. Needy parents in old age and in case of disability have the right to support their children. Parents are the natural guardians of their children. They have a duty of care to physical development children, as well as protect their rights and interests.

The representative function of the family is understood as behavior “on behalf and in the interests” of the family in contacts with neighbors, acquaintances, school, and various public institutions.

A marriage “functions” the better the wider the interaction between the spouses. But the composition of functions in a particular marriage may vary depending on the stages of family development and the specific conditions of its existence. Failure of the family to perform certain functions may not affect the strength of the marriage if both spouses have lost interest in a certain type of activity. If interest is lost by only one and the desire of the other to cooperate in any area of ​​family activity does not find the necessary response, a constant source of dissatisfaction with the partner, a source of conflict, will appear.

It also happens that one or both spouses try to maintain a single lifestyle after registering a marriage. Then most of the functions remain “unenabled”. Marriage in this case exists only nominally.

The social nature of family functions. The family is one of those social forces that have a significant impact on social life in virtually all its spheres: from economics to spiritual culture. The core of the social purpose of the family is its ability to create a person, develop his inclinations and social activity, introduce him into society as a productive force and as an organic part of the people, class. It is in the family, says the CPSU Program, that “the foundations of a person’s character, his attitude to work, and the most important moral, ideological and cultural values ​​are formed.”

Of course, each individual family can participate in meeting the relevant needs of society only to the extent feasible for it. But all families together are able to fully satisfy them. In their children, parents want and have sons or daughters who are worthy citizens of their country, its future workers and defenders. By performing the functions of giving birth and maintaining children, the family ensures the quantitative reproduction of the population. By raising their sons and daughters properly, parents participate in the quality reproduction and development of the country's population. Through this activity, which F. Engels described as “the production of man himself,” the family passes the baton of social progress to new generations and carries out the connection of times.

Unfortunately, we do not always realize the truly colossal importance that the daily implementation of habitual family functions has for society. Moreover, sometimes one hears that the family has outlived its usefulness and that one can do without it. We cannot agree with this. Abolition of the family would mean signing the death warrant for human society. Theorizing about the possibility of replacing the family with so-called “free” love is unscientific and immoral. True love(just love without the adjective “free”), being inextricably linked with the idea of ​​personal happiness, in itself cannot be free and is strictly focused on marriage and creating a family. Meetings between lovers living separately quickly give rise to a feeling of deep dissatisfaction and an irresistible desire to unite forever. Consequently, the abolition of the family, as well as its replacement, is not only unnecessary, but also impossible. How to strengthen a family and rid it of its shortcomings is the only acceptable and worthy formulation of the question. Solving it involves improving family relationships - interactions between family members in the process of implementing family functions.

The importance of the personal qualities of spouses, the content and organization of family relationships. The state of the family and, in particular, its cohesion or disintegration primarily depend on the personal qualities of the spouses, the life principles they profess, ideological and moral principles. In this regard, the question arises: what is a person in general and a socialist person in particular? Not everyone can answer it with sufficient clarity. In the scientific understanding, personality is a set of stable socially significant properties of a person. These properties can be both positive and negative. The main ones are worldview, beliefs, life plans and goals, the ability to make and execute decisions. These personality traits determine its general orientation, as well as the ability to manage oneself, one’s actions, and relate them to the outside world. A necessary condition The emergence of a truly socialist family is the scientific, Marxist-Leninist worldview of both spouses, that is, the socialist character of their personalities. To be fair, it should be said that among Soviet citizens there are people who profess principles of morality that are alien to us. Their families, although they may turn out to be stable, cannot fulfill their main function - to be a full-fledged unit of a socialist society. Here, in particular, we mean families oriented toward materialism, “ beautiful life"due to unearned sources of income, such as, say, the use of official position for profit, speculation, small and large thefts at enterprises and collective farms, fraud, etc. Representatives of these families often boast of their “practicality”, “ability to live”, but their inner world, like the world of their family relationships, is poor, and in the end they always pay for the “beautiful life” with the loss of their human appearance, and often the collapse of the family, personal tragedies and the tragedies of children. In cases where the worldview and ideological views of spouses (or persons wishing to get married) are incompatible, the family as a stable unit of society will not arise. The difference in ideologies determines the difference in needs, goals, ideals, and therefore, the difference in actions and behavior, which leads to incompatibility and even hostility. Real rapprochement between a man and a woman who adhere to different worldviews is possible only when one or both of them abandon their original positions.

The moral qualities of spouses are important for family relationships. The ability to understand another (Tolerance, attentiveness, kindness, tact, compassion, etc. make a person more “suitable” for life in marriage. Conversely, angry, touchy, capricious, arrogant, selfish people are the cause of many conflicts in the family, capable of destroying a marriage.

Spouses must have the same or at least similar positions regarding moral norms and values ​​- such as equality between men and women, mutual respect, justice, duty, responsibility to family and society, etc. Any opposition to each other in this regard will only undermine the foundation of their relationship.

High personal qualities family members, the organization of relations in the Soviet family also presupposes their high political culture. It is higher the more stable their interest in political events, the more active their participation in the public life of their work collectives, schools, and districts, and the more incomparable their attitude to bourgeois ideology. It is advisable that reading newspapers, magazines, socio-political literature ends with a discussion of what you read with your family and an exchange of opinions. Adult family members must be able to correctly assess the content of a radio or television program on a political topic. Such a family is fully capable of resisting petty-bourgeois tendencies, consumer psychology, and imparting a civic focus to family holidays.

A very important orienting personality trait is the ability to make and execute decisions. If it is absent, the worldview, beliefs, and life goals become declarative and shaky, and the personality becomes unreliable and infantile. The actions of such a person are impulsive and unpredictable, and long-term cooperation with her is impossible. Both spouses must have the ability to make, connect with the opinions of the other party and implement informed decisions to achieve jointly developed goals and plans. If at least one of them does not meet this requirement, his irresponsible actions become harmless and even dangerous for those who create a family with him.

It is also of great importance for a person to master the legal and moral norms governing relationships in the family, the role of husband and wife, father and mother. The consequence of mastering these norms is the development of a sense of duty. It, together with will and love, encourages spouses, parents, and other family members to accurately and steadily fulfill their duties.

The moral basis of a high culture of communication between spouses in a family is, first of all, their ability to treat their partner as an equal. More precisely, a marriage partner must be recognized, on the one hand, as different from oneself, having his own needs and interests, and on the other hand, as equal to oneself, that is, deserving the same respect, the same assessment as you (of course, if you you respect yourself as a person and a citizen).

Everyone who gets married would like to have a family, outside of which all troubles remain, a family where you can relax, gain strength, raise children, educate yourself, etc. But you need to be able to build such a family, taking into account all the characteristics of the spouses and other family members.

Speaking about strengthening the family, improving relations between spouses, physical relationships in married life. The main thing here is that physical intimacy gives complete satisfaction to both husband and wife.

To ensure family cohesion, it is very important for its members to improve their economic activity. Spouses should not be afraid of everyday life. Consumer service enterprises and home appliances do not abolish domestic work, but only make it easier. Spouses must take care of themselves: cook food, keep the home clean and do other work. To have wealth in the family and run a successful household, spouses must be willing and able to work conscientiously. Without wealth and satisfaction of reasonable needs, it is difficult to imagine a happy family. However, material security is not the main, the only condition for family happiness; spiritual values ​​should also be in the foreground.

The family becomes complete and, therefore, complete after the appearance of children. Having become father and mother, that is, the closest relatives of the child they have born, the parents seem to become closer to each other. In this sense, the birth of a child is a means of strengthening the family. Children really make a strong family even stronger. However, trying to strengthen a broken family by having a child is a risky experiment.

To ensure the successful functioning of a marriage, it is necessary for each spouse to deeply understand their functions and responsibilities - wife and mother, husband and father. Each spouse must have the necessary knowledge, develop an appropriate attitude towards their partner, acquire skill and will, learn role norms (moral and legal) and, finally, learn to fulfill them creatively and beautifully. At the same time, will as a personal quality ensures the transition from knowledge and attitude to activity and sustainable implementation of functions. A weak-willed wife, husband, and parents will not do much for the benefit of each other, children and the family as a whole. At best, they will grab onto many things without being able to complete any of them.

Love is not just words. These are, first of all, actions through which attention, tenderness, care, and empathy are expressed. And every such action brings a feeling of satisfaction.

The most important areas of application of aesthetics and creativity in the family are. home and its furnishings, clothing, faces and figures of family members, their language and thoughts. Here it is appropriate to recall the words of A. A. Chekhov that everything in a person should be beautiful. Reaching the level of art requires a transition from simple skill to mastery. And the master is distinguished by the ability to act beautifully (aesthetically) and creatively. Of course, young spouses are initially faced with the task of reaching a level of sufficient skill, which should be considered as a starting point for further movement forward to wealth, perfection and beauty of relationships. Constantly improving the relationship between spouses is the only way preventing their deterioration. And more perfect relationships are possible only as a result of improving the personal qualities of the spouses themselves. Family relationships are connections between family members, which are manifested through the nature and methods of interpersonal interaction, through the influence of family members on each other when joint activities and communication. The basis of family relationships is the ideological foundations of the spouses, their life goals, moral standards and values, feelings connecting spouses, as well as their moral qualities.

In a small family, it is easier to establish relationships, on the one hand (fewer opinions and interests), but on the other hand, more difficult, since with insufficient depth and development of the personalities of the spouses, these relationships quickly become impoverished, discolored, and are not psychologically saturated.

The views and opinions, desires and interests of husband and wife come into interaction when mutual communication in the process of raising children, managing household, leisure time, intimate life, while providing economic support for the family. And here they are either complementary or opposed. Therefore, when in the process of any housework, when solving any issue, the views and opinions of the spouses diverge, you need to calmly think about and weigh both opinions and jointly find the right solution. In matters of principle, agreement must be achieved through conviction. If the issue is not too important, then the agreement can be of the following nature: today we will do it your way, and tomorrow we will do it my way.

Full-fledged intrafamily relationships contribute to the comprehensive development of the individual, his moral, spiritual and physical improvement. Therefore, it is important how work and study will be organized in the family, what leisure time is devoted to, what topics the spouses communicate on and who their friends are, how the husband and wife relate to material and spiritual values, how they raise or are going to raise their children.

The correct organization of family relations is based on the fact that a family is a collective, it is not just a “sum” whose components are husband, wife, children, but an integral, inextricable system. For such an organization, the formation of a feeling that reflects the concept of “we” is important. If there is such a formation, spouses or children, representing the family, do not say “I”, but say “we” (we say, we want). A family team differs from other groups in the emotional closeness of all its members, responsibility for each other, relative autonomy, independence from external influences, mutual understanding and mutual support. This is a team in which the age and gender characteristics of each member are taken into account, where maximum care for each other is shown, where each other is valued and understood. In a modern family, what is valued above all is its trusting, calm atmosphere, goodwill, warmth of feeling, and mutual understanding. This is due both to a change in the purpose of marriage (from an economic unit it turns into a marriage-commonwealth), and to the accelerating pace modern life. But a family will not be a real collective if its members are not united by progressive goals, such as, for example, raising children as real Soviet citizens, improving family members in their professional work, spiritual and ideological and moral growth of spouses and other family members.

Both spouses bear responsibility for the organization and maintenance of family life. Life shows that the optimal model Soviet family is one where power is fairly divided between both spouses: one dominates in one area of ​​family life, the other in another. There are also many families where the husband or wife is completely dominant. If such a situation does not cause conflicts between spouses, it is legal.

One of the progressive trends in the development of the modern family is the democratization of family relations, that is, a principle of organizing family activities that ensures the active, interested and equal participation of all its members in it.

Spiritual communication in the family. One of the main functions of the modern Soviet family is to satisfy the emotional and spiritual needs of a person. Currently the requirements for marriage union, to a life partner have increased significantly. Among the indicators of a happy marriage, one of the first places is occupied by the spiritual harmony of husband and wife.

The forms of spiritual communication in the family are different. Communication is considered normal in which all family members have constant spiritual connections, based on common life attitudes and principles on the cardinal problems of life, experience feelings of mutual affection, responsibility, readiness for mutual help, and receive support, approval, and recognition in the family.

The moral basis of the culture of spiritual communication between spouses is respect and equality. Only communication between spouses, based on mutual respect and equality, can bring satisfaction and bring them closer together. In the course of such communication, they learn to understand each other, forgive little things, adapt to the individual characteristics of each, improve themselves and their ability to interact with other people.

The decisions that a husband and wife make as a result of a calm and comprehensive discussion on the most important issues of family life are, as a rule, rational. In contrast, communication “from above” always carries the danger of misunderstanding each other, gives rise to conflicts, and deforms the moral world of the family. Such communication cannot bring a sense of satisfaction, but can only destroy love and destroy a family.

In marriage, a man forms the love (dislike) of a woman, and a woman forms the love (dislike) of a man. Their real relationship is the result of what they did to each other.

Love, spiritual closeness and communication between parents are one of the main educational factors, the emotional basis of raising children in the family. When a father and mother love each other, the child receives the most from their love. No pedagogical measures can compensate for the influence of love on a child.

In a modern family, children communicate with their mother most of the time. It is with her that a trusting relationship usually develops, and the main issues of life are discussed. However, communication with their father is no less important for children. The more often the father communicates with the child, the closer the emotional ties become, and the earlier the father becomes involved in caring for him, the stronger and deeper his parental feelings.

It has been established that the more time parents spend talking and playing with their children, the better the children develop. On the other hand, it has been proven that children deprived of the opportunity to communicate with their parents or one of them have hypersensitivity experience difficulties in establishing contacts with peers. A serious danger to a child’s development is unemotional, even if complete, satisfaction. physiological needs with a simultaneous lack of communication, affection, warmth, and kind words. Only constant communication between parents and child contributes to the creation of deep emotional connections, gives rise to mutual joy.

Love between parents and children is given by nature itself, love and respect between husband and wife, relationships with other relatives are the result of mutual efforts. There are not two worlds in a family - adults and children, there is one world of family. Any disruption of communication between generations undermines family foundations and negatively affects the moral atmosphere. Moreover, if representatives of the older and middle generations are inattentive and unkind to each other, if they are often irritated or gloomy, then no matter how powerful diplomatic walls are erected around the child to protect his world, he will still be hurt by the irritation, gloominess or indifference of adults . If, when communicating with each other, all generations of the family show tact and wisdom, do not raise their tone, take into account the desires and opinions of other family members, spare each other’s pride, and experience both grief and joy together, then family unity is born.

Throughout married life, the intensity of communication fluctuates. Psychologists believe that in the family life of most spouses there are ebbs and flows. At the beginning they are shallow and short, then they can lengthen and deepen (although, according to psychologists, the deeper conjugal love, the less susceptible it is to fluctuations).

During periods of emotional tide, conflicts arise in the family and disagreements become painful. On average, it takes 3-6 months from high tide to low tide. And it is very important to meet the next cooling period with understanding and the desire to overcome it with the least losses.

Communication changes at every stage of a family's life. The beginning of family life is a period of the most intense joys, but often also of great sorrow. When entering into marriage, a boy and a girl often have completely different, often incorrect, ideas about an ideal marital relationship and, trying to implement them in their family life, complicate their relationships with each other. Psychological adaptation to each other takes time, so it is very important in communication from the first days life together be able to forgive little things, be kind and attentive, generous and patient, caring and forgiving, strive to understand another, adapt to his individual characteristics.

The nature of communication changes significantly during the birth of a child. At this stage of family life, the psychological and physical stress of the spouses increases, their cognitive activity, life outside the home is sharply reduced, a lot of additional worries appear, etc. The appearance of a new family member brings those who have good relationships and the same view on issues of upbringing closer together, while those who have weak spiritual ties can be alienated.

During this period, it is especially important to properly build communication in the family, which is based on mutual understanding, tact, fairness and mutual consideration in the distribution of numerous family concerns.

In marriage, as in any business, you can get as much joy as you put into it. The ability to communicate is a matter of education and self-education, work to which both husband and wife must devote their strength from the first days of their life together. Family breakdown begins when communication turns into a duel of egos, when emotions take precedence over reason.

The research results allow us to highlight typical mistakes in communication between spouses, negatively affecting the nature of relationships in the family:

75% of women, 72% of men rarely go first

40% of women, 51% of men rarely praise and approve

In 47% of families, the advice of others is not taken into account

45% of women constantly set other men as examples for their husbands, 60% criticize their husbands in the presence of friends and relatives;

In 55% of families, spouses are not interested in a professional

about each other's problems, 20% of spouses never talk about

about your work at home.

You can avoid mistakes in family communication by following some rules:

In marital communication one cannot strive for dominance;

It is necessary to avoid reproaches, accusations, complaints, destruction

special for marital relations;

Communication disease begins to develop when spouses

withdraw into themselves when words that require immediate

veta, remain unattended;

It is very important to be able to manage your mood, you want to

ideas, coordinate them with the interests and condition of loved ones

people, strive to overcome, first of all, their weaknesses,

cherish the main values ​​that bring spouses together,

and overcome together what separates them;

For successful communication it is important to be generous with kind words.

words and actions (experts have proven that good-natured

people on average lie for 6-8 years longer than irritation

body, bitter or depressed

standing):

The joy of communication is impossible without constant striving

like each other.

The commonality of spiritual life presupposes family empathy for all possible mental states. However, the culture of communication requires a sense of proportion. You cannot constantly shift your troubles onto the shoulders of your husband or wife. Continuous whining and demonstration of one's complete helplessness are especially unacceptable. This kind of spouse essentially becomes another child in the family, which gives rise to new problems. Not every person can withstand importunity, obsession, and despotism. Only one psychologically verified path can lead the marital parties to a strong union - everything should be planned: time, money, effort, but above all - the joy of family communication, for it is the highest manifestation of family happiness.

Relationships between young spouses and their parents. From the moment they create their family, parents for newlyweds seem to be relegated to another plane. It `s naturally. New concerns, impressions, prospects, new social role husband or wife - all this places a huge burden on the newlyweds - pleasant and heavy at the same time.

IN optimal option newlyweds after the wedding have separate housing and live completely independently. They begin a new life of their own, independent of their parents’ lifestyle. In this case, young people maintain relationships with their parents by visiting each other. The moral basis of the relationship between newlyweds and their parents is respect and love. Young spouses should always remember their mother and father, who raised and raised them, take care of them, please them with attention, do not forget to congratulate them on their birthday, happy holidays, and provide the necessary assistance.

We also need to remember about the appearance of new relatives. By expanding their circle, spouses enrich their social experience, acquire new close acquaintances and, if possible, new friends in their person. New family ties can have a fruitful effect on the newlyweds’ intrafamily relationships and strengthen them. Getting to know and maintaining contacts with your spouse’s relatives allows you to learn more about him (her), which also brings the young people closer together and helps them better understand each other.

Parents, their life experience will help a young couple overcome existing moral and psychological difficulties and find the right answer in a difficult situation. It never hurts to listen to the advice of your mother, father, mother-in-law, father-in-law, etc. Parents should give their advice tactfully, correctly, without offending the young with their superiority, without speculating on the advantage mature age, and in critical situations - to be far-sighted and wise.

If young people, after marriage, have to live in the same living space with one of their parents, then their situation, on the one hand, is easier, but on the other hand, additional difficulties may arise in such a situation. Parents living together take on part of the household chores, which gives spouses more time to get an education, improve their skills, and spend leisure time. But the constant communication of a young couple with their parents can create numerous reasons for conflicts, if the culture of communication is low, if there are different views about life values, diametrically opposed views on the fulfillment of family roles. Research shows that “tension” more often arises between the eldest woman (mother-in-law, mother-in-law) and the new family member - daughter-in-law, son-in-law. What mother doesn't want her son to be happy? But the young wife (daughter-in-law) also pursues this goal. iA we know that in a modern family, a benevolent atmosphere is valued above all. A young man, seeing agreement and understanding between his wife and his mother, will be happy about this. But the situation will be unbearable when he rushes between his wife’s dissatisfaction and his mother’s insults.

The relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law can also be complicated. In this case, the young husband, through words and deeds, needs to show his wife’s mother the warmth and reliability of his feelings for his young wife.

Living together with parents often leads to a situation where everything that happens between spouses becomes the property of the whole family. It's good if the relationship is cloudless. If a conflict arises, young spouses are advised to resolve it, if possible, without the presence of relatives. Involving outsiders in resolving a dispute can lead to protracted proceedings. Therefore, the intervention of relatives should be allowed only with the consent of both spouses and in the event that they themselves cannot come to an agreement.

Family ethics and etiquette. The concept of ethics in relation to the family is used in the sense of morality, family morality and is considered as an assessment of the upbringing of family members individually and the moral climate of the family as a collective.

Young people who have fallen in love with each other and entered into marriage, trust each other with their individual biological and social traits, which they hide from other people, and begin to jointly decide all everyday and intimate issues. Step by step in communication, their individuality is revealed in all its manifestations (failures, weaknesses, joys, defeats, etc.). It is important at this stage of family life to be able to maintain the elevated perception of each other, and this can only be facilitated by the high moral education of each spouse, their personal qualities: modesty, tact, modesty, moderation, etc. in this case It is etiquette that will help newlyweds create traditions that hold the family together and make life in it joyful and beautiful.

Etiquette is a set of certain rules of behavior, an aesthetic form of manifestation of the moral and psychophysiological essence of a person accepted in society. It manifests itself in many areas of human communication. There are universal standards of etiquette. For example, the division of society into men and women, adults and children determines the presence of such rules as careful attitude men towards women, respectful towards elders, caring towards younger ones. The highly moral essence of the Soviet person requires the beauty of actions and manners everywhere, including in the family.

Human culture can be divided into internal and external; By “internal”, which is the main one, we mean morality, while “external” presupposes the beauty (aesthetics) of behavior. Both of these cultures are interconnected and interdependent; they must harmoniously complement each other. Love as the basis of marriage does not tolerate the slightest falsehood. Oddly enough, the absolute smoothness and politeness of relations between spouses not only does not guarantee a lasting feeling, but can indicate the opposite - a lack of love. Loving people they can argue, be offended, be indignant, they can have disagreements. But all this must be expressed in forms that do not humiliate or insult the other. Loving relationships should be built on an equal and healthy basis. As a rule, a woman is the inspirer in the family, and a man should be an active creator, which will help both of them fulfill their plans.

Family etiquette presupposes the ability to coordinate one's interests with the interests of other family members. Its basis is goodwill towards all family members.

Family ethics requires maintaining the high authority of your family among friends and others. The ancient Russian deserves praise family tradition do not reproach your spouse either in front of your relatives or in front of strangers, do not show off your hardships, elevate the authority of your spouse both among children and among others. They were always afraid of ridicule from others and slander of themselves, they were avoided, they brought out to people only what deserved approval and praise. Now some people forget that it is better not to take their differences and quarrels to public view, you need to be ashamed of your bad manners, intemperance, and evil disposition. To behave with dignity, calmly, to protect both your own and the family’s honor - both spouses should strive for this. Family ethics and etiquette should be built on the basis of reason, goodness, and beauty.

Conflicts in the family. The immediate causes of conflicts between spouses are usually the inconsistency of one of them or both of them with the requirements of marriage as such, the inconsistency of the spouses with each other (including incompatibility of characters), and destructive external influences.

Behind these general immediate causes lie groups of more specific causes. General (total) unsuitability for marriage and playing the roles of husband or wife occurs with alcoholism, persistent criminal behavior of one of the spouses, far-reaching selfishness, materialism, consumerism, and fanatical religiosity. In all cases of this kind, the person is strictly focused on achieving such goals or using such means of achieving goals that are fundamentally incompatible with marriage.

Certain personality traits of the spouse may also not meet the requirements of marriage - spiritual underdevelopment and moral instability, inability to run a household or earn the funds necessary for the family, etc. Each such deficiency can destroy any family. The same consequences are usually caused by a complex of mental traits called quarrelsomeness, when all the actions of one of the spouses, regardless of his actual qualities, are criticized and ridiculed.

Significant consequences are also caused by a lack of knowledge on certain issues that the family faces, a disdainful attitude towards marriage or a partner, lack of appropriate skills, lack of will, and a tendency to engage in illegal behavior.

Inconsistency between spouses is also possible when each of them is, in principle, capable of fulfilling the marital role, but cannot do so in this marriage, with this partner. Inconsistency in its full expression results in the incompatibility of the personalities of the spouses or their individual personal properties (worldviews and beliefs, life goals and plans), the inability to make joint decisions and cooperate in the process of their implementation. Inconsistency occurs when it is impossible or seriously difficult to jointly satisfy certain needs (for example, spiritual communication in the absence of common interests or a sharp difference in levels of development), when there are incompatible ideas about what a family should be, what the goals of marriage are and how to realize them.

An example of a destructive external influence could be, in particular, interference in the relationship between spouses of their parents or relatives. This is especially dangerous in cases where a young family, without having their own material base, lives with his wife's or husband's parents. Parental intervention often causes strong reaction- primarily from the side of the spouse who came to this family. A son or daughter naturally shows greater willingness to obey their parents. Different reactions to parental intervention often turn out to be the wedge that causes conflicts and gradually splits the relationship between young spouses.

Conflicts can also arise as a result of a surge of negative emotions caused by a random reason, or when there may be a real contradiction between spouses behind them. In the first case, a calm clarification of the actual situation followed by an apology for an unfounded accusation can completely settle the conflict. There are cases in life when, as it turns out, there are no reasons for conflict, or they are insignificant or forgotten, and protracted quarrels and scandals have managed to kill warm feelings and make spouses strangers.

If there is a real contradiction behind the conflict, the consequences primarily depend on its nature. If both spouses or one of them completely or significantly fail to meet the requirements of marriage as an institution, the marriage turns out to be stillborn or obviously doomed. This is what primarily explains the disintegration of a significant number of families in the first days, weeks or months of the spouses’ marriage. The same consequences can result from a serious initial discrepancy between spouses.

It is sometimes argued that in the age of the scientific and technological revolution, the source of family conflicts lies in the sphere of tense industrial relations. Aggression in the family with this approach is considered as a consequence of a stressful state that arose in one of the spouses at work. This often happens. A stressful state appears, in particular, as a consequence of conflicts with managers or comrades in production teams. But no less often, stress is generated or intensified by an unfavorable moral and psychological climate in the family itself. If new troubles, claims, and reproaches await a person at home, then stressful conditions are superimposed on one another, accumulate, and the likelihood of family conflicts increases sharply.

In this regard, the question arises: is it advisable for spouses to share their difficulties with each other? Doesn't each of them have a responsibility to "keep their troubles to themselves"? No, you shouldn't. The community of spiritual life presupposes the joint experience of all possible mental states. The culture of communication requires only a sense of proportion. The best way preventing the destructive influence of mental tension on the relationship between spouses is self-control.

Intimate conflicts are common in families. Even the wife's simple indifference to intimacy is usually a weakening factor for the family. The husband often finds himself in the position of begging or even begging for intimacy, which allows his wife to be “put on a pedestal.” From the height of this pedestal, depending on her mood, she either condescends to her husband, “makes him happy,” or decisively suppresses his “worthless claims.” Without knowing this detail of the marital relationship? Sometimes it is impossible to understand why a wife, who in general is neither particularly intelligent nor beautiful, looks so disdainfully at her much more gifted husband. A man’s self-esteem is constantly damaged, which gradually lowers the “temperature” in the house and cools the relationship.

The situation is no less conflicting if the wife experiences an aversion to physical intimacy. Then the marital bed turns out to be something like a place of torture for her. The aversion to the act of intimacy is transferred to the husband who needs it. And the woman either lives clenched teeth, with a feeling of constant self-sacrifice (out of fear of loneliness, a sense of duty to children), or refuses sex life altogether. In any case, the consequences for the family are tragic. The husband's inability to satisfy his wife has the same consequences.

Differences of opinions, conflicts, disputes - all this is natural and in the best of relationships. But conflicts can be resolved in two ways: either from a position of kindness, when the most important thing is in the foreground - a good attitude and only then - the truth, or by a quarrel, when it is not good relations or even the truth that dominates, but irritation, the desire to defend oneself, to win. Anyone who takes the path of a quarrel is fundamentally wrong, since he undermines a good relationship. For the highest truth in a family is good relationships, and it is much higher than someone’s momentary rightness. A quarrel does not resolve the conflict, but inflames it. And understanding this is the cornerstone of family culture.

In order to preserve love, young spouses need to master the culture of argument and conflict resolution, which consists of the ability, on the one hand, to cogently express one’s opinion without raising one’s voice or offending the partner, and on the other hand, the ability to recognize the rightness of the other, the ability to obey this rightness . At the same time, in no case should you “get personal” or resort to mutual accusations and even more so insults. At the same time, spouses must consciously try not to succumb to negative emotions, not to forget about respect for each other, to remember that each of them is faced with the task not of “insisting on their own”, not of achieving victory in a dispute at any cost, but of establishing the truth, accepting what is beneficial to both solution. To do this, it is important not only to listen carefully to what the other person says and strive to understand him, but also to be able to put yourself in his place, to listen to your own arguments “with his ears.” Finally, the willingness to give in to each other and compromise is very important.

Literature: Current issues of family and education. Vilnius, 1983; Arova E. V. Be kind: To a young family about the culture of feelings and behavior. 2nd ed. Mn., 1985; Culture of family relations. 2nd ed. M. (1985; Zatsepin V.I. About married life. 2nd ed. M., 1984; We and our family: Book for young spouses. 2nd ed. M., 1985; Our family: Book for newlyweds. 2 publishing house Kiev, 1985; Family and everyday culture. Mn., 1981; Sysenko V. A. Young people getting married. M., 1986; his own. Marital conflicts. M., 1983; Shmelev A. G. Sharp corners family circle: (Psychology of everyday life), M., 1986.

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Each family objectively develops a certain system of upbringing that is not always conscious of it. Four tactics of upbringing in the family can be distinguished and four types of family relationships corresponding to them, which are both a prerequisite and a result of their occurrence: dictate, guardianship, “non-interference” and cooperation.

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Types of family relationships and education

Each family objectively develops a certain system of upbringing that is not always conscious of it. Here we mean an understanding of the goals of education, the formulation of its tasks, and a more or less targeted application of methods and techniques of education, taking into account what can and cannot be allowed in relation to the child.

Can be allocated4 family education tactics and answering them 4 types of family relationships, which are both a prerequisite and a result of their occurrence: dictate, guardianship, “non-interference” and cooperation.

Diktat in the family is manifested in the systematic behavior of some family members (mainly adults) and the initiative and self-esteem of other family members.

Parents, of course, can and should make demands on their child based on the goals of education, moral standards, and specific situations in which it is necessary to make pedagogically and morally justified decisions. However, those of them who prefer order and violence to all types of influence are faced with the resistance of a child who responds to pressure, coercion, and threats with his own countermeasures: hypocrisy, deception, outbursts of rudeness, and sometimes outright hatred. But even if the resistance turns out to be broken, many people are broken along with it. valuable qualities personality: independence, self-esteem, initiative, belief in oneself and one’s capabilities. The reckless authoritarianism of parents, ignoring the interests and opinions of the child, the systematic deprivation of his right to vote in resolving issues pertaining to him - all this is a guarantee of serious failures in the formation of his personality.

Family guardianship is a system of relationships in which parents, while ensuring through their work that all the child’s needs are met, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon himself. Question about active formation personality fades into the background. In the center educational influences It turns out that there is another problem - meeting the child’s needs and protecting him from difficulties. Parents, in fact, block the process of seriously preparing their children to face reality beyond the threshold of their home. It is these children who turn out to be more unadapted to life in a group. According to psychological observations, it is this category of children that causes the greatest number of breakdowns during adolescence. It is precisely these children, who, it would seem, have nothing to complain about, who begin to rebel against excessive parental care. If dictate implies violence, order, strict authoritarianism, then guardianship means care, protection from difficulties. However, the result is largely the same: children lack independence, initiative, they are somehow removed from resolving issues that personally concern them, and even more so common problems families.

System interpersonal relationships in a family, based on the recognition of the possibility and even expediency of independent existence of adults from children, can be generated by the tactics of “non-interference.” It is assumed that two worlds can coexist: adults and children, and neither one nor the other should cross the line thus drawn. Most often, this type of relationship is based on the passivity of parents as educators.

Cooperation as a type of relationship in a family presupposes the mediation of interpersonal relationships in the family by common goals and objectives of joint activity, its organization and high moral values. It is in this situation that the child’s selfish individualism is overcome. A family where the leading type of relationship is cooperation acquires a special quality and becomes a group of a high level of development - a team.

Under style family education understand the way parents relate to their child. Any disharmony in the family leads to adverse consequences in the development of the child’s personality and problems in his behavior.

To choose the most appropriate style of family education, we will consider all the available types of parenting styles and the consequences of their use.

With an authoritarian parenting style, parents suppress the child’s initiative, strictly guide and control his actions and actions. When raising, they use physical punishment for the slightest offenses, coercion, shouting, prohibitions. Children are deprived of parental love, affection, care, and sympathy. Such parents only care that the child grows up obedient and efficient. But children grow up either insecure, timid, neurotic, unable to stand up for themselves, or, conversely, aggressive, authoritarian, and conflict-ridden. Such children have difficulty adapting to society and the world around them.

Parents strictly monitor homework completion younger schoolchildren, to the point of standing nearby and putting pressure on the child in an attempt to get him to act independently. For the purpose of self-defense, children use a variety of tricks, such as crying, to show their helplessness. As a result of such measures, children lose the desire to learn, they have difficulty concentrating during teacher explanations or when preparing lessons.

With their parents, such children may seem calm and dutiful, but as soon as the threat of punishment disappears, the child’s behavior becomes uncontrollable. As the child grows older, he becomes increasingly intolerant of the demands of authoritarian parents. In adolescence, frequent conflicts can lead to disastrous outcomes.

2. Liberal-permissive style family education (hypoguardianship)

In a liberal-permissive style, communication with a child is based on the principle of permissiveness. To assert himself, the child uses whims, demands “Give me!”, “Me!”, “I want!”, and is demonstratively offended. The child does not understand the word “Must!” and does not follow the instructions and demands of adults. Parents with a liberal-permissive communication style are characterized by an inability or unwillingness to lead and guide the child.

As a result, the child grows up to be a selfish, conflict-ridden person who is constantly dissatisfied with the people around him, which does not give him the opportunity to enter into normal social relationships with people.

At school, such a child may have frequent conflicts due to the fact that he is not accustomed to giving in.

3. Overprotective style family education

With an overprotective parenting style, parents deprive the child of independence in the physical, mental, and also social development. They are constantly next to him, solving problems for him. They overly care and patronize him, fearing and worrying about his health.

The child grows up infantile, unsure of himself, neurotic, and anxious. Subsequently, he has difficulties in socialization.

4. Aloof stylefamily education

With an alienated style of family upbringing, relationships imply a deep indifference of parents to the child’s personality. Parents “don’t notice” the child and are not interested in his development and spiritual inner world. By actively avoiding communication with him, they keep him at a distance from themselves. This indifferent attitude parents makes the child lonely and deeply unhappy, unsure of himself. He loses the desire to communicate, and may develop aggressiveness towards people.

5. Chaotic stylefamily education

Some psychologists identify a chaotic style of family education, characterized by the absence of a single consistent approach to raising a child. It arises due to disagreements between parents in the choice of means and methods of education. Conflicts in the family are becoming more and more frequent, parents constantly sort things out among themselves and often in the presence of the child, which leads to neurotic reactions in the child. The child needs stability and the presence of clear, specific guidelines in assessments and behavior. Parents who use different parenting and communication styles deprive the child of such stability and form an anxious, insecure, impulsive, and in some cases aggressive, uncontrollable personality.

6. Democratic stylefamily education

At democratic style Parents encourage any initiative of the child, independence, help them, take into account their needs and requirements. They express their love and goodwill to the child, and play with him on topics that interest him. Parents allow children to participate in discussions family problems and take their opinion into account when making decisions. And also, in turn, they demand meaningful behavior from children, they show firmness and consistency in maintaining discipline.

The child is in an active position, which gives him the experience of self-government and increases confidence in himself and his abilities. Children in such families listen to the advice of their parents, know the word “should”, know how to discipline themselves and build relationships with classmates. Children grow up active, inquisitive, independent, full-fledged individuals with a developed sense of self-esteem and responsibility for people close to him.

The democratic style of parenting, according to many psychologists, is the most effective style of family education.

A preschooler sees himself through the eyes of close adults who are raising him. If the family's assessments and expectations do not correspond to the child's age and individual characteristics, his self-image seems distorted.

M.I. Lisina traced the development of self-awareness of preschoolers depending on the characteristics of family upbringing. Children with an accurate idea of ​​themselves are raised in families where parents devote a lot of time to them; positively assess their physical and mental data, but do not consider their level of development higher than that of most peers; predict good performance at school. These children are often rewarded, but not with gifts; They are punished mainly by refusal to communicate. Children with a low self-image grow up in families that do not teach them, but demand obedience; they are judged low, often reproached, punished, sometimes in front of strangers; they are not expected to succeed in school or achieve significant achievements in later life.

Adequate and inappropriate behavior baby.

Children who have low self-esteem are dissatisfied with themselves. This happens in a family where parents constantly blame the child or set excessive goals for him. The child feels that he does not meet the requirements of his parents. (Do not tell your child that he is ugly; this creates complexes that are then impossible to get rid of.)

Inadequacy can also manifest itself with inflated self-esteem. This happens in a family where the child is often praised, and gifts are given for little things and achievements (the child gets used to material rewards). The child is punished very rarely, the system of demands is very soft.

Adequate presentation- needed here flexible system punishment and praise. Admiration and praise with him are excluded. Gifts are rarely given for actions. Extreme harsh punishments are not used.

In families where children grow up with high, but not inflated, self-esteem, attention to the child’s personality (his interests, tastes, relationships with friends) is combined with sufficient demands. Here they do not resort to humiliating punishment and willingly praise when the child deserves it. Children with low self-esteem (not necessarily very low) enjoy greater freedom at home, but this freedom, in essence, is lack of control, a consequence of parents’ indifference to their children and to each other.

Parents also set the initial level of the child’s aspirations – what he aspires to in educational activities and relationships. Children with a high level of aspirations, high self-esteem and prestigious motivation expect only success. Their ideas about the future are equally optimistic.

Children with low level pretensions and low self-esteem do not pretend to much either in the future or in the present. They do not set high goals for themselves and constantly doubt their capabilities; they quickly come to terms with the level of performance that develops at the beginning of their studies.

Anxiety may become a personality trait at this age. High anxiety becomes stable with constant dissatisfaction with studies on the part of parents. Let's say a child gets sick, falls behind his classmates, and finds it difficult to get involved in the learning process. If the temporary difficulties he experiences irritate adults, anxiety arises, fear of doing something bad, wrong. The same result is achieved in a situation where the child studies quite successfully, but the parents expect more and make inflated, unrealistic demands.

Due to the increase in anxiety and associated low self-esteem, educational achievements decrease and failure is consolidated. Lack of self-confidence leads to a number of other features - the desire to mindlessly follow the instructions of an adult, to act only according to samples and templates, fear of taking initiative, formal assimilation of knowledge and methods of action.

Adults dissatisfied with falling productivity academic work child, focus more and more on these issues in communication with him, which increases emotional discomfort. It turns out a vicious circle: unfavorable personal characteristics of the child are reflected in his educational activities, low performance results in a corresponding reaction from others, and this negative reaction in turn, strengthens the child’s existing characteristics. You can break this circle by changing your parents’ attitudes and assessments. Close adults, focusing attention on the slightest achievements of the child. Without blaming him for individual shortcomings, they reduce his level of anxiety and thereby contribute to the successful completion of educational tasks.

Second option -demonstrativeness- a personality trait associated with an increased need for success and attention from others. The source of demonstrativeness is usually the lack of attention of adults to children who feel abandoned and “unloved” in the family. But it happens that a child receives sufficient attention, but it does not satisfy him due to an exaggerated need for emotional contacts. Excessive demands on adults are made not by neglected children, but, on the contrary, by the most spoiled children. Such a child will seek attention, even breaking the rules of behavior. (“It’s better to be scolded than not noticed”). The task of adults is to do without lectures and edifications, make comments as less emotionally as possible, not pay attention to minor offenses and punish for major ones (say, by refusing a planned trip to the circus). This is much more difficult for an adult than caring for an anxious child.

If for a child with high anxiety the main problem is the constant disapproval of adults, then for a demonstrative child it is a lack of praise.

Third option -"escape from reality". It is observed in cases where demonstrativeness in children is combined with anxiety. These children also have a strong need for attention to themselves, but they cannot realize it due to their anxiety. They are little noticeable, are afraid of causing disapproval with their behavior, and strive to fulfill the demands of adults. An unsatisfied need for attention leads to an increase in even greater passivity and invisibility, which complicates already insufficient contacts. When adults encourage children to be active, pay attention to the results of their educational activities and search for ways of creative self-realization, a relatively easy correction of their development is achieved.

To achieve educational goals in the family, parents turn to a variety of means of influence: they encourage and punish the child, they strive to become a model for him. As a result of the reasonable use of incentives, the development of children as individuals can be accelerated and made more successful than when using prohibitions and punishments. If the need for punishment nevertheless arises, then in order to enhance the educational effect, punishments, if possible, should follow directly after the offense that deserves them. Punishment should be fair, but not cruel. Very severe punishment may make the child afraid or angry. Punishment is more effective if the offense for which he is punished is reasonably explained to him. Any physical impact forms in the child the belief that he, too, can act by force when something does not suit him.

With the arrival of a second child, the privileges of an older sibling are usually limited. The older child is now forced, often unsuccessfully, to once again win parental attention, which to a greater extent usually directed at younger children.

Specific conditions for upbringing develop in a so-called single-parent family, where one of the parents is absent. Boys perceive the absence of a father in the family much more acutely than girls; Without fathers, they are often quarrelsome and restless.

Family breakdown negatively affects the relationship between parents and children, especially between mothers and sons. Due to the fact that parents themselves experience a disturbance of mental balance, they usually lack the strength to help their children cope with the problems that have arisen just at that moment in life when they especially need their love and support.

After their parents divorce, boys often become uncontrollable, lose self-control, and at the same time show increased anxiety. These character traits Behaviors are especially noticeable during the first months of life after divorce, and by two years after it they smooth out. The same pattern, but with less pronounced negative symptoms, is observed in the behavior of girls after their parents’ divorce.

Thus, in order to maximize the positive and minimize bad influence families in raising a child, it is necessary to remember intra-family psychological factors having educational value:

• Take an active part in family life;
• Always find time to talk with your child;
• Take an interest in the child’s problems, delve into all the difficulties that arise in his life and help develop his skills and talents;
• Do not put any pressure on the child, thereby helping him make his own decisions;
• Have an understanding of the different stages in a child's life;
• Respect the child’s right to his own opinion;
• Be able to restrain possessive instincts and treat the child as an equal partner who simply has less life experience;
• Respect the desire of all other family members to pursue a career and improve themselves.

We continue the series of publications of excerpts from the book “Family Relationships” by the Greek psychologist Pavel Kyriakidis, translated by nun Ekaterina specifically for the Matrona.RU portal. How are roles distributed in the family?

A person lives in a variety of systems (for example, in a social, political, philosophical system, etc.), depends on them, and is directly or indirectly influenced by them. But, perhaps, the only system that most directly and significantly influences a person from birth to old age is his so-called

Family is a system of relationships

In a family, not only its members themselves are important, but also the relationships and connections between them. In other words, it matters to the family not only its structure, but also its organization, which depends on the ways in which its members interact. Moreover, not a single phenomenon of family life can be studied and interpreted as a separate element, but always only in relation to the entire system of a particular family.

Family members are usually very closely related to each other. strong bonds. These connections are much stronger than they might seem at first glance. The influence of the family occurs even after removal from it: a person can leave the family, but this distance will only be “physical,” bodily. Psychologically and spiritually, he will never leave the family from which he comes. From a psychosocial point of view, a person throughout his life is part of the family from which he came, as well as the family that he himself created. This continuity of generations is called originally from.

One of the distinctive features inherent in the family as a system is the fact that marriage and family life, of course, pose certain restrictions to the freedom of each family member, but at the same time the family, in turn, is responsible to each of its members. It is impossible to be absolutely “autonomous” in a family, since its members are in constant physical, social and psychological interaction, they depend on each other, they need each other. At the same time, the family must provide its members, firstly, personal space, in which they would feel cozy and comfortable, where they would feel free and could rest and relax, and secondly, confidence in receiving emotional warmth, protection and support, without which it is difficult for a person to mature and express himself as an individual.

Second most important quality families as systems are hers dynamism And variability. The family is not static by nature. Any change that happens to one family member directly affects everyone else. In the same way, a change that occurs in the entire family as a whole affects each family member individually. One type of such change is changing roles family members.

Family roles

According to sociological definition, social role is a set of behavior patterns that others expect from a person. Each person plays many roles, depending on the social environment in which he lives. From a sociological point of view, the roles are divided:

• to related to "natural status"(gender, age and, in general, everything that relates to the biological essence of a person) and
• those that relate to him "acquired status"(for example, profession, membership in a club, etc.).

By getting married, each person receives a new role, which becomes dominant in relation to those he had before. Roles of a son or daughter closely related to parents' house, are weakened because the children have grown up and now they themselves have become spouses. With the birth of children it becomes especially important parental role both spouses, which is of great importance for a normal family life.

A family is a system that can function properly only if each family member knows his role well or learns to play the roles that other people expect from him. In an "extended", traditional family, its younger members learn not only their role, but also the roles of many other family members.

Each person in the family receives his own identity. He realizes who he is, what other people expect from him, understands what he himself would like to receive from others, how he can achieve recognition, first within his family, and then in society. The family must take on the main task education and socialization child. At the same time, in modern conditions, other social institutions - means mass media, kindergarten, school, etc. - give their own models of behavior. From an early age, children can be influenced by a mentality and ideas about life that are alien to a particular family. And, nevertheless, no matter how society influences a person’s ideas about his identity, it is in the family that a boy prepares to become a man and a father, and a girl – a woman and a mother. The example of older family members helps younger ones get same gender identity and learn to play appropriate social roles.

In the family, as in other social groups, there is role interdependence, for example father-son, mother-daughter, grandfather-grandson. Without grandchildren there cannot be a grandfather, and without a son or daughter a person cannot play the role of father or mother.

Correct distribution of roles and responsibilities between family members helps her function normally. It is very important that each family member knows his role well, the roles of others, and that his behavior corresponds to this knowledge. No role can be separate and independent from the other. All the roles of each family member are connected to all the roles played by other members. How much clearer are boundaries of each role in the minds of all family members, people can communicate with each other more effectively, without leaving room for confusion or attempts to misinterpret the behavior of a person in the family.

Denial or role confusion often leads to big problems. For example, many conflicts between spouses stem from the fact that the other family member is completely entrusted with responsibility, which, in essence, is general duty. Family conflicts are based on the fact that people do not know how - or do not want - to distribute family roles and perform them well.

Happens over time changing society's perceptions about one or another family role, also a person develops physically, mentally and socially during his life, due to which his social family roles change. This is an expected and natural process, which, however, is associated with a number of problems and is not always positive.

The German philosopher and sociologist Max Horkheimer wrote: “ The ideal modern mother plans to raise her child almost scientifically, starting with a strictly balanced diet and ending with an equally strictly defined and calculated amount of praise and punishment, which is what all popular psychology books advise. The mother's behavior towards the child is becoming more and more rationalistic, women perceive their maternal role as a profession. Even love becomes a means of pedagogy. Spontaneity, natural boundless care and maternal warmth towards children disappear.”

The modern “nuclear” family places a number of complex and difficult roles on the woman—wife and mother—that she may not be able to cope with alone. The man—the husband and father—begins to participate in various household chores. As a result of the boundaries between the roles of men and women in housekeeping becoming less and less visible, although this role is still traditionally considered female. That is why in a family, when discussing problems related to housework, a man’s sense of responsibility and love should prevail.

I would like to pay special attention to father's role in a modern family. Many men perform this role in a very “fragmentary” way. Why is this happening? A man may devote himself too much to work, as a result of which his family is “lost.” Or he is not attracted to family leisure, relaxation with the whole family. Perhaps he “runs away” from the family because of his wife’s behavior, some family problems that he is unable or does not want to solve, etc. Sometimes a man is infantile, he still considers himself part of the parental family, depends on her and does not have personal “autonomy”. Bad living conditions can also become a reason or reason for a man’s desire to be outside the home b O most of his time, which means that he fails to fulfill his responsibilities towards his family.

In some cases family members do not play the roles that, theoretically, they should, but those who are forced to play by circumstances(e.g. the work of young children, the parenting role of grandparents, etc.). When part of the parental role is shifted to one of the children in the family, this may simultaneously turn out to be necessary help family in certain circumstances, and the beginning of major psychological problems between this child and his brothers and sisters. A child “performing the duties” of a mother or father will have to overcome envy, reluctance to obey, and sometimes hatred of other children...

Another problem associated with changing or mixing roles is communication with older people in the family. Communication between grandchildren and grandparents is a necessary and joyful aspect of family relationships. At the same time, communication between older family members and young married couple usually filled with friction and conflict.

Grandparents, as the oldest members of the family, occupy today an honorable, although not the most important, place in the family hierarchy. And yet, their behavior is often interpreted by family members as not entirely adequate and causes their own children to feel bewildered or irritated. Most often, behind such actions and such reactions there are hundred And t again, the inability of each family member to correctly distribute family roles or to recognize and adapt in time to the change in their roles.

One of the problems of changing roles in the family is the so-called "generation gap". In the widest and in the ancient sense personifies the eternal struggle between old and new. It is natural to expect that children will have their own ideas about the world and their place in society that differ from the opinions of their elders. Perhaps this conflict can be called not a “clash of roles”, but "a clash of points of view" available to each generation. Parents and children seem to view the world “from different perspectives”:

PARENTS	CHILDREN
1. More conservative.	1. Open to everything new.
2. Keep traditions.	2. Initially opposed to traditions.
3. They worry about the future of their children.	3. They are interested in the present.
4. Defenders of traditional morality.	4. They consider any morality possible for themselves.
5. More distrustful.	5. Trusting.
6. They need, above all, safety.	6. They are attracted to adventure and risk.
7. They strive for peace and quiet.	7. They like noise.
8. Taught by the experience of their lives.	8. Ready for any new experience.
9. They take care of order, etc.	9. They are carefree and careless.
10. They limit themselves to religious values.	10. They are characterized by freedom and licentiousness.
11. Worry about “what society will say.”	11. They don't care about social control.
12. The primary goal is “family benefit,” even when it is achieved in a not entirely honest way.	12. They do not accept dishonest and ignoble actions.

One of missions each families- help children set your goals in life and teach them to be persistent in achieving them. Parents who give their children nothing but money and pleasures create in them great psychological emptiness, especially dangerous in adolescence and post-adolescence.

What should it be perfect family and family relationships in it? The question is not difficult, it has a not so complicated answer. First of all, you need to understand that the concept of family means something whole, unified, but not separate. There will be no family if people do not want to finally get closer, combining housing, interests and other things that previously belonged only to them.

The psychology of family and family relationships is quite simple. In order for mutual understanding and love to develop successfully, people need to follow the following rules:

• Showing each other's interest is one of the most important things. There is one single truth to be understood here. If you are interested in a person's life, he will definitely reach out to you. If the development of events takes on the opposite character, it will be difficult to count on anything more than just parting after a certain time.
• Care, respect and love are the second the most important moment in the formation friendly family, where only harmony will always reign. You can be sure that the family will be strong and inseparable if such simple conditions are met.
• Trust in the family plays a significant role, because, as everyone knows, without such a feeling nothing will end without some losses. The family will prosper only when you trust all the words and actions of your loved one. By entrusting your wife or husband with an important matter, you strengthen these feelings and make the family more united.

Parenting

It is important to carefully approach the upbringing of a child, and it is the family that plays a key role in who the baby will become and what kind of person he will grow up to be.

If you have a successful and good family, family relationships, raising a child then it will be simple and effective. For example, it is very important that mutual understanding and love reign in the family itself. Then the child in such an environment will grow up kind and happy. He will eventually become successful when his adult life begins.

In those families where the child is in an environment of aggression and evil, people usually grow up who are not adapted to life. Starting from school, they do not strive for something better; they act as those who do not care about everything that surrounds them. It is important to provide your child with a happy childhood so that he can develop and be happy.

Starting a family and consequences

If you want to have a family, you simply need to know the specifics of family relationships. For example, you should understand that new responsibilities will arise that will fall on your shoulders. Now everything you do will go towards the development of your young family.

Violations of family relationships in families

When you have a baby, things get even more complicated. If you are a man, then you will have to support your loved ones financially. And if you are a girl, then you will need to take care of your man and child.

Types of family relationships

There are different types of families and family relationships. If we list them, we can highlight several main points that should be given attention:

• Family relationships where people love each other. In this case, it is important to understand that everything will work out well, the main thing is not to rush things. If everything goes as usual, you can count on a strong family, where there will always be only love, mutual understanding and respect.
• Relationships where there is no love. In this case, it is important to simply realize in time the fact that there are no feelings. Such relationships will never end in something positive. There will always be a divorce in the end, this is very important to remember.

The study of family and family relationships makes it clear that in reality, for happiness it is necessary that people trust each other as much as possible, and also support each other in difficult times.

What do violations of family relationships lead to in families? It is not difficult to understand that this will be followed by separation and divorce. It is always important to follow the main rules, respect your loved one and strive to help him.

More importantly, you must be true friend to a friend. Cheating is something that often occurs in many families. If you are unfaithful to your loved one, you may not even count on happiness, it will simply be impossible.

Modern marriages are increasingly ending in divorce. This is due not only to economic progress, thanks to which the family has ceased to be a way of survival: a girl can provide for herself, and a man can arrange his personal life. Having children out of wedlock or single-parent families is no longer frowned upon by society, and the divorce procedure is easier than ever. Therefore, the psychology of family relationships as a science that examines family problems, as well as ways to preserve it, has become especially relevant.

Stages of development of family relationships between husband and wife

Family relationships are not a static state, but a continuously developing process. Crises and conflicts are as much a part of it as love or respect. Any development is unthinkable without abandoning old forms and rules, so spouses need to be prepared for changes. Any couple goes through several stages of a relationship, each of which lasts several months or years:

1. Falling in love or the “candy-bouquet” period. This is the time when a man and a woman try to conquer each other and, under the influence of passion, tend to idealize and have high expectations for family life. The shortcomings of the other half are either not noticed at all or are perceived biasedly. A significant role is given to external data, behavior, and social status of the partner.
2. Getting used to it or getting used to it. The couple has already been living together for some time, and everyone’s priorities, life values ​​and interests come to the fore. Inconsistencies in these matters put two people in a position of opposition; quarrels and conflicts are a frequent companion in relationships. If a man or woman is unable to accept and understand each other, divorce is inevitable.
3. Compromises. If the couple has successfully overcome the previous stage, the time has come for stable family relationships. This does not always guarantee satisfaction for both partners, because... a compromise is reached in the family different ways(equality, submission, humility, pressure, etc.) - each spouse chooses and plays his own role, which suits everyone to one degree or another.
4. Ordinary and routine. Gradually, family relationships lose passion and become predictable. Boredom in communication is just as dangerous as an explosion of emotions in the previous ones. Spouses get tired of each other, lose the point of continuing family relationships, and begin to look for adventures on the side.
5. Mature family. If a man and woman have successfully overcome the first 4 levels, the time comes for conscious family relationships, which are not always based on love. Often, the cement of such relationships is mutual respect, experience of overcoming difficulties together, common interests (including material ones), as well as fear of loneliness.

Crises in the family

A crisis in family life is an inevitable transition to a new stage of relationships. There is no need to be afraid of this, but it is worth preparing, learning to make concessions and taking responsibility if you have the goal of saving your family. Experts identify several periods of family relationships:

• The first year of family life is when internal and external boundaries of the family are formed and established, and the characters and habits of men and women are adjusted.
• From the 3rd to the 5th year - as a rule, at this time the first child appears, the housing issue is resolved, and joint expensive property is acquired. There is a redistribution of roles (spouses-parents), new responsibilities and new responsibilities appear. Falling in love develops into friendship or habit.
• From the 7th to the 9th year - the children grew up, everything “settled down”. There appears fatigue from each other, satiety in sex and joint habits, a sense of routine in everyday life and communication, disappointment in expectations that were not realized.
• From the 15th to the 20th year - children grow up and separate from the parental family, their career reaches a certain peak. There is a feeling that everything has been achieved, it is unclear where to move next. This period often coincides with a midlife crisis in a man or woman (40 years old), which also gives rise to uncertainty in future relationships.

Adultery (Why do spouses cheat on each other)

Cheating can happen at any stage of a family relationship. Occasionally, the reason for a man’s drinking spree becomes banal physical attraction combined with low moral principles (when the desire to get pleasure “here and now” exceeds the sense of family duty to his wife). However, much more often, factors such as:

• sexual dissatisfaction or boredom in bed;
• lack of self-confidence, the need to recognize one’s attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex;
• lack of spiritual intimacy, mental loneliness when “there is no one to talk to”;
• violation of personal space, the need to feel free;
• tense family situation, need for psychological release, need to relieve stress;
• need for protection: the family is not a support system, one of the partners does not feel stability (in money or feelings) and tries to find it on the side.

If a person receives everything he needs in a family relationship (love, respect, sexual satisfaction, recognition, understanding, care, physical and mental rest, stability), the desire to look for someone on the side does not arise. Not everyone is able to forgive betrayal, but trying to prevent such a turn of events is the task of both spouses.

How to build trusting relationships?

A strong family- this is always the work of a man and a woman, because in order to build trusting, close relationships and maintain a marriage long years, love alone is not enough. Respect and the ability to compromise are the main keys to family happiness. Another secret of the psychology of happy relationships is that you should not try to avoid family quarrels, because this is almost unrealistic; it is better to learn how to properly resolve conflicts that arise. Experts in the psychology of family relationships give following tips for those who want to save their family:

• show your love as often as possible (if not in words, then in actions);
• do not try to change your other half - this is pressure that sooner or later will be met with hostility;
• do not compare your spouse with anyone - each person is individual;
• don’t be silent about the problems that concern you (your significant other, most likely, has no idea what’s in your head, and playing the silent game is a dead end).

If it comes to a quarrel, psychology experts advise remembering:

• there is no need to generalize and recall old grievances;
• say only what you intended to say (be specific);
• hold back your emotions ( offensive word, what is said in the heat of the moment is remembered for a long time);
• know how to forgive.

Video: Why does conflict arise in marriage?

Understanding the psychology of family conflict is the first step to resolving it. After watching this video, you will learn about the psychological reasons for difficulties in the family. The point of view and advice of experts will tell you how to understand your partner during crisis period what to do to successfully overcome conflicts in family relationships.