A married man and a free woman: the psychology of relationships. Why a married man needs a mistress - What to do if you want to cheat on your wife (video)

Most women do not imagine relationships with married men. They try not to get into them initially, and they manage to avoid falling in love with a busy man.

Some ladies, on the contrary, manage to experience passion and feelings only with a man who has a family. Let's try to figure out why this happens, and how to be a woman if a married man offers her a relationship.

Hypocrisy or common sense?

No wonder so many women resist the temptation to become the mistress of a married man. This has its own sacred meaning. Women in general intuitively well feel the prospects of relationships with this or that man. So most of them have no illusions about male psychology in relation to their mistress. Psychological research shows that love triangles involving a husband, wife, and lover are unstable, full of drama, and traumatic for all three of them.

It is believed that the most reliable way to stop the tripartite alliance, this is a decision by the person who is in it in the singular. In a situation where one man meets two women, only he himself is able to break the love triangle in the best way for everyone. To do this, he must choose with whom to stay. Such situations in real life are quite rare. In fact, the love triangle collapses due to the fact that one of the women cannot stand it and leaves. Or, less often, both endure the infidelity of a loved one, but neither is ready to leave. In this case, the relationship for three may be delayed. And the longer they go on, the more psychological trauma both women and the man himself receive.

This is why sane women try not to get involved with married men. It is not known whether it will be possible to win their love, but it is possible to make problems with almost one hundred percent probability.

Why do married men have lovers?

Sexologists and psychologists believe that mostly troubled men make lovers. Of course, there are exceptions when a normal man without any complexes and mental problems, gets a mistress. However male psychology is such that, as a rule, if a man has a stable, healthy, warm, sensual relationship with his wife, he will not waste time on mistresses. As soon as problems appear in a relationship, he begins to think about betrayal. Men are less willing than women to work on relationships. And if they have a misunderstanding with their wife, they can try to find a more understanding person. They may clash with old friends and start pouring wine on their problems or try to get away from them with hobbies like fishing or constant digging in the garage. But they can go to more radical methods - to have a mistress. Often, men do not plan to leave the family. They are comfortable: at home - an arranged life, well-groomed children and some routine, boredom, balanced by stability. And you can play tricks with your mistress, take your soul away, shake the old days. So it turns out that they have no special intentions regarding their mistress. There is only a desire to get from life what is lacking in the family.

Why do women date married men?

As we have already noted, not every woman will agree to have an affair with a married man. Usually, this is done by desperate, lonely ladies with low self-esteem. Sometimes these are women who, due to circumstances, are afraid of close relationships with people. The presence of a family in the chosen one protects her from too close relationships with a man. She has rather superficial feelings towards him, and justifies this with external circumstances, and not with her inability to love. Often a woman is pushed to have a relationship with a married man unsuccessful experience personal relationships or the notion received from her parents that all men are unworthy of her.

Male psychology in relation to a mistress, which includes superficial relationships without obligations, may well suit her. Behind the declared respect for the freedom of choice of such a man, fear and uncertainty about his own attractiveness can be hidden.

I must say that by embarking on the path of an affair with a married woman, a woman only exacerbates her problems. The constant feeling of immoral communication, the duplicity of one's own nature is detrimental to a woman's self-esteem. There is a vicious circle: the longer she dates a married man, the lower her self-esteem. The lower the self-esteem, the less chance on the successful relationship co free man ready to give her a stable and lasting relationship.

All this is exacerbated by the reaction of the external environment. It rarely happens that a mistress married man no one condemned. In fact, she is often persona non grata in the circle of friends and relatives of her chosen one. And if the romance started at work, then the mistress can also become an object of ridicule for colleagues, which clearly does not contribute to a successful career.

What to do if a feeling for a married man overtakes

Despite all the drama of relations with a married man, you should not renounce love for him. Love is not a feeling that we can control. Often it arises in our soul against our will, it is not for nothing that sayings and jokes on the topic “love is evil ...” are so popular.

If you find yourself overwhelmed by feelings for a married person, the first thing you should do is examine the situation. The fact is that now people have become somehow easier to relate to the issues of registration and dissolution of marriage.

If his marriage exists only on paper, you can safely forget all of the above and plunge headlong into romance. Just be careful: do not blindly trust the words of the man himself, check the information about the "formality" of his marriage through mutual friends, relatives and acquaintances.

If his marriage turned out to be strong and not at all “breathing in its incense”, as he claims, try to do everything to avoid this relationship.

Take a break from socializing, if you work together, try not to meet at work. Take a vacation and spend a month away from it.

Be creative in your methods of avoiding such a romance, and then you will have a chance to build truly warm and trusting relationship with some other, more decent and reliable man.

Probably every woman at least once in her life thought about why married man mistress? What's the point of having another woman if you already have one? Besides, there is no benefit here. Rather, losses: in addition to his family, the husband must also spend money on passion number two. Yes, and from a psychological point of view, it is not very comfortable. Hiding, lying, obfuscating the tracks is a complete headache.

Why does a person not pull home, to a cozy nest, where he waits delicious dinner, beloved and "faithful" sofa? After all, even if he has an excellent time with another, then reckoning still comes: he is forced to get nervous, constantly lie and strain his brain, inventing more and more excuses for his wife. And then, does the unfaithful really not give a damn about the feelings of his soul mate? If yes, then why hasn't he filed for divorce yet? Why torments and tests the patience of the one who waits, cooks, courtes? Even if she does not guess, even if she is not naturally jealous, not suspicious, it does not matter - why? What's the point?

It is still not clearer when the situation is exactly the opposite: the first guesses and is jealous, the second torments with questions: when will you marry me? After all, here the faithful have to be fully armed on two fronts at once - it is plausible to lie to one and eloquently promise the other. At the same time, each time you find the strength to defend yourself from female attacks. And not every representative of the stronger sex can withstand this. Therefore, deciding on such an act, a married man should think three times and carefully imagine the situation in his head.

A reasonable look at things involves having a new girlfriend, having previously filed for divorce from former passion. After all, this is quite logical! However, if love relationships were built on logic, then, for sure, there would be no relationship at all. If you peel back the husk and leave the essence, it will become clear that during the period of rubbing against each other, people have only learned to skillfully play on the nerves. The desire to continue the game only says that the logic in gender relations is completely absent.

But despite the absurdity, we still try to find a more or less intelligible explanation for why husbands get themselves a mistress?

It is quite possible to distinguish the behavior of a lover who is married from the psychology of a bachelor. Their behavior differs favorably, because every sane lady, after conducting a full analysis, is able to find out which of them is who. Most of the fair sex, faced with own experience With love triangle, sure that main reason infidelity is a natural polygamy. But not every person knows that betrayal can have other, deeper roots. They are hidden in psychological disorders. And the most popular root cause is the inharmonious relationship of parents.

Consider examples:

• The boy grew up in an atmosphere of abuse and himself became a participant in scandals. He was an unwitting witness to parental "revelations", during which he learned the unpleasant details of their personal lives. When the boy grew up, he became unable to perceive and, moreover, resolve conflicts in own family. Subconsciously, he will always seek shelter and reach out to the place where he will be accepted with his sorrows, fears and shortcomings. If such a married man does not work out in marriage, new passion. And if she has a sufficient mind, then she will certainly use this complex, clearly building a suitable line of action. It will create conditions in which the sufferer will feel complete comfort. After all, at home he experiences torment, and new girlfriend treats him more than loyally
• Parents were too busy with work, activities, themselves, forgetting that they need to talk heart to heart with the boy. Lack of attention, care, respect, as well as strange, on childish look, behavior cause the child to feel artificial. Growing up, a person cannot give a clear definition of loyalty and does not understand the whole essence of the issue: is it possible to change someone who is devoted to you. Therefore, even minor troubles can undermine an already fragile family world.
• Failure in the first sexual experience. If during the first sex the girl frankly expressed her displeasure, and even laughed at her partner, the guy's subconscious will start the search mode from that moment. For most of his life, he will strive to raise self-esteem or, if you like, confirm his status in his own eyes. A wise lady, in whose hands such a strange husband fell, in every possible way admires the potential and sexual power of the boyfriend. This way she keeps him as long as possible.
• The boy follows the example weak father. When complete matriarchy reigns in the family, and the upbringing of the son takes place under the tireless control of the mother, the guy “drags” adult life oppression and depression. And if, at the same time, his lawful chosen one looks like a mother (which is very predictable), another lady comes to the rescue - the one who successfully conducts sexual psychotherapeutic sessions. That is, here for the faithful, the moment of relief of the soul is important - he discusses his troubles, complains about the futility family life and finds confirmation of his words in the eyes of a new beloved. And when he comes home, happy and satisfied, he further allows himself to be humiliated in the family circle.

Lost Ideal

The complexes listed above are not always the real reason adultery. Often it lies on the very surface and in order to calculate it, detailed personality analyzes are not needed. There are examples when everything is wonderful in the life of a married person - a beautiful wife, good relationships, home, comfort, wealth - but he still acquires an affair "on the side." Why? Because he is looking for an ideal.

The psychological predisposition to the indefatigable desire to get the ideal forces the unfaithful to change women like gloves. Even in the conditions of terrible pragmatism that prevails in our world, one can meet a representative of the stronger sex who dreams of a beautiful and ... non-existent lady. The craving for illusions is laid back in early age. If it is not directed in a positive direction in time, it will lead a person all his life.

Falling in love with the one with whom he later enters into a marriage union, the guy exalts her to heaven. What happens then is clear: illusory ideas are shattered, the guy seems to see clearly and realize that the chosen one is not a goddess at all, she is the most a common person! Disappointment leads to the idea to continue the search for perfection or, simply put, cheat on his wife. If such an opportunity arises, the dreamer again rushes into the pool with his head, being sure that now he has found what he has been looking for for so long. And he is partly right. After all, here they don’t dedicate him to household details, financial troubles and intimate issues. They are not here, there is only unearthly bliss. But such a perception will exist until the "goddess pierces" and makes it clear that she is also an ordinary person. It is logical that the desire to find the ideal will resume with renewed vigor.

The dreamer type is very common. When marrying a seeker guy, a girl should know that it will be very difficult for her. To keep such a type near her, a beautiful person simply has to be perfect. Otherwise, the dreamer will be disappointed and leave for another. Being perfect is possible, but it takes a lot of effort.

Although there is another option - quietly and gently re-educate the faithful. Some manage to change the way a loved one looks at things, but this will take a lot of time, patience and, again, effort.

Antidepressant

With the ideal, everything is clear - the dreamer is looking for beauty. But why are some representatives addicted to girls with a completely ordinary appearance? And sometimes even at times inferior to his own wife? What's the secret?

The classical family is built on a standard basis: the spouse provides, protects, patronizes. Every diligent family man tries to fit himself into this framework. But sometimes there is a discrepancy - there is less money than required, there are no promotions, everyday problems put out of order. Even if the second half has moral support and does not show his displeasure, the husband's faith in his abilities is significantly weakened. He feels guilty.

And then suddenly a certain third person appears in life, in whom, for some reason, the loser is admired. The desperate one, most likely, will grab at the last straw of hope and will not even think about whether it is worth cheating on his wife. After all, from now on, the lady is his personal antidepressant, and he himself is the owner of life-affirming power. What about appearance? Does she matter? Let her look worse than her legal wife, let her cook tastelessly, the main thing is that the loser suddenly became an object of surprise and delight!

Psychology of a married lover in relation to his mistress

The model of behavior of the representative of the stronger sex, who acquires a relationship "on the side", emerges gradually. Getting the first experience of the forbidden fruit, the lover creates something like this:

• Establishes increased control over his speech.
• Monitors movement and possible places stay of a new passion.
• Makes every effort to avoid being seen during meetings legal spouse, friends, acquaintances.
• Creates an action plan for the day, where he calculates all the moves in advance.
• Activates mindfulness and thought process.

So is it worth starting an affair "on the side" if, in addition to sexual pleasures, there is only one plus - active brain activity? The rest is more of a minus, since control and hard miscalculation entails tension, and later - fatigue and a desire to get rid of the load of lies.

There is another type of unfaithful guys - "stray". The word speaks for itself, because the psychology of adultery in this case is simpler: the guy was forced to marry unplanned pregnancy girls. Agree that a fortress like this marriage union very doubtful. The guy is driven into a corner and sees in the girl by no means his beloved, but rather a warder. He is actively looking for an outlet and finds it in the arms of a cheerful "other".

The act is sometimes subject to justification, since there are girls who plan a pregnancy secretly from the chosen one (in order to set up networks for a future marriage).

After the birth of the child, they place the responsibility on the “victim”. Under such pressure, the guy feels guilty and then goes “left” to make up for the missing dominance. So the disadvantaged person has the opportunity:

• Enjoy pure intimacy (without subsequent moralizing).
• Improve mental and physical well-being.
• Get a burst of energy.

Does a man need such love? Undoubtedly. But it's better if she's honest. Sooner or later, the "stray" marriage will fall apart. Even if there are no connections “on the side”, it will fall apart. Therefore, the point here is not even in the novel, but in how honest people are with themselves.

But let's go back to the behavior model and find out what true role mistress in a person's life, what changes occur thanks to her?

The most important change is the desire of the faithful to correspond to perfection. Unpredictability, flashes of inspiration, the desire to act and strive for goals - under such influence is the faithful during the period of the novel. A attracts new connection nothing more than the unknown. The mistress has her own unknown life, interests, affairs, successes. And at home - bored pies, children, grumbling, complaints. The Blessed One is always there, you don’t need to seek her in order to fulfill marital debt. Unlike the other. Who, in addition to sex, has a lot of important things to do, and which can be elusive. This is what gives passion and attraction to love.

What to do if you want, but prickly?

What if on one side of the scale there is an irresistible craving for another woman, and on the other - a family that you cherish? For some, the first forbidden connection occurs spontaneously, and the subsequent ones “go along the knurled”, therefore the traitors do not have a question: what to do if you want to change? They even have no time to evaluate their act, because conscience at first is completely absent. Seeing the world in pink glasses, a person does not have time to think about how love will turn out for marriage.

But what about a conscious individual? The one who thinks before acting? How to understand, listen to the heart or mind?

Help here, of course, is difficult. But we will try. We will at least try to warn you about possible development events. Below are the arguments that will be food for thought on the way to treason:

• If you want a forbidden relationship, then you are no longer satisfied with the legal one, so first try to improve them.
• If you truly love your soulmate, but you wanted thrills, remember that after that, guilt is likely to come, as well as fear so that she does not know what happened.
• Think about whether you need to change if the cause of adultery is a faded passion? Look for it in yourself, turn on your fantasy, make your woman blossom from new love to you.
• There are women who do not forgive cheating. They leave immediately and forever. Ask yourself if you want to lose your true soul mate?
• After a betrayal, it will take a very long time for your couple to resume. Not a month, not two, but years. The betrayed person will remember this all his life - the imprint on the relationship will also remain for life. Is it worth it?
• After a misconduct, suspicions on the part of a loved one will remind of themselves for a long time. Do you need this kind of discomfort?
• Do not forget about sexual diseases. Often, at the moment of ardent passion, there is no time for contraception, so the likelihood of getting infected increases. And even if the disease does not threaten with serious consequences, imagine how you will feel at the time of the discovery of this secret.

Also, a potential traitor should not forget that mistresses are smart and cunning. At first, a friend can assure that an open relationship is what she needs. She will admire, love, adore you, etc. But over time, the position will change, because deep in her soul there is still a hope of getting you completely. And the fraying of nerves is not the worst thing that will befall you. An insidious passion can use the most dodgy and decisive way for your life - to inform your spouse about the connection.

Therefore, if you are still in the stage of reflection, think well. And think not only about your pleasure, new sensations and diversity, but also about those who are dear to you, who trust you, like yourself and who may not be able to survive such a blow as betrayal.

Video

Today I want to consider the psychology of relations between a man and a woman in a slightly different plane. She is free and beautiful. He is interesting, successful, but MARRIED.

This alliance is found in modern world often enough, because it has ceased to be something forbidden and condemned by society. Previously, loving a married man was considered a misfortune and a shame for a woman. Today this is perfectly acceptable.

Do you want to know why married men willingly "get in touch"? Would you like to understand why they do not leave the family? And how to behave with a married man?

Then let's figure out WHAT is a relationship with a married man and WHERE does it lead?

Danger! Keep out

Doesn't it seem strange to you that such a warning only works on a transformer? Because it really kills!

Everything else that does not kill immediately is questioned, because between the action and the result lies - PLEASURE.

What pushes a man to get in touch on the side?

- the novelty of sexual and emotional sensations
— sexual dissatisfaction, fear of the passing youth (you need to do everything in time), the desire to prove to yourself and your friends that he is still WOW-GO
- the need to establish themselves in the status of a solid, modern man who can afford to keep a gorgeous passion
- not too high moral principles, in other words, if a man is a womanizer
- lack of understanding from the wife,

A man is looking for an outlet, a holiday, new sensations that energize him, amuse his pride, make him feel confident and satisfied.

Furthermore, NORMAL man, and many women choose precisely an affair with a married man, not considering him an unprincipled scoundrel. He is aware that he is betraying his wife - a woman to whom he owes a lot. What does it mean?

At home, he tries to justify himself in his own eyes, to atone for his guilt. He becomes more attentive to the wishes of his wife,. He tries to be more gentle and new in bed, putting into practice the mistress's chips.

The mistress, unwittingly, STRENGTHENS the marriage of her lover.

Why does a woman need a relationship with a married man?

For a woman, a relationship with a married man, no matter how strange it may sound, is also very, very attractive. Here you can distinguish between sound arguments and misconceptions.

Sound arguments - a woman knows what she wants:

A woman gets a man "ready to eat", he is full, well-groomed, already successful - this is the psychology of a mistress.
- No need to shoulder a seemingly monotonous life - cook breakfasts, lunches, dinners, wash dishes, clean, wash, iron ...
- A man is perceived as a gift in a festive package, while a wife deals with a man without a wrapper.
- A woman does not want to get married today and now, but she also does not smile to remain alone. Therefore, to meet a married man - perfect option for free relationship. No one owes nothing to nobody.
- A wealthy man is able to correct, and sometimes very tangibly, financial situation mistresses.
-Insecure women with low self-esteem explain their actions by the fact that good men not enough for everyone, ready to be content with a piece of the pie.

Misconceptions:

A woman is confident in her exclusivity. She sincerely believes that EVERYTHING will be different with her, not as hundreds of former lovers tell in their memoirs.
- Naively believes in the man's promises to leave the family... LATER.
- Afraid to be alone, so ready to remain on the sidelines.

Each person has their own arguments. Each of them has the right to life. Everyone is free to make their own decisions own mistakes because they only learn from their mistakes.

If there is no taboo on having a relationship with a married man, most women, having experienced the spell of someone else's husband, will succumb and risk experiencing the taste of the forbidden fruit on themselves.

I will not moralize on why a relationship with a married man does not have the right to exist.

Relationship with a married man

I want to reveal to you TWO regularities which, like any law, operate independently of our consciousness.

1. A man leaves not where it is BETTER, but from where it is UNBEARABLE. Mistress is absolutely NOTHING to do with it.

If the relationship in the family burned out, the marriage turned out to be a mistake (this sometimes happens), it will fall apart regardless of whether the man has a mistress or not. Do not happen this, no charms.

2. Needs INCREASE over time.

No matter how good it is today, tomorrow you will want more ... . A man cannot satisfy this need. Why? Read the first law.

Now let's strike a balance.

A woman invests in a relationship:

- soul and body
time is the most valuable and irreplaceable resource
- the future, pushing it back indefinitely

Gets:

- attention and care - a teaspoon per day / week / month (select the one you need)
- a small part of material wealth, while the husband would bring all the income to the house
- unsettled personal life
- lack of confidence in the future

But these weapons must be used. Use SKILLLY and CONSTANTLY. To use = to be. Amen:).

Thank you for your attention.

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Until recently, a good friend of mine was the mistress of her boss, a married man. Charming, wealthy, intelligent, socially active manipulator. Having broken off relations with him (more precisely, having made the decision to break up), she was faced with the fact that his image continues to dominate and influence her attitude towards men. In fact, this image continues to prevent her from building normal relationships.

She compares. And he sees how all the men he meets lose against his background.

A married lover is perceived as real and significant man, all the rest - a step below.

This means that he continues to dominate. And she is dependent. No matter how you want to call it ... softer, or something. This is true.

The theme of dependence on a married man is very relevant. The one who has embarked on the path of temptation often cannot get out of vicious circle such relationships, out of their sphere of influence.

Unfortunately, the price of the issue is very high.

Bans don't work

There are rules, moral and ethical prohibitions on communication with a family person. Why don't they work?

There are worldly ideas about security. Why are they not followed?

We have a whole gallery life examples. Do they also call to the wrong address?

It has been said a thousand times what kind of boomerang it can return. Isn't it scary?

So why isn't this all working?

There are several reasons for this state of affairs.

Like in a pool with a head

Some actions are impulsive, some are volitional.

If the goals are unclear and unconscious, the actions are impulsive. Their reason is vague: “I myself don’t know what I want,” “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Sometimes even "the soul asks."

If the goals and aspirations are clear and conscious, there is an opportunity to show the will. Learn something. Create something.

The path to volitional action begins with answers to questions like “what am I doing?” and “why?”, but continues through the formation of an internal mirror - reflection.

Impulsive people, unlike strong-willed ones, most often ignore rules, norms and prohibitions. And since rules, norms and prohibitions usually warn of the dangers that their non-observance is fraught with, impulsive people unexpectedly find themselves in situations that are false and difficult.

Alone and unarmed

Remain impregnable or surrender? Yes or no? Love or deceive? Love or deceive?

When questions of this kind arise, the most dangerous thing is to be UNARMED in front of them.

Yes, there are rules of life, but how to understand that right now they concern you personally?

The prohibition and the norm must not only be known, one must be able to ... accept it. Apply to yourself. Personally.

One girl was stubbornly pursued by a married man. She resisted, but he was persistent. A mess began in the girl's head. Everything was mixed up: the desire to be loved, the fear of prohibitions, sexual disorder, the fear of destroying the family, self-pity and pity for him ... Completely confused, she went to her friend for advice. She also had a mess in her head on this topic. As a result, they drank a bottle of wine with “whatever happens” and “wait and see” toasts. The next day, she gave in under the stubborn onslaught, and the relationship began to develop in a dramatic way. All participants in the drama suffered.

And if, when making a decision, she could analyze the whole alignment? If she knew where to turn for real help, for advice? Would you accept this help? Everything could be different.

If you are confused, it means that there are not enough resources to solve the problem. Lack of experience, knowledge, principles, examples. Or it is not clear how to use these tools.

So. If it’s hard to figure it out, if you understand that you can’t cope, you don’t need to fold your wings. You need to look for help or means for self-help. How else to eliminate confusion and confusion? This is a personal life, and everything must be done so that the problem is solved not by gravity, but for the good.

Another girl told how, when problems arose that seemed insoluble, she simply went to church and dug up all the literature that was on display there. She stated that each time she found a book that helped solve the problem.

Prohibitions and norms do not work or work against us if we do not know how to use them, master them, understand them, apply them. You need to be able or learn to SEEK HELP - in your experience and ideas, in books and other resources, from those you trust and who know more than you.

If you're afraid, be afraid

Fear can erase everything, including any norms and rules. Fear of being alone... Fear that you're losing your chance... Fear that there won't be another chance... And so on and so forth.

The fact is that our decisions affect our future. The cleaner the solution, the more likely it is to go straight and get something that meets the true needs. Yes, you may need to show patience and humility. These qualities are very unpopular among ignorant people. But wise people know that they are more valuable than all the gold in the world. And you can develop them only on your own, overcoming very difficult temptations and fears.

No need to settle for surrogates, even out of fear. A relationship with a married man is a surrogate for happiness in your personal life. By agreeing to a surrogate, you can drop out of the list of those who will receive the REAL.

A betrayal of one's own norms, one's own rules out of fear entails crookedness, confusion and mirages in the finale.

I am the best

We ignore norms and rules when we have hope for our EXCLUSIVENESS.

It's the same for everyone, but it's different for me.

Excessive fixation on oneself is a prerequisite for not only ignoring norms and rules, but also constantly creating a whole sea of ​​​​different problems for oneself.

This item is the shortest, but it should be highlighted in bright red.

Because not only on the topic “Communication with a married man”, but also on many others, the root of misadventures must be sought in a sense of one's own importance and exclusivity.

Illusions

In love, infatuated, interested woman tend to romanticize reality. Of course, if she wants it for some reason. One of these reasons is greed. And growing greed from complexes.

It is not easy to work out complexes and relieve pain and dissatisfaction, it is easier to hope for a gift of fate that will solve some problems.

If the gift of fate has some flaws, they have to close their eyes. Otherwise it is impossible to solve your problems. Offends? Have to forgive. Does every date start with a drink? Will have to reconcile. Married? Well, what can you do ... But he needs me. Not only do I need it, but I like it. Not only do I like it, but I love it.

Because I want to be needed, attractive, loved.

It is very dangerous to put your WANT on a pedestal. Because it contributes to the creation of illusions.

I know that he is married, but I want to believe that he loses his head from me.

I know it won't do any good, but I want to know how far he can go for me.

I want to feel adoration, I want, I want, I want! ..

Fighting your own illusions is very difficult. First, it hurts. Second, it's work. Who loves to work? Only the one who knows why.

And for what?

For the sake of what it is necessary to look for the roots of the obsession, which is called "Communication with a married man?"

Image happy family with someone else - unconvincing. He will be pale and lethargic, as all forces are concentrated on something else.

The image of one's own freedom is not glued. Since freedom in 90% of cases will seem a frightening emptiness. Without him.

The image of oneself worthy of respect, calm, confident - as a rule, is not significant ... More precisely, it is incomprehensible. For the time being, for the time being.

Let's be honest: really change is very difficult. Living in illusions is easy. For the time being, for the time being.

If there is no clarity in the goals, let's try to crush the obsession brick by brick.

What for? Then, that all sorts of illusions and delusions are the favorite food of dependence on a married man. And the first, and the second, and dessert.

Who is he?

Yes, he is not free. But this does not diminish its attractiveness. Especially if you are attracted to him. The “set of his attractiveness” most often includes appearance, intelligence, success, and what is described by the words “interesting personality”, “extraordinary person”, “not like everyone else”, etc.

Unfortunately, most of these characteristics are illusory.

In order to check what is false and what is true, you can follow 3 simple steps.

The first is a real assessment of PERSPECTIVE. Where are relationships taking you? Where does what we have now lead to? Does it lead you where you want to go? What happens if nothing changes? It is necessary to evaluate the best, worst and middle option development of events.

The second is a real assessment of NOT WORDS, BUT ACTIONS. It is very useful to look for evidence for each of your conclusions about your relationships and feelings. Evidence usually lies just in the realm of real cases.

For example, a man says that he loves a woman, but calls and comes rarely, unexpectedly and often at the moment when she is not ready. What is he thinking about? According to him - he goes crazy for her, for actions - he thinks only of himself.

Or a woman says that next to her lover she feels confident. What is her confidence in? Does she get confidence?

So, one must be ready to substantiate and prove any romantic conclusions, at least for oneself.

The third is the real assessment of the PARTNER. Yes, he is insanely attractive, but let's put a mirror of reality in front of him. What will we see?

Firstly, he lies, and constantly. It is hard to imagine that at home he every time repents of his campaigns "to the left" and promises not to do this again. You can convince yourself as much as you like that everyone is lying, that you can’t live differently in our time, etc., but by and large this is demagogy. It is very important to realize that lying destroys the personality. Moreover, with the first lie (and a lie in a situation of betrayal is not a small one!) a person begins to lose contact with himself, psychological supports float, a person loses strength. Real strength. Whether it is noticeable or not, a deceiver is a wounded, flawed person, no matter how skillfully he holds his face.

Secondly he betrays. He must know that in this way he knocks the ground out from under the feet of the person to whom he once swore love and fidelity - that is, his wife. And also with their children.

Thirdly, he is superficial, that is, mentally stupid, or deaf, or blind, because he does not understand anything about how life works, what good and evil are. No matter how successful a person is in society, he remains a dwarf in matters of honor and kindness. To consider such a person developed is a big mistake.

Fourth he is cruel. Because he destroyed not only himself, he destroyed the one who fell into his arms. He simply led me into a quagmire, from which it is very difficult to get out. Doesn't he have the brains to figure it out? Maybe. Or he is able to think only of himself.

Fifth he is weak. He won trusting woman but voluptuousness overcame him. This is a sign of weakness or fuzziness of life positions, weakness of character. Change is never a win. It's always condescension.

This list goes on. But it's not easy and scary. How many connections does this have? family man? Who does he discuss his personal life with? In what terms? In general, it is enough to recall the "Dowry" and its players.

There is no joy in writing about it. But you can’t write about it “slightly”.

“They cry so terribly when they are really hurt. And when they stop, it’s like a song” (Beagle, Peter S.).

It should be noted that all of these items are absolutely NOT visible to the naked eye. Is not it?

So I want to say:

- It's not about us.

- It's not about him.

- It's not like that at all.

If for each item you really want to say “no, everything is different with us,” it is better to work to debunk illusions WITH A ASSISTANT.

Who am I?

Here we need to build an insurmountable wall in the way of the flow of excuses and self-justifications.

I'm excellent...

Do you know what a lover who persists in her lyrical feelings thinks?

THIS IS ME! It is WITH ME he could not resist!

He is not a cheat, he is smart, he is kind, he is strong - it's JUST I AM SO GOOD that he could not resist the temptation to enter into a relationship with me.

Of course, this often happens because a woman is not self-confident, dissatisfied with herself, worried about her future, confused, and so on. She really needs support and justification.

There is an opinion that the position of a mistress is caused by dislike for oneself. And an underlying desire to EXPERIENCE THE FEELING OF SUPERIORITY.

To call a spade a spade is selfishness and pride.

Where is the exit?

It is very important to be aware of what drives us. Just be aware of it. Call a spade a spade.

He, so-so-so, at my feet! .. - NO. You just filled an empty niche, and now he has "everything in chocolate."

I, so-and-so, kinder and more understanding than Mother Teresa! .. - NO. You just do not need money and gifts, and you are always ready.

Calling a spade a spade is generally a very healthy habit.

“By confessing his weakness, a person becomes strong” (Honoré Balzac).

Me fatal...

What does the mistress own? As a rule, if she is not a cynic (and there are very few cynics among women) and not a kept woman (and this is not the category to which the article is addressed), she wants to believe that she owns the HEART of her lover. That “there” he is registered, tormented, dissatisfied, misunderstood ... but “here” he loves and is loved.

Let's figure it out. Passion, occasional sex, intrigue... hunting, sacrifice... victory, deceit... forbidden fruit... interested views... fatal secret... The mistress undividedly owns only the shadow side of a man's life. And this is the side where the antipodes of real happiness dominate. There is not love, peace and kindness, but dark instincts and adrenaline.

The dark side of relationships replaces their bright side. He puts a frog skin on it and hides it in a closet.

And now real happiness, based on love, peace and kindness, is becoming more and more unreal. Because it ceases to be necessary. For the time being. Perhaps until the time of tears and bitter regrets.

As a rule, a woman who gives herself to the shadow side of a man's life simply did not have time to realize well what she really wants. Didn't have time or didn't want to. She just goes with the flow. And decent men are proclaimed boring and insipid. And this ridiculous and stupid judgment is stamped in large numbers. So it is more convenient to justify your dark passions.

If there is a way out of this situation, then it is difficult to find it. What will help? Memories from the days of youth and purity? Prayers to the Guardian Angel? Merciless confession? Just the "del" key? All this requires the will to live. And often help - a friend, a priest, a psychotherapist.

There is no way out (more precisely, the danger increases many times) if the shadow side begins to be absolutized: “Yes, I am like that!” or "This is my destiny", etc. This is a direct path to what is first called mystery, and then, soon, obsession. In the end, it turns out to be a defeat.

Where is the exit?

In fact, we are the ones who decide. You can make a decision and follow it right now, this minute.

“Every resistance offered to the demand of passion weakens it; constant resistance brings her down. Each infatuation with passion intensifies it, the constant infatuation of passion enslaves the passions of the one who is carried away by it. Saint Ignatius (Bryanchaninov).

I am bewitched...

Sometimes one gets the impression that the mistress is in the grip of obsession.

Let's not get into metaphysics, let's consider this question practically. Glamor presupposes the existence of a subject and an object.

The subject is a conscious or unconscious manipulator who solves his problems at the expense of others. Solving your problems yourself is weak or lazy. It is weak to expand the boundaries of your love, to create protection for your family like a man. Solve problems with self-esteem? Weak. Help your partner get to new level relationship? Weak.

It's easier to seduce a modern, seductive woman.

Work for the subject: funds mass media(which confuse concepts and promote false patterns of behavior), public opinion (read statements about fidelity... 90% is shocking cynicism), any human weakness (which everyone has), fear, despondency and unbelief.

An object is a person with an unformed life core. As a rule, the flaw is in self-esteem or the lack of clear ethical standards that could compensate for its weakness.

The object is further weakened by the media (false ideals and patterns of behavior are popularized), public opinion(race for success models), fear, despondency and unbelief.

A nice young woman falls in love with a married man. That he is using her is obvious to everyone but her. This obsession lasts for a year. All attempts to stop her and appeal to common sense she nip in the bud. She is delighted with the relationship and even shares secret thoughts that it is from such a person as her lover that it is worth giving birth to children.

This woman is fully aware of her delusion about a year after the end of the relationship. During this year, she keeps the memory of a sweet, tragically broken fairy tale, and therefore is ready for new ... fairy tales. Then a long phase of dependence, self-deception and justification is replaced by a phase of insight and struggle, then - resentment and disgust, and so on. The main thing is that now there is hope that she develops healthy immunity. Honor and praise to her that she found the strength to fight for her life.

A sweet young woman has been the mistress of a married man for many years. She is cheerful, well-dressed, cheerful ... She is only nervous with or without reason, she repeats “my man” all the time and practically does not look into her eyes ...

A sweet young woman explains that her married lover loves her so much that for three months (90 days!) He did not say that he was married so as not to lose her. He waited until he fell in love, became attached ... So that she would not think of leaving him, he also did not talk about three sons. To not lose her. Because he loves her so much...

Fog, hauntings, mirages...

Where is the exit?

Difficult question. For the enchanted, everything that is against witchcraft charm is an empty phrase.

Empty sound?

Unfortunately, we will certainly have to state that for both one and the other side of the fatal attachment, everything that is written above is an empty phrase.

Because sin is sweet. We don't have enough sweets. And we want it.

Because illusions fill the void and lessen the pain. And we want it.

Because...

No, really: there is a great fear that any work of the "help" and "clarify" type is doomed.

Any dry residue of any article and any study can be called edification and diluted with warm water: circumstances ... characters ... features ... subtleties ... conditions ...

Any black and white scheme, any ethical standard or the rule can be challenged by introducing tones and semitones...

Is it just necessary to do it?

In war as in war - any handy tool can save a life.

Hence the slogan: do not neglect help in any form. Seek and find. Go to the end.

At the very least, read this article again. For the attentive reader, there are enough tools here.

Yes, of course, a million arguments are needed. And let the first thousand be rejected, the second - profaned, and further down the list. Until the INTENTION TO CHANGE LIFE FOR THE BETTER matures.

In fact, only one argument is needed, but a very personal one.

Which?

Blessed is he who walks

Breaking the web of dependence on a married man is a very difficult job.

And therefore - honor and praise to those who take up it and go along minefield illusions, weaknesses and temptations, gritting his teeth like a fighter. These win.

A woman who has finally broken a vicious relationship is no doubt on the path of maturity and strength. She will reap the fruits that she did not even dream of at the beginning of this difficult transformation. She will be able to respect herself and calmly look into the eyes of her future husband and any person on earth. She will close the black hole of her psyche and allow her real talents and abilities to develop.

A man who realized the harmfulness of his betrayal, repented and stopped ... who helped the one he involved in the relationship also realize everything, repent and stop ... who decided never to repeat this terrible mistake and has the will and strength to follow his decision - worthy of respect.

Summarizing

Relationship with a married man is a sign of weakness and connivance on both sides.

Complexes and pride are pushing for communication.

The connection feeds egoism and illusions, which are inflated from egoism.

If there is a threat of such a connection, it is better to immediately run without looking back, block all channels, cut off all tentacles. Just be honest. So that it would not be then "I could not."

You need to know that, by and large, both sides are cynical towards each other, in fact, considering each other only as tools for self-assertion.

Relationship with a married man speaks of ignorance and a very low level of self-awareness - no matter how high the ideas of each side about themselves.

These games are played by those who have not germinated true human values.

Communication of this kind leads down the path of loss. Loss of self, loss of time, loss of perspective, despair - this is not a complete list.

The intention to change life for the better is KEY.

Calling a spade a spade is helpful.

Knowing what you are doing and why is very helpful.

Being brave, respecting yourself and your future is not only right, but also beautiful.

Ending a relationship with a married man and breaking the addiction is a true unconditional VICTORY.

Married men - taboo ( Lyudmila, 28 years old)

The psychology of a married man is built on his desire to get what he lacks in the family.

Usually this situation is looked at through the eyes of a woman, but in this article I want to go from the other side ...

So, I have been married for more than ten years, a normal family man, the relationship has settled down, got used to it, everything is familiar, I don’t expect surprises ... or I wait, somewhere in the depths of my soul, at the level where I was before the wedding. Lord, how long ago it was ... Warm romantic evening, the rustle of a bouquet of roses, and she, flying towards and beaming with happiness. Wow, I thought I forgot. As she then said: "You are so beautiful." And now? “Take out the trash!”, “When will you finally finish this damn renovation ?!”, and the trump card “Are you a man or not?” And who do you think I am? .. Then I felt like an eagle, and now ... a plucked sparrow. Then you looked at me with admiration, and now with pity. Words of love were replaced by instructions and endless claims ... eh! ..

But you still want to experience those very feelings of quivering excitement on the eve of dates, spiritual trembling, and damn it, feelings of self-affirmation! Let me wear out in worldly battles, but there is still enough sunk into new exploits! My wife will not be able to throw dust in her eyes, she knows me as flaky. Sometimes it seems that looking at me, instead of a man, she sees hypertension, excess weight and hemorrhoids. What kind of romance is this?

Another thing, a new front - there I am a hero, someone's long-awaited dream, and if you're lucky, a sex symbol. Damn, it seems that the blood boils, and the familiar hot wave from the inside wakes up ... Ha! I'm still on the horse! Here it is - an exciting anticipation of hunting and a new passion! ..

Stop. What will the wife say? And where did everything go - because with her I experienced feelings even cooler. What have we become?.. Where is the adrenaline, excitement, adventurism?! If I now invite her to cheer up her former youth, she will look at me as if I were saying hello. Lived, I'm afraid to look like an idiot in the eyes own wife! Maybe, after all, on the side ... There I will get everything I want ... And then what? It doesn't matter what to be, that cannot be avoided!

Approximately such a set characterizes the psychology of a married man. Say, a lot of ideas. They think a lot where they communicate little. When you are in last time had a heart-to-heart talk with your other half? Why is the frequency of the query “the psychology of a married man in a relationship with a woman” steadily growing on the Internet? After all, the same betrayal can be avoided if you just talk together and find out who and what is missing, and how to make up for it with mutual desire and actions? It's really not difficult. Are you afraid of revelations? And with whom else can you be sincere, if not with the closest person? Who are you lying to and who are you avoiding? After all, you still have to go along the life field and go together. In fear of losing her husband, the woman is silent, trying to please, crying in secret. So what? It's like quietly taking a shovel and methodically digging a hole between you.

What representative of the weaker sex do you think of when you read the phrase "relationship between a married man and a woman"? Who said that it is only about a mistress? feminine nature and essence. Dear wives, I understand that children - everyone has children, that work - so where without it, everyday life and problems are stuck. But what about your husbands, for whom you have less and less time and energy? This is how they take care of themselves. Remember, the secret of the psychology of men is that they are more afraid of boredom than the plague! I do not urge to entertain them, but sometimes it does not hurt to bring something new into a relationship with a married man.

Are you afraid of betrayal? Fear is a bad companion. I’ll tell you a secret: you can change without leaving your home, in your thoughts. Make sure that husbands are distracted only by you, and not by their own fantasies. How exactly? Every woman has her own recipe. Someone's faithful loves to be listened to, someone prefers touching, another prefers to spend more time together. Take a closer look. And don't worry about your husband. Live for your pleasure, do what you love, promote your psychology, and his instinct of the conqueror will spur him to win attention to himself. Well, if he whines that no one needs him, dinner is not ready and everyone has forgotten about him, the question involuntarily arises: “Is it necessary to be afraid that such a person will leave?” Guys, if anyone recognizes himself - no offense. And whoever has something to add from the reasons why we are sometimes drawn to the left, add in the comments to this article. Let's open the cards ...;)

/ for those who are interested in the psychology of a married man, I offer another interesting article "