Relationship cheating. Are cheating acceptable in a serious relationship?

As soon as a lie arises between people, the relationship must be terminated. If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you, nothing good will come of it - everything that happens will turn out to be a farce. In your attempts to help the person who has contacted you, you will not move forward a millimeter until you establish the fact of deception. Another way out this stage No. When it comes to helping, trust is key. If trust is lost, everything else loses its meaning. One of two things remains: either trust must be restored, or the relationship comes to an end. Where there is a lie, normal human relations impossible.

Truthfulness and sincerity is everything. These qualities are the cornerstone of the relationship between a man and a woman during dating hours and at the time of family life.

Deception during courtship

In the world of lovers one can come across different kinds deceit. Let's take a closer look at the most common ones.

Cheating about your relationship

Karen really liked Matt. They dated for several months. But gradually she realized that their relationship had no future. Karen loved the fact that Matt was in her life. Matt's attitude towards her was much more serious. He generally stopped communicating with other girls and began to treat her as a lover.

At first, Karen even felt awkward from his seriousness. But she tried to drive away this feeling. In the end, because she was pleased with him, and she did not see anything wrong with that. But Mat fell in love with Karen more and more. There were all signs that the guy "got hooked." How big love he demonstrated, the more she drove away the haunting feeling that she was hiding the truth from him. "So what's wrong with that?" she assured herself.

One evening they were watching TV together. Leaning towards Karen, Mat kissed her tenderly and said:
- I love you.

Karen seemed to be petrified. Yet she returned his kiss, continuing to act as if she felt the same feelings as he did. After a while she said she was tired and wanted to sleep. Karen wished him Good night and he left. Matt felt at the pinnacle of bliss. He had a feeling that their relationship had reached a qualitatively new level. He made grandiose plans for the future, feeling huge changes within himself. That night, he dreamed of the time when he and Karen would be together.

What do you think happened to them afterwards?

In principle, two options are possible. Option one. The next day, Karen approached Matt and said:
- We need to talk. Last night, when you said you loved me, I felt kind of uncomfortable. I think we feel for each other different feelings. I don't feel the same way for you that you feel for me. I think it's better for us to be friends.

Unfortunately, it did not happen. The girl ignored the mental heaviness and continued to live as before. The young man was fascinated by her more and more. She, as before, did not interfere with this. Mat devoted all his time to Karen, gave her increased attention He didn't let go of her for a minute. He was sure that they were the bride and groom. She allowed him to do so. She enjoyed spending time with him. She constantly suppressed the steadily growing internal contradiction between what she had to portray and what she really felt. She kept telling herself, "I feel so good with him. What's wrong with me continuing to date him?" And everything remained the same. But still, there came a moment when Karen thought not only about herself, but also about Matt. She decided that it was time to put an end to their meetings, and told the young man that she did not see the continuation of their relationship.

Matt was depressed. He didn't believe his ears. Only yesterday everything was great, but today suddenly everything has changed. How could this happen? His disappointment was so great that he could not meet with anyone for a very long time.
Many boys and girls find themselves in similar situation. Each side experiences heartache. But Matt's pain was by far the worst. He was deceived. He believed that his beloved treats him the same way he treats her. But it turned out that this is not so. What used to cause jubilation in his soul, now turned into severe mental pain.

The reality is that often the period of courtship young man for the girl is accompanied by pain and even loss. Many lovers know from experience what it is like to lose love or even hope to love. And although often in a relationship between two people the loss of the desired feeling of love is almost inevitable, the loss of trust in a person of the opposite sex should not take place if people behave honestly towards each other. As Paul said, "Therefore, putting aside falsehood, speak truth each one to his neighbor, for we are members of one another" (Ephesians 4:25). It's one thing to have love and lose it. It is quite another thing to have love and lie in the eyes of a loved one.

There is nothing wrong with going on dates with someone, enjoying someone's company and in the process of communication, gradually to the end to find out your attitude towards this person. In fact, that's what people meet for. But as soon as one of the two is convinced that their relationship cannot be what the other imagines or hopes to see, then he is obliged to directly and honestly tell him about it. Any other behavior is deception and harms the other person. Don't be the cause of deceit and don't let the other person be deceived about your actions. Mat would have felt much better if he had known the truth sooner, once Karen figured out everything that was happening herself, This would allow him not to lose confidence in women.

cheating on friendship

The same thing can happen exactly the opposite. Karen acted like a bride, although in reality she was just a friend. There are people who lie about their true relationship, pretending that they are just friends. Both among girls and among boys there are those who have a secret object of adoration, and they try in every possible way to win his favor. Driven by their ulterior motives, they come up with all sorts of ways to be of some use to him, to somehow serve him. And if the object of their passion does not reciprocate, they begin to feel offended, bypassed by his attention and even victims, as if he had done them some harm. And the "object" all this time believes that they are "just friends."
There is nothing wrong with making friends with someone and getting to know this person better in order to understand what kind of relationship you can count on in the future. Very often, relationships between people that began with friendship gradually become deeper and grow into the strongest and longest that can be. But in no case is it possible, having quite definite views on someone, long time keep this person deluded by pretending that you have something completely different in mind.
Without a doubt, you are absolutely not obliged, having felt any enticing feelings for a person of the opposite sex, to immediately put all the cards on the table. However, approaching the truth in a roundabout way and deliberately misleading are two different things. You don't have to act like a friend if you're not. The best thing to do is to ask yourself the direct question, "What happens if things don't end the way I imagine?" If you sincerely admit that you would be happy to remain friends and that you love this person only as a friend, then act honestly. If you say: "Oh, he does not like my option, then I don't care if we remain "friends" or not," then your friendship will turn out to be just a bargaining chip. So you know.

Cheating about other people

Often two people lie to each other about their relationships with other people. They pretend that some person is "just a friend", although they were once connected, and maybe even now they are connected by a deeper relationship.

I had a man at the reception who met with one woman. He kept trying to figure her out true attitude to himself, as he was haunted by a strange feeling that something was wrong with her. She devoted too much time and energy to work. My patient had no objection to this strong affection to work, but the relationship of his lover with his supervisor was somewhat alarming. He knew absolutely for sure that they were not dating, not doing anything illegal. But there was some connection between her excessive passion for work and her attitude towards her boss,

Soon everything became clear: it turns out that this woman was once engaged to the boss. And a certain connection continued to exist between them to this day. But she claimed that they had clean business relationship. Thus, she misled my patient.
He began to feel cruelly deceived, their relationship grew colder. They faltered not because the woman worked with her ex-fiancé, but because she did not inform the man she was dating about her previous relationship with her boss. He found out about her past connection with a man whom she herself has not openly admitted. Then some other circumstances surfaced, which she also hid. Their relationship ended completely. And if she told the truth about her former boyfriend, the subsequent circumstances would not have been decisive. But if once a person has already been deceived, trust is difficult to restore. Later I learned that this woman returned to her former boyfriend. I told my patient that he was lucky he left her on time.

Deceit about who you really are

In the chapter on honesty, it is not superfluous to remind you that your relationship will be only as successful as honest and sincere about everything that happens you yourself can be.

If you love a certain music, church, movies, occupation, then say so. If you don't feel like going to someone's house or an event, be honest about it. This does not mean at all that you should not sacrifice your interests for the sake of another. This means that you should not be ashamed to be yourself. Otherwise, your friend will consider you one person, although in fact you are completely different. And later, because of this, trouble will arise. In addition, as a rule, compliant people attract people who are powerful, selfish, and you don’t want to connect your life with this. Be sincere, don't imitate who you're dating, and enjoy your relationship.

Fraud about what's going on

There are people who lie not about their feelings, tastes, personal preferences, but about actual circumstances own life. Here possible TYPES LIE:

About the place of residence
- About the financial condition
- About drug abuse
- About your relationship with someone else
- About your past
- About your life achievements
- About the facts of his biography

If you catch your admirer in a lie, take this as a very serious warning about his true nature. Lying about anything puts your relationship on a very shaky foundation.

Deception about insults and quarrels

Suppose you intend to always tell only the truth about everything that happens. But you should always be on the lookout for your companion! If you lie to a person you like, you will never know his true nature.

If you want the relationship with the person you are dating to lead to something more serious, then the most important thing that is required of you is to be honest about the grievances and quarrels that arise. Imagine that you have a problem in your relationship with your lover: you do not like the way he treats you, or you are offended by something. You should be frank about this.

Here are two main reasons why you should honestly say if something is wrong:

1. Settle everything causing pain and resentment of disagreement is possible only by being honest with each other.
2. If you are always honest, then the behavior of the other person unmistakably indicates to you whether long-term and strong relationship based on truth.

As soon as an insult lurks in your soul, bring it up for discussion. Do not allow bitter feelings to settle inside you for a long time. If another person has done something that you do not like, that goes against your beliefs, that you consider to be fundamentally wrong, then this should certainly be discussed with him. If you don't, your relationship will be built on false sensation security and closeness. And in the future, you will often have to experience resentment and fear. Much will be lost for you if you never understand who your partner really is and what your future relationship can realistically become. And you can find out only if you directly and openly settle all the quarrels that arise and do not hush up grievances. A conflict-free relationship is a relationship that is superficial and empty. Then you should find out if your loved one can honestly and openly deal with the problems that arise. conflict situations and the hurt they generate. Conclusion of the Bible and all research work in the study of human relations is quite clear: only one who is able to openly resolve all the differences that arise and cope with the associated negative emotions, can build their relationship properly. First of all, before it is too late, you must find out: is it possible to talk about everything with your beloved. If you have serious views on a person who is not able to deal with the feeling of resentment that has arisen in you or in himself, cannot resolve the overdue conflict, then loneliness awaits you together, as well as hostility and even cruel treatment loved one.

The Proverbs very accurately describes a person who is unable to overcome the opposition that has arisen: "Do not rebuke the scorner, lest he hate you; rebuke the wise, and he will love you" (Proverbs 9:8). "A wicked man does not love those who reprove him, and he will not go to the wise" (Proverbs 15:12).

You need to know what the person you are meeting is like: does he just start making excuses when you raise the issue of a quarrel that has occurred and want to sort out the offence, or seeks to listen to you, get to the bottom of the truth and draw an appropriate conclusion for yourself. If you do not begin to deal with the conflict that has arisen immediately, you will have to face a lot of trouble when your relationship becomes more serious. Sincerity in the event of an offense and an overdue quarrel is the basis of spiritual intimacy. It divides people into two parts - wise men and fools. Sincerity is a trump card in your hands. You cannot control all the actions of the one you go on dates with. But you can determine exactly what you yourself will become in the future, and on the basis of this, understand what kind of person you would like to be together with.

Two types of liars

Why do people lie and what can be done about it? In our opinion, there are two types of liars.

Some lie out of shame or guilt, out of fear of escalating conflict, or out of fear of losing love. They lie because they are afraid, and in precisely those situations in which it would be easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another, they fail to do so. They are afraid of the wrath of another person: it seems to them that they will no longer be loved. Others lie because it has already become their norm. They deceive people for their own pleasure. Their lies are not based on fear or on the desire to justify themselves - they just like to lie.

Do you want to take a certain risk to deal with a representative of the first type? People related to him have never had a relationship with anyone in which they would feel completely safe and would be honest and sincere. They have already become in the habit of not telling the truth. They lie for the sake of maintaining love, for the sake of maintaining existing relationships. They do not want to be convicted of something, because then they will be tormented by a sense of guilt and tormented by remorse. Such people do not represent real danger, do not carry evil in themselves. It often happens that, having met a person with whom they are calm and safe, they begin to speak only the truth. Some people, faced with the fact of deceit, are ready to take risks. They are full of hope that the person who feels their mercy and love will repent and reform.

We don't encourage everyone to keep going on dates with this type of person. But sometimes the consequences can be quite favorable. There are no strict norms and rules. However, we believe that dating lovers is not Correctional Facility. Correction and re-education of a person should take place in a conversation with a counselor, in self-analysis, in work with a mentor, etc. Dates exist in order to find out to whom your soul lies. The relationship of lovers can become quite serious and subsequently sealed by marriage. The situation when one of the two constantly lies, even out of fear, is unacceptable for marriage. Trembling with fear, the lying spouse is a real threat family well-being. Lies are inherently destructive, no matter what the reasons are. In general, it is best to stay away from liars, no matter what lies at the basis of their lies.
We are deeply convinced that you should give your time and soul only to honest and sincere people. From our point of view, contacting a person capable of deceit is too risky. If he reformed and came to you with repentance, that's one thing. But do not think that you will become the only one who will be able to change a person whose norm of life has long been an exculpatory lie. Some cheat by accident and immediately admit it. If, after such an incident, a person has not lied for a long time, then it will probably be possible to trust him. And yet, a loved one who can deceive you will create a lot of problems for you. Whatever decision you make - stay with this person or break up - do not continue any relationship with him until the issue of his tendency to lie is finally resolved and until you are completely sure that this is a thing of the past. Remember the words of that wise instructor: do not solve any other relationship problems until you are done with the lie.

The second type of liar is not a match for you under any circumstances. Immediately “wave your hand at him” in order to save yourself from severe mental pain in the future. Chronic cheaters are not suitable for any relationship, no matter how much you are in love with them. Run away from them without looking back. Truthfulness is the most important border

Truthfulness is the foundation on which almost everything that exists in our lives rests. When the question of lying comes up, you must take an uncompromising stand. There should be no place for deceit in your life. King David's stern stance on lies is this: "He who does deceit shall not dwell in my house; he who speaks a lie shall not remain before my eyes" (Psalm 100:7).
This is clear, frank and to the point. You can't be tolerant of lies. However, it does not mean at all that if you were once deceived or you were once lied to, then you should immediately break off all relations with this person. This is especially true in cases where your young man or your girlfriend does not quite accurately express his tastes and preferences, cannot clearly and unambiguously characterize his desires. I think every person is constantly growing in his ability to be direct and open, in the ability not to hide his true feelings and deep soul feelings. People are always in the process of growth. And it is the relationship of lovers that turns out to be a huge incentive in this process. None of us is perfect, none of us has such firmness and steadfastness to "do without a fig leaf."

But if lies have crept into your relationship, if deceit has settled in them, then you should not put up with this. If your friend hides his true feelings, thoughts, views, demand complete clarity and openness from him. Don't let your loved one hide. Always follow the rule: "I will only date someone who will honestly tell me everything he feels and thinks." Of course, lying about your feelings and thoughts is not direct cause rupture of relations between loving people. But this is a very good indicator of where a serious lie begins. If it becomes a habit, then your love will fail.

However, there are aspects human life where lying is much more dangerous. If a person close to you plays a double game, if with his deceit he brings you into serious matters if it is in the state chemical addiction and hides it, if he does not fulfill his promises, then do not take a single step in life next to him. You should exercise extra caution and have a very good reason to continue with such a person. In most cases, such lies indicate serious characterological deviations from the norm. It is almost impossible to change such a person, but close communication with him causes tremendous mental pain to others. I don't think you want to be one of them.

If a person has undergone a process of deep spiritual transformation, if he has repented, changed and began to live in a new way, then you can think about believing him again. But only if these changes last quite a long time. However, remember once and for all: deceit is one of the most dangerous qualities of a human character. You must have very good reason believe that a person can change. Otherwise, you are in for a lot of trouble. You have to fight back against liars. You cannot have a close relationship with a person who is deceiving you.

If you are being lied to, then you should:

1. Don't pretend you don't notice anything.
2. Listen to the explanation and determine the degree of responsibility,
   assumed by the liar, as well as the sincerity of his regret.
3. Try to understand in what conditions the sounded lie puts you
   and your relationship. If a person is afraid, if he feels guilty, if he is afraid of the prospect of losing your love, then work on these aspects. In the course of work, try to establish whether his character will change if he feels more secure. But be extra careful when doing so.
4. Determine the degree of repentance and the changes that have taken place: how seriously a person has become to profess holiness and purity; how strong is his intrinsic motivation to change for the better.
5. Answer such a question; "Is it worth it to meet a person if he wants to change?" He must prove his resolve. One "sorry" is absolutely not enough.
6. Try to establish the type of lie itself. Did a person lie in self-defense, or is a lie the basis of his essence? If this is the latter, then it’s better to face the truth honestly: you are next to a person who loves himself more than anything in the world and who nothing can change. If lying is self-defense, then think carefully about whether to continue the relationship with this person. They should be continued only if there is a very good reason.

Everyone gets what they deserve

And finally, remember the following: if you do not want to go through life hand in hand with a liar, be honest yourself always and in everything. First of all, with yourself. Living for a long time next to a liar means deceiving oneself to some extent. If you do this, it means that you are no longer honest with yourself, you are trying to hide from yourself that a person close to you has character traits that do not suit you. Don't lie to yourself.

As Jesus said, "First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see how to take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5). Stop lying. Be honest and sincere in everything. This does not mean that you should immediately talk about everything that is on your mind. You are not required to communicate your feelings and intentions on the first date. Do not openly show your resentment for every trifle. The one who behaves In a similar way just pushes people away.

But this means that in serious matters you should not lie. Especially if you have already invested part of your soul in a relationship with another person. You cannot deceive him. You have to tell the whole truth. If you can't be direct and honest, you'll lose the company of someone who won't tolerate insincerity in your relationship, no matter what it is. With your lies, you will attract only someone who is not averse to lying himself. And then you're already in trouble. Become a person of light. Then only people of light will be drawn to you, and people of darkness will not withstand the impact of the truth you express. This will be your best defense. Here is what Jesus Christ said about this: “The judgment consists in this, that light has come into the world; but people loved darkness more than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the light and does not go to light, so that his works will not be revealed, because they are evil; but he who does what is right comes to the light, that his works may be manifest, because they are done in God" (John 3:19-21).

If you fair man, then it is likely that an honest and sincere person will also be next to you. If you deceive yourself and others, then most likely you are destined to live next to a deceiver. Become the light - and you will attract only light to you. This is the most best border of all possible.

conclusions

• Honesty is the cornerstone of all relationships, including
  relationship between a boy and a girl. Consider the appearance of deceit between you as a warning sign. He indicates that it is time to "slam on the brakes".
• never mislead anyone. This is nothing but deception.
• Let your loved one know about your intentions in a timely manner. Directness must be timely. Don't pretend to be content with being a friend when you have other things in mind. It kills friendship.
• If your former relationship, then no one should be deceived in this regard. This will destroy your credibility.
• One of the main manifestations of sincerity is the ability to be yourself.
  yourself. This includes being able to be direct and open about what you like and don't like, what offends you and what causes you anxiety. Faced with deception, do not try to close your eyes to it.

Make sure your loved one has been cleansed of this sin and has shown spiritual growth. If this does not happen, you doom yourself to endless mental pain. A fundamental principle of all human relationships: honesty always attracts honesty. The more honest you are, the more likely you are to meet a truthful person.

Sometimes a woman, listening to her mother's advice, begins insure in matters of joint real estate.

Good and profitable. Often a woman does this on the advice of her mother, they say, who knows how your relationship will develop.

Do you feel like a relationship is being built from the start? FALSE and FALSE. Many people think that we are deceiving with the help of words, that if this is not explained and said to the husband, then he will not understand. He may not understand, only intuitively he will feel that you are playing against him and not on his field, and that you are preparing departure routes in advance.

Why are we so reverent about percentages, thousands, and allow us to treat our relationships with such reverence? After all, by doing this, we plant a time bomb called "Divorce". Do not start a relationship with such lies. And it is better to consult with your husband, and not with your mother. Now your main adviser is your husband, any man appreciates such devotion.

You need to be very careful with the help of your parents. I repeat once again, it is no coincidence that everything material after the wedding passed to the husband, he owned it, he became the owner. The woman did not have any siding to escape initially.

The next common type of lying in a relationship is when a woman runs to work, disappears there from morning to evening, and tells the man about self-realization, about what will go crazy if she is a housewife. (This applies to those cases when the husband expresses dissatisfaction with your workload, offers to leave work). A man, as it were, takes your word for it, but does not believe in principle. But a woman runs to work driven by fear. Everything and everything to control, not to lose sight of life, otherwise you will trust him, and he will leave, leave, die, and where will I go? The woman saves the escape routes, she does not trust the man. The fear of a child drives her. I know what I'm writing about, so objections are not accepted. Be sure to write a separate article about this, so as not to miss subscribe to the newsletter.

A woman who is unable to start trusting her man will never open a door called "Femininity". Never. Opening a little and a little doesn't count. It's like an egg, which is a little egg, but as a danger, it immediately turns into a sperm. Think for yourself. Is it possible? And why in life we ​​put this experiment?

Very often the deceit begins where the woman starts saving her money.“Your” money is “ours”, and mine is mine. And my mother taught me that it is better to postpone them. May I ask a question? If you've ever done this, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS MAN NEXT?

Money is a very strong and powerful energy. Money is directly related to life and survival. “Money is life. Without money in our society no one can survive. Money allows us to live." Bert Hellinger. And the best test in a relationship is money. Do we hide, hide them, hide them.

A woman who saves money has a strong subconscious desire to protect herself, she does not trust her partner. Therefore, she saves in case she is left alone, on her independent life. The only question is how soon this will happen.

A woman who defends herself from all fronts will never open the door called "FEMININENESS". Femininity is defenselessness(not to be confused with helplessness).

I can already hear the indignation of some women: - Lord, what else have you come up with!

As one woman wrote in the comments: “Support the man and put him in the first place, but when will you live?”. Yes, this is our most hard work rather than office work. Office work is the easiest thing a woman can do. We know how to plow, sow and extinguish huts, but it is incredibly difficult to be soft, defenseless, feminine.

Very often we are deceived, not knowing and not understanding the motives. For example, a man leaves for another city, another country to work, his wife either follows him, or ...

But if you don't go to a man if you have a lot of reasons (the child doesn’t want to, I have a job, you can’t leave, etc.), then this is also a hoax. As a couple, you broke up. And if you did not go after him, then you "parted" long before his departure. Sometimes it's hard to admit it. But if a man and a woman do not live in the same apartment and do not sleep in the same bed for a month, two, three, then in fact they broke up, even if they have not yet divorced.

Guest marriage is also a deception or self-deception. And the one who offers this type of relationship is deceiving. He hasn't made his final choice yet.

The use of a man. What could be worse? This is when a woman marries a man for some benefit, not always material, but in her heart she does not choose him. It will not work to endure a man forever for the sake of profit, once a woman, having grown stronger and received what she got married for, will want to leave the relationship. It's so easy and simple: - yesterday I needed you, but today I don't. At the “exit”, as a rule, a check for payment is waiting.

A man is such a deceit, he just doesn’t forgive and “beats” very painfully. How many stories today about how men take away children and leave women with nothing. These are stories about "used" men. A man will never just torture a woman and separate her from her children. Only him strong pain and resentment will make you do it. Men take revenge. That's the way they are. I do not presume to judge how good or bad it is.

At the end I will give examples, as I call "harmless" deception. Why harmless, because it seems to us that by deceiving, we save relationships, save our husband's nerves, etc.

It can be purchase prices, sometimes we underestimate them, sometimes we overestimate them, depending on what we want to get.

Or at the beginning of a relationship we want to impress against a young man and pretend to be someone we are not. Don't be afraid to be yourself, don't be afraid to state your principles and outline your boundaries. Don't forget your dignity. , which caused an incredible response on the network. So the question is sore. For example, if you do not smoke or drink, you should not do this just to avoid looking like a notorious black sheep. Be yourself and don't mislead anyone.

Sometimes in intimate relationship deceit penetrates, a woman can portray pleasure at a time when she does not receive it. Fortunately, today there is where to look and learn.

Perhaps I missed some more examples, if there are any, you will definitely see them in your relationship.

Dear women, we communicate in a couple not only at the level of words, more often we communicate at the level of the soul, and the soul always knows who is telling the truth and who is lying. Honesty, sincerity, trust and- this is the foundation without which any human relationship is not possible, and even more so in a pair.

Remember that you are adult woman and don't be afraid to communicate, talk to your man, don't be afraid frankness. You chose this person yourself. Be natural, open in your desires and states. Love is, first of all, an atmosphere of trust.

“If a man feels that a woman is always with him, he has great power; he can take on anything. As soon as he feels that the woman is not with him, his energy dries up. Now he has only dreams, but they are powerless - they no longer have energy, they cannot be realized. A man creates a dream. A woman gives impetus to the realization of a dream. Osho.

If this article was helpful to you, please leave a comment below.

Tatyana Dzutseva

In contact with

We are taught from childhood: everything secret will be revealed sooner or later. We grow up - and with us our secrets become more serious. “I don’t know how it happened, but I cheated on my wife.” “I hide half of my salary from my husband because I’m not sure of him or my tomorrow". “I can’t stand my girlfriend’s cooking, but I will never tell her about it ...” Harmless and dangerous, secrets over the years become part of the foundation of relationships between partners - and slowly destroy it.

When you think you are deceiving others, you are only deceiving yourself.
Osho (Bhagwan Shri Rajneesh)

I don’t want to, but I do it ... but is it necessary?

Imagine the situation: your husband has decided to go in for sports and asks you to accompany him on bike rides. You have not ridden a bicycle since childhood, you are not friends with sports, but free time better spent reading a book.

However, you want to support your spouse, you are afraid to seem like a homebody or a bore to him - and therefore desperately pedal, dreaming that this torture will end as soon as possible ... But the missus cannot read thoughts and does not see your face distorted by flour: he has pulled ahead and has already planned a long bike ride next weekend. Of course, together with the woman you love, that is, with you.

The longer you keep the “legend” of the cycling fan going, the more your spouse’s enthusiasm will irritate you.

And since you don’t want to admit to your deceit, the negative, multiplied by another active exercise, sooner or later will still break out. Most likely, you will quarrel over the first little thing that comes up.

Scandals out of the blue will be repeated until you have to be silent about your desires, and the distance between you begins to grow: your spouse will quickly get tired of your temper and inconsistency. So a Sunday bike ride can become deep crack in a relationship.

Conclusion:

Finally, in a couple where moderate frankness reigns, usually less problems: they are discussed before they become real threat for relationships.

Psychologists believe that it depends on how much the unspoken secret can affect your relationship in the future.

According to statistics, more than half of the spouses have cheated on their partners at least once. But there are those for whom this connection remained accidental, and the value increased many times after the betrayal. In a situation where you are sure that your act is a mistake that will forever remain in the past, psychologists advise you to spare your spouse's feelings and keep silent. The truth in this case can become a destructive force.

If you understand that betrayal or other serious lies have changed you, our attitude towards the chosen one will resonate more than once in the future, do not rely on chance. Let your partner know your version of events and understand that you regret what you did, but chose to be honest.

How to respond to the truth?

Another tricky question. Psychologists advise not to rush, and give yourself time to comprehend the "news". No woman will be happy if she hears from her husband that he cannot stand her girlfriends or does not want to have children. But it is important to understand: most likely, it was difficult for a man to decide on frankness: he seems to be jumping from a height without insurance in the hope that everything will turn out well. That is, you will accept his truth, understand and forgive. So whatever you hear, give credit to his courage.

However, it is important not to ignore your feelings. Relationships are dialogue. And as long as it is maintained, people have a chance to remain happy. But if you've been dreaming all your life big family, and your partner has firmly decided that children are not included in his plans for the next ten years, do not have illusions that he will reconsider his views, and do not answer him with a lie that you share his position.

It is foolish to believe that love for another person can change what you consider terms harmonious life. Even if right now you think that you are ready to forgive betrayal or quit your job for the sake of someone else's dream, one day your character, driven deep desires and suppressed ego will break free, sweeping away everything that you managed to build with your partner.

But even if you are not always ready to speak frankly with loved ones, remember the main rule strong relationship: In any situation, be honest with yourself.

Stories about what a relationship that began with deceit leads to are not uncommon, not only for women's novels “about big and beautiful love". The main character of the novel, as a rule, for her own reasons, goes to deceit, and what does the relationship that has begun lead to? great love- known in advance. Of course, having learned the truth, he will consider her a traitor for a long time, and she will make excuses. And having won the trust of the protagonist by her actions, she will be able to enjoy great feeling and create a strong family ...

But in life, not all plots follow this typical line. female romance. A lot depends on the characters of both - the girl in love and deceiving and the deceived man. And even more - from the random elements of this mosaic. We sometimes do not think about them and do not notice their influence, but this, as in the laws of physics, does not cancel their action.

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Photo gallery: What are the consequences of a relationship that began with deceit

Fraud for...

Benefits

Who wants to be interesting not in itself, but only because of some benefits? Of course, no one! Therefore, what the relationship that began with deception on this basis leads to is understandable. As soon as the deceiver (or deceiver) reveals their insidious plans, get new job, a more prestigious position or will be asked to rewrite the apartment in their name, the partner will probably think about it. We all do not want to be used and as soon as possible break off relationships tied to self-interest.

On the other hand, no one excludes a mutually beneficial partnership. In this case, there is not only a giver and a receiver. Everyone benefits from cooperation or mutual exchange. Even in a marriage of convenience, there is not only one (or occasionally one) who is financially profitable, but also a second partner who sees benefit and pleasure, care or something else in these relationships.

Therefore, before building castles in the sand (“I’ll marry a millionaire!”), You should think carefully about what you, in fact, can offer him. After all, we all remember what relationships that begin with deceit lead to, and we ourselves try to avoid the possibility of being deceived.

Deception for ethical reasons

This includes relatively small lies about where the dearest and adored was, with whom she communicated, and more serious. When a relationship is just beginning, each of the partners tries to look better than he is. Of course, "Twitter" about how much we like to cook or scrub the floors, that we are not yet ready for the "doubtful happiness of motherhood" is useful. A man, having relaxed and calmed down on this score, can call for marriage!

But you can lie without consequences only when you are sure for sure - a small “kick” is enough, and the partner will reconsider his views. For example, he will think about marriage, children, accept your (different from his beliefs) faith or the presence of a sick aunt in your care. And if you are betting that a man who has fallen in love without looking back will help with work, study, maintenance of elderly relatives or raising children from his first marriage, restrain yourself. It’s better to present everything to him as it is, or even a little worse. “Embellishing”, you can easily “play out”, hitting the sensitive strings of the soul or repeating some unpleasant situation.

If your chosen one has already been married, knows firsthand what children are and how much effort they require, then it’s easier to immediately “confess” than to hide and hide the truth. After all, relationships that began with deceit are fraught with a “wormhole” from the very beginning, and what secrecy or promises that you cannot give leads to is immediately clear.

When is cheating useful?

To begin with a deceitful relationship is, of course, bad. But there are several areas of life in which it is not only not harmful, but even useful to deceive a future partner, a man with whom you meet or communicate.

First, it's sex. Even the most tolerant men cannot stand it when they are easily told (and even worse - in detail) about previous husbands, lovers, random connections. The position of the woman in this case is clear: even if she is well over thirty, there were only a few men. The fingers of one hand are enough, and with a margin to count them! And, of course, the relationship was long and serious, but ... And then it’s better to stop and feel sad so that you don’t have to tell the details.

Further - passion. Not a single man in his right mind will "covet" a frigid lady. Therefore, even if you visit a psychotherapist or are honestly very calm about sex, it’s easier to play on “less is better”, with an indispensable promise (hints) of something enchanting and breathtaking.

And, of course, the future mother-in-law. According to it, our future husbands and boyfriend candidates evaluate our chances. But if it is quite possible to turn into a cook or a cleaner, a model or a ballerina, then it will not work to change your mother. Therefore, "feed" him the information that your mother is wonderful, that's just more caring than you would like. In this case, you will not lie, and you will not frighten the gentleman.

What is better to say in advance than to extricate yourself from an ugly situation later?

About children,

ex-husband

sick or needy relatives,

Own serious illnesses,

religion,

Plans for life (who are men for you - the meaning of life, associates or temporary hobbies).

What can you lie about more or less painlessly, but wisely?

That

You recently broke up, but have not yet "licked your wounds",

You need help, and you expect relationships to solve problems,

You meet with several men in parallel and have not yet decided on the chosen one,

Going to business meeting with a man (on this account, many boyfriends have their own, sometimes inexhaustible fantasies),

Have you been sick recently? venereal disease but already cured

Do you have temporary health problems?

You have nowhere to live, and you plan to move in with him.

And finally

If you are already deceiving a man, then remember not only what the relationship that began with deception leads to, but also that you can also become a victim. Alphonse and just lovers to solve some of the problems at someone else's expense are on the alert, so keep your eyes open!