Insecure man in a relationship. How to deal with an indecisive man

If you find that your chosen one is very indecisive, the first thing you should do is be patient. No need to be angry with him, put pressure on him, force things - all this can make a man disappear altogether or scare him so that he will no longer approach you. But at the same time, you should not be too soft and supple, expecting the first step from him yourself. Select golden mean and proceed calmly and carefully.

Try to increase the man's self-esteem. It is important to do this unobtrusively and without unnecessary flattery. It makes sense to ask him for a service that he can definitely provide, and admire the level of his knowledge and skill. Find out what a man can do best and take advantage of it. Let him feel skillful, strong, needed. When developing a relationship, do not forget to warm up the man’s interest in you and maintain his self-esteem.

IN last resort When time or patience is running out, you can put a person in front of an urgent choice and thereby force him to act quickly and decisively. For example, a woman who wants to achieve recognition can secretly say that she has been offered a job in another city and, if nothing holds her back, in a few days she will leave for good.

An indecisive man: steps to get closer to him

Show your chosen one that you are interested in him, show your sympathy. But remember that, unfortunately, indecisive men are very bad at understanding hints and often dismiss them, because they are afraid that in fact they are only being played with. Communicate in a friendly and welcoming manner, show special interest, but do not push too hard. Gradually, a man will be convinced that for you more than other people.

Try to flirt a little. Light coquetry, touches at the level of friendly touches, words spoken in a whisper in the ear, a direct eye-to-eye enticing look - these are all standard tricks that men tend to interpret automatically. There is no need to seem accessible to him - just gently show that he can behave and move on to more close communication.

If the opportunity presents itself to start a natural heart-to-heart conversation, do it. Share your feelings and doubts, trust - let the man see how vulnerable you are, let him understand that you may need protection and care. This will help him open up in response and even encourage him to want to take you under his wing.

Many modern men are characterized by strong indecision, both in relationships and in other areas of life. Moreover, a man can be very kind, gentle and attentive, but constant indecision even in small matters begins to piss off over time. Especially if the woman herself is distinguished by opposite character traits and takes any indecision and passivity for weakness. Does it make sense to continue a relationship with indecisive man where does this indecision come from and how to help a person become more confident and active?

Our society has developed an unshakable stereotype of purely male behavior: self-confidence, strength, activity, the ability to take responsibility for one's life and family. Any deviation from this stereotype instantly becomes a terrifying flaw. But the fact is that few men are able to live up to this stereotype. Most of the male representatives were brought up by authoritarian, overprotective mothers who did not give a child a step without their knowledge. As a result, we have what we have - a man who is afraid of everything, does not dare to do anything, lives life passively, and is looking for a second mother in a woman.

There are many reasons for male indecision:

Fear of change. Yes, and not necessarily fear - just dislike for a change of life, undeveloped adaptive abilities of the psyche, etc. Man is accustomed to Life is going on a knurled track, and any changes are regarded as a disaster of a local scale. Such a man will not change his job to a higher paying position because of his unwillingness to rejoin new team, change the route and get used to new duties. In principle, conservatism is a good trait in the sense that a man with such a mindset is unlikely to want to part with a girl or divorce his wife for the sake of someone else - laziness. Basically, it's not the best worst case. With a share of perseverance and female wisdom subject to correction.

Pessimism, anxiety. A man cannot decide on an act for the simple reason that behind every new turn he sees enemies, a threat to self-esteem, troubles and difficulties. Man is so busy "winding" himself bad thoughts who is unable to get down to business. Here, first of all, you need to raise self-esteem, show that there is nothing wrong with failures, help at first (although this is difficult - you can go crazy yourself from a man’s pessimism).

The habit of delaying with an important decision. A man constantly puts off decisions and actions, believing that tomorrow / the day after tomorrow / in a year the matter will be decided by itself. Or over time, the question will lose relevance. The execution of the slightest deed is stretched out for an indefinite period, not to mention serious actions. Dealing with this bad habit is not easy.

Fear of making a mistake. Sometimes characterizes an inveterate perfectionist. A man strives to do everything perfectly and only in those areas where he will definitely win. Terribly afraid of everything new, does not want to take risks in vain. Failure for such a person is a loss of self-respect and the meaning of life.

Melancholy or phlegmatic type of temperament.
Great care in life.

As they say - everything comes from childhood. If a man in childhood did not learn to win and lose with dignity, make independent decisions and take responsibility for them, set goals and achieve them without someone else's help - in adulthood learning all these things will be much more difficult.

A young man may not give the impression of a passive loser in life, but when close fellowship All negative qualities personalities flourish. Finding an indecisive person is easy:

He constantly complains about others, downplaying his role in situations. Everyone is to blame for all his failures except himself. He instantly finds the guilty, but he does nothing to change the situation for the better.

He is lost in a situation of choice, cannot make a decision. Moreover, this is manifested even in small things: what movie to watch, where to go or go for the weekend. A man shifts the solution of problems and choice to other people's shoulders.

He becomes depressed and nervous in front of any important event. Change job, place of residence, agree with someone on important issue- all this knocks the ground out from under the feet of an indecisive man.

How to help a man deal with indecision

The first step is to determine the root cause of the problem. Such men lacked approval in childhood, do not know their abilities, do not have experience of life victories on which they could rely in difficult situations. We warn you right away - if you do not love this man and do not want to waste your time, nerves and mental strength to raise someone else's self-esteem - leave. Re-education of an indecisive representative of the stronger sex is difficult, and sometimes impossible due to the nature of the character.

In the presence of strong feelings If you want to help, you can do the following:

To help a man realize the reasons for his insecurity and indecision.

Praise the man more often. The main thing is that he himself must learn to approve his actions, they are not afraid of difficulties.

Put a man in a situation where he is required active actions. Your task is to show femininity and weakness where it is needed. If you do everything yourself - then why should a man get up from the couch? Show your loved one that you can't do it without his help.

A man must want to change himself. Perhaps he is absolutely satisfied with everything, are you demanding some impossible feats from him?

Phlegmatic people by temperament, for example, do not at all strive to the fore, they know how to be content with little. But if he himself is not satisfied with the state of affairs - this is a completely different matter.

You want to follow him like a stone wall. But what if, in fact, the legendary wall turns out to be pressed cardboard?

So conceived by nature millions of years ago: a strong partner is needed to create a family and offspring. Therefore, you are quite justifiably afraid for your future.

For harmonious relations it is necessary that a man be responsible, courageous, strong and achieve his goals.

Yes, at the beginning of a relationship, a man seems to be at least a demigod. And you melt from new sensations and compliments faster than ice in his whiskey.

And the flaws seem so insignificant that they are not able to spoil anything. And while he looks after beautifully, what's the point of noticing something?

As a result, character traits and demeanor gradually become visible, which you can no longer hide with courtship.

He often fantasizes, is lazy, promises a lot, but does little - it is quite possible that he has something from. Over such Darwin would cry.

Therefore, even at the beginning of the relationship, I advise you to take a closer look. So that later you do not have a reason to shed tears.

One hundred for courage

The foundation of low self-esteem, fear of failure and reluctance to cope with difficulties is laid in childhood. a man is fully equipped with an internal imbalance, if any.

To give false confidence in himself, he often resorts to alcohol, games, even drugs. As an option, it changes women like broken toothpicks.

If you met a man who insults, humiliates or “plays” with you - know that he heals his sick ego at the expense of you.

Are you confident? Yes, that's what my mother told me.

Infantiles - special type complexed men. Initially, they are looking for mothers, hostesses or women with a good income. sissy shift the responsibility to a woman: life, or decision-making.

At the same time, everyone is to blame for their failures - the former, the government, bad weather. By the way, ask about his past relationships. You will hear how he was betrayed or not loved and respected enough.

A worthy man will never water ex woman dirt. Due to this, only men with low self-esteem assert themselves.

Even if the candy-bouquet begins as a fairy tale, they will also mentally (and God forbid physically!) lower their woman over time. As if by chance or "with the best of intentions."

Either she dressed wrong, then her hair doesn’t fit, then she’s not smart enough, ... Think carefully, maybe the problem is not in you at all?

Grandma's tales

To hide the uncertainty, he will talk about his grandiose plans. How he looked after an apartment in the center and is going to buy (but he doesn’t say that it’s already the 10th year).

That he plans to move to Rome (since his youth he dreamed, but something interfered), or he will open a big business (but his time has not yet come, therefore from 9 to 6 they are quite satisfied).

Conversations and fantasies add status to him. And not only in the eyes of others, but also in their own. Oh, how he would like to be like that, but alas ...

You will recognize him from a thousand, raise pink glasses and assess the situation soberly. Insecure man:

1. Listens to someone else's opinion

Yesterday everything was okay, but today he finds fault with your undercooked cutlets - be sure, because Aunt Sveta said so and she knows better.

And it doesn’t matter whose opinion is a priority for him - mom, brother or friends. He is dependent and weak. Unable to make decisions independently. This also affects . He does not govern, but them.

2. Does not take responsibility

The level of responsibility speaks of his maturity, again - of self-confidence. If a man is afraid of difficulties, he will not be responsible for business, finances and a woman.

3. Jealous

He secretly, in the most secluded corner of his soul, underestimates himself as a man. And if a woman still compares him with some Max on a Porsche or Borey with big biceps, this tears his roof.

There will be interrogations with a confession. Another sign is the discussion of other men with an element of humiliation.

From the series: “Just think about it, I bought an apartment ... If I had such parents, I wouldn’t sit without an apartment either. The area is creepy! And in general, there was once a morgue on this place!

4. Loves too much

Attention, care and diminutives can also be strangled.

At the first stages of a relationship, maybe someone likes it - 1000 and 1 SMS a day “how are you”, “how do you feel”, “how are you feeling”. But very soon it will start to strain any self-sufficient woman.

Obsessive calls, overprotection - this is an active window dressing, how good he is. You will be surprised, but such a “love” often hides a deceitful nature.

We don't have time for this! He prioritizes and definitely not in favor of lifelong correspondence.

5. Shows off

And an insecure man promises mountains of gold, a hand and a heart. He just wants to hook a woman as soon as possible. Until you realized that he was a rogue and a windbag.

A worthy man does not trumpet in all directions how wealthy he is. He doesn't talk, he does.

Is it possible to make an insecure man strong?

One option is yes. If he is ready to change, not at your suggestion, but on his own, looking at himself from the outside. If he is zero by nature without a wand and he likes it, you will only be tormented.

It's like carrying water in a pool with a sieve. I just want to say: “Darling, there are seas and oceans around you. Why are you fooling yourself?"

Decent man man. Write in the comments if you tried to change your man and what came of it.

You won't put it in someone else's head smart thoughts. He has been cultivating this in his brain for years!

Do you notice such traits in your man? Then remember 3 things:

• do not pity him;
• do not let yourself be humiliated;
• don't help financially.

If you like drama and you can practice the game of "who wins." But most likely you are just wasting your time.

Many girls fight windmills like Don Quixote. Instead of a spear, they take love, motivation, become a personal coach or psychologist. But as a result, they turn into a woman “see how I can myself”, mommy.

When he was small

Low self-esteem and self-doubt are buried deep in childhood. To dig or not to dig - the choice is yours. But if you are tired of living in a suspended, in constant uncertainty - remember that you yourself choose your men.

Believe me, there are hundreds normal men- strong, generous, caring and attentive. You can pull one too!

If initially worthy, there will be no point in wasting time to convict him of insecurity.

I believe in you,
Yaroslav Samoilov.

So many epithets given to them - strong of the world of this, but even among them there are those who somewhat do not correspond to the proud "name". How to understand that you have an insecure man in front of you and is it worth trying to re-educate him?

Let's start from the end

Whatever your companion is, do not try to act as a mommy or a nanny. Before you is an adult, with an established character and has long been "tamed cockroaches." Why try to change it, adjust it for yourself and break the system in which it is simply convenient for a person to live?

Believe me, there is a couple for everyone who will accept him with all the fears, fears, inability to stand up for himself and other features that are atypical for a man.

If communication with this type of men is a priori unacceptable for you, then try to recognize them on early stages communication, and safely complete it, without causing discomfort not to yourself, not to him.

The character of an insecure man

1. He differs from his “compatriots” in appearance: he is, more often, a nondescript guy, with a very modest appearance, thin (or vice versa, overly obese).

He is not dressed fashionably, more often and not at all according to the figure. All in all, it looks pretty bad. Although there are exceptions to every rule, appearance this is not the most accurate indicator.

2. Such men have real problems in terms of oratory.

Most often, they are completely unsuited to dialogue: not verbally, not in writing. At the moment when they want to express their thoughts, clothe them in beautiful words, only banalities come to mind - which are issued that hour.

Again: this point also does not exclude the presence of self-doubt in the guys with a perfectly suspended tongue. Sometimes it is the uncertainty that men try to compensate for with talkativeness and mock fun.

3. These men do not like to take responsibility for themselves, it is difficult for them to take elementary steps that fall on male shoulders when they try to charm a lady.

Everything will be given with difficulty: both the acquaintance itself and the development of relationships. Insecure men are more likely to wait for initiative from a woman.

4. Most likely, he will lie to you from the very first minutes of communication.

In order to present himself in a favorable light, he will have to somewhat distort the facts about himself, in better side as it seems to him.

5. From a man who suffers from insecurity, you may never hear the most important words.

And with hints of romance and other tenderness, he will blush like a boy. Self-doubt is a problem immature personality in an adult physically male.

The origins of maleuncertainty

Self-doubt creates many problems in personal relationships, in a career. Finally, in harmony with yourself. And it is necessary to change the situation radically, however, knowing the reason, it is easier to find a way out of the situation. We talked with a psychologist, a Gestalt therapist, a training leader and therapy groups, Gritsyshina Alevtina Vladimirovna and figured outreasons for male insecurity, how not to “shut up” a man and why it is important for a woman to be weak.

- Tell us, please, what is the manifestation of male insecurity?

Very often, male insecurity manifests itself in the form of infantilism, laziness. The man is not very active, does not believe in himself, he is afraid to start something new. He believes that the good position, own business, career advancement requires overcoming too many obstacles.

The man is sure that everything good places are already busy and nothing good will come of it. Such men are afraid to compete with other men.

Insecure men are afraid of women, especially beautiful women. And baseuncertainty here is fear. Fear of being rejected, fear that the partner will see flaws, shame. This is manifested in the fact that a man is afraid to approach a woman. And if he does, then he is more concerned about how he looks, what he says - in this regard, he is fixated on himself.

- How does male insecurity manifest itself in family life?

Usually, next to an insecure man, an active and self-confident woman.Opposites attract. The wife, as a rule, often complains about such a man - The husband lies on the couch doing nothing. And a man is just scared to start something. Therefore, it is very important for a man how his mother raised him and what kind of woman is next to him.

A woman knows how to psychologically “castrate” a man. That is, to compete with him, to compete in the male sphere, to show how strong, active, successful she is. As a result, she achieves her goal, proves to the man how independent she is. But as a result, next to her she sees a man who, as it were, "gives in", says, OK, since you're so strong, please steer. And he goes underground.

- What are the reasons for men's self-doubt?

In almost one hundred percent of cases, self-doubt comes from the family. It depends on how the parents raised the child. It is very important for both mom and dad to properly educate the boy - the mother should educate him in one way, the father in another. But between parents, there should still be consistency in upbringing, an agreement.

How to raise an insecure child?

You have to compare him to other kids. At any age, but especially at the age of 3-5 years. For example, say - look, Vasya already knows how, but you still can't.

Also, if the father drinks in the family, the mother drags everything on herself and swears at him. After all, a father is always an example for a boy, he assimilates his father's figure. And if the father is drunk, unsuccessful, insecure, then there are a lot of chances that the son will be the same.

It is very important that the family has a strong authoritative male figure. Even if a mother raises a child without a father, it is important that there is some kind of male figure in her environment - a grandfather, uncle, a good friend or relative who would take on the functions of a father, so that the boy sees strength, authority, and knows why pursuit.

A child absorbs everything like a sponge, and if he is surrounded by not very successful, insecure men, he learns such a model.

How should a father raise a child?

The father must show that he is the protector of the family, respects the mother, is a support in the family, earns money. And when the son sees it, he strives for it, he will be the same. But if the father constantly belittles the dignity of his son, says that he is a loser, the child has thoughts “I am bad.” And all this makes the child unsure of himself, he has nothing to rely on in this life.

- It is believed that insecurity and jealousy always go together. Is it so?

Here you need to determine what kind of jealousy and how pronounced it is. A healthy situation is when a man is a little jealous of his woman. On the contrary, when he is not jealous at all, it is already strange. A man is an owner, and if he loves a woman, and someone shows signs of attention to his woman, this hurts his manhood.

Another thing is whether he "inflates an elephant out of a fly" or can somehow cope with his jealousy. A self-confident man will not make a fuss, he knows that he is better than any other man, that he has no competitors.

Frequent scandals due to jealousy, if a man is jealous of a woman for every pillar - this indicates self-doubt. He is afraid, he is afraid to face unpleasant sensations that his wife would leave him. He is afraid of competition, that a woman saw that some man is better, sexier, stronger, richer.

Then the jealous man is faced with his shortcomings, with which he real life prefers not to collide. When his wife was late at work, he immediately fantasizes that he is cheating.

Jealousy - this is a sign of not only self-doubt, but also a lack of trust in the family. In addition, jealousy often suggests that a man himself can change. He knows that he is cheating, and he is afraid that his wife will also do the same. He suspects his wife of cheating, and at the same time he is also very unsure of himself.

One form of self-doubt is when a man needs to conquer a lot of women in order to understand that he is cool. The love of one woman is not enough for him. But a large number of partner does not solve the problem, and the man does not become more self-confident. Yes, he knows he can conquer anyone if he wants to. He starts earning a lot. But, as a rule, all these are children's complexes from the family.

If there was not enough support in the family, the boy has a desire to achieve great success in the future to be loved. Especially when parents say - You must study well, then ... As a child understands this - he got a deuce at school - his parents don’t talk to him, but he got a five - he’s done well. It is fixed in him that if he did what is expected of him, then he will be loved. And this thought runs like a red line through his whole life.

How does position affect self-confidence? active, confident woman in modern world?

About 50-70 years ago the world went crazy, fashion changed. Throughout the millennia, a man has been a warrior, a breadwinner, a careerist, and a woman has been taking care of the house, comfort in it.Now everything has changed.press, internet,television broadcast the image of an active, successful woman, she has an education, she is successful in business.

It is difficult for a woman, having achieved success, to respect a man the same as she is in socially. She is always looking for a stronger male, and this is inherent in nature. When women are strong themselves, it is more difficult for them to see the men around them as strong. And the woman begins to “finish off” the man morally.

Such a moment is very important - various wars XX centuries exterminated men, one in foura man died, many became crippled. And the women had to becomestrong. And this has stuck to our days - mothers pass on the same experience to girls - you must be strong. Sons see that mom earns money, and dad is soft-bodied, unsuccessful. They do not see another model and becomes the same.

A woman needs a strong partner, but a man still deep down wants to be stronger than a woman. This is how it should be - a man is strong, and a woman is fragile, weak. And then everyone is comfortable. But, unfortunately, it is different now, a woman has become stronger than a man, and society supports this model.

Notice, even the fashion for metrosexuals has gone, effeminate men. Guys began to be more cutesy, effeminate, pay more attention to appearance. On the one hand, some girls like it. But on the other hand, it's scary - a manbetter versed in manicure, pedicure, appearance.

In fact, it is very common for a family to strong wife and calm husband. The husband's wife rots, and the husband does not mind. But at some point, he leaves for another woman who is more feminine, next to whom he can feel strong. Sooner or later, a man who is being “balled”, or becomes an inveterate drunkard, or explodes, somehow expresses his dissatisfaction.

Many men drink because they cannot fulfill themselves. And women are partly to blame. That is, one must understand that if a woman is imperious, takes the reins of government in the family, makes major major decisions in the family and manages and manages everything, then the man will earn little, drink, try to restore balance. Or surreptitiously “grind”, beat on sore spots - you are terrible, fat, old.

What can you do to make a man confident?

You need to behave correctly - support, believe in a person. To give the child more independence, to take the initiative. Girls do not decide for a guy, do not support financially.

There is such a misconception among girls that if a guy material problems, she must support him by the fact that they will live on her money. This big mistake. The man relaxes, begins to lean on the woman. This is the beginning of the end.

If the girl stays weak near with a man, gives him the initiative, praises, this is support for a man, he believes in himself. And this gives him a base for achievements and,accordingly, he becomes more confident in himself.

Men's confidence is based on achievement. In all areas - science, creativity, business. Note that men are constantly competing with each other in the field of achievement. A female confidence based more on happiness in personal life.

The big problem with confident women is that they can't get along with men. strong man need fragile woman that he can take care of. And here Strong woman need a weak man so that he can lean on her (“mother”).

It is very important in childhood to give the boy to sport sections to have confidence in his body. If he knows that he can stand up for himself, then he is confident in himself. If there is strength in the body, then he is spiritually strong.

Mom should praise the boy more, and dad should teach him to be strong, keep him strict. If mom is more soft, pitying, then dad is more strict, but purposeful. Then the boy will develop in a healthy environment.

If a girl is next to a guy, she should also behave correctly. Do not show how strong she is, how wonderful she can do without him. You need support, admiration, and in no case can you compare with other men.

- Thank you for an interesting and very useful conversation!