I feel like a bad mother - why is this happening and how to deal with it. I am a bad mother

"Am I a bad mom?" Or about pitfalls in education

How nice it is to read articles on education on the Internet, about children's creativity, about toys and books, disputes about the most “correct” development of children - these materials are saturated maternal love and the desire to give your children the best. And let the concept of the best for everyone is very different! And how difficult it is to think about the topic of aggression in education. It seems so impossible, illogical, unnatural that there seems to be nothing to talk about. But, nevertheless, the problem exists and is serious. I’ll make a reservation right away - it’s not about physical punishment. And if about them, then only as a special case and outward manifestation aggression. I'll explain why.

You can discuss what is meant by physical punishment, are they possible, are there situations in life when it is permissible to spank a child or raise his voice. You can argue, and opinions will differ, but this topic is still very specific. There is a much more subtle, less noticeable and therefore much more dangerous hypostasis of aggression. After all, you can not touch a child with a finger and not raise your voice, but constantly show aggression towards him. She is not immediately visible, but she slowly but surely kills little man. First his soul, psyche, and then his body. And it's not loud words- after all, everything that happens inside, eventually finds its reflection in the outside. The first symptoms are relatively harmless - it is constant irritation, distrust, fear, annoyance, disappointment, anger at the child. It seems to be not very scary at first glance - stress, breakdown - with whom it does not happen. But if a flower is constantly watered with acid, even a drop, sooner or later it will die.

Let's play an experiment. Slap your hand as if you killed a mosquito, and now the purpose of the clap is to cheer up (like tapping on the shoulder), and now to stop, then to punish, and finally to humiliate. The gesture is the same, the force of impact, the amplitude is the same, but the meaning is different. The same thing happens with the word, the look. What is inside is transmitted, and the child feels it perfectly.
Here are a few life situations. Difficult, confusing, requiring colossal work.
What I dreamed about in childhood and in my youth did not work out. And the mother is trying to realize all her dreams in the child. And... it doesn't work for some reason. As a result, a mixed feeling of annoyance, anger, irritation is born, which splashes out on the baby - and the child becomes guilty of unsatisfied mother's ambitions. History is rare. What drives mom? The desire to prove something (what?) - to herself, to her parents, to the whole world. Self-pity, she transfers her understatement to the child. And the mother's heart does not want to accept the fact that the child is not a copy of her, he is different, although he is very similar to her.

Looks like, and sometimes even too much, like his father, with whom all relations are severed and all bridges are burned, to "that kindred." Both externally and in character. Every word, gesture, habit of a child is like a knife to the heart. It comes down to rejection and hatred. Just think about it - hatred for your child! And again, the child is guilty without guilt: they really love / hate something not him, he is in this case only a reflection, an illusion. By at least, so his mother's heart perceives him through the prism of his selfishness and unresolved relationships.

Mom is not ready for motherhood. Either the child was initially unwanted, or new life, which began with the appearance of the baby (or even her anticipation during pregnancy), turned out to be unbearable stress - the mother perceives all changes as an encroachment on the freedom of the individual. Any separation from the usual, any restriction is extremely painful and responds with aggression towards the baby. The child interferes with her, or rather, again, not the child, but her inner protest and pride. Again, their problems are solved at the expense of a small person.

All of the above situations are based on selfishness, whatever one may say, or more precisely, on the instinct of self-preservation. It's like a drowning person who frantically grabs everything around, and can drown not only himself, but also those who are nearby and even the one who is trying to save him. The mother's problems are going through the roof - she is trying to "swim out" and save herself, and her child, entrusted to her by Heaven, is nearby. Mom's aggression in any form kills on all fronts: both physically - provoking stress and illness, and on a more subtle level - nurturing neuroses and breaking the psyche.

Aggression towards a child is unacceptable, but if it is present, you cannot cancel it by order. And give some practical advice it’s unreasonable here - the problem needs to be solved at the root, and not drowned out with the help of “painkillers”. You may need the help of specialists, although only the person himself can truly solve the problem to the end, it is impossible to shift it onto the shoulders of psychologists and psychotherapists, just as it is impossible to force your child to solve it. It takes a lot of work on yourself.

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Hello! My daughter is 3.5 years old. Daughter desired and long-awaited, very beloved. During pregnancy, a pathology was found, in the case of the kidneys. On the third day after the birth, my daughter was taken to the regional hospital for examination, I was allowed to go to her only after 4 days. Babies lie there separately from their mothers, you can only come for feeding every three hours. Two weeks passed. At 3 months, they again went there for an operation. They lay for 3 weeks, the first day she cried a lot, because she was accustomed to hands, breastfeeding. In the hospital, she began to suck her thumb. At home, I decided to continue the guards according to the regime, because. I had to take a lot of medicine. I consider this my first omission.
Further. Up to a year, every month we go to the hospital with pyelonephritis, and this heat and injections. The mother-in-law began to express that we bad parents because the child is constantly sick. In fact, the reason for this was the abolition of a certain medication, but before that, the doctors did not immediately guess. So now we still drink this medicine without stopping. Then, starting from 11 months, we constantly go to the hospital for kidney problems, 3 more simple operations were performed, now a major operation is required, but we cannot do it yet because we are getting sick. AT general child constantly on medications and in hospitals. Favorite game is doctor)) This is the general picture of us in a nutshell.
Farther. I grew up in a large family, 5 children, I am the penultimate one. Dad died early from cancer, I was 3.5 years old. Mom quietly began to drink, quit, lived very poorly. Mom was not the last alcoholic, she couldn’t take things out of the house, she drank heavily, once a month. Naturally, we suffered, but our mother loved us very much and she loved us. But I considered myself an unloved child, I grew up insecure, although I graduated from school with a medal, and an institute with honors. So in the light of this, I really wanted a child and I wanted to give him a lot of love. Since birth, she has been kissed and constantly in my arms. We sleep together, on the chest up to 2 years. I think that I really tied her to me, she also loves to hug, constantly strokes my hand, even in a dream. I think that it gave her little independence, she still asks to feed her and put her on the potty, but I am gradually moving away from this, she is already sitting on the potty herself.
We live with my mother-in-law, from the very beginning they were not very a good relationship, but we never swore, we just didn’t talk heart to heart, just hello and goodbye. She doesn’t love me and admitted this more than once in a conversation. After the birth of her daughter, she began to tell my husband and I that we are bad parents, the child is constantly sick with us , then she cries, then why do we carry her in our arms, hold her in the wrong way (she herself did not take her son, my husband, in her arms for up to a year, well, in the sense, except for the need to change clothes, bathe). AT general relationship they didn’t ask, they never left their daughter with her, with the exception of once a year, to go to the New Year’s corporate party to her husband’s work, i.e. only three times.
My daughter is always with me, to the store, to the hospital, everywhere. I give her a lot of attention, we play together, personal time I only have it during her sleep. She is very attached to me, especially for a while, after the next treatment. I used to be able to take a walk with my dad alone, go to the store with my grandfather for a toy (grandfather does not live with us). AT recent times without me, they didn’t go anywhere without me, even this year they didn’t go to a corporate party, I cried a lot. This is another moment of my unsuccessful motherhood.
Further. A year ago, after a course of prescribed medications that have a tonic effect on the ns, I stopped sleeping during the day and began to stutter a little, or rather, even stretch out the letters. Then it seemed to subside, and after the next course it intensified. Canceled. Appointed tenoten and v6. It's calmed down. At the end of the year, I began to stutter very strongly, lasted about 3-4 days and began to decline, I am very worried about this, and now on this moment again stuttering for the third day. Is it from the drugs, because they have already been canceled. At first I thought it was developmental stuttering, she is very inquisitive and smart, she started speaking early and immediately clearly, did not lisp. We will naturally go to the doctors, we will hire a speech therapist.
I don’t even know if I wrote it clearly here, I think I need to be treated myself, I’m very anxious, but my daughter feels it. Previously, I was always afraid that she would die, I even had dreams a couple of times, I can’t live without her.
I always try to speak softly, I don’t shout, I don’t practice on the priest and I don’t allow my husband. All prohibitions in a strict but quiet voice. She is very obedient, she always asks if she can? Even take off your socks in bed, I think maybe I stuffed her like that? I spoil her of course, this is also bad, there are a lot of toys. We read a lot, she knows everything and tries to read everything herself. My daughter is very sociable, she immediately finds friends on the playground, she has 3 permanent beloved girlfriends, the children follow her, if we go somewhere, she immediately finds someone to make friends with. I try not to forbid anything to her, we cook together, she once even asked something, can I? I answered you can, and she says: Mom, why do you allow me everything? But always ask permission first. He does not like criticism very much, he wants to be the first in everything, he does not like to lose.
We don’t go to kindergarten because of our health, but here they say: Mom, I won’t go to kindergarten at all, I want you to play with me all the time. You might think that she lacks attention, but she is always there and not just, but we play, read, draw, sculpt, hug, kiss.
Another problem is that he falls asleep with the light, it started after the guards were canceled, and if he wakes up at night, he doesn’t ask to turn it on, and he’s not afraid of the dark, he can go into a dark bath and close when we play hide and seek.
In general, something like this, like I wrote everything, I think I overreacted something in education, where to start correcting everything? It is clear that from myself, but how? First of all, stuttering is of course disturbing. Thanks in advance for your reply!

Psychologists Answers

Hello Nadezhda. You are far from bad mother.And even, you deserved an order for your high love for your daughter. But, I think, your quivering love comes from a source of anxiety (no matter what happens). And then the daughter can see your love as saving. (no love, no life). That is, you stayed with your daughter in the phase of her omnipotence. Normally, children go through this phase in the first year of life. For obvious reasons, your increased symbiotic, merging love for your daughter dragged on. This is beyond guardianship, which now the daughter takes not for love, but for helplessness (If my mother doesn’t leave me all the time, then I didn’t know how, unadapted and worthless). And as her daughter’s horizons grow and expand, she sees her independence more and more terrible. After all, she understands that her mother will not always be able to be with her. And she has no skills to live without you. Moreover, daughter sees precisely an anxious mother. That is, if a mother is anxious, then the world around us is life-threatening, unpredictable and full of surprises. Therefore, I think that growing up a daughter is associated with a fear of survival (suddenly I can’t do it alone). Therefore, stuttering appeared. But and trauma of the first months of life, when the daughter I was excommunicated from my mother, I think this is also the case. The way out is to carefully start a strategy for refusing suffocating love. All time to talk-me I know that you are already big and brave, and you can do it without my help. And so on for each subject of addiction. If it doesn’t work out, help. and dexterous. And you are not afraid of anything. And repeat these words often ad nauseam. she would forget the anxiety from life. Such work on growing up and adaptation needs to be stretched for a year so that her daughter would not be injured. Now she doesn’t feel at all trusts and trust through the awareness of her strength, she will slowly return to her. Stuttering in a few months, I think, will suspend its intensity, and then disappear altogether. In parallel, give her more right to her opinion, let her win verbal fights with you, achieve her desires in disputes and ask less you have permission for your actions. Build relationships on an equal footing, giving her faith that she can handle it (you can handle it, nothing complicated). So, step by step, you will correct the situation. Believe in yourself, and your daughter will believe in herself too.

A woman raises three children, gets tired, yells at them, sometimes spanks (the father is deliberately not considered here, “maternal neurosis” is less common among fathers). Is it good mother?

How can you answer without knowing the context? Maybe this woman is already working on herself a lot, and what we see is great result for her? Who knows what she went through, what injuries and internal fears did she have to overcome?

We see only one thing: “Spanking. Screaming."

And the woman herself also often sees only this. And then cats scratch inside: “Am I really a bad mother? Maybe my child would be better off with a different mother? It is difficult to think about it, these are heavy doubts and thoughts. And it is much easier to choose the path of improvement - to try to be better and better every day. New methods of education, refraining from screaming and breakdowns - only so that the cats do not scrape at heart. But the more she tries to forbid herself from being "bad", the more difficult it is to cope with her own emotions.

The well-known psychotherapist Donald Winnicott introduced a special term - "good enough mother". This is a mother who proceeds from the needs of the child, correlates them with her own capabilities, and then already determines the maternal style.

In every situation where you have doubts about the quality of your own motherhood, think about:

• What needs do my child/children have here and now?
• What needs here and now do I have - as a woman, a person?
• Can I provide for these needs (both children's and my own)?
• To what extent can I provide them?
• What help can I get?

maternal neurosis

Starting from pregnancy future mother receives a large number of reasons to feel bad. And with the advent of the child into the world, a flurry of information falls upon her. How many times outside strangers allow themselves to speak about the stomach, the stroller, the child?

No matter what the mother does, she can never satisfy all the demands, because they contradict each other.

There are mothers who were taught as children to protect themselves and protect their boundaries, but more often such advice hurts a lot. And it's impossible to do everything right. Every parenting style is subject to daily and hourly testing and criticism.

Why do we get hurt by all these “Oh, mother, why didn’t you put a hat on your child?”. Here are three reasons.

1. Parental anxiety

They say that the times are disturbing - you can no longer let a child go for a walk alone in the yard. And for many mothers, anxiety for children is really increased. And then any nuance becomes a cause for concern - “Is it really possible to take off the hat?”, “What if I didn’t foresee everything?”.

And out of nowhere, the feeling of guilt grows. It is useless to drown it out, it can turn into psychosomatics or more serious disorders. It is better to consult a psychotherapist with the problem of anxiety.

2. Fatality of educational mistakes

Now women read a lot about pedagogy and education. Many people know about generational family scenarios. And this knowledge helps in some ways, but also burdens. There is a feeling of irreparability - all our mistakes with children are fatal, a breakdown will certainly lead to injury, lack of attention - to bad relationship, spoiled - to an unworthy future.

And when the thought “Nothing can be fixed already” is in the head, shame and guilt grow by leaps and bounds.

Mistakes in education can be corrected. The child will even benefit from this.

For example, there was a breakdown. What's the use here? Full of guilt and bitterness.

But you can:

• separate the situation and the breakdown itself and solve separately the emotional tasks and the tasks of the situation that led to the breakdown,
• apologize to the child - because it is bad to humiliate and offend, and because it teaches the child that a breakdown (both his own and his mother's) is not the end of the world, but an everyday situation from which you can adequately get out.

3. Demanding society

We are surrounded by many conflicting attitudes. For example: “It is necessary that the child be warmly dressed” or “It is necessary to temper the child, you cannot wrap it up.”

Whatever the mother does, she can never satisfy all the demands, because they contradict each other.

And the advice falls into a blind zone - where the mother has not yet decided. Perhaps she herself regretted that she had not put on her hat. Maybe the kid put on a show because of that hat. To feel confident, it is helpful to form your own judgment. For example: “A hat is not needed at a certain temperature” or “I always put a hat on my child, but if it gets hot, I’ll take it off.”

The more such own judgments are opposed to other people's attitudes, the easier it is to be confident in your motherhood.

Mom's medicine

A good mood, a resource state is a medicine for a mother who suddenly feels bad. Remember that in the recipe for a “good mother” there is a question about her own needs? This is a must have!

Sleep, relax, take a walk, draw, call a friend - find the opportunity to treat yourself every day, this will make motherhood more calm and kind.

about the author

Systemic family psychotherapist. Her website.

NOT PERFECT MOTHER

The mistakes made by a mother do not make her a monster at all. How to stop suffering and start living?

Loss of patience

The cat has a mournful bald patch on the scruff of the neck, contents flower pots plucked out and scattered around the room, the child refuses to dress, screams and stamps his feet. After a while, you are already screaming and stomping your feet. Sometimes you can even slap him - nerves treacherously surrender. After 15 minutes of a typhoon and a hurricane, you repent of everything at once and experience monstrous disappointment in yourself. Now no one will give you "excellent" for mastering educational methods. They say that by the third child the nerves become iron, but before that you still have to live. In the meantime, you're just terribly ashamed.

The senses. You lost patience and felt helpless. Anger subsided, replaced by shame, guilt and horror, especially if the child rolled into a roar after your release of emotions. your way. You rush to apologize, blow on a slapped ass, roar with the baby or roar secretly from him. Are you a bad mother? Usually, a spanking is preceded by a behavior that can be described as "unbelted". Coming out of the image of “always calm mommy”, you just marked the boundaries of the forbidden for the child, expressing your extreme disapproval. This is normal, moreover, it is necessary. Thus, the world takes on a clearer shape for children, because a child who knows no limits sometimes feels anxious. You are guided by absolutely correct motives, just the way you have chosen is not entirely successful - too harsh and loud. Of course, there are better methods, but what you did is not a crime at all.

The child's reaction. He is suffocated by resentment, fear, anger and aggression, the baby at this moment can even swing in response. In this case, firmly intercept his hand, but do not punish. Most importantly, the child understands that he was stopped.

Another way. No violently expressed emotions have such an educational effect as a sudden cessation or change in the style of communication with a child. If you want to learn how to competently disapprove of the behavior of the baby, you can do exactly the opposite - do not scream, but shut up. At a critical moment, simply stop touching the child, calling him by name, or turn away. Cold loving mother works very effectively. But - attention! - there are situations when you can not do without a slap. Therefore, stop reproaching yourself - you are a normal mother, and it is likely that your reaction to what happened was optimal.

Required phrase. When you make up, do not forget to tell the baby: "I love you very much, but when you did this, I was very angry." In case you slapped him, apologize at the reconciliation: "Forgive me, please, I didn't know how else to stop you."

Hidden emotions

The saddest and most harmful delusion, especially for young mothers, is to believe that you are a vessel of universal patience and boundless tenderness. You are sure that even in the case when the child has greatly annoyed you, in a conversation with him it is necessary to maintain an affectionate intonation. By refusing to broadcast to the world what you really feel, you lock everything inside negative emotions. Psychologists call this behavior incongruence, in other words, not quite an adequate expression of their own experiences.

The senses. You are torn in two by “bad” emotions and fear of loss own image"good mommy"

your way. In this case, it doesn't exist. You wanted to sharply express your dissatisfaction, but instead you restrained yourself and, smiling, murmured something like: “Petenka, honey, put your father’s tie back, don’t cut it with scissors.” And they said a second time. And the third. In the fourth, your smile became like a grin, and your tie turned into a pile of rags. Are you a bad mother? When your “vessel of universal tenderness” is overwhelmed with anger and irritation, but you are firmly convinced that you should not feel it, you begin to lie. own baby hiding true emotions from him. Thus, your real "badness" is that you give the child incorrect, distorted feedback. To be incongruent is to lie with your voice, facial expressions, and gestures about your real experiences.

The child's reaction. Perplexity. He feels that you do not approve of him, but he cannot understand why you have the same voice in this case as when you praise him. He will cut the tie with scissors until he gets the truth out of you: either you stop it firmly and calmly, or you will explode. And the more stubbornly you strive to make everything around you look like cotton candy, the worse the example you set for your child: sooner or later, he will also decide that true emotions should be masked under something completely opposite.

Another way. Expressing your disapproval does not mean entering into a conflict or scaring the child with your dislike. Anger must be expressed as anger, disapproval as disapproval. You have the right to be angry and speak in an “unkind” voice, moreover, you are obliged to give the child truthful feedback. This is what will make you a really good mom.

Required phrase. It is said to and to oneself: "I have the right to be angry, my child has the right to know about it."

Uniting with husband against child

Anya loves chips and is ready to eat them in boxes. You stop it, and dad willingly allows it. In the morning Anya has to make the bed: the father demands that this be done, and you let your daughter leave everything as it is. In fact, it is impossible to be so strict with a child!

Congratulations, your family has dual power. You allow, your husband forbids, and vice versa.

The senses. Helplessness and irritation from constant opposition to the spouse. Schadenfreude if you understand that your coalition with the child is stronger than the union of the baby with his father. In addition, you feel constant anxiety, because you know that this scheme does not benefit either you and your husband, or your adored heir. At the same time, when you still decide to act as a united parental front, you immediately begin to consider yourself a hard-hearted traitor.

your way. Instead of reaching an agreement with your husband, or at least giving him an example of unanimity by supporting his order, you persuade yourself that the child is small and two adults against a tiny baby is too much. Am I a bad mother? AT healthy families coalitions are inevitably formed along the lines of “parents vs child”. Well-minded father and mother do not share pedagogical power, but dispose of it in collusion. Any repeal of prohibitions or indulgences established by the other side says only one thing: the child has become a means for your games. And at the same time - into a manipulator, who clearly knows that dad will cancel mom's ban or vice versa.

You solve your personal, and sometimes even intimate, problems with your husband, using the child as a bargaining chip and as an argument. Most often this happens when the spouses have broken direct communication, when there is a taboo in the family to sort things out, and therefore, emotional trust has been lost on both sides. In this case, the child performs the function of a hollow, in which his father and mother put notes with a single phrase - "you are bad" - addressed to the partner. In general, what can I say, both you and your spouse are clearly not coping with the problem of “joint parenting”, which naturally does not benefit your parental reputation.

The child's reaction. The kid rushes from one adult to another in search of firm rules - and does not find them. In the end, he has no choice but to benefit from your dual power: in fact, he cannot behave more maturely than his parents.

Another way. Talk to your husband about what requirements for the child you will act as a united front. Find at least one match. Make concessions and support the second adult side where it is usually denied.

The right phrase: “Daddy thinks that you need to make your bed every morning. He said that this way you will grow up a neat person, and I agree with him.

Time Deficit
You plow like an ox, and you do not have not only the time, but also the strength. You leave - the child is still sleeping, come - already asleep. Or even worse: you go home, the baby happily rushes to you, and you are ready to burst into tears, because you can only hug him, and nothing more. You do not attend his matinees in kindergarten, miss the birthdays of his buddies and even really can’t answer the question of how many he already knows how to count.

The senses. Guilt before the child, hopelessness, helplessness and fear of forever losing contact with the baby. You are incredibly jealous of non-working mothers.

your way. You hug the child tightly, fussily apologizing that you won’t get to his holiday again, lament that you can’t stay with him, because you need to “earn money”. You are afraid to punish and scold him, because you are sure that you have no right to such behavior. Am I a bad mother? A child really suffers when his mother is emotionally unavailable or unpredictable for him. You can be emotionally unavailable, and sitting at home 24 hours a day. This means - to pass by the ears everything that the child says, to pay minimal attention to him. necessary attention, to perceive oneself as a function to ensure feeding and safety for him - and nothing more.

The child's reaction. If you drown in the awareness of your own guilt, the baby also experiences something similar: “Am I the reason why mom lives so hard and difficult?”

Another way. First, tell the child that you happy man, because you have two riches: him and your favorite (good) work. Secondly, be open to the baby - set the time at which you belong to him without restrictions (for example, if you go somewhere with him, turn off your mobile). Talk to your child not formally, but with interest and attention. If you are busy at work for weeks, be available at least by phone (at a specially agreed time). And in those hours that you spend at home, belong entirely to the child. Tell him about everything in the world, but most importantly - about your work so that he does not feel opposed to it, but involved. It's not because your work eats up all your time that you're failing as a mother, but because you've let it consume you emotionally.

The right phrase: “I won’t have time to bake you a cake tomorrow for the fair, but now we’ll buy it ready, decorate it with berries, call it our own way, and it will be the best!”

1. Tell the child that he is bad. Localize the problem! You are not satisfied not with him, but with his behavior at the moment.
2. Set conditions for manifestation own feelings. Forever remove the phrases “I don’t love you anymore”, “you behaved badly - I will leave you forever” from your vocabulary. You put the baby in front of an unsolvable and unbearable problem for him: the loss of you and your love. Know that he will trust you unconditionally. Such an internal attitude of the child is unlikely to allow you to ever feel like a really good mother.
3. Being held hostage to guilt. This will bring ingratiating, unnatural intonations along with it, increase your baby's anxiety and strengthen him in the feeling that something is not right.
4. Skip matinees, competitions and performances. A child whose parents did not come to cheer for him feels abandoned, lonely and useless.
5. Conduct pedagogical discussions with your spouse in front of the child: this is your “parental” kitchen. The kid must be sure that absolute consent reigns between his parents.
6. Give feedback opposite in meaning to the same actions of the child. That is, if at home you express dissatisfaction with him for untidy toys, then on the street - in the sandbox - he must collect them on his own. Scolding a child when no one sees you, and keeping silent in public - double standard, to comprehend the meaning of which the baby is simply not able to.