My civil husband does not want intimacy. Why is civil marriage doomed? Unwillingness to lose freedom

Padding around the form

The most a big problem“civil marriage” is that it does not oblige the partners to anything and does not guarantee anything. And therefore, a person who strives for a stable and reliable relationship simply cannot feel comfortable in the so-called civil marriage, which can be called a marriage with a big stretch.

« Civil marriage” is somewhat similar to a “guest marriage”, with the only difference being that in a “guest marriage” the partners do not live together, but only meet to have a good time together. While "civil marriage" implies the cohabitation of a man and a woman and the maintenance of a joint household. It may seem to someone that “civil marriage” is much more serious and stable relationship than "guest marriage". But this impression is superficial and very misleading.

Let's start with the fact that "civil marriage" is a trap that many naive and gullible women. The fact is that living with a man under the same roof, a woman, as a rule, completely takes over household- laundry, cooking, cleaning, cooking and so on. And what does he get in return for it? In most cases, only an illusory hope that a man will someday appreciate her care and thriftiness and finally call her to the registry office. And this waiting can go on for years!

As you can see, civil marriage is much more beneficial for a man than for a woman. Just think about it: in a "civil marriage" a man receives from a woman the care and care he needs in full, and, as a rule, there is practically no return! In most cases, men do not consider it necessary to invest in their common-law wives either emotionally or financially. Therefore, we can safely say that in such a relationship, a man simply simply uses a woman, and a woman allows him to use herself, as she hopes for a happy ending. As they say, hope dies last...

Let's add to all of the above that living with a man under the same roof, a woman invests in him not only time and effort, but also feelings and emotions. The longer a woman lives with a man, the more she becomes attached to him, and the more difficult it is for her to break the bonds that bind them. But time does not stand still ... It is clear that at the age of 25 a woman is much more likely to successfully arrange her personal life than at 35. In addition, a woman's reproductive age is short. So women give birth to their civil husbands of children, and then, when a man decides to break off relations, they become single mothers. Why be surprised? If a man really loves a woman and wants to have a child from her, he will certainly offer her to become his wife!

Of course, it is not uncommon for a “civil marriage” to end up in a formal union. But this is only if the partners discuss in advance exactly how long they will live together without painting, in order to make sure that the two of them are not bad. Usually, a year is enough for this. But if a year, two, three passes, and the man still does not call the woman to the registry office, then nine out of ten that he is not going to marry this woman at all!

Why does a man not want to marry concubine? There can only be two reasons. Most common cause: male does not love woman, perceives it as a temporary option, and believes that he can find someone better for himself. The second reason: a man is psychologically and therefore afraid of any responsibility. And marriage is a huge responsibility, supported by legal laws!

Not so long ago, girlish purity and virginity were highly valued by men. So why is the virginity of men now scares away rather than seduces? Yes, because a relationship with a virgin obliges a lot, and many modern men they do not want to take on any obligations, because without obligations they live more calmly and more conveniently. FROM an easily accessible woman, which had many sexual partners, you can not stand on ceremony. “You lived with other men in a “civil marriage,” the man says to the woman, “now you will live with me.”

The fact that men began to treat women this way is partly to blame for the women themselves. Whether to enter with a man intimate relationship and whether to live with him in a "civil marriage" - the woman decides for herself. And if a woman does not value and respect herself, then how can she demand from men that they value and respect her?!

Too many women follow the lead of men and agree to a "civil marriage" solely out of fear of loneliness. Women are afraid that if they start sorting out men and putting forward their conditions to them, they will remain lonely. I believe that such fears are completely unfounded and are due to the low self-esteem of these women. After all, men need women as much as women need men. And if a man really liked a woman and needs him, he will never refuse her just because she wants to be his wife, not a cohabitant!

I have a woman friend who early youth She had strong principles and was not going to compromise them. When she met her future husband, he, some time after they began dating, invited her to live in a "civil marriage" in order, as he put it, "to test their feelings for strength." Of course, my acquaintance rejected this offer with indignation, and even showed the man her offense. And then the gentleman in love with her had to hastily offer her a hand and a heart.

And in general, is it really much worse to live alone than to cohabit with a man who uses you and does not put you in anything? A single woman has a chance at any moment to meet a decent man and marry him. Whereas a concubine is, as it were, not alone, but not married woman, the present of which is not very joyful, and the future is cloudy and hopeless. Why? Yes, because, as shown life experience, “civil marriage” is a hopeless relationship doomed to an inevitable break!

- Should marriage be a joint decision, or should a man still accept it?

It is desirable, of course, that the man himself guessed to make a marriage proposal to the woman. But if time passes, and the man is in no hurry to invite a woman to the registry office, then, in such a situation, the woman has every reason to seriously talk with the man in order to clarify further prospects for relations with him. The woman may also try to gently nudge the man into acceptance. important decision about legitimizing relations with the help of subtle hints and leading questions. But if you see that a man in every possible way avoids any conversations on the topic of marriage - this is a very bad symptom!

Why is civil marriage doomed?

Firstly, because the family requires great dedication from both men and women. And in a civil marriage, at least one of the partners (the one who does not want to sign) is set up exclusively for consumption. You need to understand that marriage is not only pleasure and enjoyment from owning each other. It's also a lot of hard work! In marriage, both partners should have both rights and obligations. And the one who is convinced that he does not owe anything to anyone will never be able to build a successful and successful relationship with anyone. complete family and doomed all his life to rush from one partner to another.

Secondly, the creation of a family implies the birth of children. How can a woman give birth to a man who does not want to marry her?! Where is the guarantee that he will not leave her and refuse the child at the very first difficulties that inevitably arise when children appear? Of course, there are no guarantees ... Meanwhile, almost all women have a powerful maternal instinct, which sooner or later takes its toll. So the woman is faced with a choice: either to give birth illegitimate child with the risk of remaining a single mother, or leaving a common-law husband and going in search of new ones, more promising relationship. Very often, it is the thoughts of motherhood that make a woman give a man a categorical ultimatum: marriage or separation. And here the man has to demonstrate his true attitude to a woman - either make her his lawful wife, or leave.

Some couples living in a “civil marriage” are in no hurry to have children, justifying this by the fact that they want, they say, to live for themselves, for their own pleasure. But it should be understood that no pleasure is eternal. And if children do not appear in the family, a man and a woman sooner or later get fed up with each other, start to move away from each other and rush in search of pleasure on the side. And then - the inevitable break.

- And if children are born in a civil marriage, does he have a chance to survive?

The belief that a man can be tied with a child is the most common and biggest misconception of women! I categorically believe that children should appear only in legal marriage when both parents eagerly await their birth. But, alas, there are countless cases when a woman gives birth to a child to her “common-law husband”, despite his stormy protests, and then she is sincerely perplexed when, after the baby is born, the man packs his bags and leaves. Or kicks out a woman with a child if they live on his territory. But even if a man comes to terms with the appearance of a baby and continues to live with a woman, in most cases, the relationship of such a couple is getting worse and worse ...

I have a couple who have been living in a civil marriage for more than 10 years, but at the same time, their life together, with all their desire, cannot be called happy. And it all started with the fact that the woman became pregnant from her roommate and decided to give birth, although the roommate was categorically against it. He immediately told her: “It was you who decided to give birth in order to tie me to yourself as a child.” On the one hand, this woman was more fortunate than others: “ civil husband“He didn’t leave her and even fell in love with the child in his own way. But he was never able to forgive that she gave birth without his consent, and with every conflict (and conflicts in their family happen often), he reminds her of how low and dishonest she did with him.

Once again I repeat: a child is a huge responsibility. And if a man is not ready or does not want to take on such responsibility, then there is extremely little chance that he will become good father for your future child! It also plays a role and the fact that a man's parental feelings wake up (if they wake up at all) not immediately, but gradually. And in order for a man to feel like a father, he must, of his own free will, take part in the process of caring for a newborn. When a man periodically holds a baby in his arms, when he bottle-feeds him, when he swaddles, bathes and dresses him, only then does he become attached to the child, and he realizes that he is the father. If a man basically does not pay any attention to an unwanted child, it is very naive to expect that his fatherly feelings will wake up!

Is there really not a single example of a long and happy civil marriage, when there is a child and everything is fine and stable?

With all responsibility they can say: I do not know of any such example! Even if outwardly everything seems to be fine with such a couple, if you dig deeper, it will certainly turn out that at least one partner feels unhappy in this relationship. Moreover, as a rule, this partner is a woman, tortured by the uncertainty of her position and the nebula future prospects.

Not so long ago, there was a couple at the reception who had lived in a civil marriage for 8 years. As usual, the initiator of the consultation was the woman, while the man was satisfied with the relationship and very reluctantly agreed to come to see me. What did not suit the woman in these relations? First of all, that she did not feel like the wife of her man. It always seemed to her that their relationship was temporary, and that the moment when he would leave her was not far off. Under the influence of these experiences, the woman was exhausted and even began to complain about her health. With great difficulty, I managed to convince a man that if he loves a woman, then he should marry her. Soon they signed, and I really hope that everything will be fine with them.

There are also paradoxes. It would seem that the conclusion of an official marriage should only strengthen relations. But no, not always! There was a couple who lived relatively happily and quietly in civilian clothes for about 4 years. The problem was, again, that the woman no longer wanted to endure the humiliating status of a cohabitant and began to insist on going to the registry office. Loving the woman, the man agreed to legalize the relationship. But literally 3 months after the wedding, this couple broke up. It turned out that as soon as they signed, the woman, feeling like a legal wife, began to try manage and command man, and he, of course, did not like it ... Hence conclusion: in order for the family life of a young couple to be happy, both partners must understand well what marriage is and what it obliges, and that the seal in the passport is not a reason to consider the partner as your obedient property.

In conclusion, I want to say: official marriage- this is just necessary condition family happiness but not its guarantee! Only if the marriage partners love and respect each other and both are ready to sacrifice their selfishness for the interests of the family, do they have a chance to create a strong, friendly and happy family! Padding around the form

What to do if a man lives in a civil marriage with another. Is it worth considering such a gentleman and how to behave correctly.

According to statistics, only one third of men living in an unregistered marriage consider themselves married, and all the rest, when asked: “Are you married?” without hesitation they answer: "No". Is it worth considering this category of boyfriends for serious relationship Or it makes no sense to waste time on them. Who are they - single or married men? Let's put all the dots, look at the features of this type of boyfriends and find out whether it is possible to break a man's civil marriage and how to do it right.

Types of civil husbands and their features

If you are having an affair with a man who lives with another woman, try to figure out what type he is. Why do men live in a civil marriage, and is it worth counting on breaking his connection?

The most reliable option for family life, but useless for a new romance, a man who considers himself married and does not waste time making new acquaintances. This includes people who consider the stamp in the passport superfluous or are opponents of weddings and everything connected with them. Sometimes a woman is the initiator of an unregistered marriage, and the guy is just waiting for his beloved to answer him the cherished “yes”.

It makes no sense to waste your time on such a candidate, he already has a family, and the attitude towards a civil marriage is no different from the attitude towards an official family. The maximum he decides on is an easy affair on the side, which will be no different from having fun and coloring family everyday life in this way.

The second and, perhaps, the most numerous category of officially free, but actually employed suitors are men who cannot decide to marry a woman who considers him her husband. He simply does not see in her a suitable candidate for the family, but he is in no hurry to leave - the conveniences and comforts of family life take precedence.

It is quite possible to build a new relationship with such a man, but it is important to understand the risk that he will do the same to you. At the same time, there are many examples in which men, leaving their common-law spouse, fall head over heels in love with new girlfriends and immediately propose to them. Risk romance if you're in love, but don't let yourself be taken advantage of!

The third type of married bachelors are elementary users, wandering from one woman to another, in search of a hearty meal and guaranteed fulfillment of other seminal duties on her part. Probe the soil and try to discreetly find out how many such “barks” the boyfriend had and how long each of them lasted. It would also not be superfluous to find out his opinion about why the union broke up and who is to blame for this.

Perhaps the man simply does not like to live alone, so he is looking for a woman and finds them among those who want to start a family. Naturally, at first he plays the right role to enter into confidence, and then feeds the companion "breakfasts".

It also happens that men do their best to convey to their bedroom neighbor the absence of serious intentions, but women live in illusions and come up with a happy family life themselves, are deceived, and then offended.

The benefits of busy men

Can a man who does not want to marry another woman turn out good husband? Yes, because he, like him, has a lot of pluses!

1. Parting with a civil wife is always less painful than a divorce from an official wife.
2. There are no property rights in such relations, so there will be no division.
3. Such marriages rarely have children, so you can count on the lack of alimony and the lack of a loved one on a day off for the reason that he plays the role of a Sunday dad.
4. Having lived in a civil marriage, men go through the school of family life and already know how to cope with household duties, understand the essence of the general budget and do not take seriously petty female discontents and insults.
5. Such a man has standing woman, which means that it is not in the search and you have practically no competitors.
6. Other women look at the object of your adoration as someone else's husband, which also reduces the number of rivals.

How to build relationships and win a romance

With a man who avoids marriage, it is important to stick to right tactics in a relationship, otherwise you can lose and become either a victim short novel, or even worse - to get bogged down in a hopeless civil marriage for a long time.

First of all, turn into a leisurely turtle - there is no need to rush in a romance with a lover who is waiting for another woman at home. In your game, you must become perfect woman who knows her worth and knows how to take care of her husband. Do everything so that he seeks you, and do not rush to reciprocate. Believe me, the boyfriend will not go anywhere, he already has a rear, so he has nowhere to rush.

The ideal option, if a man lives in a civil marriage, is to start friendly relations, in which there will be no hint of dating, but there will be light notes of flirting coming from a woman who “does not even think about romance.” You can go to cafes, to the cinema, to walk, but without any continuation. During friendly meetings, do not waste time - quietly study the character and habits of the gentleman, and also do not transfer the conversation to another topic when he talks about his real concubine.

The main task of friendship is to find out what kind of your boyfriend sees a potential spouse and for what reason he does not marry her. Just do not try to ask such questions, be careful, otherwise your loved one will not like excessive curiosity.

Be prepared for the fact that a friend will offer you the role of a mistress, and he himself will remain to live in a family. Do you need it and are you ready for a supporting role? If not, then immediately refuse, saying that you are not dating. married man. If the relationship is serious, he will leave this woman to start a new life.

Most importantly, do not agree to cohabitation if a man wants to live in a civil marriage, otherwise you will find yourself in the same role as the abandoned woman. Since this person does not want a family, keep him at a distance. Limit yourself to dates, weekends together, and vacation trips, but don't move in! joint life shouldn't be.

However, do not forget to show your loved one with better hand. Show what kind of hostess you are, demonstrate your culinary skills more often, show care and attention to his problems. It is important that he understands that you are his woman, and he can no longer live without you. And to be together, he must marry!

Do not be afraid if a man's civil marriage turns out to be stronger than his feelings for you, then this is not your destiny. Visit places more often, and don’t neglect dating sites – 60% of couples now meet there. But first, about what gentlemen are waiting for you at the virtual grooms fair.

Hello! I have been in a civil marriage for 7 years, of which the first year my husband often wanted intimacy, I felt loved and desired. Then there was closeness, but less often, and almost always on my initiative, and for the last 3 years it hasn’t happened at all. I tried to talk to him very delicately - the block either leaves the topic or explodes. At first he reassured me that it was not about me, but about him. What specifically does not say. We went to the urologist together - everything is fine. Then, if I started a conversation on this topic, he started screaming for me to leave him alone, that everything would work out. The climax was the scandal when he yelled at me to look at myself in the mirror that, like, I look so terrible that he can't sleep with me. At first I was shocked, then I realized that the best defense is an attack, and in this way he tries to justify his problem. Then he woke up, asked for forgiveness and assured me that I misunderstood him. Since then we have lived like brother and sister. Or as close friends, I myself do not understand how. We have common interests, he does everything in the house himself, we travel a lot. I'm not talking about sex anymore. To be honest, to forgive him for those words, I forgave, but did not forget. And after them, and after a 3-year break, I can’t imagine that I can enter into intimacy with him again. But I need to understand what happened, and why he accused me of his failure. Briefly about me - outwardly interesting, well-groomed, tall, slim, fashionable, independent, mobile. Of course, there are a couple of wrinkles, but after his performance she went and pricked herself, now they are practically gone ... I understand that everything is in my hands - to continue this "brotherhood" or break it off. But most importantly, I want to understand the reason ... He does not have stress at work, he does not work hard with a jackhammer, he eats well and sleeps calmly, he is not a person of mood, he is not prone to depression, he enjoys life. He just doesn't want any physical contact. And I am very warm, affectionate and emotional person but at the same time flexible. I am silent, I don’t go in with conversations, because sex for me is not the most important thing in life, but to me, like any normal woman I want to feel loved and desired, and for him - "the very best" ... But I don’t know how to get through to him ... I understand that either I accept him like that and don’t try to remake him, or ... But There must be a way out, other than breaking up the relationship. That's why I'm here and I really hope for professional advice. Thanks in advance. Estella

Hello!
Let's, nevertheless, clarify what is really needed.

And after them, and after a 3-year break, I can’t imagine that I can enter into intimacy with him again. But I need to understand what happened, and why he accused me of his failure.

In theory, you yourself have already answered your own question why:

then I realized that the best defense is an attack and in this way he tries to justify his problem

Very likely. But you continue to write further that you need to understand why .... But you understand why. Because yes, delving into his problem is probably scary for him, and recognizing it - in his understanding can be read as recognizing his weakness and worthlessness.
That is, in itself, the answer to the question why he accused you does not bring relief?

A wish body contact may disappear very different reasons. Not only physiological. There can be a lot of different undercurrents in a person - fears, complexes hidden from consciousness, during the period of falling in love, some "walls" fall, but temporarily - as soon as the hormonal "storm" ends - the person, as it were, returns to himself as he really is. deed. And, probably, with the departure of love, some of his old internal problems surfaced. Which, by the way, are not necessarily noticeable from the outside, and you can’t necessarily correctly assess his level of stress and peace of mind. If he is used to hiding problems from himself, perhaps he knows how to do this with respect to others.
The second question is whether there is another way out - here I can say that it definitely exists, but on one condition - the desire of BOTH.
Does your husband have a desire to solve this problem? Looks like no. And there is no motive - after all, you still live together, and, apparently, in the format that suits him perfectly. Why then should he solve this problem, if everything suits him?
The question, rather, is something else - what are you yourself ready to do in this situation, how to relate to it, what decisions to make, what words to say? Were you able to define your attitude?

My civil husband does not want intimacy

I will answer your questions: my husband lives very well and comfortably, the only thing that irritates him is my feelings (the desire to talk about it and pronounce problems) and my desire for intimacy. Even if not the act itself, but simply male warmth. I understand that he is already old and that he may have organic problems. And that he is afraid even to admit it to himself. But we were at the urologist, I was personally present during the conversation. He was prescribed pills, such as Viagra - he NEVER tried. This problem does not bother him at all. I myself am related to psychology, many times I suggested that he go for a consultation with a psychologist for couples. Twists at the temple - like, am I crazy? I'm fine, everything suits me and I'm happy. And the fact that I am unhappy is my problem. Look for a young one if you only have sex in your head. The worst thing is that I help other people get rid of similar problems (well, to be honest, I have never seen anything like this before). And in my family I can’t figure it out and help myself ...
Of course, I am ready to say those words that will affect him and do what will help solve, as it turns out, MY problem.

I'm fine, everything suits me and I'm happy. And the fact that I am unhappy is my problem.

Well, look, this is his open position. He DOES NOT need to change anything in this area. But then this clearly indicates that the value of your relationship for him is very small. And the point is no longer about sex as such, but that he does not care that you have problems. He is not interested in your feelings. He doesn't care that you are suffering. Those. he is emotionally deaf and indifferent to you.
What sex are we talking about then? What kind of relationship can we talk about here? Have you asked yourself the question - what is it all based on?
I reason like this here: if a person is not interested in what you feel, if he doesn’t care about your condition in principle, then in what capacity do you “arrange” him? Housekeepers? financial partner? Life partner? What exactly is IMPORTANT to him in your general being with him? And you? What do you get valuable and important from your union?

My civil husband does not want intimacy

Thanks Anthony, you confirmed my suspicions. I not only thought about it, I openly asked him all these questions. The answer was: why are you digging into all this and ruining our good relations?
I really suit him very much - I don’t need to be supported and entertained. I am independent and self-sufficient. But he also suits me in many matters that do not concern emotional sphere. We have a kind of deal - domestic care for each other. I gave him a delicious dinner, he gave me new candles in the car. Plus a joint vacation several times a year. Like, "to look at people and show yourself." I read what I just wrote and it becomes scary myself ...

My civil husband does not want intimacy

We have a kind of deal - domestic care for each other. I gave him a delicious dinner, he gave me new candles in the car. Plus a joint vacation several times a year. Like, "to look at people and show yourself." I read what I just wrote and it becomes scary myself ...

Well, you can look at it in different ways. After all, only in romantic fairy tales there is one “correct” track - love to the grave with constant sighs around each other, wild passion and a blazing heart)) But reality is much wider and more diverse romantic tales. A deal is also an option. life together and not always bad. For your husband, as we can see, the option is very good. Rather, he needs a companion, a friend, even I would say a comrade, a person who will help in everyday life, but not interfere with living inside himself and his life. A good expression is:

our good relations

Yes, here he very clearly reflected to you what he needs - these very good relations. Not love, not passion, not spiritual intimacy, not unity, not community, not togetherness, but "good relations." Such people just happen with friends, companions, comrades, colleagues ...
This in itself is neither good nor bad. I have met people for whom the choice of a household partnership is a completely conscious step. They decided for themselves that they do not need loved ones emotional relationship with the opposite sex, that they have enough friends or even books and virtual space. And from the opposite sex, they sometimes need just that - to run a household together, support each other in everyday life, sometimes have fun together, and otherwise - not interfere with each other.
And many live in this for quite a long time and quite comfortably. Maybe your husband is like that. Perhaps he did not realize at first that he needed just such a union, but time put everything in its place and showed it.
And you can treat it differently. You can admit that this partnership suits you with him, you are comfortable, reliable, calm with him, and this is important for you. And the problem with sex in this situation can be solved in different ways.
Well, or do you admit that the most important thing for you is, after all, not a household partnership, but an emotional relationship. But then you have to admit (and your husband to voice it) that you are not satisfied with "good relations", you need emotional relationships in which there is warmth, intimacy, passion, tenderness, affection and interest in each other not only at the level of everyday life.
Neither option is scary - people have different things on different stages Life suits or does not suit and everything has its own reasons. The key question remains one - which option suits you? In one thing, you have to accept that you can’t count on emotional and passionate relationships here. In another, you will most likely either have to leave or at least go through a serious crisis, as a result of which your relationship will either change towards more emotional ones, if the husband decides that the option of breaking up does not suit him, or he still cannot take some steps in this direction and both of you will finally understand that you are not suitable for each other.
How do you feel yourself - what is more important for you now, after all, your well-established camaraderie in everyday life and general comfort, or is it emotions and sex in a relationship?

I can not call him an emotionless person, and just a household companion too. He really feels my mood, if I don’t smile and don’t joke, he immediately asks what happened, what happened to me? Trouble? Tell me if I can help, etc.
His inner world he is completely open to me, we have common interests, we discuss everything, make plans together, he consults with me in all situations.
After I read your answer, I took a sheet, divided it in half and wrote down all of it in one half positive sides, in the other negative. So, in the positive, I turned the sheet over, because. I didn't have enough of one. And in the negative - except for the lack of bodily contact, I did not find anything.
I don’t know how to explain it ... he won’t hug just like that, he won’t kiss .. but, let’s say we are driving in a car - he will either grab his knee, or something else ... In bed - no movements .. .but I should be there... he should feel me that way. I wanted to go to sleep in another room - so he just rebelled against ... he feels bad without me ...
And everything is important to me. But sex is not at the head.
In short, the matter is clear that the matter is dark)))))
I'm already confused...

In short, it's clear that it's dark

But why? When you explain, tell, it becomes clearer.
For example, from this answer it is already clear that in your relationship there is more than just a household partnership. There is friendship, there is even tenderness, there is a common feeling, and so on.
But, on the other hand, a man, for some reason, does not want to recognize this as a problem. It turns out that there is only one way out. I once wrote about it small text on one of the forums, I will quote it here in full:

Sometimes in a situation where one partner in the family is dissatisfied with something, and the second one is “all right,” and he has “no problems,” I sometimes say something completely non-therapeutic:

"Then make it a problem for him!"

If we think about it seriously, we will see certain patterns.

One - the problem is always solved by the one for whom it is a problem. This is the law of the genre, that is, of human motivation. Why should a person invest energy in something that does not bother him and does not interfere with him? No need.

The second - if it’s not a problem for him that you have problems with him, then he doesn’t hear your feelings and / or doesn’t attach importance to them (it’s not known yet why - because he doesn’t want to in principle or because you didn’t communicate clearly) .

It follows from this that the only way involve him in solving your problem - make your feelings and your problems become a problem for him too.

Ideally (well, this ideal is quite achievable in life, let's call it " healthy relationships") a priori, the problems of another become your problems simply because you created relationships because of the desire to share life with another, and he is no less important to you than yourself. After all, he free choice is now part of your life. And it cannot be ignored. But the path to this is sometimes long and difficult.

In ordinary life, it often happens that it is easier for many to run away from solving any problems, conflicts, and they will run away to the last. Until it becomes impossible to run.
And again the same conclusion - then make the person run faster.

There is such a technique in many approaches to psychotherapy: to intensify an unpleasant experience to the maximum possible limit of tolerance. Then the problem becomes full height and it is already impossible to ignore it, it is impossible not to meet with it, but at the moment of this ultimate pain, a lot of resources come to solve the problem.

Relationship crises can follow the same scenario. There is only one result - the partner can either admit or not admit that your problems can actually be only common in the family. If he begins to see you (albeit through pain), then your crisis may end with the emergence of another, deeper level of partnership. Or divorce, yes.
But while your problems for a partner do not seem to exist - you are unlikely to be seriously satisfied with such a relationship, even if you are afraid of divorce like fire.

It turns out that one of the options for solving your problem is that it also becomes a problem for him and there is a motive to solve it.
Or another option:

And in the negative - except for the lack of bodily contact, I did not find anything.

Are you ready to put up with this for the sake of the virtues you describe?

Then, it turns out, it remains for you to act in the chosen direction, recognizing that the methods of conveying your experiences to him were still ineffective, and therefore, you will have to try others.

What methods? Tears, screams and tantrums act on him like a red rag on a bull, he becomes angry and withdrawn or explodes ... Conversations lead to nothing. What am I supposed to do? He has a block. As if he is shy or afraid and is playing for time. But it justifies everything with age and fatigue. At the same time, he constantly says - you need to wait. Like, give me time and everything will be fine.

The conversations lead nowhere.

So talking is no longer a method if it doesn't help. Do your actions change? A man continues to receive all the same benefits and stay in the same atmosphere, and if everything remains the same for him, except for conversations, but conversations do not work, then apparently, it remains to look for something that will affect him at the level REAL change Around him.

Tears, screams and tantrums act on him like a red rag on a bull, he becomes angry and withdrawn or explodes ...

And how would you like to change something, but at the same time so that nothing changes and there would be nothing unpleasant?)))
Change is always unpleasant in some way. But it makes sense to understand that your whole situation happened precisely because THE OLD WAYS STOP WORKING. The old ways of interacting have turned out to be no longer relevant, the old ways of partnership have ceased to satisfy at least one of you. And in this situation of crisis, it will be unpleasant and uncomfortable for BOTH, because you will have to do something different from before, and you will have to go into conflict, that is, make a clash of interests and your impossibility to exist in this visible to your partner. And for this, try all the ways that will help him see and comprehend this task as really important. Or everything will be the same as before and you will suffer quietly.

As if he is shy or afraid and is playing for time. But it justifies everything with age and fatigue.

Well, as long as you allow it, time will drag on.

At the same time, he constantly says - you need to wait. Like, give me time and everything will be fine.

ok ask which one specific deadline he is ready to designate to solve problems. How? A month, two, three? Half a year, a year? How long would you be willing to wait? What is his plan of action? Or what exactly is he counting on to solve the problem? What exactly will happen during this month, six months, a year in his understanding?

don't rush me, I'll tell you myself when I'm ripe...

You have a choice. Either continue to disagree with uncertainty (you have the right not to want to wait indefinitely and you have the right to designate, put forward your deadline, which you are able to wait), or agree that you have no other choice, and it remains to wait without any there were guidelines.
You're at an impasse, not about him in the first place. As for YOURSELF. Because it is YOU who cannot yet decide what to do with yourself in this situation and what attitude to develop in yourself, how to deal with this fact yourself.

I can draw some conclusion. There is a fact that your man now lives quite comfortably without sex, this problem, even if it worries him, is not as strong as the problem of voicing this topic, discussing it, understanding yourself around this topic, etc. He does quite conscious choice: to avoid any action in this direction, and all his efforts are aimed at stopping the discussion of this topic and hushing up the situation.
You have the right to develop some kind of attitude towards this fact. But you don't produce it. You are also not ready to be responsible for your position yet, and there is no position, in fact. So far, you also have such a stage when you are not ready to do anything with this problem. It turns out that you, like a man, are much more concerned about other tasks - maintaining the status quo, the absence of conflicts and the unwillingness to firmly define your boundaries.
You can only change yourself. Him - you can't. Therefore, you will have to develop your attitude to what is happening, and give it out in a very certain form, backed up not only with words, but also with actions, any that will violate the previous order of things and will definitely inform your man that you cannot continue like this.
Or another option - you put up with what you have, and you either dump all the extra energy around this issue in emotional conversations (for example, with someone who will regret and sympathize, but at the same time will not bring you closer to any actions), you will get a certain relaxation and that's it, or even solve the issue of sex with another man.
And about the choice as such, I can tell you this (another short text, just by the way, written recently):
The very situation of choice no longer implies any ideal solutions. When you have an ideal solution - the choice does not make sense - you just actively walk along that carpet path of life that you have already found / collected / received as a gift from the universe - whatever. But if everything is generally fine with you, you know where you are going, why and with someone, what the hell is a choice? There is nothing to choose here.
If you find yourself in a situation of choice, then there is no longer any red carpet. And therefore, the answer to all questions like "how to marry someone who does not like parents, and at the same time not quarrel with them", "how to change jobs so as not to suffer from adaptation, doubts and the need to gain authority", "how to calculate all the risks, not having enough information but in such a way that with a guarantee of success", and, as a result, "how to change everything so that nothing changes at the same time", one - NO way.
If you are already in a situation of choice, then this most likely means that it will NOT work out ALREADY without conflicts, without suffering of one of the parties, without losses (even if you want to acquire something new and important, you will lose the old, moreover, together with the advantages that this old one, nevertheless, still has), without risk - it will not work either. The choice is generally quite painful, if someone does not understand.
But not doing it is an even more painful choice. Because in this case, the choice will be made for you, and by this moment you will be exhausted to the extreme by trying to sit on both chairs, tear your ass, and evaluate this choice (and even the relative high from the responsibility removed from yourself for this choice) anyway already you can't.
A search " ideal solution with a guarantee" can drag on for years. Or for a lifetime. And life, consisting of a chain of unmade choices, bad decisions and refusal to dispose of oneself, in the end it will be more like a journey in a cart, where the horse controls you, and you just have to wonder why the cart is so shaking, and you are so sick ....

The appearance of a child in the family is definitely the transition of the family to new level. It's not like planning a vacation or choosing a car. And many women in such a situation, in order to feel more confident and calm, would like to formalize their relationship.

From the point of view of psychology, it is not so important whether the spouses have a stamp in their passport, if both partners are satisfied with their position and feel comfortable in a civil marriage. The main thing is that the family should be harmonious. For a child in a civil marriage, the main thing is loving parents, peace in the family, even during prenatal development. If both in a couple really do not want "officialdom", then it is better to leave everything as it is. True, before the birth of a child in a civil marriage, it is better to discuss legal issues with the husband: the name of the child, where to register it, etc.

However, if a woman suddenly understands: I want to get married, but the man does not want to get married, a difficult choice appears before the couple.

Why do women want to get married?

First of all, you need to understand why a woman wants to get married. There may be several reasons:

1. Dream of a beautiful holiday. For many girls, a wedding is proof of a man's love. Let the celebration be modest, but with a white dress, surrounded by relatives and friends. And then, it's nice to feel like a beautiful bride in the spotlight.
2. Family upbringing. Most women from childhood absorb the idea that children should be born in an official marriage. And even if they live in a civil union, in the future they still expect marriage registration, especially if the pregnancy has already happened.
3. The rights of the child in a civil marriage. Many women believe that the rights of a child in a civil marriage are infringed.
4. Status. After the wedding, many girls have inner pride from the realization of the fact: I am married! And this gives the woman "weight" in her husband's family. For example, in the case conflict situation with his relatives, no one will dare to say to her: “Who are you here?” If the marriage is formalized, then she will answer: “I am his wife.” And this is an argument! And phrases like “I am his civil wife” will give rise to answers: “We know such wives, one today, another tomorrow.”
5. Convenience in the social sphere. If a woman has a child in a civil marriage, she often experiences discomfort when communicating with the administration in kindergartens, schools, social protection and other official bodies. In such cases, they constantly require some additional information and confirmation, the collection of which takes time and effort. The stamp in the passport eliminates such bureaucratic red tape.

A woman should remember or write down those arguments about official marriage that are important to her. They will be useful to her when talking with her husband.

Why don't men want to get married?

So why don't men want to get married? It must be said that there are men who actively resist registering marriage, according to objective reasons. As a rule, this is due to psychological trauma.

First reason- failed marriage of parents (divorce or "life in scandals"). child who survived similar situation in childhood, he can decide for himself: it is better not to marry than to exist like his parents. And he delays the moment of the wedding as long as possible, driven by the thought that after that discord in his personal life will begin, i.e. he believes that this is how he “saves” his relationship!

The second reason- unsuccessful own official marriage, ending in divorce.

Third reason- self-doubt, in their ability to provide for a family (or remain interesting for their already lawful wife, become a good father, fear of change).

Reason four– alas, he is not sure of his choice.

What to do if a man does not want to marry?

Here much depends on the woman herself, on her wisdom and tact. First of all, you need to know your man, find out true motives his unwillingness to go to the registry office. And this is not an easy task, because men often do not understand this themselves. But if a couple trusting relationship, there are chances to find the necessary information from the stories of your second half about family, friends, dreams and plans. Perhaps he will agree to go to family psychologist to sort out together the reasons for his wife's dissatisfaction and his commitment to the idea of ​​a civil marriage. The main thing here is to be patient and attentive to the partner and his feelings. You shouldn't be interrogating. When the reasons why a man clings to his “freedom” become clear, then you can imagine how to behave in order to improve the situation in the family.

It is not so rare that pregnancy occurs before the couple reaches the registry office. In this case, a woman often hopes that the expectation of a baby will push her partner to take a decisive step. But if this does not happen, and she really wants to receive a marriage proposal, then you should properly prepare for the conversation.

How to agree if you are pregnant

First you need to calm down and tune in to a calm wave. Say to yourself: “I am expecting a child from a loved one, and this in itself is happiness. I still don’t know if he will propose to me or not, but I know for sure that I want to save our relationship. I love him and he is dear to me. Therefore, I will not put pressure on him and blackmail him with pregnancy. If a future dad reacted positively to the news about the replenishment, this is already positive factor. Good, even relationship with a partner, his support is what everyone needs expectant mother. And now - exemplary scheme conversation.

1. Choose a time and place. A man should not be tired or immersed in some worries. You can wait for an "occasion", like a TV report about someone's wedding, but it's not necessary. And do not say in advance (for example, by phone in the afternoon) that you would like to speak in the evening important topic. This will make the man wait for the conversation with tension.
2. Start a conversation. The beginning is very important. Consider what you will say, but skip the lengthy preface. For example, you can start like this: “Once we talked about legitimizing our relationship. I would like to return to this topic.”
3. The foundation is your relationship. During this conversation, the most important thing is to say that you would like to see him as your life partner. Talk about feelings for him, about trust. There is no need to focus on future fatherhood, this is in this case A “weak” argument, because he can be a full-fledged father even in a situation of unmarried. A child living in a civil marriage receives the same paternal love, as in the official.
4. Prepare your arguments ahead of time. A man who does not want to get married will certainly ask what exactly changes the stamp in the passport. You will need to explain why formalizing your marriage is so important to you. This is where writing about why marriage is important to you comes in handy.
5. Don't rush! End the conversation on a positive note. Give your husband some time to reflect by emphasizing that although marriage is very important to you, you respect his every decision. And be prepared to wait. Best of all until the moment when he himself does not raise this topic again.

So the man with whom you live in a civil marriage will receive an impulse that will make him reconsider his views. For some couples, the opportunity to jointly purchase housing becomes such a charge, for others - job prospects open only to married employees, for others, parents or friends help make a decision. The most important thing is to choose the right “key”.

Carefully! Often, women begin to take offense, insist, make scandals on the topic “I am pregnant, I want to get married.” And thus not only do not achieve their goal, but also lose a partner.

The only path that a woman should not take, no matter how strong her desires, is manipulation, deceit and coercion. Of course, each case is individual, but if a woman wants happy, harmonious relations, it will need a thoughtful attitude to the potential legal spouse. After all, even if he categorically for some reason does not want to marry officially, this does not mean that he does not love you or will be a bad dad. This is not at all the case, often in a civil marriage, a man and a woman are very responsible for their relationship, and such a union is in no way inferior to a registered one. So figure it out for a start in yourself, deciding whether you really need an official marriage? Perhaps this is just an established social tradition, which is given too much attention in our society, and you can be happy without the notorious stamps in your passport? And it is quite possible to solve legal problems in other ways (for example, by registering part of the jointly acquired property for you). The main thing is that harmony, respect, trust and, of course, love for each other reign in your couple!

When should you not get married?

• When there is a situation “either we get married, or we disperse.” In this case, perhaps the second option is better, since misunderstandings have most likely accumulated in the relationship, and you cannot erase it with a wedding.
• When there are many obvious conflicts in a relationship that need to be resolved. First resolve the conflicts, and only then you can think about the wedding.
• When less than six months have passed since the meeting and the beginning of the relationship (or better, a year). The term to get to know each other may not be enough.

What is written on

My husband and I signed a week before leaving for maternity leave. He was 40 and I was 31 when I met him. There was no reason to marry. But six months later I got pregnant. At first they did not want to change anything, but closer to the birth they decided that children should be born in a legal marriage. It will be very difficult to explain to a growing child why something in his family is different from others. But this is our opinion. And then, from the point of view of the law, the rights of the child and mother are protected only if legal marriage. Now in the Family Code there is no such thing as a civil marriage.

As a result, there have already been cases when an accident happened to a common-law husband (died), and the wife could not even live in an apartment, since it was registered to her husband, although it was acquired during cohabitation. I don’t want to scare anyone, but you need to think about children right away.

My husband and I have been living in a civil marriage for 6 years now, and I don’t see anything unnatural in this. The main thing is that there is harmony between you. And the conversation about marriage began to rise only now, when he found out that he would be a daddy.

And if we go for it, then only for the sake of our baby. And so, I think, everything is the will of God, only numerous relatives tortured me with questions. At first I was also shy, and then I thought - I don’t have to explain anything to anyone, and if it’s good for us, then so be it.

Today we have to make out such a thing as a common-law husband. Who is that? What rights do civil spouses have? What features should you pay attention to first of all? The thing is that the concept of civil marriage cannot be interpreted unambiguously. In Russia, this term is interpreted in several senses. About all of them will be discussed. Otherwise, you can get confused and not understand what kind of civil marriage we are talking about. There is a legal interpretation, and there is a generally accepted one. Do not confuse these two concepts. But what do they give? What rights and obligations do spouses have in this or that case? About all the features of civil marriage - further.

Laws and codes

The first step is to pay attention to the terminology that is found in Russian codes. - this is an officially registered relationship. They do not imply the participation of the church in the process.

In fact, such a relationship is a union registered in the registry office between a man and a woman. Quite often, such a feature is simply called marriage, without the "civil" component.

Despite this, the full interpretation of the term is found in the legislation and codes of Russia. So a common-law husband is the official husband of a woman, the person with whom she has registered relations with the registry office.

Confirmation

As a confirmation of registration, the newlyweds will be issued a certificate of registration. It indicates the initials of the spouses, what surname will be assigned to the wife, the place of registration of relations and the date of painting. In fact, a civil marriage is an official wedding.

You can play it in Russia from the age of 18. This is a completely voluntary decision of adult citizens. Under certain circumstances, the spouses retain the right to early painting, that is, until the age of majority (at 16 years old). For example, if the future husband and wife are emancipated. Or when pregnancy occurs.

In any case, after painting, the couple is issued a marriage certificate. And since then they are considered an official family. Their relationship is legally registered. Spouses have certain duties and rights, which are regulated by the Family Code. But everyone should know the basics.

Duties and Rights

What are the rights of a civil husband? Exactly the same as the wife. The thing is that, according to the Family Code, spouses in a registered marriage are equal in their rights. But there are still some limitations. The point is that marriage is a serious responsibility. It has special consequences. And this will have to be understood.

What rights do spouses have in a civil marriage? The Family Code of the Russian Federation indicates that:

1. Civil husband and wife have freedom of choice of activity and place of residence. That is, a person can work where he wants. Or not work at all. He also has the right to live in any territory. Usually spouses live together.
2. All questions regarding paternity and motherhood, the upbringing and education of children, the conduct of everyday life and the disposal of property acquired in marriage, occur according to mutual agreement. These topics are being resolved taking into account the equality of citizens.
3. The duties of the spouses include building relationships based on mutual respect and equality. Husband and wife should do everything to improve the welfare of the family, maintain a favorable environment, and also support each other financially. It is most important.
4. The choice of a surname is the right of the spouses. When concluding a marriage, citizens can decide which surname they should take - husband / wife or leave the premarital one. In some cases, it is allowed to combine surnames. Women usually take their husbands' surnames.

But all of the above the only features. AT Family Code contains a lot important norms regarding civil marriage. For what other key points worth paying attention?

Property

For example, on property issues. As practice shows, this topic very often causes controversy, especially in divorce. Many do not know how to divide property. The legislation of the Russian Federation helps to understand this.

There are several types of property in marriage: personal and joint. The first type is everything that was acquired before marriage and registered in the name of one or another spouse. Also, personal property includes everything that was already transferred in marriage under a donation agreement, and is also intended for personal use (clothes, underwear).

But - this is what is acquired in marriage. It doesn't matter who it's for. Personal property is not subject to division during a divorce, common property is divided. And at this point there are some controversies.

According to the law, all common property is divided in a 50/50 ratio, that is, in half. But at the same time, it is possible to establish a special principle for the division of everything jointly acquired. This is done using marriage contract. It is concluded at the notary at any time after the registration of relations in the registry office. It prescribes the rules for the division of property.

Personal and general

A civil wife or husband may recognize personal property (usually real estate) as common. This rule is written in law Russian Federation. In what case is this possible?

If one of the spouses at his own expense (this is important!) has significantly improved the state of the property of the husband / wife, then such property is recognized by the court as joint. For example, if done overhaul in the house or restoration.

It is worth paying attention: the finances that each of the spouses receives in the form of earnings are considered common. But the inheritance and money transferred by donation are personal. This factor will have to be taken into account.

About inheritance

Inheritance of a civil husband or civil wife usually not recognized common property. In fact, this property is what was supposed to be before marriage. But under certain circumstances (which have already been mentioned) it is possible to convert the inheritance into common property.

In addition, you should pay attention: civil spouses are If the husband/wife dies, then part of the property is inherited by the wife/husband, respectively. Also, the parents of the deceased and all the children of the person, both adults and minors, claim the property.

There are no more features. It can be said that a civil husband has the right to act as an heir after the death of his wife, and vice versa. But only if the relationship was really officially registered.

About children

Issues related to children, mostly minors, require special attention. All children born to a couple in a civil marriage are automatically recognized as common. That is, the husband, even if he is not biological father, will be entered in the presence of a marriage certificate in the first document of the child as a father.

If the marriage is not the first, then the children of the civil husband or wife from old relationship are stepsons and stepdaughters. They are not considered relatives to the next spouses. No rights or responsibilities for raising a child new wife no.

In order for the child of one of the spouses to be officially considered the baby of the couple equally, it is necessary to go through the adoption procedure. Then the rights of the mother are assigned to the wife (if the man has children from a previous marriage). And she, along with her husband, will have to take care of the minor, raise him as his own. Without adoption, children from previous marriages are strangers to new spouses.

It is worth noting: no one removes responsibility for the maintenance and care of a native child, even after a new marriage. And if the common-law husband had minor children earlier, he will have to pay at least maintenance for maintenance. Him, but not his new wife.

Popular understanding

Nevertheless, it has already been said: there is a different interpretation of civil marriage. Officially registered relationships among people are simply called "marriage". And under civil quite often understand the usual cohabitation.

Thus, a common-law wife is a man. The couple leads a common life, can plan children, but they are not tied official relations. For some (especially men), this technique is very convenient. Why?

If you think about what rights a common-law wife has, then you can answer - none. Only those that each person has personally. But as a wife, a woman has no rights, just as a man does not have the rights of a husband. In this case, a woman usually performs all the functions real wife- provides a life, quite often earns money and distributes it for "family" needs. But cohabitation does not imply any responsibility to each other. People are in a relationship of the type "want-dispersed."

Such "spouses" cannot act as heirs, the property is considered to belong to the one to whom it is registered. No responsibility. Cohabitation, or, as it is called, civil marriage, is the illusion of a family. In fact, two strangers simply live in the same apartment.

What to choose

Many people think what is better - a civil marriage or cohabitation (in the legal sense). It's hard to decide. It all depends on the intentions of the people. The civil husband is the official representative of the family, hope and support. A person who is responsible for children and wife. A cohabitant is simply a man being cared for by a woman.

The official conclusion of relations is their logical continuation. This is the true creation of a family. However, cohabitation is an intermediate period between the stages of "just a couple" and "official family". It is recommended not to delay it. And formalize the relationship officially in the registry office.

The most important thing is not to confuse what kind of understanding of civil marriage we are talking about. The legislative framework these concepts are very different. And you need to remember: only officially registered relationships give spouses certain rights and obligations!