Male opinion: “You can be friends with a woman, but under certain conditions...”.

I have always wondered why people, when they break up, in most cases cannot remain friends. After all, at a certain point in their lives, for some reason they chose each other, loved each other, walked hand in hand together. And in best case scenario ex-spouses just communicate coldly and rarely. And sometimes terrible hostility appears.

I have determined for myself following reasons bad relationship after the breakup. For some, this reason is material squabbles. Someone is simply angry out of resentment that he was betrayed. And someone is simply put into strict boundaries by the new half of their ex or ex.

For a long time I didn’t understand why can't exes be friends?, Why a good relationship after a divorce are rare until you find yourself in such a situation.

Example of my friends

Our closest friends got married a month after us. They seemed like the perfect couple to me. Both are cheerful and easy-going. One could say about each of them – the soul of the company. It was great talking to them! You always get some bit of positivity.

The guys have been married for 5 years. Before that, they dated for 6 years. It seems that they have gotten used to each other and are accustomed to each other. They had a baby, whom they could not conceive for a long time. And it seems to live and be happy!

But one day I find out that they are getting divorced. Honestly, I was shocked! I even cried. I only had a daughter then, and I wanted to invite them to visit to introduce them to my sunshine. And they categorically refused to come to us at the same time. And in the voices of each of this once perfect couple I heard undisguised hostility towards my ex-partner.

After some time, I met a friend who had already become ex-wife our friend. It turned out that the guys practically do not communicate with each other. The conflict arose against the backdrop of the division of property and the struggle for alimony. And something I didn’t expect at all, our friend even tried to take the child away and take it for yourself.

As a result, enmity, undisguised hatred, constant reproaches. And once upon a time they were a bright, cheerful couple...

My experience

Unfortunately, an unpleasant moment has come in my life. My husband and I decided to get a divorce. But despite all this, we communicated well with him, tried for a long time to get out of the crisis... But it didn’t help. And when we were getting divorced, we decided that we would help each other and support each other. Despite everything! After all, we are family, we have a common child.

We didn't even think about hostility. We had no material disputes. Somehow everything was kind, smooth, mutual agreement. In general, we decided to be friends.

Everything would be fine if he didn’t get involved in our relationship new passion. She categorically did not accept the fact that her other half had past life. She was incredibly jealous of him for me. She did not want to communicate with the child. In general, on her part there was complete rejection of our normal relationship.

It took me a long time to get into the position ex-spouse, didn't pay attention. Until it started ruining my life.

Constant attacks by mail from his girlfriend, bans on visiting his child for his birthday. By the way, my ex-husband moved to her city 1000 kilometers away from us. And naturally the visits became very rare - once every three months.

The last point was that they came to our city together, and he didn’t even deign to come see the child, because he was prohibited and they had excursions.

With this I ended our friendship. I concluded that the person did not really struggle to communicate with us. And by his actions he showed both me and her how unimportant our good relationship was to him.

I stopped communicating, and he didn’t even try to resume it. And I found my answer to why exes can’t be friends.

If you have experienced a breakup with your significant other, what is your relationship like now?

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We talked about this with expert in the field of interpersonal relationships, practicing psychologist, Yulia Kuzmina.

Maya Milich, “AiF.ru”: Is there friendship between a man and a woman?

Yulia Kuzmina: Friendship between a man and a woman does not exist. Most often, a woman then suffers from such relationships. If a woman is free, then she is in search of her young man, and is always in certain expectations. Starting to communicate with a man, she begins to get used to his presence. A man is designed in such a way that he immediately determines what he wants or does not want from a person. Of course, unless he has a hidden intention to have some kind of on-duty or “weekend” relationship. A man understands himself better, who he needs, and he is more likely to allow a female friend to be close to him. Most often, what a woman calls friendship is more like friendship without obligations for a man.

Even after an affair has already taken place, it is best to transform the relationship into a friendly one and understand that there is no friendship between a man and a woman. There are friendly relations. You need to understand that an element of friendship is still respect, some kind of interaction.

M.M., “AiF.ru”: So friends of opposite sexes always balance on the brink of falling in love on one side or the other?

Yu.K.: Certainly. You can't command nature. In theory, falling in love can be on both sides, and some things can be completely unconscious. For friendship and respect we are responsible for to a greater extent consciousness, and it lays down some things like: “No, I decided to be alone,” or the girl says: “I’m searching now.” At the same time, a memory of a specific person may still live in her soul, but her soul is already asking for a new object. And when a new harmless object appears who treats her with respect and understands her, then the woman begins to develop a certain inner feeling and the desire for that same love.

In addition, friends cannot help but like each other's appearance. Friends are people with whom we unconsciously share interests, outlook on life, temperament or approach to life.

Learning to be friends

M.M., “AiF.ru”: How married man How to properly build your relationship with a female friend so that your wife does not get jealous? That is, only support friendly relations and prevent women from becoming an “alternate airfield”?

Yu.K.: If you are married and already have a female friend, then at least, it is worth clearly understanding that you have already officially decided on your positions relative to each other.

But the fact is that men are somewhat gullible. They believe that if they once agreed with a woman to be friends, then they can tell her about their love and personal affairs, and consult. But, if you have a wife or just a lover, then main advice for a man - very carefully, prudently, from time to time check with your female friend that between you there is friendship and only friendship. It is very important to maintain and maintain distance, so that later there is no “cold” war, so that one day you don’t have to tell a woman friend: “I don’t know what you came up with for yourself.” Because a woman may perceive your friendship as a promise of something more, and in the end it will be you who will become uncomfortable in this relationship, the entire burden of guilt and personal dissatisfaction will be on you.

Every girl, sooner or later, may have the idea that such a wonderful, wonderful man can be more than a friend to her. And the gender mechanism will turn on, flirting will begin. These are all steps in one direction - desire, passion and love.

Therefore, in friendship with a woman, it is important to keep your distance and periodically clarify the format of the relationship, because a woman lives and acts more unconsciously. Therefore, for her, the transition from friendship to love can happen unconsciously and without warning. And if this happens, then it will be you who she will complain about.

M.M., “AiF.ru”: What can friendship with a woman give a man?

Yu.K.: I’ll probably say a terrible thing now, but this is the same thing that communication with a psychologist gives: relaxation, understanding of something that interests a man in a gender issue, emotional support, “swaddling”, when, for example, a woman says: “ Yes, she didn't appreciate you. You're so cool".

It's certainly awash in support. Some of what I named can be called the word “vest,” but there are different phases of emotional support, when a man comes and reasons. What do friends usually say? “Don’t worry. Nonsense. She will appreciate you later.” A girl will say the same thing to her friend, but we support our friends.

Of course, friendship with a woman is an expansion of competence. A man, communicating with a female friend, begins to receive more information about the world of women in general. About how to be popular correctly, how to manipulate correctly. We tell it ourselves important secrets about yourself to your male friends. And they, reading between the lines, understand how they can influence us to achieve what they want faster and easier.

For many people, friendship between women seems to be just a myth that you want to believe in, but it is difficult to trust.

Friendships are based on trust. And the fact of trust of one representative of the sex in relation to another woman is very often called into question for the simple reason that every woman feels in any other woman more of a rival than someone who can be trusted with her happiness, secrets and fears.
All this can only be entrusted to a friend.

Communicating with people, maintaining a conversation, showing your goodwill, evoking reciprocal gratitude, does not mean that there are only friends around.
But women have friends, no matter how good a woman’s relationship with a man is, representatives of the fair sex still prefer to share their girlish secrets with their friends.

This fact is a strong argument that female friendship occurs.

After all, it is with a girlfriend that you can talk about anything, discuss intimate topics, male strengths and weaknesses. Only a friend will honestly put all your dreams on the shelves and help you take them off. pink glasses, she will substitute hers in a friendly way female shoulder, in which you can honestly cry. A friend will let you wear hers on a date favorite dress and shoes, will help you apply makeup and do your hair, and will expertly tell you how to behave correctly on the first date and what you can allow on the second.

Regardless of how many years women have been friends and what age they are, a friend is allowed a lot. Sometimes even the husband begins to realize that his wife’s friend is a full-fledged member of the family and is directly involved in the decision important issues. Even the wife’s friend decides that it’s time to have children or a lover. In fact, there are a lot of such moments associated with a friend.

Therefore, there should be no doubt about the existence of friendship between women. But is everything so simple and clear? After all, not every girlfriend is a personal one faithful friend, many only pretend to be so.

How can you tell if a friend is a friend?

1. A true friend, when providing help, does not expect gratitude and does not benefit from the current situation. She will not reproach her for having once helped. But it is worth remembering that, like any normal person When providing a service, it implies a reciprocal step if necessary. After all, considering herself a friend, she hopes for mutual friendly relations.
2. A true friend will not focus on the help provided, nor will she mention the inconveniences she experienced while providing support. This indicates selflessness on her part.
3. A true friend will not savor with other people the unpleasant facts from the life of a woman with whom she maintains sincere friendly relations.
4. A very significant plus for a real friend is that she will never interfere in the relationship of a girl, whom she considers her girlfriend, with a man. She will not act as a rival.
5. All criticism coming from a friend is constructive. A friend won't say bad things just because she feels like it. She will certainly bring arguments to an unpleasant fact, but at the same time she will provide the opportunity to independently accept important decision, without pressuring with your authoritative opinion.
6. A true friend will always support you difficult situation, will join in a dispute if the forces with the enemy are not equal, or will try to help find a solution that will allow you to get out of unpleasant situation with less losses. After all, when you’re with a friend, you’re not afraid to lose.

In friendships between women, it is important to remember that not only a friend should always be faithful and sincere, but also that this same friend deserves a friendly attitude.

Some tips for civilized conflict resolution

The mother complains: one daughter is 12 years old, the other is 7, and they quarrel all the time. It would seem that they are sisters, but no, the world does not accept them. They argue about everything. The eldest, although reluctantly, eventually gives in. Most often, after the intervention of the mother, who appeals to consciousness: “After all, you are older. So act smarter."

At the same time, the little one imitates her sister in many ways, copies her behavior and manners. So does being older mean authority to her? No, it turns out that one has nothing to do with the other. The quarrels continue. How to stop them? - asks the mother.

I must say, this is a fairly common situation. When several children live under one roof, they rarely get along peacefully. Parents have to hear every now and then: “You love him more than me.” “Why does she go to the movies with friends, and I have to stay at home?”, “They bought Mishka a new backpack, but I go with a tattered one.” And sometimes some heartbreaking remark will be heard like: “How I wish I didn’t have a brother! Born on my head!

It is wrong to believe that there is some kind of brotherly and sisterly love predetermined by nature. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes not. Children are not born with instinct special treatment to your brothers and sisters. This attitude can develop as they grow together. But it may not appear. It depends on thousands various reasons- family “climate”, parents’ attitude, completely random circumstances. Children have a lot to argue and fight about. Sometimes it seems to the older child that with the advent of younger brother or his sisters and parents will love him less. They “fight” because they cannot share - toys, a computer, a place at the table. Sometimes these conflicts are resolved relatively easily. And sometimes they develop into long-term hostility.

So blood relations- not a guarantee of good relations. Anything can happen in life, and this has been the case since the creation of the world. Remember the story of the sons of Adam and Eve - Cain and Abel. How did it end? IN biblical legend There is a lesson for today's parents: do not ignore what is happening between your children, and try to tactfully and intelligently intervene in their relationships and teach them how to resolve conflicts in a civilized manner.

Game theory

It is best not to get involved in children's disputes, to give them the opportunity to sort it out and resolve differences themselves. But sometimes this is appropriate, especially if we are not talking about direct intervention, but about guiding your children on the right path. Particularly when it comes to games. Kids are acutely, sometimes inconsolably, worried when they lose. Therefore, it is necessary to offer them games where there is no clear defeat. Eg, Board games, like Monopoly. Another option: a team of children competes against a team of adults. This unites, unites small players and eliminates rivalry between them.

Another useful tactic is to change the rules depending on the level of the participants. Let's say you are playing “words”. According to the rules, strictly speaking, it is necessary to name nouns in the singular, in the nominative case, and not proper names. But for six-year-old Vitya, who does not yet know grammar, you can make concessions and count any words, even if they are pronounced incorrectly. It will still be useful to him. Or let's say you're playing basketball. Let eight-year-old Robik, who received the ball and missed his first throw, make another or even more. Of course, his 13-year-old brother Eric will begin to protest against such " double standards" Reassure him, tell him that dishonest refereeing has nothing to do with it, and remind him what it was like when he was little and lost. After all, a game is entertainment, fun, especially exciting if the capabilities of the participants are equal. Of course, it is very important to teach to accept defeat without tears, with dignity. A skill that will be very useful in later life. Therefore, set your child up to the fact that he may lose.

Parents magazine consultant and author of a number of popular books on pedagogy, Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, gives this example. Your little daughter wants to play checkers with her older brother. Warn her in advance: “Brother will most likely win because he has a lot of checkers experience. Someday, when you get older, you will have this experience too.”

From everyday chronicles

Your oldest criticizes all the time little brothers and sisters. You need to intervene and clarify what is acceptable in the family and what is not. If he uses offensive words, for example, he shouts to his sister, “You are a fool,” you just need to stop this, say that you will not tolerate this at home. If the vocabulary is normal, but the tone is offensive, ask them to say the same thing, but in a different way, explain that if you need to correct someone’s behavior, you should initially tune in to positive mood and present criticism without hurting your ego. For example, start with “Nice try” and then explain why it failed.

Your schoolchild demonstrates his success, but your younger preschooler brother thinks that he will never be able to achieve the same. You are tempted to downplay the elder's achievements so as not to hurt the preschooler's feelings. But don't give in to temptation. This will cause double harm. Firstly, it will be unfair to the student, and he will suffer from undeserved insult. Secondly, this is also unpedagogical in relation to the younger one, since in his eyes it devalues ​​the efforts necessary to achieve the goal. Here's an example. 14-year-old Misha is a good gymnast. He, say, can easily do a somersault or do a handstand. 5-year-old Seryozha watches him with envy. Let Misha demonstrate his skills without any restrictions in front of the whole family. Praise him. Seryozha wants to repeat his brother’s somersaults, tries to stand on his hands, falls, hits his head, and cries. Tell him: “Do you want to do a handstand like your big brother? Over time, you will succeed too. You just need to constantly train.”

The younger sister idolizes the older one, but she pays zero attention to the baby. Invite 9-year-old Alice to read books to 6-year-old Lena before bed. Both girls will communicate more, and mom will have more time for some of her own affairs. Will it work out right away? Quite possible. Repeat your efforts and, quite possibly, you will achieve your goal. This is exactly what the already mentioned Dr. Kennedy-Moore did. She convinced her 10-year-old daughter to “work” as a babysitter for her 7-year-old brother for one hour a day. She even went so far as to pay the girl for her work if the boy confirmed that he had a good time with his sister. “It motivated her to be kind to him. And she herself was proud of what she was doing,” says Kennedy-Moore. “In this way, a precedent was established that proved that they could enjoy each other’s company.”

What they can't share

Friction between siblings is a natural part of the growing process. This is partly due to differences in personality and age. Part of it is a scramble for resources that are limited in the family, be it the bathroom, the telephone, or the last piece of pie on the plate. Children often fight among themselves to attract the attention of their parents. And what more parents busy with their own affairs, the less they are able to provide individual approach to each of his offspring. The situation becomes especially aggravated when a new child is born. In such cases, it is not easy for the elders to come to terms with the idea that they are no longer the center of the Universe in the family. And they react accordingly.

Here are some tips from pedagogical periodicals:

Try to anticipate in advance what the children's needs and interests will require of you. special attention. Teach them to the idea that not everything and not always can be “fair” and “equal.” Sometimes one child needs more than another.

Make sure that each child has their own space and time in the house for personal activities. This includes the opportunity to play and communicate with friends without the participation of a brother or sister and to do things independently without feeling the need to share toys.

Try to spend your leisure time together as a family whenever possible. Since, as already mentioned, children often fight among themselves for parental attention, having fun together will help ease the tension.

Don't play favorites. Even if in fact one of the children is the instigator, and the other is an angel, do not focus attention on this, do not compare them, do not set them as an example: “Why don’t you behave like Masha”? This will only cause rejection. When one of your children is given preference, it is not only bad for them, but also harms your relationship with your children.

How can parents love their children equally or make differences? A proponent of the first point of view is Mehmed Oz, a famous doctor, professor of surgery at Columbia University Medical Center. He is also a best-selling author and host of the popular television program The Dr. Oz Show. Dr. Oz advises parents to accept differences in children's temperaments as a given, even if they grow up under the same roof. “My four children are incredibly different, just as there are big differences between me and my siblings,” says Mehmed Oz. - But you should treat them the same way. It may be easier to enthusiastically applaud (often literally) a child who excels as an athlete or dancer than one whose talents are evident in math or science. And charismatic, cheerful kids charm faster than silent “bugs.” But remember: you must support all your children equally, regardless of their temperamental and behavioral characteristics.”

However, among American psychologists there is a completely opposite point of view: in parental love there should be no “levelling”. Fathers and mothers should take a close look at the character traits of their children and “measure” them this or that portion of love, depending on their individuality, character and temperament.

Which point of view should you prefer? There is probably no definite answer. It's best to trust your parent's instincts and choose the right line behavior taking into account the specific situation in the family.

Send your questions to

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Can a man and a woman, a boy and a girl, be “just friends”? Perhaps no other issue has caused so much debate. However, there is still no answer to it. Experience shows that relationships without romance between men and women are quite possible - they live, work and have fun side by side, somehow managing not to start a romantic relationship.

However, there remains the possibility that platonic coexistence is only a façade, behind which there is seething sexual passions. New research shows that this is more true than we think. Men and women are capable of friendship, but romance is just waiting to pounce on them at the most inopportune moment.

To explore the idea of ​​the viability of friendship between a man and a woman, a boy and a girl, the researchers selected 88 different-sex pairs of students and brought them to ... a scientific laboratory. The main condition was compliance with one rule: all study participants were sure that their friend was really friends with them, and did not harbor any romantic feelings. To ensure the integrity of the subjects, the psychologists not only followed all the necessary anonymity protocols, but also asked the students not to discuss details of the study with each other even after it was over and they left the research center.

After this, the pairs were separated, and each “half” was asked a series of questions regarding its romantic feelings(or lack thereof) to your partner. The findings showed huge gender differences in how boys and girls interpreted friendships. Men, for example, were much more likely to admit that they liked their girlfriends. And more often they mistakenly believed that their friends were also attracted to them.

At the same time, the assessment of men had practically nothing to do with what women actually thought, and depended only on what the representatives of the stronger sex themselves thought about themselves. That is, they considered the feelings they experienced to be mutual, but did not notice the actual level of romantic interest on the part of their friends. The girls, in turn, underestimated the degree to which their friends were attracted to them.

Further, men, in accordance with their romantic delusions, were more often inclined to act in a lyrical direction. Almost all subjects dreamed of going on a date with their girlfriend., regardless of whether she had a second half or not, women gave great importance It was precisely because of the status of friendship that they did not pretend to have romantic relationships with those of their friends who had lovers.

This proves that friendships with women are not easy for men, and confirms slightly naive stereotypes about sex-hungry men and naive women. Even in the most platonic relationship men still see plenty of opportunities for romance, while women, on the contrary, exclude all romantic overtones from communication with their friend.

To an outside observer it may seem that such different views on the potential romantic relationships can lead to serious complications in friendship. Indeed, in a previous study of 249 men and women, subjects were more likely to rate the likelihood that a friendship would develop into love. negative aspects friendship. Differences between men and women also emerged here: representatives of the stronger sex were four times more likely to name romantic interest as one of the advantages of friendship with a woman.

The results of both studies show that men and women understand the phrase “just being friends” completely differently. And such a discrepancy in views poses a potential threat to further communication. Can representatives of the two sexes be sincere friends? If everyone thought like women, then yes. But if everyone shared the views of men, then soon our planet would face an overpopulation crisis.