Marriage: Where did the love go? Where does love go? What stages of a relationship does a couple in love go through?

Where does love go? Male gaze

Love lasts three years - this is what a number of psychologists say. A French publicist Frederick Begbeder he even contributed to the popularization of this topic, devoting an entire novel to it about the initial doom of any attachment. Is this true? Is it really true that after just three years, something that was so strong and all-encompassing simply up and dies? Perhaps so. But maybe love doesn’t go anywhere, it just takes on a completely different form?

First year- this is the so-called “candy-bouquet” period, full of euphoria, enthusiasm, happiness, joy, when the world, together with the person you love in it, are exclusively colored pink tones, and emotions and adrenaline overwhelm so much that sometimes it is impossible to eat or sleep. Almost every person has had such a period in their lives, and most of us can say that this is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

But, of course, to constantly be in pink glasses impossible, and closer to second year, changes are happening. Euphoria gradually goes away, emotions no longer create a storm, but only slight excitement, and the heart, at the sight of a loved one, no longer jumps out of the chest, but only begins to beat slightly faster. The feeling of novelty gradually wears off, and the partner’s shortcomings begin to emerge, and the first quarrels arise.

Yes, she, of course, is incredibly beautiful, but why didn’t you notice before that she takes such an impossibly long time to get ready and for some reason chats so loudly on the phone with her friends at the very moment when you asked her on a date? And although he remains charming and interesting as before, in reality he turned out to be not as attentive and courteous as I thought at first: he stopped giving flowers, and no, no, he’ll forget about joint dates.

However, the second year of a relationship also has its advantages: more and more common memories and experiences appear, people become closer friend friend, the excitement and stiffness that may still be present in the first year go away. It is in the second year of a relationship that people most often begin to live together and start a family.

But the second year follows third, a crisis, after which, again according to psychologists, love should burn out in agony. What happens? Probably the whole point is that there is a gradual getting used to everything good that is in the relationship, getting used to each other. Good things turn into commonplace and everyday things, are taken for granted and cease to bring the joy that they used to bring. And the bad, which, of course, happens in any relationship, becomes more noticeable because it is more difficult to get used to. This is where endless conflicts begin.

It is at this moment that it seems to people that love is gone. Maybe that's true. And this is exactly what happens for most couples.

But there are those who overcome this crisis and stay together. What happens to their love? Is she really that resilient? Their love does not die, it changes and is reborn, becoming something more than just passion and love, the most true affection and kinship of souls.

Of course, this is an idyllic picture, and, unfortunately, love can die much later. more years than three years. And even mature love is a kinship of souls (the ancient Greeks called it Agape) can also, unfortunately, end.

So who is to blame for this? Probably ourselves. We are too accustomed to dwelling on the bad, not seeing the good, we are too rational in our approach to what we just need to feel, we are too focused on ourselves, and not on the one who is next to us. We're getting used to it. And we forget to be sincere, we forget to please each other, we forget to cherish each other and appreciate every moment spent together. But for some reason we never forget to note the shortcomings, get offended, get angry and defend “our rights.” It turns out that we ourselves often kill love, which could live for a very long time.

Or maybe if love died, that means it wasn’t real or it wasn’t destined to live long? Maybe so, then you should simply be glad that everything happened so timely, and you have a new feeling ahead, which will certainly be real and for the rest of your life “until death do us part.”

We have all, at least once, at least somehow experienced love - it is a burning feeling. We have all experienced the feeling when love for us disappears, goes away - when “everything is gone,” “when you don’t want to live.” Or the feeling when our love has left, disappeared - when it’s simple, “yes, what I found in her, in him, found.”

That is, ladies and gentlemen, the question is: Why and how did it happen that I loved, loved, but “now”? - stands or stood in front of everyone.

Just like the question: Why did they stop loving me? In front of everyone who has ever loved and been loved, are there others among adequate, and even not so good, people?

What's the problem? If we love and are loved, then we rise to the heights of our lives - we live, feeling the fullness of life - feelings, passions, sensation - “this is life.”

If we feel and see, we understand that love is disappearing, leaving, we are plunged into the abyss: from “she, he, doesn’t love me,” to, excuse me, “there is no happiness in life.”

Question: Why does love disappear and go away?

Love disappears, leaves - is it feelings or relationships? – I personally see it as a philosophical question.

But, ladies and gentlemen, let us agree that, even without possessing the “philosophical dialectics” way of thinking, based on our purely everyday and life experience, we can all wonder: What is love? Feelings or relationships?

And not only think about it, but also, if desired, answer. Well, like this:

1. What came first, love - a feeling or a relationship? What happens in life? And feelings and love relationship, suddenly, all at once, they come. That's how it is, isn't it? BUT, here goes further.

2. Love disappears, leaves. Why!? – after all, if there was no feeling of happiness, then “everything was so great!”

3. My feeling of love disappeared, and I stopped (I stopped) treating him, her, as a loved one.
Stop! - because, right here, we are getting closer to the truth: Why does love disappear, go away?

4. My feeling of love for to this person: husband, wife, lover, mistress, or has my attitude towards my husband, wife, mistress, lover changed?

That is: I stopped, stopped loving them? Or: I no longer treat them with LOVE, as a wife, husband, lover, mistress?

Love, feelings and reality disappear, disappear

Let us, ladies and gentlemen, women and men, think in terms of realities, and not what has been shoved into our consciousness in the form of herd-promoted thinking and what we ourselves have imagined, due to our stupidity and limited knowledge.

What is love? It's a feeling, definitely. What is love? This is an attitude towards a loved one, definitely. What is the situation when love disappears and leaves? – it’s either feelings or relationships that have disappeared.

That's all: this is why you need to dance.

1. Feelings have disappeared. It doesn’t matter why: the hormones stopped playing or you discovered that “love was a mistake.” The main thing is that the feeling of love is no longer there. There is no love, you don’t feel it anymore, which means that the relationship with this person will be of any kind: from hatred to indifference, but not love.

2. Relationships have deteriorated. It doesn’t matter what you imagine about your feeling of love: love or hate, or something close to it. The important thing is that your relationship has changed: I no longer love him, her! – and, most importantly, I no longer behave as loving and loved.

3. You feel that love is disappearing, leaving. What feeling or relationship has disappeared?

4. If you are sane, then any of your feelings are adequate - they correspond to your attitude towards the object of feeling. That is, if you feel your love or love for yourself, then this corresponds to your loving attitude or loving attitude towards you.

5. But, the existential reality of the relationship between a man and a woman is, most often, that they cannot, are unable, or do not want to express their love relationship. This is the essence of the question: Where and why does love disappear and go?

6. Everything turns out to be simply outrageous: A husband, wife, lover, mistress CANNOT behave like loved ones and loving ones, in their existential incarnation.

7. And since they don’t behave like that - they don’t show, don’t show their love in relationships, then love disappears and leaves.

8. After all, a feeling is a reaction to reality. There is no love relationship - love is not visible in actions, in words - in life: love disappears, leaves as a feeling, and is replaced by some other feeling for this person.

For example: indifference, hatred, contempt, and the like. And this new feeling will form new relationships between former loving and beloved men and women.

Love disappears, leaves because relationships kill it

Love is a strong feeling.

Why? Because it establishes close and intimate, personal and gender-sexual relationships between men and women.

That is why, by the way, it is strong in its antagonisms: hatred, contempt, indifference, if the feeling of love has turned into its opposite.

And here it is, the truth - tragic, topical, relevant for most men and women: Love disappears, leaves, because love relationships disappear - relationships of love.

That is, stupidly and primitively, the husband, wife, lover, mistress, cease to treat the husband, wife, lover, mistress as LOVED AND LOVING.

And they begin to treat, under the pressure of everyday life and their own stupidity and thoughtlessness, as a mistress, as a source of money, as a sexual partner, as the father of his children, and so on and so forth.

And that’s it: love disappears, goes away, as a feeling that does not correspond to a real relationship: they do not love either the wife, as such, or the husband, as such, if they show themselves in relationships as anything but loved and loving people.

Love does not live in any relationship except love - that’s the whole essence of the problem, where love disappears, goes. That is: either you love - you feel love and, accordingly, build a relationship of love, or you do not love and do not build a relationship of love. There is no other option.

Where does love go, why and why .

Wedding. The young people happily look at each other with loving eyes. Shouts of “Bitter!” A sea of ​​guests, gifts, everyone wishes you happiness and love...

A year and a half passes. There is no loving look, two almost strangers do not even want to communicate, and cannot understand how it happened that they are together.

It is important for young people to understand that family life completely different from the period of dating and courtship. Essentially two different people, each with their own character, habits and rhythm of life, begin to live together, with one household, common finances and family responsibilities.

Don't start your family life by setting your own rules.. Try to distribute family responsibilities together. Of course, this does not mean that only the wife should do all the housework; learn to do everything together, cook dinner, clean the apartment, go shopping. Give each other the right to choose.

So before you say bad word, or commit an offensive act, think, would you like to be treated like this? Of course not. Therefore, periodically put yourself in the place of your loved one, try to think the same way.

Support each other. Take an interest in success in work and study. Consult, worry, sympathize...

Where does love go?

It doesn’t go anywhere, you just need to constantly maintain this “fire”.

Play an important role intimate relationships. Surprise each other, experiment, come up with something “new”. Your partner will always appreciate it. Innovations in intimate life will add a new twist to your relationship.

Spend more time together. No need to lie on the couch all weekend. Travel, have fun, go out into nature. There is no need to spend time boring and gray.

Live life to the fullest! Love it! And then love will not go anywhere!

psycho- olog. ru

IN Lately, the question is - why does love leave? - is happening more and more often. Probably many people have been touched by this kind of misfortune in their lives. Some experienced this in their youth, others in mature age, but everyone who was touched by this still feels, remembering this, pain, a nagging feeling of loneliness, perhaps a longing for lost love and once upon a time to a loved one. Someone experiences resentment, not understanding why this happened to him, why another person caused him such pain. Why did love leave, what was the reason for separation, divorce?

When we remember our love, every happy and unhappy person probably likes the beginning of love most of all. The purest moments when we first looked into each other's eyes, first dates, amazing moments of one person revealing themselves to another. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and for some, years of trust, this amazing intimacy when we consider a person the most extraordinary, the most irresistible.

And suddenly this amazing feeling disappears. On the one hand or on both, in place of trust, almost deification of the other, comes, to put it mildly, very sober look to the one we considered our soulmate. First, this is a sober look with an understanding of the features, shortcomings, dependencies, weak points, expected human reactions. And then suddenly - once, and a completely clear consciousness arises that this person is not just the same as everyone else - ordinary, but maybe in some ways big disadvantages It has. And then, unbeknownst to us, our blinding or deification of the other passes, and a rational negative perception of the other remains. We stop seeing the other person; for us he is either something incomprehensible, unpredictable, or something with a minus sign. We lock ourselves in our closets of grievances, and apparent love goes nowhere. At this moment, the other person suddenly discovers that he is no longer so comfortable in the field of our relationship.

I often come across complaints from women that are very similar to each other. These complaints usually contain the motive that the beloved man is not at all what he seemed, he did not live up to expectations at all. The wife waits for him to bring her roses or bread from the store, but he comes sick and drunk.

If initially there was acceptance of the other, simply because he exists, he is with you, then suddenly a different phase of the relationship suddenly begins. We begin to perceive another person based on what he does for us, how he meets our expectations and requirements. This is the threshold beyond which there is no more love.

I, as a person who has also experienced something similar, now, at 48 years old, want to ask myself a question - what do we mean by the word “love”? What exactly is leaving? I'm reminded beautiful words Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, Paisius the Holy Mountain about true love. And when we compare their definitions with our love, we are often surprised to discover that what we call love is more like blindness. We usually do not have true love, as a willingness to accept another completely, to work to understand and forgive him, to work to change him and ourselves.

We would like love to be only joy, only emotion, only a gift. But I look around and see very few among my friends happy families. And all happy couples, who have been living together for more than one year, who appreciate, love, understand and accept the other half, almost all have experienced crises, but these people work every day. That is why their love is real.

Therefore, when I return to the question of why love leaves, I say: I do not believe that love can leave if it is love.

Something else is going away, and you need to think about what is happening to yourself? How to love yourself? And how to learn to love another?

Irina Karpenko

All happy stories imply that if family happiness has already been achieved, then there is nothing further to wish for. What more could you want? Only stormy joy, love fusion, unity of hearts - and nothing else awaits the young.

Since childhood, we have been fascinated by wonderful tales about beautiful love their heroes. We worry when heroes cannot unite for a long time, when they are separated by greedy brothers, cruel villains and wayward kings. We sincerely rejoice when the stately prince accomplishes his feats and wins the main reward of his life - a charming princess. And we always do not attach importance to the fact that usually all fairy tales end with the reunion of the young after long ordeals and hardships, with the fact that they lived happily ever after, with the wedding of the young prince and the princess and with words about honey and beer. And not only the people in their work, but also all the classics of the genre are in no hurry to continue the plot after the climax. The most striking examples of such stories: Captain Gray with his girlfriend, the charming Bear with suicidal tendencies with the Princess from Ordinary Miracle, and all the other happy couple stories, right up to the story of Gena’s relationship with Cheburashka.

In all happy stories it is implied that if family happiness Having already been achieved, there is nothing further to wish for. What more could you want? Only stormy joy, love fusion, unity of hearts - and nothing else awaits the young. And we, raised from childhood on love stories From these fairy tales, books, films, we accept the culminating idyll as a completely understandable norm of life. How else? After all, the main thing is to find this very REAL love. And then you will be happy all your life! And the fact that Captain Gray, perhaps a year after the wedding, chased Assol around the deck, beat her to death, and then drank the ship and abandoned the unfortunate Assol, history, along with the author, is bashfully silent. We are not supposed to know this. After all, if you loved and then suddenly stopped loving, it means it was not real love. Because Real love- ETERNAL! So you get it main task your personal life? We are looking for ETERNAL LOVE! We don’t buy into false, unreal “loves” - and we tirelessly search for our “soul mate” and eternal love.

Remember the legend of androgynes? In ancient times, the gods, in order to take revenge on them for disrespect, divided people into two parts and scattered them throughout the world. Since then, people have been looking for their soul mates, and not everyone is destined to find their soul mate. But there is a chance! Seek and you will find! Beautiful? Do you believe it? No? What about deep down? Well, it is precisely this hope that drives us in search of true love. I have repeatedly met people who directly voice this mythical belief:

Yes, I broke up. But he seemed to love him very much. But I was deceived. It wasn't true love! And not mine real soul mate. But the real one is walking around somewhere. Do you think I'll meet? There is nothing to do, I will look.

I believe that the legend of androgynes is one of the most harmful myths of humanity. There are countless people who regularly fall for this hook and become disappointed in people and relationships over and over again. How many destinies and hearts have been crippled by this legend and other similar tales! It is they who instill in people a naive belief in eternal and HOLY love! To some extent, every person is a victim of this mythology. Didn't you have a big and pure love at least once in your life? Many have had it more than once. And every time I sincerely believe that I have met my one/my one/one. And you fly on wings, and you love enthusiastically, you become attached, and you can’t live without your beloved/beloved, and everything is fine, and everything is wonderful, and everything... everything... everything... And then... Where does it all go? Where does love go? After all, it was so wonderful just recently?

As a psychologist, I constantly receive letters with similar contents:

My husband and I loved each other very much all the time after the wedding, we simply doted on each other. We spent everything together free time, he said how much he loved me, gave me flowers every day, our sex brought incredibly strong sensations. But at some point everything began to change. He gradually stopped paying attention to me, although over these year and a half I have not become worse, but even better. Further more. At first I only suspected, and then I became convinced that he had a mistress. After a serious conversation and my tears, he began to say that he broke up with her, but I’m not sure, because our relationship is not improving. But now our life is becoming more and more like hell. What should I do? How to restore relationships? How can I return his love?

The reflection of the theme of love in art is very interesting. At least half of popular songs are dedicated to happy love on the topic “Oh, my love, how good I feel with you!” The other half of the songs are about unhappy love with, apparently, the same characters, but on the other main theme: “Why did you stop loving me, you bastard?”

So does REAL LOVE exist? Let's look at human relationships through the eyes of a psychologist.

The cyclical nature of relationship development

Love is a deceptive country, and every inhabitant in it is a deceiver.
Why am I crying in front of you and smiling so inappropriately.
The unfaithful country is love, where every person is a traitor.
But the grass will grow again, through all the obstacles and adversities.
Love is a wonderful country, because only in it can there be happiness.

Observations of human relationships allow us to draw the following important conclusion.

Any significant relationships go through five main stages of development:

birth
development
climax
destruction
death

These stages are very clearly illustrated on your splayed five. Look at her with inside. And we count from left to right. Thumb- this is the BIRTH of a relationship. Index - development. Middle - climax. Nameless - destruction. The little finger is death.

We take into account that this is a relationship model. AND real relationship, of course, is more complex than any model, but nevertheless the model reflects the basic patterns, just as the model of the Earth (globe) reflects the location of the continents. You can easily mentally test this five-stage model in your own relationship that has already ended. If you don't lie to yourself, you can see how these relationships fit the given model.

The birth of a relationship is the making of the first acquaintance, the first glance, the first conversation, the first interest in each other. A timid invitation to a date and a modest consent. During this stage, people understand that they are interesting and, at a minimum, attractive to each other and that they have something to do together. At the end of this stage, the two already understand that they are already slightly “hooked” on each other, and they no longer want to part. The dating stage ends with a strong desire to develop a relationship.

Development of a relationship. People call it the “candy-bouquet” period. The most romantic period in a relationship. Both lovers strive to show their partner their best qualities and hide their shortcomings. A man gives flowers and gifts, exudes compliments, does not spare money - he is all caring and gallantry. A woman enjoys this period like Eve in paradise, like a bird in spring, like a snowdrop in the sun. In addition, a woman is especially pleased that all responsibility for the development of relationships lies with the man - and she plays the game “try, catch up.” It is clear that the princess does not run too fast and gets maximum pleasure from it.

At the stage of development, a woman usually does not mature for full sex (a man is always ready), but she can already allow some liberties. It is during this period that a woman especially takes care of her appearance (otherwise she “will not be loved”) and even, one might say, “blooms.” So if you notice that your friend, employee or ex-wife transforms before our eyes - this sure sign that a woman is in the phase of falling in love and developing relationships.

Climax. The most emotionally vibrant period is the blossoming of relationships. This, in fact, is what this is all about. This is a full-fledged sexual fusion, a merging of souls and hearts, complete harmony in a relationship. This is joy, happiness, flight and bliss. This is pleasure, inspiration and REAL love. By at least, during the climax, the couple in love is sure of this. If you ask them about this, they will exhale in one voice: “YES! THIS IS LOVE!"

This is a time that will forever remain in our hearts. This is a time that we often remember and feel nostalgic about. The climax is the honeymoon of the relationship, whether it's official or not. Unfortunately, the climax does not last as long as people expect. Yes, yes, this paradise always ends unexpectedly (as it did for Adam and Eve) and cannot continue forever for reasons that we will consider below.

Destruction. The lovers smoothly enter this stage after the climax. Usually there is no sharp boundary or clear watershed. And there is a slight sobering, small problems and misunderstandings, which become larger and larger over time. This is called "after honeymoon everyday life has begun.” Lovers no longer have that trepidation and trembling at the sight of each other, they are already calmly naked in front of each other, they no longer always spend time together and almost never go to parties or the theater. The destruction of a relationship does not always mean obvious scandals and breaking dishes over one's head.

More often than not, destruction simply means COOLING towards each other. Slow as an Australian tortoise and true as a merchant's word. Less sex, less common interests, gifts take on an exclusively ritual character, compliments no longer sound, flowers are not visible, but you can see curlers (tomorrow I will surprise my colleagues), an old robe (I need to wear it out) and a holey T-shirt (I have been living in it for ten years and will continue to live).

They often say:

But I know people who love each other all their lives!

I will be very glad if you show them to me. Better yet, take a closer look at their lives if you are close to them. Most of the so-called “prosperous” long-term relationships proceed simply by inertia. And in essence, such relationships are simply existence next to (but not together!) with each other - with separate interests, separate feelings, separate affairs and a separate life of each partner.

Often the stage of destruction in a durable married couple very slow, steady and similar to just “normal” relationships and human affection. But this is a different feeling - which is rather called friendship! And let it be, everything is better than complete indifference.

And just before the final part, the stage of destruction can reach blows, mainly psychological.

You ruined my whole life!
- Who will marry you like that!
- Look at yourself!
- Where have you been all night, whore?!
- Mom was right, you are not a match for me!

And this is already the agony of the relationship.

Death. And all significant relationships die so that something new can be born in this place. And this too inevitable stage, at least with the death of one of the partners. But in reality, this stage begins much earlier - during life. Moreover, the death of a relationship does not necessarily mean that people separate. They can live together because they have children, an apartment, a household, and a dacha. Something new is vague and dangerous, but people are simply afraid of loneliness and the fact that they will not find anyone in return. And they live in the same apartment - but practically communicate at the same time. Or they communicate on a superficial, ritual, meaningless level. In fact, people almost cease to be significant and exist for each other in a psychological sense - they often communicate more warmly with co-workers than with such an “ex”. Relationships become sluggish, which can be equated to their death. Formally, the relationship continues, but in fact it has already ceased - compared to what it was like before.

It is interesting that for the outside world, their relationships can be quite presentable, so as not to become the subject of condemnation or pitiful participation from others - it is a shame in front of friends and relatives. And sometimes we know how to convince ourselves that everything is okay and that it should be so...

Over what period of time do all these stages take place? Answer: any! The entire cycle can be completed in one day, for example, short-term a holiday romance. Or maybe at fifty years old, for example, a long family life until a golden - platinum wedding. But the stages of the relationship will still be the same!

If we are talking about short novel, then this is the birth of a relationship on the beach (“Girl, is the water warm?”), the development of a relationship in the evening in a bar (“Can we dance?”), the climax on the seashore (“Let’s go and look at the moon”), the destruction in the morning while asleep (“A who am I with?”) and the death of relationships (“Sorry, but I’m already on a plane”).

If these are grandparents, surrounded by children and grandchildren, then the difference is that the entire period takes years and, accordingly, the culmination will be long, and the process of destruction will be drawn out. But you shouldn’t overestimate the duration of the culmination stage; it’s unlikely to take more than six months (I promise to look at the reasons again below).

I can already hear the voices of those who anathematize the author for trying to discredit real relationships, the sanctity of family ties, and even the most sacred thing in a person’s life (it’s scary to say) - LOVE!!! So I want to inform the offended lovers that this is just a reasonable (i.e. from the mind) view of a psychologist from the outside on the feeling of love. And any strong feelings V in this case the mind is not a friend - they do not allow you to treat any phenomenon soberly and impartially - so first you need to cool down. Of course, we, naive ones, want love to be eternal. Do you think I'm against this? I even vote FOR with both hands! But our vote can change little. Our wisdom will consist in seeing all these processes from the height of time, when what is not seen in the flow of time itself becomes obvious. And if this succeeds, then at least something can be changed and corrected.

Let me remind you that for those who doubt this theory, but want to figure it out, the author once again suggests analyzing their already completed relationships. With your exes. I am sure that you will easily find all the indicated stages, the period of culmination and the duration of the entire cycle.

How to analyze relationships that exist now, since they continue? Then find out whether they are on the rise, in decline, or at the level of stabilization - and the picture will be approximately clear. To do this, you need to mentally compare their comparative level some period of time ago and now. For example, rate whether two months ago the relationship was warmer or colder? Did you give more attention or less? Did you spend more time or less? If it seems that the relationship is in a period of stabilization, it means that this is a slow-moving destruction, difficult to see with the naked eye.

Or maybe it's a sine wave? We console ourselves with thoughts. I agree, sometimes our relationship resembles a sine wave - first takeoff, then landing. But the plane also has the most high point trajectory, although it can fly either higher or lower. And any plane eventually lands on the airfield (or, God forbid, falls into the forest).

Of course, in long term relationship There are always stages of relative decline and rise - periods of temporary cooling and warming. For example, a man has troubles at work, he is unsettled - a temporary decline in the relationship. Then we went on vacation together - and now it’s warming up. Then the woman gave reason for jealousy - and here comes the cold snap. Then we went to the theater together - and it got warmer again.

But these fluctuations in the level of relationships are only relative. Relative to the central line, which inevitably draws its fateful circle. And this whole sinusoid still fits into the overall final cycle of relationships.

So why does love go away?

“Time strengthens wine and weakens love,” the ancients said. This is done by nature itself, by life, or more precisely, by our biological defense mechanisms. Let's take a closer look. The physiology of our body has defense mechanism adaptation. What it is? Adaptation is a dulling of sensitivity, and then the complete disappearance of sensation during the prolonged action of the stimulus. How does this process happen? The nerve centers of our brain have so-called protective inhibition. If the signal from the external environment continues to arrive sufficiently for a long time, nerve centers reduce their sensitivity and signals from receptors generally cease to be perceived by the brain. Carry out the following experiments.

If someone constantly and with the same force strokes your hand in the same place, then at first the sensations will probably be pleasant, after 3 minutes they will be neutral, after 10 minutes. barely noticeable, and after 20 minutes you will stop noticing them. Tactile adaptation has occurred.

You walked out of the dark room into the light. At first you will go blind - you can’t see anything, but after a few seconds your vision will return. Returned from the world to dark room- gouge out your eyes, absolute darkness. But no. After a few seconds, you can already guess the contours of the table. This is a visual adaptation.

What happens if you are constantly fed your favorite food? Right. Get used to it. And you will even push it away from you, just as in “White Sun” Vereshchagin pushed away black caviar. Another example. Older people remember the shortage of exotic products that seemed incredibly tasty to us. Bananas were bought green and lovingly stored for a month until have a good day maturation. And now? Who thinks bananas are a particularly delicious fruit? Well, nothing special, the norm of life. A taste adaptation has occurred.

You entered a room with unpleasant smell- paint, foot wraps, the mouse behind the closet has died or the owner hasn’t washed for a long time. It is clear that the smell will hit your nose sharply. But imagine that you can’t leave! What will happen to your sense of smell? I assure you, after a while you will stop noticing this smell. The olfactory organs will adapt.

There is even pain adaptation. To some extent, the body is able to adapt to pain and reduce its sensitivity to it.

Adaptation mechanisms protect us! If not for them, a person would not be able to survive in changing environmental conditions. These are examples of sensory adaptation. But not only they, but our entire psyche, all emotions and feelings have this ability to adapt. There is even one folk wisdom: A person gets used to everything!

Our EMOTIONS have the same adaptation mechanisms. Remember, when you were a child, the world was especially bright, the sky was especially blue, and the grass was especially green! What now? We're used to it! Well, peace and quiet. Always like this. What's special here?

Now remember your puppy delight when you first saw the sea! It seems that now this meeting is taking place much more modestly. And on the second day of rest, we already take all the exotic things for granted, get used to them and stop admiring them.

At a new place of work, at first, perhaps, you don’t like a lot of things, everything is wrong, and then it seems like nothing, you get involved - and it’s normal.

And the euphoria of first love, among all other “loves”, is the strongest, brightest and most enthusiastic feeling in a person’s life - adaptation mechanisms have not yet fully learned to smooth out this feeling.

How long does your delight in yourself last? wonderful gift? And the joy of the desired meeting? What about the euphoria of receiving the Nobel Prize? No matter how strong the event, the body still adapts. In ten minutes, the delight from the gift will pass, the joy of the meeting will smooth out in an hour, the euphoria of triumph will last until the end of the banquet. A week maximum.

Everyone knows the wise saying: “Time heals.” This saying is also about the adaptation process. Only adaptation not to joy, but to grief. Any negative experience is also smoothed out by the individual’s psyche, just give it time. The wisdom of nature is to protect the body from destructive influences - and the grief goes away. Maybe not right away, but psychological comfort is gradually recovering.

Incredibly, even in prison and concentration camps, a person gradually adapts to inhuman conditions of detention, and over time can feel quite comfortable! A striking example is the famous story by A. Solzhenitsyn “One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.” About one day in the life of a prisoner in the Soviet Gulag, a day filled with almost the same joys, experiences, delights and disappointments as the days of a person in ordinary life. The depression and melancholy are long gone. The body has adapted.

What is the feeling of love for our body? Psychology defines love as “an intense, intense feeling, a high degree of emotional and positive attitude towards an object.” And it lives not in the heart, who has forgotten, but in the nerve centers of the brain, like any other emotion. Love is a period of prolonged emotional uplift and constant increased energy tone of the body. This is a huge consumption of resources of a biological object called “human” - and constantly experiencing such consumption is dangerous for the body. After any expenditure of resources and emotional upsurge, a period of relaxation is required - and according to the law of the pendulum, adaptation mechanisms are turned on again! They react to a long-term feeling of love as if real danger for survival.

The body adapts and gets used to the feeling of love!

As a result, love fades away gradually, slowly and inevitably, like the sunset. Love gradually smoothes out, and, in best case scenario, turns into just human affection and warm feeling. And at worst... You know, from love to hate - one step.

Is it possible to stop a beautiful moment?

How we would like to stop love sometimes, like a beautiful moment! Is it possible to? Possibly, but it will be last love in your life. There is a famous biological experiment on unfortunate rats who had electrodes implanted in their brain pleasure centers. By pressing the lever, the animals received a dose of narcotic pleasure close to orgasm. So the rats died from emotional and mental exhaustion after a few hours, unable to stop the process of pleasure. If for some reason our adaptation mechanisms were destroyed, the body would not be able to cope with the load. If we loved each other forever without a period of relaxation, we would turn into a cold corpse, and love would be disposable, like that of drone bees.

Love cannot be made eternal, but prolonging it is possible!

You can prolong the climax of a relationship - and prolong it. How? Consciously using what are called love languages ​​is how love is nourished and sustained. Namely:

Words. Touching. Time. Communication. Present.

Let's look into them.

Words - admiring reviews about your beloved or loved one, psychological stroking, warm feedback about his actions, appearance, importance to himself. These are phrases about love that will never get boring, especially if they are said with a sincere attitude. Any person, even a man, is ready to listen to sincere compliments endlessly - and even if he pretends that he doesn’t care or laughs at it. Don't believe it. Everyone loves admiration and recognition. By the way, when last time did you admire your loved one?

Touching. This is touching not only in sex itself, but also outside of it. And in sex there is absolute diversity and all sorts of, excuse me, perversions. The best way kill sexual interest to each other - to make all nights similar and faceless, like cloned twins. Change everything that is possible and impossible to change: the meeting place, erotic games, sexual scenarios, available means and tools. Some advanced couples even experiment with invited partners. Why not?

Outside of actual sex, it’s just a random hug, a kiss on the neck, stroking, light massage and biting. Often we restrain ourselves, saying, it’s not time, people are watching. Or we're just tired and don't feel like making any effort. If a person is close, give him affection just like that, for no reason, and he will always feel your closeness. Another harmful question: How many months ago was the last time you gave your loved one a massage?

TIME. Or rather, spending time together. Time is you. If you do not spare a person your time, you do not spare him yourself. How much time did you spend together during the week? Did you go to the theater? Walked in the park? Have you visited friends? All this is an indicator of caring for the life of another person, even if you are very busy and your time is worth one hundred thousand pounds one minute.

Communication. As a luxury, not as a means of transmitting information. How able are you to live the life of your loved one? Is there really deep spiritual intimacy between you? Do you know what he breathes? Do you know how to share and support his interests and values? The true art of communication must be learned, how English language- constantly and diligently.

PRESENT. Not a ritual, planned bouquet of flowers for March 8, but unexpectedly and suddenly. And just like that and for any occasion: Tankman Day or Paris Commune Day. Remember, in Alice in Wonderland there was a character called Humpty Dumpty. So he called for giving gifts on Birthday 364 days a year. This may be overkill, but the line of thinking is correct. Gifts stimulate. Cheer up. Inspire a feeling of gratitude. And they just excite.

If a person does not receive enough nutrients, he shortens his life span.

Feed love and you will use all its resources!

Now it’s time to consider one aspect that prevents us from ending our relationship on time:

We are responsible for those we have tamed!

These words of one French pilot rank second in their harmfulness in people's lives. Exupery said - and we believed it, and we even build our life scenarios based on it! Or maybe we are also responsible for those with whom we broke up? Or maybe also for those who were NOT tamed? And also for the famine in Ethiopia? And also for the earthquake in Mexico? And a hurricane in California? Maybe we can immediately take upon ourselves all the sins of other people and all humanity? And will we experience the most severe sense of guilt for the rest of our lives?

If everyone makes themselves happy first, then the whole world will be happy.

Why did we easily believe in this wonderful phrase and still build our life scenarios based on it? Because this pilot knew how to create beautiful texts and create literary masterpieces. And, as you know, everything that is sanctified " magical power art" acquires magical power over our minds. We are ready to take beauty at its word, without proof or verification.

You can recall some more elegant phrases from this series:

Whoever remembers the old is out of sight. (Our vengeful compatriots)
- Today you play jazz, and tomorrow you will sell your homeland. (Musicologists from the Politburo)
- Who does not work shall not eat. (Those who know exactly how everyone should live)
- Touched a girl - get married. (Guardians of public morality)
- A good Indian is a dead Indian. (Young Pioneers of the American United States)
- To each his own. (Nurses of humanity from the Third Reich).

Maybe this too beautiful phrases shall we also begin to follow thoughtlessly?

So what should we do now? I suggest adopting at least one constructive belief, which is also a conviction - especially for those who still want beauty. “Constructive” means that the belief will work for you, not against you. This is an ancient Indian saying:

The horse is dead - get off!

In reality, we do not want to believe in her death and forget that you cannot enter the same river twice. What do we do instead of getting down?

We come to the stables every day.
We are trying to persuade her to stand up in a good way.
We are trying to give her water.
We bring her especially fragrant hay.
We buy her golden horseshoes.
We are trying to lift her by the neck.
We threaten her with a drop of nicotine.
We are dragging her by the tail.
We hit her with the shafts.
We sign up for a course on how to revive dead horses.

All this instead of going out and finding another horse. Don't revive a dead mare!!! Let the horse die in peace! Her holy place will not be empty! Another horse will definitely appear. But on one condition - if you don’t cling to the past and let a new feeling take over this stable. If you don’t want to believe it, well, suffer. The life is yours. And the choice is yours.

All this would be very sad if nature had not arranged it so wisely. But we will finish our study of the feeling of love and human relations still life-affirming - with a brilliant phrase from the masterpiece film “An Ordinary Miracle”:

Glory to the brave who dare to love, knowing that all this will come to an end!

Glory to the madmen who live as if they were immortal!

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