Pyramid of logical levels in coaching. Dilts Pyramid: Solving Problems at All Levels

Admit it, you sometimes wonder, “Why do I live the way I live?” or "Why do I have what I have?"

Robert Dilts , one of the most famous developer experts in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, has come up with a convenient pyramid model to describe your life.

The peculiarity of the model is that for each of the levels of the pyramid, the answer to the question "Why is this so?" is one level higher.

Problems have piled on you, the black streak has dragged on, difficulties at work, there is no mutual understanding with loved ones?

So it's time to spend general cleaning within yourself and put everything in its place.

We solve the puzzles of our lives.

What is this wonderful instrument? The Dilts pyramid will help sort out the problems. Pyramids have long been attributed magical properties. And the Dilts pyramid confirms this. It helps to find solutions difficult situations, to move from the dead point insoluble problems that we habitually drag along for months and years. With its help, you can get rid of destructive habits, understand yourself and put things in order in life.

How it works

The Dilts pyramid simply and logically describes any phenomenon or system (an individual, an entire organization or even a society). What is the value of such an approach?

We tend to get bogged down in a routine and often see nothing further than our nose.

"The problem cannot be solved at the same level where it was created."

Albert Einstein

To do this, you need to rise above the problem.

It's easy to say. But here's how to do it? Where to look for this solution? How to find the level where the solution we need is hiding?

The six levels of the pyramid can be thought of as shelves on which our subjective experience or inner world. All levels are interconnected and influence each other. Moreover, changes at the upper levels necessarily lead to changes at the lower ones. But changes at the bottom affect the upper levels much less, or not at all. The main secret The Dilts pyramid is that the solution is always at the top levels and is usually two levels higher than the problem itself.

Pyramid Levels

Environment - the first level from the bottom. This includes everything that surrounds us: living conditions, people, objects, places, dates. All the things we have to deal with in our Everyday life, the scenery in which the action unfolds. Questions of this level: with whom, where, when?

Actions (behavior) - the second level. We interact with our environment through actions. This can be attributed both to an individual person and to an entire organization or society. Question: what do I do?

On the two lower levels, our life flows, at least in the world, its visible part. We communicate, interact with the environment, experience emotions, get pleasure, seek attention, strive to increase our own worth, learn new things, earn and spend money, etc. This is where most of our goals are. And if we consider the organization, then this is the level of interaction between subordinates and superiors, office "manipulations" and so on.

Capabilities - this is how we act, the algorithms and strategies that we use, acting within the framework of our model of the world. It is what resources we choose and how we manage them. In other words, what we can and can do.

Beliefs and values - here is the answer to the question why a person did this? This level is influenced by the whole experience of a person, everything that he has absorbed from his family, environment, at school, from his usual cultural context. At this level, there is also an answer to the question, what is important in this situation? Or why is it so important? For example, a person is chronically late. What value does it embody in this way? What is important to him in this situation? Maybe it's the feeling of freedom. The feeling that he can come whenever he wants. That he is not constrained by any framework.

Identity Our beliefs come from the identity we associate ourselves with. This level corresponds to the role that we primarily play. Answers the question "Who am I?" This is a person's ideas about himself, about what he is and how he builds relationships with the outside world.

Understanding your self-identity and picture of the world, awareness gives you the opportunity to manage your situation. We can choose how we want to see the world around us. If we understand that our worldview has begun to limit us, then we can choose another. And thus remove the cause of the problem. This can be the path to dramatic changes in life.

Mission is the next level above our identity. With a mission you can work on different levels. From a simple "what do I want to get as a result?" (for example, stop being late) to a level that includes a person’s ideas about something more that goes beyond his Self. This spiritual level, the level of vision, in the case of an organization, the level of the spirit of the organization.

Questions: Why am I doing this? What do I want to get as a result? For what? What's the point? Who else?

Use the Dilts pyramid in any difficult life situations

What exactly needs to be done?

Write down your task. It is better to write it down, because what is written for the subconscious will be perceived as a program of action. While you are writing, you are thinking about the wording, some nuances will come to your mind that you did not realize before. So even in the process of writing, you can get some ideas and tips. At the same time, you tune in to the decision, the desired result, enter into a certain emotional condition. And this is the energy pure form and the momentum of the universe, which she perceives as a guide to action.

Determine at what level your problem or task (goal) is. For example: the habit of being late is at the level of behavior or actions, which means that the solution must be sought 2 levels higher, i.e. at the level of values ​​and beliefs.

Analyze your current situation, moving from one level to another, starting from the lowest. When you reach the mission level, imagine that the desired result has been achieved. Stay in this state. Ask yourself, who else would it benefit from? Who else will it affect?

Then start moving down in reverse order. Now, having formulated the mission (specifying the task, adjusting the goal), you go through each level and see what has changed or been added now that you bring the mission there. You sort of expand your vision, perhaps you will have new resources, you will see something that was not obvious before. you look like the best way each level must be organized to match your mission. What should this identity be? Which one are you in this case? What are your values? What new abilities do you have when your mission is such and such... And then how do you operate, and how does your environment change?

Example: the young man hesitates to ask for a pay rise. He constantly returns to this mentally and in conversations with loved ones, looking for and finding bright arguments. And as if ready to talk, but nothing happens. It is clear that there is a block somewhere, and this story can drag on for a very long time.

His description of the environment - excellent colleagues, a good boss, comfortable at work. Behavior - a lot of time at work, a high load, but in general, he is happy to fulfill his duties. Capabilities – has grown a lot during his time in this position and sees great prospects for further growth. Beliefs - this is where the root of the problem is revealed. It turns out that he considers even his current salary higher than what he deserves. Identity - thinks about who he can associate himself with if he can ask for a pay rise. Mission (here, just his task) - wants to get a salary increase. Then we go down in reverse order.

To get a pay raise, he must be confident and know his worth. He knows that he has already invested a lot and put in enough effort to achieve the results at work that he has today. His new belief is that big money does not have to come from hard labor. It is possible to work easily and enjoy it, even if it is much more difficult for someone else. The result - a conversation with the boss took place the next day. To a young man a transfer to another unit was soon offered, where he rose in position and salary.

The Dilts pyramid is convenient because it is not always necessary to work with all levels. As fast option it may be enough to determine at what level the problem arose and try to find a way to solve it at higher levels. It is important to be able to ask questions from one level or another, the answers to which help to find a solution to the problem.

How to Work with Goals Using the Dilts Pyramid

1 level- when you reach the goal, where and with whom will you be?

2 level- What do you need to do to reach your goal? What steps will you need to take? What actions will you take while in the environment from point 1?

3 level– how will you do it? What abilities and skills do you need to do this? What do you already have and what do you need to develop?

4th level What value will you get as a result? Why is this important to you? How will your life change when you reach your goal?

5th level Who will you be when you achieve this goal? Who will you be when you receive the valuable things that will appear in your life?

6th level- why do you want to do it? For whom else is it important? Who else will benefit and be happy with this result?

Very often, people, having reached the value, self-identification, mission, change the goal or correct it.

And now, given what we know, having reached the highest level, we go down:

Are others happy about it? Is it good for them?

- Who did you become as a result?

- What is the value in it?

- What abilities do you have?

- What are you doing now?

- What is your environment like?

This is very powerful when you need a comprehensive view of your goal. Or you feel insecure in your abilities or feel that you are at an impasse.

With the help of this magic pyramid you can quickly determine at what level the problem is and find solutions by asking questions from a higher level. To do this, it is not necessary to always use the expanded pyramid, sometimes just a couple of questions are enough. You can diagnose other people's problems and help find solutions. This is a tool that helps to look at life in a three-dimensional way, structure tasks, decompose problems into their component parts, find the level at which the solution is located and check it by going down the pyramid.

If you are not satisfied with what you have, whether it is the environment or finances, the Dilts model will show that you need to change your actions.

If it seems right action do not lead to the desired result - you need to change the strategy as a whole.

If it is not clear where to change the strategy, then you need to delve into your beliefs, something is wrong with them. And so on.

Now that you have applied the Dilts model to yourself, have you seen where your life has stalled, and what needs to be done to stop it from slipping?

Have you decided that you need a change?

Tired of walking in a vicious circle and stepping on the same rake?

Contact. I will be glad to new clients from anywhere in the world!

No problem can be solved at the level at which it arose. A. Einstein.

The pyramid of Robert Dilts (we discussed in detail earlier), based on the pattern that in cognition, change, communication and just life, some natural levels of classification are observed, and that changing something at higher levels always inevitably affects lower levels, can be great for self-coaching.

Let me briefly remind you that each level of the pyramid stores information of a certain quality:

Environment- reaction level (What? Who? Where? When? With whom? At whom?) conditions, environment, the world, objects, people, places, dates, terms, and everything that surrounds us in everyday life.

Behavior- action level (What is he doing?)- everything related to the activities of a person (organization), the level is devoted to information about changes and movements.

Capabilities— level of sources and direction of movement (How?)- the level of knowledge and experience behind our direct perception of the environment, the integration of various resources, algorithms and strategies behind behavior.

Beliefs and values— level of permission and motivation (Why? Why? Why?) is a deep level that structures the entire experience of a person as a person. They are formed under the influence various factors: family, school, environment, environment, culture, etc.

Identity- mission (Who am I? What social "role" do I play?)- what role (the role that you mainly play - jester, mother, businessman, friend, lover, child, macho, teacher, etc.) or self-perception is the problem or result associated.

Transmission— vision, meanings, spiritual level (For who else? For what else? What's the point?) refers to our sense of something that goes beyond our personal vision of ourselves and includes our vision of the larger systems that surround particular roles, values, beliefs, thoughts, actions, or sensations.

Understanding the meanings of each level in own life, it is enough just to carry out for the most powerful and fast implementation of new tasks. It is also possible to analyze complex or confused situation, which is not solved when you perform your usual actions. Simply put, when you are stuck in something: in completing a task, in a relationship, in studying, etc. You can rid yourself of destructive habits (being late, smoking, breaking agreements or the dress code of the organization you work for, etc.).

How to do it yourself if there is no opportunity to interact with a coach?

Advice: when a lot of problems have piled up - do not try to solve everything at once, “sort” according to the degree of urgency-importance. Pick the one that matters most and get started.

Firstly , of course, tune in to painstaking and conscious work, allocate enough time for self-coaching, choose a room where no one will bother you, and nothing will distract your attention from work. Write down in the plan the day and time of the beginning of this work. So it is psychologically easier to fulfill what was planned for later.

Secondly , write your goal (task) that you want to achieve. Why is it necessary to write?

1) What is written falls on the subconscious as a program for action. “What is written with a pen cannot be cut down with an ax”;

2) While writing (formulating a thought), you are aware of some nuances that can already give an idea for solving the issue. Secondly, while writing, certain nerve impulses are formed and sent to the brain associated with the writing of specific words, so it is very important with what words you describe your goal (task). Thirdly, when writing, a certain visualization occurs desired result, which is an additional impulse to the brain. Fourth, realizing your goal (task) and why you need it, you experience a certain emotional state (exciting, upbeat, joyful, etc.), and emotion is pure energy, which is even more than visual the image is perceived by the Universe as a guide to execution;

3) In the time before the appointed hour of self-coaching, the situation, both external and internal, may change (for example, the goal will change and you will correct it in your notes, the problem will be solved, the surrounding reality will change, etc.).

Third , cook individual sheets paper and write on them the name of the levels of the pyramid. You can also write questions corresponding to each level. Prepare colored markers or pens.

Fourth, understand at what level is your goal (task) or problem. The solution, or the factor that will help to actively move the problem from the dead center to improvement, is 2 levels above the problem.

For example, the habit of being late is at the Behavior level, which means that the solution must be sought two levels higher - Beliefs / values.

Difficulties in communicating with certain people originate at the level of Environment - look for a solution at the level of Ability - develop the skills of persuasion, argumentation, listening, the ability to interest, etc.

Difficulties with learning a foreign language, driving a car, quitting smoking are related to Ability - look for the factor in your Identity - in the role you want to play, knowing a foreign language, driving a car easily, having a reputation as a non-smoker.

The technique for solving problems by Dilts levels is to integrate logical levels and consists of two stages:

1. Make an analysis of the existing moment by levels from the bottom up, asking yourself questions corresponding to each level. It is better to divide the answers in order of importance to you (this is what multi-colored ink is for).

Reached the "Mission" level - visualize yourself in the target slide as if the task or problem has been solved, the goal has been achieved. What are you like on that slide? Describe yourself in detail visually-auditory-kinesthetically (better also in writing).

Stay in this state longer: you are a hero, a winner, you coped with challenging task! Anchor this state (audials - with a sound mark (melody, sound of some words, etc.), visuals - with a figurative mark (sign, symbol, object, etc.), kinesthetics - with movement, gesture, smell, etc. P.).

Ask yourself transmission-level questions: Who else will benefit from the realization of my goal? Why else am I reaching this goal? What is the meaning of my goal for loved ones, my enterprise, Planet Earth? And how will the realization of my goal affect them?

2. After enjoying your victory, start moving back down the pyramid. Only now the quality of the questions at each level changes according to the goal already achieved.

Second part technology allows you to use the knowledge of your own Mission for a more accurate selection of resources at each logical level: “What is added or changed at each level when the knowledge and resource of one's own Mission is brought there? How should information be structured in given level to best suit the chosen Mission?”

- What personal role most fully corresponds to my new state?

— What values ​​and beliefs are characteristic of such a person with such a mission?

- What new abilities do I have in a new capacity with a new mission?

- How do I behave, what actions do I perform, how do I interact with others in my new role?

- What is it, my environment, now? What environment helps me reach new heights in my new role?

After finishing work, be sure to give yourself a gift. It's pure psychological technique, which will help you easily apply self-coaching in the future: subconsciously, you will initially be set up for a positive result.

The technique is very simple, it helps in 100% of cases with honest introspection. Moreover, by applying it to solve your problems, you can easily help your relatives and friends, and even to solve a certain range of issues that lie within your competence in your company.

I wish you success and victories on the way to achieving your goals, the growth of your personal potential as a professional and as a person! I am ready to answer all your questions and with pleasure you will find the right, simple and fast way to achieve your goals.

I want to talk about the Dilts Pyramid technique. It is used in coaching, in consulting, to solve problems in various areas of relationships.

This technique will help you understand yourself and your life, will allow you to better understand your underlying reasons for not knowing a foreign language that you are not aware of. And it is also good for increasing motivation for learning. Knowing the pyramid and answering the questions for each level will enable you to see your inner beliefs.

So, the Dilts pyramid is a model of the logical levels of your life.

The formation of each logical level occurs from the bottom up. The meaning of the pyramid is that the higher level has an influence on the lower one.

That is:

a change that occurs at a lower logical level, Almost never does not lead to changes at a higher logical level;

change at a higher level Always leads to changes at lower levels.

Simply put, for each of the levels of the pyramid, the answer to the question “Why is this so?” lies one or two levels higher.

For example, you are not satisfied with your behavior, and you want to change it. By changing the environment, you are unlikely to achieve a result. So the changes must be Capabilities . So, if you consider yourself an incapable person, then this will go down a level - Behavior . Your behavior will reinforce this belief. That is, do not take on interesting tasks, bold projects, avoid risk in every possible way. Conversely, if you are confident in your abilities, then this conviction forms a certain behavior to achieve a result.

Description of logical levels: (in order from lowest to highest):

Environment - these are conditions, habitat, the world around us, objects, people, places, dates, terms - everything that surrounds us. This is what we face in our daily life. It is you, your physical environment, the people you interact with, the culture you are a part of. Answers the questions: "What?”, “Where?”, “When?”, “With whom?”, “Who?”.

Behavior - everything related to your activity, what exactly you do (or NOT do) in your environment. At this level is what most of our goals ultimately come down to (having pleasure, experiencing emotions, communication, money, sex, learning something interesting). This level answers the question“What is it doing?”, “What am I doing?”and is dedicated to information about changes and movements.

Capabilities - the level of sources and direction of movement, the level of experience that is behind our direct perception of the environment. At this level, there are strategies behind behavior and answering the question “ How? ". At this level, it becomes important for a person not what he has, but what he can do. At this level, knowledge becomes the main capital for him.

This level is related to the abilities, skills and strategies that we use in life in order to act. How exactly do we accomplish tasks and cope with different situations. They can be developed, trained, acquired. What can be learned if needed.

Beliefs and values ​​-is what a person is talking about when answering a question“Why did he do it?”, “Why is it so important?”.This is a deep level that structures the entire experience of a person as a person. The level of values ​​is formed under the influence of various factors: family, school, environment, environment, culture, etc.

Identity (personal originality)- all a person's ideas about himself, who he is, what he is, how he builds relationships with others. Identity is associated with some kind of personal role that you predominantly play - businessman, friend, lover, child, teacher, pea jester, “I good mother”, victim, etc. Main question Here -"Who am I?"

Understanding yourself, your picture of the world helps you to master life situation. You choose how you want to represent yourself and the world around you. Importantly, you can also change your mindset when it goes from being helpful to being limiting.

For example, if the question “Who am I?” you answer: “I am a person who makes decisions on his own and does not listen to anyone”, then it is useless to try to exert any influence on you,

Mission is the spiritual level. It refers to our experience of something that goes beyond our personal vision of ourselves and includes our vision of the larger systems that surround particular roles, values, beliefs, thoughts, actions, or sensations… This level refers to what may be a vision or "spirit" of an individual, group or organization". This is a strategic level that answers the questions:"For what? For what? What's the point?".

Not every person thinks about what is for him Mission . But often you can feel yourself as a part of something bigger, a part of some huge system. At this level you wonder "the purpose of existence as a person". This is what you can contribute to the world and people in general. What you leave behind.

At the level of identityask yourself: “Who will I be if I learn English (or another) language? What ideas about myself will change? Am I ready for such changes? You may come up with a variety of answers, for example, that by learning English, you will be a person whose actions do not diverge from the word. By changing your self-image, you remove the reason that prevents you from becoming fluent in English.

at the mission level.In the case of studying in English Try to answer these questions:

“How would you explain to a 5-year-old child what you are doing? What do you think is the meaning of your activity? What are you doing this for?" For example, “I have always strived for something new and better” is the mission level.

Examples:

You have been wanting to enroll in English courses for a long time, but for some reason you are putting off your plans. The habit of procrastination is at the Behavior level. So the solution must be sought two levels higher - Beliefs / values. Those. from the dead center, the problem of procrastination can be solved by rethinking the value, for example, "Be a man of your word."

You are afraid to speak a foreign language. Difficulties with communication most likely originate at the Environment level. You can look for a solution at the level of Behavior (behave in a certain way - more calmly and confidently), as well as at the level of Abilities - to develop new ones in yourself.

If you think that your difficulty with a foreign language is related to your Ability, look for a shift in this issue in your Identity - in the role that you want to play, knowing the language. For example me - successful man who travels freely around the world without any barriers.

Dangerous games, or the dramatic triangle.

I don't know about you, but I really enjoy watching small children. Their games not only create good mood and cause a sincere smile, but also suggest interesting thoughts. Kids easily change their roles in games: daughters-mothers, cats and mice, Cossack robbers, our Germans ... These games are harmless, children choose their roles consciously and manage them. But, unfortunately, growing up, people very often play more dangerous games and choose such roles that they are not able to control. These roles start to control people. A person performs scripts that he does not like at all. As they say, they wanted the best, it turned out, as always. If you feel that others treat you with disdain, that no one appreciates you, and that there are shameless, and most importantly, ungrateful people around you, then it is very likely that you have fallen into the so-called “dramatic triangle”. It is also called Karpman's triangle, named after the psychotherapist who developed the concept. This is what the triangle looks like: Victim - Persecutor - Savior"- these are the roles that a person plays one after another, who wants to make his neighbor happy against his will. And if someone has got into this triangle, then he will go through it all, whether he wants it or not.

What are these roles?

Victim is a person who considers himself unfairly offended. He believes that this is not always the case in reality. Often the victim is not at all as helpless and weak as he wants to seem, and is able to solve his problems on his own. Savior- this is a person who does not save anyone, but provides a service, in ninety-nine percent of cases a bearish one, or gives advice, as a rule, unsolicited. According to the law of fate, sooner or later such a "well-wisher" becomes Victim, before that, probably playing a role pursuer. Pursuer in fact, he does not want anything specific from the victim. He has no clear claims. By and large, this character does not pursue anyone.

An example from the literature:

The novel Don Quixote by Miguel Cervantes is made up of Karpman's solid triangles. The Knight of the Sorrowful Image constantly puts on the armor of the Savior and is beaten with surprising regularity. Both physically and mentally. That is, inevitably becomes a Victim. Recall the episode in which Don Quixote stands up for a shepherd boy in front of his angry master. As they say, a classic of the genre! All three roles are present here. Don Quixote (Savior) saw how the evil owner mercilessly beats his young worker for some sins (Persecutor and Victim). That's it, the dramatic triangle has turned on! Our hero in righteous anger rushes to the rescue ( note that the boy did not ask him about it) and becomes the Savior... for a minute. In relation to the angry owner, Don Quixote turns into the Persecutor, and the owner himself turns out to be the Victim. The quick-witted boy understands that wandering knights come and go - that's why they are wandering, and he has to live and work for the owner, so he tries to stop the belligerent Knight of the Sad Image. Thus, from the Sacrifice, he becomes the Savior of his master. The first part of the cycle has been completed. Then, when Don Quixote considered that the feat had already been accomplished, and decided to go on a further journey, the “saved” shepherd boy asks the knight to take him with him, but he refuses him (apparently, it is not customary for knights to perform great feats together with the saved - not charter). Thus, he gives the boy into the hands of an even more angry owner. In fact, Don Quixote turns into a Persecutor in relation to the shepherdess. And the boy becomes a victim again. The owner, frightened by the formidable appearance of the wandering knight, promises to no longer offend the boy and pay him the due salary. So he becomes a Savior... again for a minute. The second part of the series is over. After some time, the Knight of the Sad Image, after all his "feats", in which he put on the mask of the Savior and turned out to be a Victim, returns to the same places. He meets this shepherd boy and ... he showers curses on the noble lord. And it is not surprising, because then the humiliated and from this even more enraged owner beat the boy even more. Thus, Don Quixote becomes a Victim. Q.E.D. The drama triangle is complete.

Real life example:This story happened before my eyes. In the first year of university laboratory works in physics. The teacher wants to find out the level of knowledge of each of the students and for this he gives them tasks printed on separate cards. One of the students has a significantly higher level of preparation than the whole group, and she clicks these tasks like seeds. While her comrades creak their brains, remembering the formulas, the girl is frankly bored. And having nothing to do, the “professor” offers her help to her new comrades (that is, she takes on the role of the Savior). She solves problems for five friends. And so several times in a row. Seeing this situation, the teacher gives this girl a task advanced level complexity, which, of course, requires more time. But at the same moment when the teacher turns away, a dozen students, without saying a word, apparently believing that this is how it should be, pass their cards to their more knowledgeable friend. She, in turn, refuses them, indignant at such impudence (that is, she turns into a Persecutor). But in the role of the Pursuer, she does not stay long. At the next break, the “group of comrades” tells her everything they think about her: “You are an egoist, you don’t help us, you only think about yourself.” And so on and so forth. And the girl did not even notice how she became a Victim. Voila!

Sometimes the dramatic triangle stretches over years and decades.. For example, parents dream that their son or daughter will choose the profession, the business that their families have been doing for generations. They describe in every possible way the advantages of this profession (say, an economist), offer assistance in overcoming the difficulties of science (Saviors). The young man agrees, despite the fact that he is more attracted to, for example, journalism or foreign languages. An overage child goes to lectures under pressure, passionately and reverently hating all calculations in general, and economic ones in particular, and his parents also blame him for negligence and lack of diligence in studies (Persecutors). With grief in half, the family receives a diploma, and the young man begins to work at an unloved job, and so years pass. IN best case after many years, this person (by that time no longer young) will begin to look for opportunities to do what he loves, but it will be much more difficult to do this at the age of forty. And at worst, he will go to a hated job for a meager salary all his life, since it is almost impossible to build a career in an unloved business. And what parents will hear in their old age from their son or daughter, and in what role they will be, think for yourself ...

Why do people constantly try on all these three roles if they only cause trouble? Oh no! You are wrong. Each of these roles also has its own advantages, no matter how strange it sounds. Psychologists call them secondary benefits. For example, what is good about the role of the Victim? Entering this role, a person relieves himself of responsibility for himself (or for any joint activities) and shifts it to others - to those who are ready to take on the role of the Savior. And if a person has no responsibility, then nothing needs to be done. He is a victim of circumstances, which means that you can get a portion of pity and feel white and fluffy. It’s not him who is doing something wrong, but the circumstances have developed, and the people around have crept up extremely callous and soulless - they don’t want to take on his duties. And what is good about the role of the Pursuer? At its core, the persecutor is also a victim. Expressing claims to another person (as a rule, vague and unfounded), he thereby transfers his responsibility to him. And this is the behavior of the victim. Thus, he splashes out annoyance for his failures, vents anger at the victim. The role of the Savior is good if only because it allows a person to amuse his sense of self-worth and demonstrate (first of all, to himself, and then to others) his own greatness. But how? He saves the victim from trouble! If you think a little, you can understand that the Savior at heart is also a victim. Those who have low self-esteem need to prove their worth. These people suffer from the neglect of others. More often low self-esteem is a consequence psychological trauma in childhood.

How to find a way out of the triangle of fate? The best way out is not to find the entrance there.

And now about how to avoid the triangle of fate. In order not to become a Savior, you can provide services by observing following rules"safety": You can not impose your services. A person must ask for it himself, and the request should be as specific as possible. You can help only after you have done all your business, that is, do not sacrifice your interests. You can’t give categorical instructions and advice in the style of “do as I said and nothing else!” Do not do for a person what he must do on his own, otherwise you will take on his responsibility, and this is the role of a savior.

How then can you communicate with people? Is it safe to provide help (advice or action) to loved ones?

Of course there is, and not just one, but many. But all these opportunities have one thing in common - a conscious distribution of responsibility, when each person is solely responsible for what he can actually control. How can this be done? Starting any project, it is worth specifying very clearly (and in especially serious cases, prescribing) who is responsible for what. If you nevertheless give advice, accompany it with additions: “I think”, “it seems to me”, “in my opinion”, “this is just my opinion, but it's up to you”. Explain that every person has the right to make a mistake, including you: “I think so, but I can be wrong ...” Then you can give any advice, even the most fantastic. Do not give any guarantees: “I will do my best, but I cannot guarantee 100%”, “If there is an opportunity”, and the like. There are countless such expressions. In this situation, the person considers you as a fallback, but he continues to solve his problem. The role of the pursuer also does not give anything good, because no one has repealed the boomerang law. And all those claims that a person makes to others will be returned to him, and even “with interest”.

But what should you do and what not to do if you realized too late that you have fallen into this ill-fated triangle?

There is an exit. First of all, do not prove anything to anyone, but get out of this system and look at it from the outside. Imagine that you are sitting on a high hill and look at this situation as if it were a performance with your own participation. The emotional intensity will immediately subside, and you will be able to reason sensibly. If at the same time you still want to prove something to someone, it means that you are still possessed by emotions. Then imagine that you are sitting in front of the TV and see yourself sitting on a hill and watching a play. Usually such a double removal helps to fully cope with emotions and makes it possible to analyze the situation and accept right decisions. What should be done to avoid these dramatic roles? The answer is simple: take care of yourself, your growth, and spiritual, and intellectual and physical. Find something you love and hone your skills to perfection. Then you and your loved ones will be comfortable.

Part 2.

Vertical Racing, or the Pyramid of Neurological Levels.

Nutritionists say we are what we eat.Hydrotherapy experts say that we are what we drink. Stylists make sure we are what we wear. I won't argue, it's all true.

What would psychologists say about this?

An experiment was conducted at Yale University. The subjects were asked to record on a dictaphone all the thoughts that visited them (the result was such a “conversation with smart person"). The results of this study exceeded all expectations. It turned out that the average person visits up to fifty thousand (!) Thoughts per day. But this is not what surprised scientists the most. It turned out that the vast majority of these thoughts ... are negative. They were accompanied by such emotions as fear, anxiety, anger, irritation, sadness ... In addition, it turned out that those of the participants in the experiment who still had positive thoughts were significantly more successful than their "negative" colleagues. It turns out that we are what we think. So, our whole life depends on what thoughts live in our heads.

Can you change your mindset?

Answer: you can. At first glance, it probably seems that our thoughts and words affect us chaotically, huddled into one big ball. In fact, they, like the Olympic gods, have their own hierarchy, some kind of stable connection and dependence. The psychological impact can be roughly divided into six neurological levels, where each is more high level manages all below.

The first, lowest of them is the environment.

This is everything that is around us: people (our family, our friends, colleagues and just passers-by on the street), objects (our house and everything in it, workplace, nature) - in short, the whole material world that we can see, hear and feel.

The next level is behavior, the actions that we perform daily..

And since we perform actions with objects, people and in certain places, we can safely say that behavior affects the environment and shapes it. Let's take the simplest example: You did a general cleaning in the apartment. There is no need to explain how your environment will change.

The third level is abilities.

This includes all our knowledge, skills and experience, as well as opportunities. Imagine that you have learned to drive a car. Undoubtedly, you will want to use your skills. Now you won't need to use public transport thus, your actions and environment change.

The next level is beliefs and values.

If we have so far been talking about the material world, about our actions and changes in the environment, to which our actions lead, now we will talk about the spiritual world. This, of course, is family and relationships with a partner, career and self-realization, material well-being and creativity, freedom and health. This list goes on and on, and each person sets their own scale of priorities. As for beliefs, we can say that these are the rules of life that we have developed since childhood. Reassessing values ​​and changing beliefs can turn your whole life upside down. For example, a person considered himself incapable of foreign languages but changed his mind. It is likely that he will change his profession, or advance in career ladder at your job. And if he also puts self-realization in the first place in the scale of his values ​​and financial well-being then such a person will reach great heights. Naturally, his capabilities, behavior and environment will change.

On the fifth "floor" is self-identification and personal identity.

Strictly speaking, these are also human beliefs, but only about oneself. Here are all the roles that we play in life. At work we are colleagues, at home we are spouses and parents, in the company we are friends, and so on. And if a person considers himself a good family man, then it is obvious that the family will be the main value for him, which means that he will acquire knowledge on how to build relationships, how to raise children, etc. Naturally, he will act for the benefit of the family and create for himself appropriate environment.

And finally the mission level. At this level, there are thoughts about why we came to this world and what value we represent for it. If you decide that Your mission is to bring joy to people , then you are likely to choose the appropriate profession (self-identification). This profession will become your favorite thing (value), you will diligently study it (abilities, knowledge and skills), you will begin to realize your dream (behavior), and you will do it with certain people and in a certain place (environment).

Thus, it is quite obvious that the higher the level at which changes occur, the more our life is transformed.

Changes to lower levels unable to bring about shifts at higher levels. Or these shifts can be very small. I was reminded of the plot of a comedy in which a homeless man won a very large amount in the lottery. He surrounded himself luxurious things, but in his heart he remained a beggar. And so he sits down expensive car, and his personal driver asks where to take him. And the poor rich man replies: “To the city dump. You can always find a lot of good and necessary things there!..”

As you know, knowledge that is not applied in practice is not knowledge, but mental garbage.

What is this knowledge for? What is their practical use?

A pyramid of logical levels, for example, will help to recognize manipulations. What is manipulation? This is a type of psychological impact, as a result of which a person performs the actions necessary for the manipulator. In essence, any communication is manipulation, and there is nothing wrong with that. A-priory explanatory dictionary modern Russian language MANIPULATION (French manipulation - from Latin manipulus - a handful, a handful, manus - a hand), an action with a hand or hands when performing any hard work; difficult admission to handmade. In a figurative sense - a trick, a fraud. Let's say someone stopped you on the street and asked what time it was. This is manipulation, since you did what this person needs. Manipulation is obvious, not covered by anything. And here is another example: You come to the store for shopping. You ask the seller to give you a carton of milk, and in return you give him money. And this is also manipulation, because you forced the seller to do what you need. In this case, the manipulation led to mutual benefit - everyone got what they wanted: you - milk, and the seller - money. But if the seller would hand you a package of sour milk for your money, then this would be the very “figurative meaning”, that is, fraud. This is what you need to be able to recognize.

One type of manipulation is resentment. Perhaps there is no person in the world who has never experienced this feeling in his life..

What is resentment?

This is a low-tone state when the behavior of another person does not correspond to our ideas about how to behave in similar situation, and vice versa. Offended, we are trying to cause guilt in the opposite side. And here it is worth remembering the hierarchy of our thoughts. In this case, we see a logical connection at different levels. This is the main sign of manipulation. Ideas about how to behave in a given situation is the level of beliefs, and actions are the level of behavior. You do not have to conform to anyone else's ideas, but no one has to conform to your ideas either. Understanding this mechanism, it is easier to cope with guilt and not succumb to feelings of resentment. Now consider the logical connective "if - then". I think you have often seen disgusting scenes when a child is in the middle of a huge shopping center began to demand that they buy him a toy. Usually children say it like this: “If you love me, you will buy me a bicycle (doll, railway, I-Phone - underline as necessary) ". This is also a real manipulation, because. love is a value, and buying a toy is an action. Similarly, parents manipulate their children. I remember with a shudder semolina, which had to be eaten "for dad, for mom." Dad and mom are a value (and what else!), And eating porridge is an action. And the boss can manipulate the subordinate: “You are a valuable specialist, can’t you do this work in short time?!" “A valuable specialist is a personal identity”, and “you can do it” - abilities and skills. But it is important not only to be able to recognize manipulations, but also to resist them. There are a few simple rules for this.

Rule one. Template break.

And fortunately, and unfortunately, we perform 95% of our actions automatically. Fortunately, because our brains would not withstand the load if every smallest action had to be carefully considered. Think about how many activities we do when we brush our teeth. You need to open the tap, take a tube of paste, open the lid, take a brush, squeeze out the paste ... Horror! Half-day work, if you do it consciously! Automatically we manage in a few minutes. Unfortunately, because such automatism produces patterns of behavior. We act automatically and expect a certain reaction in response. And if the reaction does not meet our expectations, confusion ensues, the same break in the pattern. And this phenomenon can be successfully used.

Here is a prime example. One of my friends worked as a volunteer in public organization distributing gifts to WWII veterans. Once rang out phone call and the employee picked up the phone. Apparently, having decided that the war was still going on, without introducing himself, without explaining what was the matter, the indignant pensioner rushed to the attack: - Well, have they already divided my money?! - Yes, - the woman answered calmly, - they shared it. It was a pleasure. And it would be even nicer to take everything for yourself. And if you keep talking like that, I'll hang up. The pensioner immediately apologized, explained the essence of his request, and it turned out that he had made a mistake with the number, and he needed another organization… What happened? The pensioner had a pattern of behavior. He thought that in response to his accusation, the worker would begin to make excuses and reassure him, but she answered differently than caused confusion and the reaction she needed from her opponent. And another woman used...

Rule two. Depreciation.

Never, for anything and under no circumstances enter into a direct argument with an opponent, do not use disparaging words and intonations. Perhaps this statement will seem strange to you, and perhaps even absurd, but the first thing to do in conflict situation, is to agree with the "opponent". This will soften his attack. Watch how the wrestler falls in the direction in which his opponent pushed. But he immediately carries the latter with him and, using a certain technique, finds himself in a winning position. This is depreciation. Remember the female volunteer: she agreed that they shared the money, and then elicited the reaction she needed from the veteran.

Another option to cause the behavior you want in your opponent is to forbid him to do what he does not want to do.

One wise mother forbade her son to eat semolina. Do I need to explain that the porridge from the plate disappeared in the blink of an eye… Maybe Adam and Eve would have remained in paradise if God had not forbidden them to eat from the tree of knowledge! If you want to ask another person and you know what objections there may be, then speak them first, and then explain to the opponent what benefits HE will receive if he fulfills your request. It goes something like this: "I understand that this can be difficult/expensive/troublesome, and I won't be offended if you refuse, but see how you can apply it here and there." Another example. The boss says to the subordinate: “In the same specialist high class, so you can do this job in two days.

Manipulation is visible to the naked eye. If we remember the logical levels, we will see that the valuable specialist is the identification, and the performance of the work is the behavior. The answer may be: “I am really a very competent specialist, and I know that it takes a week to complete such a task, so my professional pride does not allow me to rush and do the job badly.”

Why resist manipulation?

So that other people, forcing you to fulfill their desires, would not prevent you from moving towards your goals, fulfilling your mission, your purpose in this life.