What to do if the husband left the family? Family quarrels and their destructive influence on the strength of the family. If the husband drinks

For some reason, family preservation advice is written only for women. Don't men need a family? Do they need peace? Satisfied wife? Happy children?

So, in order to save a family, women's efforts alone will not be enough!

10 RULES for saving a family by a man.

1. Never compare your wife with other women against your wife. Not with her, not behind her eyes. In the first case, severe resentment and a subsequent quarrel are inevitable. In the second, you will look stupid, because if you are married to your wife and vilify her in front of everyone, and even behind her back, then you are worthless. I think it's undeniable. To make it clearer, imagine how your wife would compare you to Robert De Niro or some other brutal ideal. Would you be pleased?

2. Never yell at your wife! Not at home, not in public. If a man breaks into a scream, then what kind of a man is he after that?

3. Never promise your wife more than you can deliver. There is nothing worse for a woman than feeling betrayed by her own husband. If you don’t know if you can definitely do this or that, just say, “I don’t know, we’ll see ...” or something like that. But it’s honest and no one will show you later for an honest answer. Distrust generated by empty promises can turn into eternal irritation, irritation into swearing, swearing into divorce.

4. Never hit your wife! Whatever happens - STAY A MAN! The weak cannot be beaten! If you are overwhelmed with anger and you are completely unable to restrain yourself - break a chair, a door, break a plate, but just do not touch your wife! Believe me, a broken door will cool any tantrum. The door, on the other hand, can be repaired or changed, and the wife will never forget the beatings and the relationship will definitely end. It will only be a matter of time.

5. Do not be stingy with praise for your wife! A kind word is also pleasant for a cat, and even more so for a woman who has chosen you as her life partner. She is waiting for you kind words, awaits praise for her culinary skills, compliments on her appearance. If it’s really hard for you to praise with words, then ... hug your little wife once again, stroke her head, kiss her. Everyone loves affection.

6. Never tell your wife about the girls and women you know, whether they are your co-workers or former classmates (student students). Zhenya absolutely DOES NOT NEED this information! And a text like "You know, dear! My first love called me today" or "a young girl came to work for us and she ..." "" These texts will absolutely harm your family relationships. Well, they called you and called. Your wife does not need to talk about this, so as not to provoke unnecessary jealousy or an unhealthy interest in your computer or pockets.

7. The most interesting FOR ALL MEN! If you suddenly cheated on your wife, EVERYTHING happens in life ... Then you don’t need to play honest pYonEra and tell your wife about the betrayal, and even in detail, as some short-sighted men do! This will ONLY ruin the relationship! A priori will spoil. Do not think that by telling "honestly" how you somersaulted with another woman, you are no longer to blame and you will be forgiven. A woman will NEVER forgive this, even if she tells you that she has forgiven. What follows from this is that there are a lot of options and they are all bad for saving your family.

A) she will try to take revenge on you, that is, to cheat on you.

B) she will check your pockets, computer, mobile, in short, distrust is guaranteed to you for the rest of your life.

C) the wife will constantly become dissatisfied with you and turn into a vixen with all the consequences.

Do you need it? Isn't it easier to keep silent about your spree?

8. If you still decide to cheat on your own wife, then NEVER bring whores to where your family, wife and children live! Remember the Russian proverb "NOT ... where .. and so on." And in general, if you absolutely cannot live without whores, then make sure that your wife and family NEVER find out about your weakness.

9. Spoil your wife, at least sometimes. Coffee in bed, an unexpected gift or flowers NOT for the holiday. An extra compliment wouldn't hurt either! Believe me, your wife will appreciate your additional signs of attention and you will both be pleased.

10. Love your wife! Once upon a time, you chose THIS woman as your wife. Love her more than anyone - she is the mother of your children, and their happiness directly depends on how happy your family will be!

P.S. My name is Alexander. This is my personal, independent project. I am very glad if you liked the article. Want to help the site? Just look below for an ad for what you've recently been looking for.

I will say right away: this article was written in order to reduce the panic of those women who suddenly find themselves in a situation where their husband leaves the family. And which, with their convulsive actions, scandals, screams, curses, assault, throwing her husband's things out of the windows and trying to fill the face of his mistresses, can only significantly worsen the situation. The author wants, after reading these pages, respected wives to calm down a little and understand: the husband’s departure from the family and even divorce, in cases where the husband is worth fighting for him, this is only the beginning of the process of improving your marriage and your own behavior, which, in fact, you should have started a long time ago. And after the successful completion of which, if you or your husband do not make new fatal mistakes, your family will again continue its journey into the future.

But, before talking about husbands who strive to leave the family, let's agree on the terms used by family psychologists. What is a divorce? Contrary to everyday ideas of people, divorce is not at all a synonym for the words: “parting”, “parted” or “dispersed”. Between the words "separated" and "divorced" lies a huge semantic abyss. Divorce is the termination of a state-recognised marriage between a man and a woman. But "parting" - men and women who simply maintained an intimate or love relationship. Those men and women who lived together in the framework of the so-called “civil relations”, or are married, “separate” or “disperse”, but a serious conflict develops between them. Accordingly, until the spouses have gone through the formal divorce procedure, until the registry office or the world court decides to give them a document called “Certificate of Divorce”, even if they actually broke up or separated, it is more correct to use the concept: "a married couple in a pre-divorce situation." Indeed, from the point of view of society and the state, no matter how many times a man and a woman who officially created a marriage converge and disperse, part and return back to each other, move in or leave, until an appropriate legal decision to terminate their marriage appears, they are still officially husband and wife. With all the full set of family and paternal-maternal rights and obligations that are provided for by the laws of the Russian Federation.

And again, no matter how many times a man and a woman converge and disperse, part and return to each other, move in and out, no matter how they love or hate each other, until a document called “Certificate of Marriage ”, from the point of view of society and the state, their relationship will be nothing more than an expression of some human emotions, air and wind, simply put, nothing clearly defined. Even if children were born from these relationships. IN this case psychologists and the state proceed from the fact that between various types relationships, there are fundamental differences. Love, friendship or intimate relationships are built on such a shaky structure as positive feelings. The emotions generated by them can be different: interest, sympathy, love, trust, respect, sexual attraction, a feeling of Happiness, etc. However, all these feelings are united by the fact that a person practically does not control them, rather the opposite: they themselves control a person. Accordingly, after the action of one or another feeling ends, the person himself cannot artificially provoke his return. Therefore, to live and communicate with that representative of the opposite sex, in relation to whom, suddenly or gradually, feelings of love and sexual attraction, most people are not able just physically. And the majority of men and women do not want to force themselves to live together with those to whom they no longer have feelings.

We don't like to live with those we don't love.

This is especially true for men. In the practice of life, women can often live with someone who disgusts them, for the sake of a child born from this union, or simply because they have nowhere else to go, there is a financial dependence on a man. But still, it is extremely uncomfortable and rarely lasts a lifetime ...

However, people do not in vain belong to the genus "homo sapiens" - "reasonable man." Even in ancient times, they realized that feelings and emotions, even the brightest ones, are not at all the basis on which you can build something long, stable and predictable, not something that guarantees stable conditions for the birth and rearing of children. Therefore, our smart ancestors once came up with a family and marriage, that is, a form of relationship between a man and a woman, when these relationships are contractual, long-term, impose on partners clearly understood rights and obligations, provide for certain sanctions against those who this agreement violate. Invisible rod marriage contract- this is not a spoken aloud, but an implied guarantee that the man and woman creating this family undertake to live together not for a day or two, but for decades, to maintain a joint household, maintain intimate relationships, take care of each other and those in a couple children all their lives, that is, even when their love and sexual desire retire. The family and the marriage ritual that fixes the moment of its creation is nothing more than an attempt by society to build such sexual, parental and material-economic relations between a man and a woman that can be viable even when the bio-social program of love that created these relationships ends. Family is like a principle statement: “We love each other, we are going to love each other for a lifetime! But even if love ends, we will still live together, take care of each other and raise our children!

Family is life together not only in love, but also after love,

for the sake of those who are born in this love, for the sake of hope

to the resurrection of a faded love in the future.

A family is a kind of analogue of a letter of guarantee or even a will: “If something happens to me or my feelings, certain obligations to my closest people will still be fulfilled.” Although there is a certain nuance here. As you know, it is customary to write wills while being of sound mind and solid memory. To do this, the notary, asking certain questions, makes sure that the person is really capable, fully sane and adequate, clearly understands the legal and other consequences of the actions taken. When the registrar at the registry office asks the bride and groom how conscious and free their choice is, the registrar and the majority of those present at the ceremony clearly understand that those who cheerfully answer “Yes!” people are actually far from fully adequate. Simply put, the bride and groom may not understand all the legal and other consequences of their step. And even more so, do not think at all about the topic: “What will happen if?”. Because, firstly, they are in euphoria from love and sex, and secondly, they simply have not yet gone through all that awaits them in the future. Hence their desperate courage, for which their children can later pay.

Realizing that when making one of the most important steps in their lives, brides and grooms are often not always adequate, people have introduced a system of marriage contracts since ancient times. This is when negotiations on how a man and a woman, as well as their possible children, will communicate in marriage, and what will happen to them all in the event of a divorce, are conducted between much more adequate and sane people: either relatives of the future husband and wives or their guardians, lawyers, lawyers, etc. Negotiations can be conducted by the future newlyweds themselves, but such conversations almost always spoil the pre-wedding mood, often even upset the wedding itself.

I return to the essence of what was said: love, friendship or intimate relationships between a man and a woman are communication built on feelings and emotions. Rationalism, pragmatism, practicality and healthy cynicism can also be found there. However, they are not required. Family relationships are adding a fly in the ointment to the honey barrel of love euphoria: forcing a man and a woman to exert their will, to take on specific labor, economic, parental and even intimate obligations, often quite burdensome. As you know, obligations and responsibility are unpleasant things. Especially for men who, unlike women, are more or less aware of what everyday hardships are. family life and the process of raising children, they do not understand what exactly awaits them beyond the threshold of the registry office. That is why men by hook or by crook delay the inevitable - the moment of inviting their already nervous lady of the heart to the place where he will be forced to publicly promise to be with her throughout his life.

Now let's consolidate what has been said. From point of view family psychology, the real "divorce" is legal procedure termination marital relations in a couple. Accordingly, all sorts of “partings”, “driving back to parents”, “divergences for a week or two to think about the fate of our family and whether I need all this” can actually be directly related to a real divorce, and may have nothing to do with it at all. They quarreled, and then they took it and reconciled. Parting and driving back and forth was, but there was no divorce.

It may be different: there is a divorce, but the separation and separation of the spouses did not happen. And they still live together long years no longer as husband and wife, but as man and woman. Yes, and children can give birth, only now legally out of wedlock. Although, of course, with a fully formalized paternity and motherhood. Of course, such formally divorced couples can then still part and disperse. Or maybe not. They can even get married again, formalize their relationship through the registry office. And even then divorce again. Such couples are not uncommon in the practice of a family psychologist.

I am writing this now only so that you understand: the departure of a wife from her husband or a husband from his wife is not at all a guarantee of an upcoming formal divorce, and often not even a step in this direction. It also happens that only the departure of one of the spouses or even a petition filed with the court about the desire for a divorce can become the turning point when the other half can still take seriously the claims made against her and improve something in their behavior. After that, the divorce application will be withdrawn, and the couple can live better than before. It is important to understand:

Departure of husband/wife with subsequent return,

sometimes - saving the family from that possible divorce,

if the husband/wife filed for divorce without leaving the family.

If only because, as a result of these events, a smart wife or husband can not only clearly understand the causes of the family tension that has arisen, but also eliminate them not for a while, but forever. Of course, this thesis of a family psychologist to an unprepared reader may still be incomprehensible. Just as your rebellious “half”, who took it and left you, may not understand this. He / she can be convinced / that this departure is final and irrevocable, and even exclude the possibility of reconciliation. But you don’t need to treat someone who left the family too strictly - from a storm of emotions (resentment towards you or falling in love with someone else), this person again, as once before the registry office, may not be in adequate condition.

This is where the most difficult part begins. In full adequate, in the event of an unexpected departure from the family of your half, you will have to be! Because if you fall into an inadequate state, then you can be sure: the sum of the behavior of two inadequate spouses at once will definitely lead to the complete collapse of the family. So, with all the keen desire to fall into despair or extreme irritability, that of the spouses who stayed with family hearth should be as cautious as possible. To be reasonable in the square: as they say, "for yourself and that guy."

From here, from this place, we begin to talk about everything in more detail. So, once you decided to become husband and wife. That is, they expressed a strong desire to be together not for a year or two, not for ten years, but for a lifetime! Change your civil status was recorded in the registry office, about which a special document was issued to you. But then for some reason your husband decided to stop being your husband. And in all this there is one a big problem: unlike your rebellious "half", you do not want to lose your family status! What dictates this is not so important yet - the presence of joint children, your age, financial dependence on your husband, the absence of your own home, or the remaining vivid love feeling for your spouse. The important thing is that you stubbornly do not want a divorce. Therefore, you refuse to sign the divorce papers and enter into a serious fight.

Divorce is a battle for life. It's like a local war in a single living space, here and now. It has long been known that no matter how much you mentally prepare for war, it will still happen unexpectedly. It will always lack ammunition and people, and dying is very scary. So it is with family divorces: no matter how much a person thinks about the prospect of divorce, when a partner in family relations declares this, it always sounds unexpected, and the future is very scary.

Now imagine that we have role-playing game in a family psychologist. It's like you come to my appointment and say something like:

- My husband, whom I have long suspected of infidelity, told me yesterday that he was leaving me, and one of these days he will file for divorce. We have been married for n-th number of years, we live in my husband's apartment, he earns more than me, we have a child of three (five, ten, etc.) years. He needs a dad. Yes, and I do not want to lose my husband ... What should I do ???

- My husband went on vacation alone six months ago, after that intimacy practically disappeared in our family, and he began to often go on business trips. A month ago, he began to tell me that we were tired of each other, we should live separately. To which I stubbornly disagreed. But yesterday in his phone I read intimate correspondence with some lady. When I told my husband about this, he was furious. He said that I was climbing where I shouldn’t be, and I myself was guilty of the fact that our family would fall apart. He demanded that I move out of his apartment somewhere, and in the meantime he would think whether it was time for us to get a divorce or not ... We have been married for 12 years, we have two children. They love me... How to live on???

After that, you tensely expect the psychologist to either wave magic wand and the husband will immediately write you an SMS with sorrowful repentance and a promise to never do this again, or the specialist will start asking long and caustic questions about your childhood and first teenage fantasies. Maybe someone will be very upset, but this way the author does not work. Because most psychologists do not observe any signs of magic in the surrounding reality. I will say more: the so-called magicians, palmists and psychics themselves regularly come for consultations to family psychologists with family and personal troubles. Someone's childhood and teenage fantasies do not interest me either. But, as pure practices, family psychologists are well aware of the following:

- Only one out of ten conversations about divorce really ends with the filing of an application with a request to dissolve the marriage at the registry office (if there are no children in the marriage) or at the world court (if there are children).

- Only one out of five couples who filed for divorce actually get divorced during the first passage of this procedure.

- Only a third of the spouses who filed an application for the desire to dissolve their marriage live separately during this period of time. The rest continue to live together for some time, or even all their lives (!) Often even after a divorce.

- Every third of those married couples that have legally terminated their marriage, in the future, tries to somehow restore good human relations, very often intimate ones. Often, even though one of the partners has registered a marriage with a completely different person.

- Every fifth of those married couples that have legally terminated their marriage, in the future, tries to move in together, have another child, sometimes re-register the marriage.

- Almost all husbands and wives, being in a divorce process, sincerely worry about the psyche of their children, feel guilty for what happened.

I emphasize: and all this is completely without the participation of any magicians and family psychologists there!

You may ask me: “What does this mean?! Does this mean that no family psychologists are needed? I will answer this way: “This means that according to the laws of physics and dialectics, attraction and repulsion always have their own balance: there is always some kind of opposition to absolutely any action, there is a centripetal force to centrifugal force, some other is counter-directed against any tendency trend. Accordingly, there was nothing easy, linear and unambiguously expressed in the Universe, is not, and will not be. Therefore, during any divorce, for whatever reason it is not carried out, no matter what factors separating the spouses act, some tendencies aimed at preserving this couple will certainly be included. I emphasize: definitely! And if a wife who is interested in preserving the marriage, at least in the slightest degree competently uses and uses the trends aimed at preserving the couple, her chances of success will increase markedly. These tendencies themselves are expressed in the whole sum of objective and subjective factors. I will list the main ones:

Objective reasons preventing divorce

- The presence of joint children, especially small ones. The presence of children acquired in past relationships, but who have already managed to sincerely become attached to a marriage partner.

- In the event of a divorce, one of the partners (or even both at once) lacks living space for living.

- Financial dependence of partners on each other or on relatives or friends of the family "half".

- Career dependence of partners on each other or on relatives or friends of the "half".

- Serious health problems in one of the partners (or both at once), their children or their close relatives. Including the physical inability to have children with some other partner.

— Existence of joint legal or financial obligations before third parties and organizations (debts, mortgages, participation in some public or private programs, registration of a business for one of the partners or his (her) relatives, etc.).

- The presence of such a profession, in which divorce (especially scandalous) is extremely undesirable, can bring down everything career prospects(officers, civil servants, politicians, public figures, etc.).

Subjective reasons preventing divorce

— Love for children and responsibility for their future.

- Emotional love attachment to a partner, preserved from the beginning of the relationship or that arose already in the course of family life (this also happens).

- Acute jealousy of a partner. Especially if he/she looks very good.

- Excellent intimate compatibility in a couple, the presence of a real fear that it will be difficult to find a similar partner. Or innate modesty and conservatism, excluding the very idea that someone else is possible in bed.

- The habit of this person, developed due to long-term cohabitation, unwillingness to fundamentally change their lives.

- Ordinary greed and envy: a fundamental reluctance that a partner, his connections, all his property, "acquired by overwork", went to someone else.

- A unique set of shared experiences: such a sum of some bright, interesting, tragic or comic events in life that most people around do not have. (In a couple, someone saved someone from something, people grew up and studied together, went through some kind of severe trials, etc.)

- Feelings of shame own parents and/or partner's parents. Who either did so much for this couple, or immediately dissuaded their child from experimenting on their own biography in this marriage.

- Feelings of shame in front of family friends or work colleagues (especially if both partners work in the same organization).

- The partners have such common goals in life that have always united them. (For example: plans to move to another city or another country, create a common business, etc.).

- The partners have common interests in life that have always united them. (For example: doing something sporty, having a hobby).

- Lack of confidence in yourself, your ability to create new, more successful love and family relationships(related to age, children, finances, etc.).

- Distrust of a new partner whose behavior seems problematic or suspicious.

- Painful memories of the experience of past divorces or separations.

- Sad memories of the divorce that during the childhood of this person his mother and father passed.

— Rigid family values and attitudes to preserve the family at any cost, formed in a person due to the specifics of the family, national and religious education(most often - immediately in the complex).

And much more, both objective and subjective!

As you can see, on the side of wives who want to save their family in the face of the threat of divorce, there are a considerable number of factors at work! They have many opportunities for direct or indirect manipulation of an out-of-hand husband. But here lies the big problem. So many wives who sincerely fight for their families not only do not know and do not understand which methods of preserving the family can be used (and which ones are categorically impossible, such as the threat to take children away from the husband), but in the heat of the moment they even more activate the mechanisms for destroying their marriage. In fact, they are cutting down their family branch under them. Personally, this very much reminds me of the painfully well-known situation when a person wakes up at night to drink water, sneaks on tiptoe so as not to wake anyone into the kitchen, but ... on the way he touches and drops on the floor some inappropriately turned up pan, basin or musical toy. And suddenly there is such loud noise from which everyone is already waking up! Including kind word neighbors who remember you!

So it is with divorce. In reality, having quite serious opportunities to save their family, many wives may not only not know what trump cards they have the opportunity to use, but also frankly worsen the whole situation with their clumsy and strategically incorrect actions. Which, formally, had a completely different focus ...

This is where the usefulness of a competent family psychologist lies. Of course, he will not immediately create unprecedented harmony and an atmosphere of family idyll in your conflicting couple. However, being an external “evaluator” of the family, an objective judge for both partners, and at the same time an adviser (secretly, if one of the couple comes to the reception, explicitly, if both spouses come), an experienced family specialist is able to:

- To identify the true causes of conflicts in a particular married couple, to assess the degree of significance of the subjective and objective circumstances of what is happening.

- Assess the very feasibility of preserving this family, predict the likelihood of new, repeated, recurrent attempts by a partner to leave the family.

- Indicate to the partner who is interested in preserving the family what kind of arsenal of means he actually has. How can all this wealth be successfully used.

- suggest one or the other integrated method of fighting for the family. One where you will know all your actions for several weeks and months in advance. Which will greatly improve your morale.

- Check the correctness and sequence of switching on various useful buttons, levers and mechanisms aimed at ensuring the integrity of this family.

- To keep the panicking spouse from hasty and wrong actions, which not only will not improve the situation in the family, but can also completely destroy it.

Now think for yourself whether or not you should visit a family psychologist ...

However, we digress. But they didn't just get distracted. The author showed you that with all the suddenness of your notice of an impending divorce or your husband leaving home for an incredibly beautiful mistress, you absolutely can’t panic! After all, as soon as the front door slammed behind the departed husband, at the same time, the forces, factors and circumstances just described above immediately began to work for you. In addition, it is not in vain that divorce is legally correctly defined as “ divorce proceedings". Pro-tse-ss ... Feel how leisurely the very word sounds...

The fact is that most of the divorce applications (if the wife herself does not want a divorce) are submitted to the Magistrate's Court. I emphasize: the world! It's not called that for nothing. In practice, many judges deliberately delay time, trying to make two or three months, or even six months, pass from filing an application to a real divorce, so that the conflicting spouses have the opportunity to think three more times: are they ready to jump into the Unknown after ending their marriage by decision judges, as it seemed to them before? Therefore, between the departure of your husband from the family to a real divorce, in practice, more than one month will pass.

What do we have in total? You and I clearly understand that the divorce process lasts from one to several months, during which several significant objective and subjective factors and circumstances can help the wife, who is interested in preserving the family. From this it is obvious: the strategy of preserving the family in the face of the threat of divorce, if formulated, sounds like this:

With the threat of divorce, that spouse will save his family,

that can use the largest possible number

leverage over their outgoing half during

the shortest time interval.

As you can see, no lyrics and magic, pure psychological science. Of course, not “E = MC squared”, as in physics, but still! Since the topic of family divorces can be scientifically and logically comprehended, understood and put on the shelves, in the order of technological sequence, then most often a lot can be changed! Sometimes even reverse processes. But what you do not understand is extremely difficult to change, and even more so to make reversible. Here a person is forced to act at random, on a whim. Most of the time, nothing works here. Or one day accidentally it turns out, but for the second time, as they say, "excuse me ...". So it’s better to do it right after all... The only thing I would still make a significant addition to the above formula is: “...At the same time, having a clear plan of action.”

The addition "... at the same time, having a clear plan of action" immediately puts everything in its place. When eliminating real threat divorce, you have to act like you play cards. Let's say you are very lucky, you have four aces in your hand. However, you understand that if you play the game mediocrely, if you throw your aces in order to force another player who does not move on you to accept, if you just fight them off, and then draw every little thing from the deck, then all your playing advantages will quickly end. So you lose in a seemingly win-win situation. Therefore, experienced players know that with aces and big trumps at the beginning of the game, it is best to save all this until the very end. And if for this there is a need to even allegedly “lose” a couple of moves, to accept other people's cards, then this is not a tragedy at all, but only one of the steps to a subsequent victory.

So, when eliminating the real threat of divorce, one should not at all use all at once objective and subjective reasons preventing divorce. Most likely, one of them, like aces in a card game, will be successfully beaten off, and against others, they will use their pre-stored trump cards ... And that's all! Game, as they say, over. Therefore, as in the cards, there is no need to rush when saving a family. Remember:

Hurry with the threat of divorce -

make your family's detractors laugh!

All your wealth of family trump cards should be used gradually, logically and interconnected, doing exactly the same as you do in cards, calculating the game and behavior of other players a few moves ahead.

Why is everything so difficult with the threat of divorce, why is it impossible and wrong to go on a frontal attack, pouring out tons of love and tenderness, or decibels of indignant screams and liters of compote on the leaving partner in family relationships? I'll explain to you. The whole point is that family divorce, contrary to popular opinion, it is not a family matter at all. More precisely, family only partly, formally. And certainly, divorce cannot be called the way it is often done in women's glossy magazines: "a matter of two." Keep in mind:

Deciding on a divorce, like the procedure itself

going through a divorce is always a collective matter!

Judge for yourself. What does divorce look like in reality? Suppose a man is dissatisfied with his wife. Her, as he believes, lack of independence in life, non-sexuality, overweight, laziness in everyday life, uninteresting appearance, dependence on the opinion of her mother. The wife, in turn, is dissatisfied with her husband: his regular Friday parties with friends, sluggishness in solving the household affairs of the family, a small amount the time he spends with his family and child. A wife has been complaining about her husband to her parents, other relatives, and friends for years. Under the influence of her complaints, they tell her: “But we warned you right away that you have no chance for a happy future with him!” So a certain general opinion is formed on the one hand. However, the wife, being in a bad physical form, having a child and living in her husband's apartment, even agreeing with the general opinion that her marriage is a strategic mistake, she is still forced to strive to save this family. Meanwhile, the husband, actively communicating at work with female colleagues, one day, strikes up a love relationship with one of them.

A fresh body, a variety of intimacy, in total with spiritual comfort (after all, a couple working in the same team always has something to talk about, and a man is spared the hardships of everyday life), quickly drive a man crazy, he falls in love corny. The girl turns out to be very smart, so she diligently feeds the man delicious lunches and dinners, and perfect order and cleanliness always reign in her apartment (often rented). She spends educational work with their parents and friends, so that they do not frighten the man with some harsh word, communicate with him as friendly as possible. Her mom and dad, friends and their husband-friends welcome the potential groom with open arms. Having begun to communicate with them, the husband experiences extraordinary pleasure: everyone respects him, takes into account his wishes and does not demand anything! (Of course, for the time being, for the time being!) After several staged conversations “about the prospect of our relationship”, melting away from the charm of the girl, the man decides to leave the family. He declares to his wife that he wants to file for divorce, that he should live separately for some time, and immediately moves in with the girl of his dreams. Thus begins the intrigue around the possibility of divorce.

Thus, we see that, on the one hand, we have a smart girl plus relatives and friends purposefully helping her. On the other hand, an angry wife, slightly crazy from household chores and unexpectedly fallen misfortune. Relatives and friends of which indignantly and joyfully shout: “Atu this reptile-traitor! Get him out of the apartment! Don't let your child interact! Take away his apartment, appoint alimony and be done with it! Sometimes, of course, they thaw and turn their anger into mercy. They say: “Who doesn’t happen to! Men, all such males! Perhaps you can forgive ... ". However, their position is inconsistent and uncertain. The woman herself does not seem to want to lose her husband, but she cannot tell others about it openly, as she is afraid of their misunderstanding and condemnation "for excessive softness and spinelessness."

At the same time, the parents of the husband himself, usually, are tensely silent. Of course, they would like to save their son's family. However, they understand that an adult son is unlikely to take into account their opinion. Plus, the son has already managed to form them bad attitude to his wife, and the new young passion he presented produced the most pleasant impression. Therefore, in this ambiguous situation, not wanting to quarrel either with their son, or with the legal and actual owner of their only grandson - the current wife, or with his potential new wife, who in the future may give birth to more grandchildren, the husband's parents accept neutrality, refrain from any assessments and action. The only thing is that they ask their son to think seven times before making a final decision.

In this situation, the husband's friends, if the mistress has long been introduced to them, firmly entered their company, managed to rebuild with everyone right relationship, may be on the side of the applicant, and not the wife. Saying to the man: “Come on, don’t worry that you have a child with your wife! You only have one there! And with a new wife (especially a young one) you can have two or three more! Or, just like parents, they will take a wait-and-see attitude. Which in this case is tantamount to the fact that friends contribute to the destruction of the family ...

As a result, having around general uncertainty, and often outright hostility, the wife simply does not understand how to behave. Therefore, her mood during the day changes more than a dozen times. When meeting with her husband, she either fawns over him, trying to beg for sex, then angrily denounces his shameful behavior and throws his things from the balcony. Although he has already left home, but still not yet fully decided, the husband also cannot understand her position in life. From here, he gradually forms the opinion that his wife is an extremely unpredictable and crazy creature who only cries, swears and fights, you should stay away from her. As a result of the inconsistent and ill-considered actions of the wife, on the one hand, and the correct, mathematically verified actions on the part of the husband’s mistress, her friends and parents, the scales of the fugitive husband, for quite understandable and weighty reasons, are gradually leaning towards the recognition that, having declared the need divorce, he did not get excited at all, he acted absolutely right. Now the main thing is to bring the plan to the end and start a new happy life in the apartment of the woman you love.

Looks like this or something like this real divorce. The question is, where is the notorious “decision of two”?! In practice, we see that when a husband leaves the family, the main decisions (and even the absence of decisions is also a decision) may turn out to be prepared or even accepted his mistress, parents or friends. That is, people are formally outsiders for the family!

And when your husband suddenly announces that he is leaving the family, this always means that, although so far invisible, but very impressive forces have entered the battle. Ruthless, endowed with a collective mind, life experience, motivated to go to the bitter end. The wife in these conditions, most often, fights alone. And if you start to act rashly and chaotically, then it will have the same consequences if you were put in a tank and thrown into battle without pre-training. The car seems to be powerful, only you don’t really know how to use its levers! While you are trying to pull all the levers, any infantryman with a grenade who has crept up to you will already kill you. And another tank of equal value to you will no longer leave a trace of you. This is how many families are destroyed: in some cases, the wife for too long underestimated the significance of her husband’s claims against her (primarily sexual), in others, she underestimated the ability of his mistress and her entourage to produce good impression, thirdly, she overestimated her own mind and will, in a fussy run around magicians and psychics she lost something precious time when it was necessary to lose weight, change the wardrobe and attitude towards sex, strengthen the child’s relationship with the deceased father, herself with her husband’s parents and friends, learn to earn money on her own, etc. And at this time, the mistress was already pregnant ...

Hence, being in a pre-divorce situation, I recommend that a smart wife immediately do the following:

Five conditions necessary to keep the family under the threat of divorce

Condition 1. In the shortest possible time, a decision should be made about whether you really need your cheating or departed husband, whether you are ready to fight for him until victory, how much you are ready to go for this. And having decided this, firmly stand your ground, without changing the decision made.

Condition 2. You must proceed from the fact that you do not know your husband well. Because at the moment of making the decision to leave the family (that is, specifically from you), your spouse is psychologically reborn, instead of His own, he becomes Another, or even a Stranger in general. Now your husband is not the same as he was just a few days ago. Accordingly, the logic of his behavior is now different, different from the one that was clear to you all these years of family life together. Most often - not quite adequate, and even in general - inadequate. Especially if the person is in love with someone else. I remind you that love is one of the varieties of neurosis, and it is also a form of drug addiction, endorphin addiction. Require from a person given state adequacy is very problematic. Therefore, in order to understand it, proceeding from rationalism is not always correct. It is right to give him something, and to take something away, to delicately complicate his life. Then he will be forced to somehow comprehend what is happening, to turn on his rationality.

Condition 3. It is important a priori and immediately take for granted the following fact: those people who from now on influence your family “half”, who has run away, or is trying to run away, are not fools at all. Here they are, unlike your slightly insane husband, clearly understand what exactly they want from him (and from you), how and when. Accordingly, in order to effectively resist their interference in your sovereign family affairs, you should be adequate in the square. Including being very critical of herself. Especially to their family behavior.

Condition 4. It's important to have a clear plan. That is, all your actions to return the family "half" who has run away, or who is trying to escape, must be carefully thought out.

Condition 5. Do not do stupid things both in the process of reconciliation of the family that has already begun, and after the restoration of family life.

But most importantly, you should understand:

The first third of all husbands leaving the family is associated with their own problems, where the husband is a complete womanizer, alcoholic, drug addict, gamer, bully, criminal, obvious parasite (etc.). I personally cannot recommend returning such husbands home.

The second third of all the departures of husbands from the family is associated with the talent of a mistress, that is, the woman who was able to press the main buttons of male behavior - sex, stomach and pride, better than a wife.

A third of the departures of all husbands from families is associated with those most serious mistakes in the behavior of the wives themselves, which either the applicants took advantage of, or they pushed the husband himself away from the wife.

Therefore, before starting the struggle, understand which of the three groups the departure from the family of your husband specifically belongs to. Again and again I say:

In the appearance of a husband's mistress and his departure from the family

often not only the man and the mistress are guilty,

but also his wife, who made serious miscalculations.

Summarizing everything said in the first section, we can count fifteen typical mistakes in the behavior of the wives of all Rus' (maybe the whole world):

Fifteen wrong actions of wives,provoking husbands to cheat and leave the family:

1. The husband directly accused his wife of cheating, or her behavior gave him too many reasons for jealousy (including communication on the Internet and regular SMS correspondence).
2. The wife either could not satisfy her husband in the intimate sphere, or lost interest in this sphere, evading the caresses of her husband.

1. The wife frankly launched her appearance, stopped liking her husband as a woman.
2. The wife does not accept her husband's child from a previous marriage (or relationship), which irritates him.
3. The wife cannot regulate the behavior of her own child from a previous marriage (or relationship) because of which an openly hostile relationship is established between him and her husband.
4. A wife directly or indirectly refuses her husband to have a child. And it does not matter: the first, second or third. The main thing is that a man consciously wants to start him, but his wife for some reason (fear of spoiling the figure, losing a quiet life, little money in the family, wife's age, etc.) - no.
5. The wife turned out to be a bad housewife, the soup is cooked for the whole week, the window sills are dusty, the curtains are not washed for years, the husband goes to work without sandwiches and with torn buttons. (Thus giving a signal to the surrounding women that he can be taken away. The logic here is simple: After all, if he cannot train his wife and does not leave her, then he is a weakling. Since he is a weakling, then, having found him the right approaches, you can assign it to yourself.)
6. The wife does not have common goals in life with her husband, is not interested in his work, is completely occupied with her own affairs. For example, career, business, improving appearance, girlfriends, etc. Thus, creating a vacuum in communication, making any girl attractive to her husband, with whom there is something to talk about.
7. The wife does not have common interests in life with her husband: she does not need any hobbies, hobbies, active leisure (etc.). Hence, the wife does not accept the company of her husband's friends, is their enemy. If the husband turns out to be an active person and not a homebody, and his wife is not around, then it is not surprising that the girls who share his passion for some kind of activity immediately become very close to him.
8. When a family lives with the wife's parents (or with the husband's parents, but at the initiative of the wife), the spouse stubbornly does not notice that this is extremely uncomfortable for the husband, does not take any action to change this situation. For example, buying an apartment with a mortgage, renting it, etc.
9. The wife is at war with her husband's parents, does not communicate with them, opposes communication with them and her husband and grandchildren.
10. The wife has become, if not a “crazy mom”, then at least she is very close to this state. Moreover, it’s not at all bad that all her thoughts are connected only with the child (this is just the norm), but the fact that these right thoughts take on the character of wrong actions towards her husband. The main trouble is that the wife practically does not pay attention to her husband.
11. The wife is too dependent on the opinion of her parents, who intrusively climb into her family. Or he strongly opposes his husband's parents, on whom, in turn, he himself is psychologically and / or financially dependent.
12. The wife herself is problematic in her psyche: hysterical, alcoholic, drug addict, schizophrenic, depressed, suicidal, completely alone or, on the contrary, unrestrained fun and alcohol.
13. The wife is a cold and prudent bitch who does not have any warm feelings for her husband. It only systematically squeezes out of it all the money that can be squeezed out, mercilessly exploits it in everyday life and at work.

In principle, already from this list it should be clear to you that the main task wife who wants to return home a normal husband - this is as soon as possible eliminate most of the above. However, there is a "but". It is relatively easy to discover your mistakes in family behavior when the husband is still at home and does not think about running away. If you are in this situation right now, you are very lucky. After all, you will be able to eliminate in advance the main prerequisites for a husband's infidelity or his flight from the family. However, when your husband already has a mistress, or if he left you with a divorce filing, you have to act in much more difficult conditions. When not only the husband’s resentment is acting against you, but also his passion for the desired passion, the prudent mind of his mistress and her entourage. In this case, it is important not only to know the mistakes you have made and how to correct them, but also what processes are taking place in the mind of your husband poisoned by the poison of hatred or love. Moreover, as my surveys of husbands cheating and leaving families show, some of the above-described mistakes of wives form bizarre combinations in the minds of men. The typical mindset of a man cheating or leaving a family goes something like this:

In the head of a husband leaving the family in the interests of his mistressA complex sum of twelve factors works:

1. Various heavy grievances and claims against his wife (plus her relatives and social circle). The main ones are the following: Cheating on the part of the wife, the presence of reasons for the husband's jealousy (the wife's vacation without her husband), leaving overnight with parents or girlfriends after quarrels, abortions without the husband's consent, refusals to marry him, forcible coercion of him to marry (including " stray "pregnancy), the scandalous character of the wife, inciting the wife's relatives on her husband, her alcoholism, disgusting qualities as a woman, mother and housewife.
2. A sense of pride in a mistress: for her appearance, education, high career or social status(own or relatives)
3. Feeling of sexual attraction to a mistress.
4. A feeling of jealousy for a mistress, an acute fear of losing her.
5. The desire to receive the material wealth available to the mistress: apartments, cars, business, high income etc. Or not to lose the money already invested in it.
6. A sense of pride in a joint child with a mistress (if a child already exists) or an acute desire to have such a child.
7. The presence of domestic comfort when communicating with a mistress.
8. The presence of peace of mind when dealing with a mistress.
9. The presence of comfort in communicating with relatives of the mistress. Possibility of lining up mistress positive relationship with the man's relatives.
10. The presence of comfort in communicating with the mistress's social circle and / or the complete acceptance of the mistress by the man's own social circle.
11. A sense of male moral responsibility (to the mistress, her relatives and friends, to himself) for the lies to the mistress, according to which “everything has already died with my wife, our marriage is a formality, my departure from the family is a matter of the very near future ... I am waiting for The kids will grow up a little... Responsibility for the fact that the promised, albeit after years of a secret love affair, still needs to be fulfilled, and therefore leave the family ...
12. A sense of male responsibility for the material maintenance of his mistress and (possible or existing) joint children, their physical and mental health(including to her and her parents).

But don't panic! You have exactly the same happy "dozen".

In the head of a husband who has changed or is leaving the family, a complex sum of twelve factors also works in the interests of his wife.

1. Various grievances and claims against the mistress (plus her relatives and entourage). The main ones are the following: betrayal on her part, the presence of reasons for jealousy (vacation without a lover), abortions without the consent of a man, refusals to marry him, forcible coercion of him to marry (including a "stray" pregnancy), the scandalous nature of the girl, the problematic nature of her relatives , her alcoholism, failure as a mother and mistress.
2. A sense of pride in his wife: for her appearance, education, high career or social status (own or relatives).
3. Residual feeling of sexual desire for wife. Increases if the wife improves her appearance and character. Decreases if it continues to deteriorate.
4. A residual feeling of jealousy for his wife, an acute fear of losing her.
5. The desire to keep material goods acquired during the marriage: houses, apartments, cars, business, high income, etc.
6. A sense of pride in children, if they are and are successful.
7. The presence of domestic comfort in the family. If this is the case.
8. The presence of peace of mind when communicating with his wife. If he is.
9. The presence of comfort in communicating with the wife's relatives and her ability to communicate comfortably with her husband's relatives.
10. The presence of comfort in communicating with the social circle of the wife and / or the complete acceptance of the wife by the man's own social circle.
11. A sense of male moral responsibility (before his wife, her relatives and friends, himself) for the preservation of the family. There is in any case, but especially when the husband is more successful than the wife, or at least equal to her in social and financial status. The responsibility of husbands-losers, as a rule, is only in words.
12. A sense of male responsibility for the material maintenance of his wife and children, their physical and psychological health (including to her and their parents). This is subject to the same patterns as in the paragraph above.

At first glance, when building an optimal strategy for a wife’s behavior when her husband cheats or leaves the family, everything is as easy as shelling pears, as if in a children’s game “pick mushrooms in a basket”: The more factors, like points in a game, the wife collects, the faster the fugitive husband will return back, the stronger the family relationships will be, the less will be the likelihood of repeated recurrent departures of the husband. The more factors the mistress collects, the faster the runaway husband who fled to her will file for divorce from his wife, the stronger his connection with new woman, the less likely it is to return to ex-wife and children.

The trouble is that in practice, as in any real game, each participant in the exciting collection of points not only collects his own points, but also strives to select others. The wife is with the mistress, the mistress is with the wife. The husband's mother, along the way, seeks to prove to her son that you can only trust her alone, since all the surrounding women only want to use him for their own selfish purposes. Etc. and so on. In addition, in the heat of ongoing events and in view of the “rose-colored glasses” put on his eyes by Love, the husband is not always objective: he may not see the obvious advantages of his wife, but by mistake he can take for the pluses those minuses that his mistress has. At the same time, the position of the wife is also greatly worsened by three circumstances:

- Firstly, for some time, the wife gradually lost her factor points, and her mistress gained them. Moreover, this process itself was secret and little meaningful for the wife, and obvious and purposeful for the smart mistress. Hence, a mistress, especially a long-term one, often has a certain temporary head start.

- Secondly, thanks to the frankness of her man, the mistress perfectly knows the pros and cons of his wife, and the wife is usually in the dark about the strengths and weaknesses of her competitor. Often the wife does not know much about her at all. Except for her gender, of course. If at the husband all is normal with orientation.

- Thirdly, mistresses almost always have preferences over their wives in age, appearance, attitude towards sex, etc.

However, again, this is not at all a reason for panic. This is just an excuse, given the partial opacity of the process of fighting for your family, to take absolutely all of these twelve factors as seriously as possible. Only in this way:

Time lover's advantage smart and stubborn wife

can always turn it into a temporary advantage.

It follows logically from this next question: Which of the factors of a wife fighting for her husband should be especially emphasized? How many exactly do you need to collect to snatch your husband from the passionate embrace of his mistress? It is extremely difficult to answer the first part of the question, because in the minds of men, depending on their age, life experience and needs, there are different priorities. In this case, the books specially written by me can serve as a hint for you:

All of them directly state that ten points should first of all help an abandoned wife: her appearance, sex, children, questions family property, the prospects of the wife in terms of career and income, spiritual and domestic comfort created by the wife for her husband, relatives, friends, common goals and interests of the spouses and time itself, which returns the rationality of the wife and husband. They are the priority for most men. These are the main buttons that you need to press. Based on this answer to the first question, we can answer the second. The minimum figure necessary to defeat the mistress is to achieve the superiority of the wife, or at least her parity with the mistress in at least five of these points. For complete confidence in the victory, the wife needs to score at least seven pluses for the factors that they have for a man importance. And the more there are, the easier it is for the wife.

In order not to confuse you at all and allow you to draw up a clear plan for counterattacking the actions of your mistress, I suggest you take a look at the table I compiled, where the author reduced the “happy dozen” to a more understandable dozen of basic factors.

Table of an objective assessment of female competitiveness:

Determining factor man's behavior	The presence of this factor in relationship with wife	The presence of this factor in a relationship with mistress
1. External data of a woman	_	+
2. Sexuality of a woman and the ability to cause jealousy
3. Material achievements of a woman and her social status
4. The presence of children, the ability and desire to have and raise them
5. Peace of mind in communication	_	+
6. Household comfort, qualities of a woman like hostesses
7. Common goals in life	_	+
8. Common interests in life, leisure activities	_	+
9. Relationships of a man and women with relatives each other	+
10. Relationships of a man and women with each other's social circle
Total amount	5	8

Now you have before your eyes a table that evaluates objective figures in love triangle. It is noteworthy that the advantages of a mistress can be those factors that are not yet in sight (such as children and pride), which are possible only in the future. On the other hand, a wife is harshly evaluated only for the past and the present ... In family psychology, everything is the same as in politics, where the current government is always criticized more than applicants, but in the end they always vote for her better too - as you can see, there is very little objectivity! Sheer subjectivity!

Love and hate are always subjective.

Love does not love truth, hate hates it.

If the husband does not have a mistress, then exactly according to the same scheme, he will still evaluate his wife, only he will compare her with someone else from his environment. So take it into account and try to calculate your own pluses and those holes-minuses, which will be the gate leading to the heart of your husband for applicants. For clarity, the table was filled in approximately the same way as it usually looks in practice. When the wife should not be considered completely backward and neglected, but the applicant-mistress has, firstly, clearly more points, and secondly, they are located in right places- in the most significant positions for men. Let me remind you that to win, you need to score at least seven pluses, and the pluses in lines 2-6 are especially significant. That's it and lean on them! Turn your minuses into pluses, subtract the pluses from your mistresses, bring them to a minus value. By reading beyond the second chapter, the practical section of this book, you can at the same time understand both what you should do to increase their points-factors, and what is useful for decrease similar score-factors mistress. After all, your and her pluses and minuses are nothing more than communicating vessels, where the level of points of one side always somehow correlates with the points of the other side.

However, as already mentioned, this table reflects precisely objective options. Well, or almost objective, since the representations various men about the appearance of the wife, her success in life, sexual, economic and maternal qualities are very heterogeneous: what for one is the height of dignity, for another - a mere trifle. But, alas: people are always subjective! What makes it extremely difficult to build straightforward schemes for victory. Men's subjectivity in a particularly vivid form is hidden in those two points out of a dozen factors that I deliberately did not include in the table of ten leading factors in estimating a wife.

1. Various heavy grievances and claims to the wife and / or mistress (plus to their relatives and environment in general).
2. A sense of male moral and material responsibility to his wife and child / children for the preservation of the family. Noticeable, if it was a man who initiated the creation of a family and the birth of a child / children. Doubly noticeable if there are two or more children, or if the man comes from a family with strong moral or religious family foundations. But this is still superimposed on a similar feeling in relation to his mistress!

It is these two subjective factors, determined by the upbringing and previous life of a man, that are the individual lens through which a man examines and evaluates that “happy dozen wives and mistresses” that is given above. Let's say the wife is generally well done, has 7 or 8 pluses, but she brought her husband to the registry office with an unplanned pregnancy, earns so much money that she can feed herself and the child herself, and even recently had an abortion against the will of her husband. In this case, the husband can say goodbye to such a wife, who, in the opinion of everyone around, was very, very worthy.

Or, for example, a wife barely pulls on four or five, but her husband himself called her once to get married, she never gave serious reasons for offense, but earned little all her life, looking with hope only at her husband. In this case, a successful, wealthy and sexy lover may well lose to his wife if she gives her lover a reason to assume that she is cheating on him with someone.

Etc. and so on. The combinations are apparently invisible, and every woman - a wife or a mistress - has her own. Copyright and unique. It is in which we, family psychologists, just have to understand. Select the same author's and unique schemes for achieving victory. But I am sure that you yourself have already understood what I am bringing you to: In the process of a man making a decision on whom he should marry (if there is no marriage yet, but there is a struggle between two competitors), or is there any point in leaving the family and creating a new marriage to a mistress, each woman's exclusive set of characteristics is overlaid with grievances this man and the degree of responsibility for own words and deeds. Feelings, emotions, sensations, experiences and the degree of responsibility fall on the dry mathematics of ten factors. So, in the minds of men, the “happy dozen for wives and mistresses” works. By the way, if a man is not responsible, then if he divorces and creates a family with his mistress, the probability of a new divorce will be even higher. But a very responsible man will have a lower probability of a serious extramarital affair and the fact that it will lead him to divorce.

Hence, from my point of view, the general strategy of a wife who wants to save her marriage is extremely understandable and consists of only five postulates.

Five postulates of a wife's behavior when her husband is threatened with leaving

1. Increase the number of your pluses, reduce the number of pluses of your mistress.
2. Reduce the number of your minuses, increase the number of minuses of your mistress.
3. Inflate the husband's resentment for the misdeeds of his mistress, extinguish the husband's resentment for his own mistakes.
4. Increase the degree of responsibility for yourself and your family, reduce the degree of responsibility for your mistress.
5. Show your husband external weakness, show inner strength and patience.

As you can see, nothing complicated. If you put the minuses of your mistress on your pluses and clearly prove to your husband that his mistress has seriously offended him with something, the victory will be yours. If you have mostly minuses, and your mistress has pluses, and even you will annoy your husband by starting to kick him out of the house, set children and relatives on him, then I'm sorry - you will be left alone.

Now, turning to the second section, I will please you with the fact that in addition to step by step algorithm correct female behavior in the event of a husband's betrayal or his attempt to leave the family, it will describe in detail both methods for increasing the number of your poles and methods for reducing the number of pluses of a mistress. Read!

Big remark, or you might be so unlucky!

This is the story of a real married couple who came to me for advice. Love brought partners together when Inna was 23 years old, and Alexei was 26 years old. They were friends for a long time: they went to the cinema, walked in parks, went out into nature, had fun with friends, and led a hectic intimate life. The guy is cheerful and promising, the girl is slim and hardworking. Everyone was already working. Alexei had a one-room apartment bought by his parents. He was quite comfortable. Inna rented an apartment, she was uncomfortable. She, on her own initiative, gradually moves to live with Alexei. Wants to get married, makes appropriate hints to him. Alexei is in no hurry. Inna increases her pressure, demanding certainty. After her defiantly hinting departure, Alexei proposes to Inna.

Under Mendelssohn's waltz, a family arises. At first, everyone benefits from living together. The girl now lives in her apartment, has the official status of a wife. In Alexei's apartment it becomes cleaner, hot food is being prepared, sex is more regular. But over time, they begin to show up and unpleasant for the husband of the side of marriage: the strategically correct policy of accumulating money proclaimed by the wife to expand the living space for future children has its reverse side:

- curtailing the cultural program outside the walls of the house (a cafe, according to the wife, is expensive, the husband does not need a gym, fishing is also, let him play at home with the child!);

- reduction in the frequency of communication between the husband and friends;

- depriving a man of the opportunity to freely operate with his money;

- clamping clean male dreams, such as buying an expensive car, fishing boat, snowmobile, etc.;

- an increasing number of household tasks assigned to the husband;

- general narrowing personally male initiative in life.

From the point of view of family psychology, all this is absolutely correct and extremely necessary for further development every family. Life is simple:

In order to get something, you first need to give up something.

In principle, Alexey was glad that the austerity regime allowed the couple, after three years of marriage, to purchase a two-room apartment and a car for his wife. However, he was not very pleased with the fact that his wife had grown fat during the same time, became less proactive in her intimate life, and blocked communication with a company of friends that was costly for the family budget. Nevertheless, while he courageously endures everything, as he dreams of a child. When the daughter was born, Alexei was 32 years old, Inna - 29 years old. Inna's mother, a pensioner, comes to help her daughter from a small town. She lived with the young for about a year. During this time, Alexei quarreled with his mother-in-law. Inna, in turn, greatly strained her relationship with Alexei's parents. Inna's mother was escorted back a year later, but the sediment remained. Gaining 15 kilograms during pregnancy, Inna almost did not lose weight. intimate life the couple was quite upset. The problem was added by the fact that, having given birth at a late age, Inna became a classic “crazy mom”, too attached to the child. She insisted that her daughter sleep in their family bed, from now on Alexey began to sleep in the hall on the sofa.

Feeling at home, not at ease, Alexey began to linger more often at work. This had a beneficial effect on his labor successes. The diligent guy was noticed by the authorities, he was made the head of the department. There was an official reason to stay longer at work. Since the absence of her husband in the evenings was compensated by the growth of family income and the accumulation of funds for a new expansion of living space, Inna took everything calmly. But in vain.

Alexei was 35 years old, Inna was 32 years old, when the family moved into a four-room apartment. Inna went to work, lost some weight, however, interesting girl did not. After several scandals, Alexey nevertheless insisted that the child move to the nursery, and the husband and wife slept together in the bedroom. However, in fact, he slept alone. As soon as the daughter whimpered in her sleep, the wife immediately moved to sleep with her daughter and spent the night there until morning. After some time, the husband gave up on all this, no longer getting his wife hints of weight loss and sex. An even greater split in the family was made by the fact of an abortion, about which Inna notified her husband after it had been completed. Alex was very upset by this.

The long delay of the boss in the office after work was noticed unmarried girls his organization. Two of them, 26-year-old Svetlana and 28-year-old Lyubov, began to woo him. They brought home-made pizza and pancakes to the chef for lunch, regularly asked him for help in some of their minor problems. Of course, invented as a formal occasion for informal communication. For:

Even informal communication requires a formal occasion.

The more experienced Lyubov won the competition, having already had the experience of marrying “by flight” at the age of twenty, who herself kicked out her husband three years ago. drinking husband(taking away the hotel from him). She had her own two-room apartment taken on a mortgage, a car. Sexually hungry Alexei easily went to sex with her. She also began to go fishing with him and fit in well with his group of friends. From now on, all the main interests of a man, except for a child, were outside the family. Wife Inna did not notice any changes in her husband's behavior, since her daughter went to school, the number of household chores for her mother increased. In addition, Inna herself began to make a career at work, began to enjoy the growth of her own life opportunities.

When Alexei was 40 years old, Inna was 37 years old, the wife, for decency, asked her husband: will they have another child? But in the conversation that took place, she herself answered herself that this was inappropriate. The spouses are developing a career, relationships with grandmothers are complicated, it's time to save money for an apartment for a growing daughter, I really want to travel around the world, and not circle around the house with a stroller. Alexei said nothing, because he was thinking about the child already from Lyuba. Two years later, the couple bought a one-room apartment for their twelve-year-old daughter. Alexey learned to hide part of his income from his wife, helped Lyubov pay off the mortgage on her apartment, added money to her for a new car, and became friends with her child. Love began to intensively talk about the fact that at the age of 32 she was ready to give birth to a son to Alexei, without even forcing him to file for divorce. Naive Alexei believed in the success of this scheme. He was very impressed that it was possible to avoid official divorce and still have a second child. What he dreamed about.

It can be assumed that Alexey would have beautifully left his wife (leaving her big apartment) as soon as Love would bear him a child. However, three factors played a role here. Firstly, Love, who already had two abortions (from other men), could not get pregnant in any way. Secondly, another girl who recently came to work in his organization became interested in Alexei. Marina was 25 years old, she was young and beautiful, she did not have her own home, but she turned out to be very efficient and sexy. Having proved her professional abilities, she pushed the less competent Love aside, interested Alexei, and easily responded to his advances. When intimacy was established with them, the girl launched a powerful attack on her boss. Thirdly, one of gentle SMS Marina, specially sent to Alexei late in the evening to give the right signal to his wife, Inna read. A scandal broke out at home, for which Alexei had not yet had time to fully prepare. His problem turned out to be that he did not know to whom he was still going to go: to Lyubov, already tested over the years, or to the more recent Marina.

To take a break, Alexei notified the tenants of the apartment he bought for his daughter to move out, and he began to pack things himself. However, during this time, he was attacked by his parents, daughter and wife, his heart trembled. Plus, Lyuba and Marina, sharing the skin of an unkilled bear, made an ugly brawl between themselves right at work, pushing the man away from both at once. Alexey went to negotiate with his wife, and together with her he came to me for a consultation. This family was saved. Only the salvation of this couple is not at all the merit of the wife, but rather the result of the mistakes of both applicants. Having no great material self-interest, Love dragged out the process of taking the man away from the family too much. And Marina, who is in a difficult financial situation, on the contrary, forced the attack on Alexei's family too much. In the end, fortunately for Inna and her daughter, both lost ... Nevertheless, as a specialist, it is clear to me that if Inna does not lose weight, does not increase sexual activity and does not give birth to a child, family prospects will be very shaky ...

What is the moral of this situation? Wife Inna was just lucky! You may not be so lucky. Therefore, you should think about everything in advance, and you should act only according to a clear plan. As mentioned above, about all this -

- “If the husband left, and you want to return him back to the family”

How to assess the strength of your marriage.

“Familyquakes: things that could threaten your marriage.”

"Sex quarrels." Intimate conflicts in the family.

I highly recommend reading them! Even if your husband is not going anywhere and is not even going to. It will still be useful for you to harmonize your family.

remark

I really want you to understand: Divorce is not fatal! Fatality is stupidity, laziness, panic, haste and selfishness. Therefore, the entire subsequent book is devoted to the fight against these five main enemies of the female family happiness. If you defeat them in yourself, you will overcome any threat of divorce.

Sincerely yours family psychologist, Ph.D., prof., Andrey Zberovsky

Contacts:. Email: [email protected]

Registration for personal reception and remote

consultation (Viber, WhatsApp):

7 902 990 5168, +7 913 520 1001, +7 926 633 5200.

Attention: This article was created on the basis of chapters from the books by Andrey Zberovsky "Quarrels around sex", "Thirteen ways to overcome the crisis love relationship”, “Sharp corners of young families”, “How to assess the strength of your marriage”, “Family quakes: what can threaten your marriage”, “If your husband left, and you want to return him back to the family.” I recommend that you familiarize yourself with these works in full. This may be helpful for you and your family.

At some point on the family path, something went wrong: they said something in the heat of the moment, they turned the wrong way, they listened to other people's instructions.

They looked through their fingers, exchanged care and sympathy for insults and reproaches on the road - and didn’t even notice how the “divorce” sign appeared in the distance ... You were confused, probably slowed down the pace of sorting out the relationship, sat down on the side of the road and, if a spark of hope still glows inside , wondered - how to save a family on the verge of divorce? - the advice of a psychologist will certainly come in handy, but, nevertheless, listen to yourself more.

Well, let's try. The only request - if you really want to keep the family on the verge of divorce - be honest with yourself when reading this article, and please answer the questions without hesitation. Then the probability of what you want will be much higher.

What is the reason for the divorce?

Perhaps you have already decided to dissolve the marriage, then for what purpose, for what?

• - get the long-awaited freedom. Are you sure that your husband or wife is the cause of unbearable "slavery"? And the "conclusion" is explicit, and not invented? Imagine you are free for a month or two, a year - what will you want most of all? Sure new relationship - right?!
• - I have a lover / mistress, and this connection is more pleasant for me than a family one. OK. Take a sheet of paper, divide it into two columns: write in one - what you will get, in the other - what will you lose? Weigh soberly the answers, and not in a state of sexual dope,
• - met (a) another man / woman, I love, and I'm sure this is my real soulmate. Let's say. Do you live together or love is still limited to secret dates? Try spending more time together. Oddly enough it sounds: love is not a guarantee of happiness,
• - We often quarrel, and there is no more strength to withstand. Listen, married couples go through more tests than scandals and still stay together. We are sure that verbal skirmishes are the main family problem, and not a reason to hide the real causes of discord in the family?

The husband drinks, beats, takes everything out of the house to the penny, humiliates at every step - this good reasons, but I think that in such situations it is unlikely that there will be a desire to save a family on the verge of divorce - the psychologist's advice here is already different: how to protect yourself and your children.

How to save a family?

In any family situation, there is always a contribution from everyone. Before you invite your partner to talk heart to heart, figure out what you did or didn’t do to threaten a break:

• What do you expect from your spouse or wife? Care, affection, love, help, protection - and you don’t get it, how is it ?! Or maybe let's go from the other side, what has he (a) been giving you for many years, day after day?
• Who do you think your family partner is? Continue the phrase: "My husband is ..." or wife - ... What was the first thought that came to mind? Be frank. The answer that came - is it your personal opinion or imposed? He is objective, is there evidence?
• - write out for a partner, everything in a row, and what is he or she guilty of before you? And now what is resentment - a negative state when I do not get what I want. If you expect the chef to play the violin, will you also be offended? If a person simply cannot give it, is it not in his ability? And are you always ready to give what is expected of you? ..
• – how do you feel about yourself? If you don’t love yourself, don’t appreciate yourself, then how can another person, even a person very close to you, do it?
• - There is important nuance, which, for some reason, psychologists bypass in their work. Grievances, accusations, reproaches, name-calling - often serve as a screen to hide their own misdeeds, unseemly actions and thoughts, including. There is no difference between real and fantasy betrayal! Therefore, before you worry about how to keep a family on the verge of divorce, the advice of a psychologist will help only after sincere recognition: "What have I done or not done that my husband/wife still doesn't know about?" What am I trying to hide behind my daily dissatisfaction with family life? .. If you feel bad at heart, the question is close to the truth. It is not at all necessary to confess this to a partner. The main thing is to admit to yourself ...

Ways to keep a family on the brink of divorce

If possible, give a trial period - agree to live together for some more time, a month or two. But if you agree to this with disdain and the thought “let's see what you can do, dear?”, “take a chance, dear!” or growing mutual rejection - disperse. You are not ready for a life together, mutual respect, patience and support.

Otherwise, try:

• - find common interests. What connects you, except for a common household life and sex. Remember what you both like, what you would like to devote your free time to. If common interesting hobby no - imagine! Get to know each other better. Try all the options - walks out of town, cinema, exhibitions, needlework, repairs. There is another plus here: while you are looking, you will spend more time together.)
• - Touch each other more. It's not about sex. In the usual conversation, at breakfast, when you see off to work, you meet - just touch your shoulder, take your hand, stroke your head, hug. Just prepare tea, serve a sweater, cover with a blanket. Communication works wonders! And wordless too
• - when once again you feel irritation, anger, dissatisfaction, before throwing out an emotion, ask yourself: “Why am I angry? What do I get from anger? What am I protecting myself from or what am I afraid of? There is such good phrase: "During a quarrel with a person dear to you - do you want to be right or happy?" Think...
• - Communicate as often as possible. It doesn't matter what. Talk about the work, what you saw on the street, on TV, what movie you liked, who called, who you met, and so on. While on neutral topics - even if the partner does not show any visible interest in listening. Communication is like water - it will find a place where to break through ...
• - about sex. Don't force each other. Believe me, sex will not save. Sleep together if possible. By the way, touching and communication can be continued in bed.

In a word, find common points in communication, interests, touches. If you are really worried about how to keep your family on the verge of divorce, the advice of a psychologist and consultations online or in person, of course, will not be superfluous either. Just a request: do not insist, for example, her husband needs a psychologist. This will only prove that you are looking for the cause in another, and not in yourself. It is better to start with a visit to a specialist yourself.

Psychology Methods for Better Relationships

A charge of past unpleasant events, scandals, stresses and other psychological traumas accumulates between spouses. If you think it’s different in your couple, then you avoid looking at what is happening as it is. Often, in order to avoid a break, it is enough to pronounce-disassemble-dissolve the knee-jerk negative experiences. Imagine that a volcano is raging between you, and now that it is not there - and you can approach each other on stable, calm ground.

• - a way that allows you to get rid of resentment, irritation, tension, anxiety and restless thoughts,
• - technique

Good day to all! I have long wanted to write, but did not dare, and now I just need advice. Please guide me on the right path, I'm afraid to take the wrong step. My problem is very personal.
The man who was my first love died, I experienced it very painfully, but I don’t want to write about his death in detail, because that’s not the point. Then I got married, we have been married for six years. My husband is 15 years older than me, we have a daughter. Previously, my husband was a hooligan, he used to raise his hand to me, he lived according to his life principles. In general, we have a very different upbringing, I grew up in a friendly family with loving mom and dad, he was “raised” by the street.
And yet, at first I loved him, but three years ago my attitude towards him changed: first, hatred arose, then it turned into disgust and irritation, and then there was complete indifference, which remains to this day. I do not love him, do not value him, although, of course, I am attached to him as native person, maybe, as to a brother - after all, whatever it was, they lived side by side for six years.
Two years ago I met a man with whom I was just fine. We secretly met for a year, my husband did not know about it. I blossomed, lived a full life, in intimate relationships I experienced with him what I have never experienced with anyone. My husband felt a change in me and realized that he was really losing me, but in general he had already lost me. And he suddenly changed dramatically! They say correctly: what we have - we don’t store, if we lose it - we cry - this is just about my husband. I suddenly saw how loving, caring, a real protector he can be! He began to give me gifts, to engage with the child - to play, drive in kindergarten. We shared household duties with him, although he had not helped me before. By the way, it turned out that he cooks very tasty, but I didn’t even know! :) In general, he became an ideal husband and remains so for a long time, this is a test of time.
I broke up with my lover, because I was not going to build a family with him in the future. This is not the person with whom I would like to share my life and my life, there were reasons for that. He is a wonderful lover, but this is not enough, and in all other respects he has many disadvantages. And I decided to meet my husband and try to save our family.
It seems to have turned out well, we live well, but there is one “but”! I don't like him and don't want to. When we have intimacy - even run away from the apartment, his touches, kisses, caresses are so unpleasant to me. I don’t allow kissing on the lips at all, and even more so I can’t overpower myself and kiss him. Although I tried to do everything for this, I sincerely wanted to love him again. At the same time, I'm not frigid, I want sex, but not with him!
Advise me what to do and how to continue to live with my husband? Force yourself to go to bed with him every time through disgust? Or not to force, not to torture yourself? Then, I'm afraid, our family will fall apart. Or maybe I should leave him myself? But the daughter loves her father very much.

TheSolution therapist's response:

Happy partnership, close relationships are impossible without mutual trust and acceptance. Sexual attraction is just one of the factors that help create such relationships. Both spouses need to put a lot of effort into the relationship in order to satisfy its quality.

Relationship problems can be a sign of neurosis

With neuroses, a person mistreats his own - hides and accumulates it, translating it into a form. Anger and irritation contribute to an excessive increase in emotional distance in relations with her husband and, as a result, sexual desire disappears. Therefore, the lack of sexual desire can be an indicator serious problems in relationships. To understand this, it is necessary to look for the cause of these emotions. Often such a reason is a gross violation of psychological boundaries, rejection of the needs of a partner, emotional coldness, excessive criticism or attempts to control a partner. If possible, it is desirable to resolve the latent conflict in a psychological way, turning it into an open one and using the six-step conflict resolution scheme.

Your relationship is insincere

Now you are trying to build your family on distrust and deceit, you are cultivating you are not ready to discuss and, together with your spouse, look for a solution to problems in your relationship. They are not ready to be open and sincere, to share their emotions and experiences, and also to accept them from their husband. At the same time, you have a functional relationship with your lover: you used him to satisfy sexual needs, but did not accept him as whole personality, with their own emotions and outlook on life. This is how or appears. Go to our website. If his performance is below 44 points, this may indicate the presence of neurosis.

Learn to understand yourself, your motives and needs

In order to deal with the relationship and decide whether to save the family or divorce, you first need to learn to understand yourself. Learn to understand your feelings and needs, recognize your manipulations and loved ones psychological games make conscious, not emotional decisions. When you understand your needs, desires and realize your personal shortcomings, it will be easier for you to make the best decision on the family situation.

Your spouse has shown his willingness to change

You very briefly described your husband's behavior before the change. The fact is that the use of physical violence in the family can be both a sign and a sign of psychopathization. Psychopathy is a deep and serious personality disorder that cannot be corrected. Psychopathization is a distortion personal development under the influence of teachers social environment. The person accepts distorted values ​​and beliefs in young age, but is able to change them in the process of psychotherapeutic work. Checking by will help separate the two states. The fact that your husband's behavior has changed significantly for the better, that he long time(2 years) demonstrates the ability to cooperate, shows concern for you and the child, speaks in favor of the second assumption. In this case, further

How to survive the departure of a husband from the family? How to understand that the husband is gone forever? Many women face this problem. Men often leave their soul mates and go to seek their fortune on the side. Of course, in this case, the family collapses and it seems pointless to advise anything.

If the husband left, then the woman is very often visited by a feeling of despair and hopelessness. She begins to experience psychological difficulties: she begins to doubt herself and her abilities. When the husband left, you don’t want to do anything, your hands literally drop. A woman, finding herself in a similar situation, is often lost, does not know how to live on. The advice of a psychologist can be useful to those who are desperate and have lost faith in their own prospects. Let's consider them in more detail.

Fight or let go

This is the most painful question that arises in people when breaking up a relationship. When a man wants to leave, he makes the whole family worry. The whole family is involved in constant quarrels. If there are children or one child, then they also inevitably begin to experience mental suffering.

If the husband left home, it is the woman who has to decide whether to leave everything as it is or try to fight for love. When making a decision, she should be guided, first of all, by her own feelings. But in reality, it often turns out that she listens to the opinion for a long time. blood relatives before actually doing anything. She needs to try as soon as possible to understand her own motives and desires. It must be remembered that children will someday grow up and start their own families, move to live in another house. That is why you cannot initially sacrifice everything for the sake of the child, hide your individuality away.

understand the reason

As you know, nothing happens in a vacuum. Everything in life must have a reason. When the husband left and does not want to return, we must try with all our might to understand why this happened. In any case, the situation when the husband left is a real blow to the psychological organization. Most women do not know how to behave, what to say and do if the husband left the family. At this moment, it seems that the whole inner world personality.

Such experiences can drag on for a long time and significantly unsettle. Meanwhile, when the man packed up and left, it means that something really depressed him. Need to get together with internal forces and how to deal with the situation. It's best to do it right away. No need to delay, it's better to experience it all at once, say meaningful words. Otherwise, you will have to constantly live in doubt and conjecture, trying in vain to understand what really happened.

keep dignity

The situation when the husband left and does not call is quite difficult to even begin to forget. Offended dignity dictates completely different ways of behavior, sometimes makes you do stupid and thoughtless actions. Family life cannot take place in mutual reproaches and suspicions. We must refuse to look for the guilty, to come up with all sorts of accusations against each other. No need to humiliate yourself in front of your husband and try to please him in everything.

What to do if the husband left? How to behave? A woman should definitely try to maintain her self-esteem. She must be aware of her own significance and integrity, the confidence that no one can destroy her inner state. Even the departure of a man should not become a tragedy. If it so happened that the husband left and preferred to go to another, or hide in an unknown direction, then you need to put up with it. It is best to immediately start thinking more about yourself and your own child. Love for yourself and children will help you forget, overcome the feeling of despair and hopelessness.

Express feelings

If the husband left the family, then it is quite clear that the former partners will be overwhelmed by purely negative emotions towards each other. It is very important here not to try to keep negative impressions in yourself. Otherwise, someday there will be a surge of emotions, and all the previously unspoken words will be spoken. And it is not known in what form this will happen. With a failed family life, it is extremely important to be able to stand up for yourself. First of all, you need to understand your own feelings, desires and aspirations. Then it will be much easier to communicate with your partner.

How to survive a breakup with your husband? If the husband left, it is necessary to give yourself time for mental recovery. Still, this is a big blow, from which it is not so easy to move away. When a husband leaves, some do not even want to live, let alone act purposefully, while maintaining optimism. You have to allow yourself to cry when you want to. No need to be shy and hide tears. When a family breaks up due to the fact that the husband left, forgetting what happened is actually very difficult.

You can not suppress the irritation, anger, despair. It is necessary to try to live these feelings as fully as possible, then you will not have to return to them later. Many people ask whether it is necessary to call an ex-partner? If there is strong suffering about his untimely departure, then it is better not to. There is no need to torture yourself needlessly.

Refuse revenge

Revenge is bad way to restore justice. With this method, you can not restore your peace of mind. When one partner leaves the other and leaves, the other is actually very hurt. Revenge only allows you to get stuck in the same situation and return to it constantly. Psychologists advise starting to devote more time to yourself.

If the husband said that he does not love, you should not appeal to his conscience. Love cannot be demanded, it is impossible to force a return to the past. This won't fix anything. What to do if the husband left with the child? Just do not hatch insidious plans! It is not easy to forget about it, but it will not work right away. Refusal of revenge will significantly save strength and preserve the internal resources of the individual.

be kind

No matter how ridiculous it may seem at first glance, such a recommendation really helps. But one cannot demand such a sacrifice from oneself. If a woman feels that she is not ready to smile and does not know how to behave in the presence ex-husband who left her, it is better not to try to play an unpleasant role. Goodwill must come from the heart. No need to constantly return to the same question, force yourself to call him on the phone or come to visit. Goodwill can melt the heart of even the most stony person, who, at first glance, is completely devoid of any emotions whatsoever.

When a woman becomes affectionate and smiling, it is really nice to look at her. It may happen that the husband who left in a fit of indignation wants to return to her in order to be near her again. That is why a favorable attitude towards a partner truly works wonders. A woman herself is able to attract the attention of a man. The only question is whether she will want to put in so much effort for the sake of a man who once treacherously left her alone.

Restoration of pride

After a breakup, a woman's pride is always hurt. She will definitely need some time to recover. It is necessary to regain peace of mind, to come to your senses, to calm your thoughts. All this takes time. Do not rush and push yourself in every possible way. Still, the rupture of relations in terms of severity is tantamount to a bright shock. In order to stop mentally returning to the past, it is necessary to work through the resulting difficult situation.

How to forget a husband who left? You just have to keep going no matter what. Strive to rejoice, to notice significant prospects for yourself. Don't give up on new experiences. They can help to recover, to feel the appearance of some comfort in the soul.

openness

It often happens that divorced women begin to suffer isolation. They no longer want to build relationships with men, do not seek to gain mutual understanding. And all because trust is lost - an important component of their life. However, we must not forget about ourselves. Life is not over, it goes on anyway. This must be remembered.

Thus, if a woman thinks about why her husband left me, she should not torment herself. It is necessary to carefully work out the situation that has arisen in order to let go of anger, resentment, disappointment and focus on the joys of life.